Cynthia Kelly is an unseen character in Grand Theft Auto V.
History[]
Background[]
Kelly is a finance editor for Weazel News.
Cynthia Kelly was married to fellow Weazel News co-worker Karl Kelly until they had a divorce. According to one of her articles, she seems very bitter about their separation, alleging that Karl found a woman half his age, who she claims will take everything from him. Before she escalated the personal attacks against her ex-husband, she pointed out that some sources label his investment book as dangerous advice.
She started to describe Kelly's physical features and personality, calling a him "hairy-backed, small-dicked, balding egomaniac." Earlier, she also labeled him as a "well-known philanderer," suggesting that she and others were aware of Kelly frequently cheating on her. Also, her report reveals that they have children who she will not allow her ex-husband to visit.
Reports[]
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Security Agencies go head-to-head for funding |
| Cynthia Kelly - Weazel News | |
| They are often described as the "twin pillars of our national security“, but now the FIB and the IAA have found a new enemy — each other. Following calls for balanced budgets and a proposed reduction in defense and security funding, both agencies have been lobbying hard in the Capital recently to explain why their budget should stay intact. FIB spokesman Gary Lane told anyone who would listen “reducing our budget now would be crazy. It would be how a crazy person would act. And the person who did it would probably discover that not only were they crazy, but also all of their dirty secrets were suddenly made public so even/one could decide if this is the kind of country we want to live in - one run by a crazy person with a mistress or two." International Afiairs Agency spokesperson Lucinda Jacob said "presidents that have tried to stop the IAA from performing our duty in ways we see fit have tended to wind up having their heads blown off. No. I'm only joking. Come on? Who can't take a joke"! The point is this - every day you're not killed by terrorists or communists is a day you should give thanks to the IAA. We love this country. We love everything it stands for, like freedom and apple pie and things like that. We will repress any freedoms necessary to keep you free and fed on apple pie, or something like that. Listen, we need to keep our funding. It's that or someone is going to get you in the can." Both agencies criticized the other and blamed them for America's problems domestically and overseas. Neither would do so on the record. | |
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Stocks take a wild turn, egged on by unscrupulous traders and philandering author |
| Cynthia Kelly - Weazel News | |
| The BAWSAQ market went into freefall in late trading today. Economists are growing concerned at the wild fluctuations of the market and the future of America's economy. Many amateur investors are being encouraged by the book "Mounting Bulls and Riding Bears" by Karl Kelly, which some say is shoddy and reckless advice from a well-known philanderer who recently left his beautiful wife for a woman half his age. She intends to take him for everything he's got, including all future proceeds of that shitty book you hairy backed small dicked balding egomaniac and if you think you're ever going to see your kids again buddy, you are as deluded as every chapter in your idiotic book. Go fuck yourself asshole. | |
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Internet goes wild as Eyefind Street Maps launch pics of inside your home |
| Cynthia Kelly - Weazel News | |
| I have to admit it. I was skeptical at first. The leading search engine company is using sophisticated technology to take pictures of the inside of my house? What about my privacy? My doubts all washed away yesterday as the service went live. I virtually bopped around the homes of my friends having the time of my life. I had never been to my boss's house, but now I have and know he loves troll dolls. An ad popped up and I can buy him one for this birthday. My ex-husband has a messy kitchen. That made me happy. And going room by room in the homes of the Fame or Shame judges (Hello Anita jungle swing!) made my day. Lifeinvader may have the tagline Invasion Never Felt So Good, but it applies here too. | |