This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
Michael Marino’s review published on Letterboxd:
This review may contain spoilers.
Right out of the gate, after seeing these three new Halloween movies, I have to say that my ass is quite grateful now that we got Luca Guadagnino's Suspiria remake rather than the one that was going to be made originally by David Gordon Green.
Oh, and while we're talking about director Luca Guadagnino, I can also say that I can't wait to see David Gordon Green's ass be gobbled up on screen in Bones and All.
Pause for a moment: If you saw Bones and All at one of the many festivals this fall, please refrain from commenting on whether or not this occurs in the film, as I only recently discovered Green's involvement through the cast page on Wikipedia at the time of writing this. So, I have no idea if I'm spewing utter gibberish and that he may be another cannibal or something in it.
Nevertheless, considering that the film is about cannibals, I feel I'm right on the money with this one; hopefully, this dream of this full-on bloody BBQ of the dude will not just be a fantasy of mine. And I'll be there to see it all unfold in all its splendor this Thanksgiving weekend with my own two eyes after gobbling up some food for myself excessively that is nonhuman meat.
Anyway, before I begin, a word of caution: I will be covering spoilers since it is necessary for me to critique the film and get into the topics I want to discuss.
Now that we've established that, let us now confront the hellscape of Halloween Ends. The third and final film of this so-called "trauma" trilogy.
So um, did y'all see that same shit that I just saw? I mean, isn't it ludicrous that this movie ended up somehow even being worse than Halloween Kills?
For better or worse, David Gordon Green crafts his own Halloween 3: Season of the Witch here with Halloween Ends, a film that contains but is not centered on Michael Myers.
Hell, I mean, it is quite evident that this was his intention since Green uses the same exact typeface as Season of the Witch did for its opening title credits here, which is a great easter egg that furthers the notion that what he wanted to make here was a Michael Myers movie that, well, isn't entirely about Michael Myers.
So forget about the Michael vs. Laurie epicness promised throughout the film's marketing campaign, since none of it applies until the film's final 20 minutes or so. Because I guess that the people in charge of making this film decided that it would have been more engaging for its audiences if the narrative revolved entirely around a new character, a bizarre young doofus who, let's say, enjoys playing Halo double-team matches with Michael Myers, a little too much for my own liking.
This idiot's name is Corey, and he's a four-eyed chump who takes on the role of being what is essentially an unpaid assistant intern to Michael Myers or some shit.
Concurrently to that, we also follow the same bloke embarking on a love journey with Laurie's granddaughter, Allyson, in what purports to be like a remake of Green's overlooked 2003 film, All the Real Girls, rather than the last installment of a new Halloween trilogy as it should be. Add to that his 2007 film Snow Angels for good measure since, you know, I kind of just feel like gloating to all of you that I have seen that movie, as I'm pretty sure I'm possibly the only 24-year old person that has.
Nonetheless, what proceeds is a film with a narrative that belonged in a side one-off spin-off film that would play better if it played on a streaming service like Paramount Plus rather than a full-on theatrical release (also Peacock), and it just doesn't work here. That's not to say that some of the ideas on display here aren't intriguing, aside from the big, foolish romance. Still, I think the concept of Corey mimicking Michael and going on a murderous rampage is fascinating, and it may have worked better somewhere. Regardless, the execution of everything done here was awful, so who knows?
Given that his character, too, ends up acting pretty phony and forced for most of the screen time, things do not look good (for the film getting any better); as Jamie Lee would say in a better film of hers, this year, Everything Everywhere All At Once. Someone commented that Corey reminded them of James from Twin Peaks in the r/movies spoilers thread, and it hasn't left my mind since. Shit has me dying laughing.
Random since it's on my mind: But are we going to discuss the scene where we witness Corey's mother kissing him on the mouth as well? Yes? Then I suppose I'll have to start questioning folks about it, like Charlie from Smiling Friends would to Pim. Like, dude, you kissed your (dad) mom on the mouth?
What the hell am I even typing about anymore? This is the review for the new Halloween movie I'm doing, right?
Other than that, I suppose that's all I've got to say, considering I typed to the point where my head is starting to feel like a smashed pumpkin. This is especially fitting given that the film's title credits are also... forget it; you already know.
Thanks, y'all, for reading. It's a shame that Mike Myers damned me last week with Amsterdam and Michael Myers damned me this week with this film.
Why is David Gordon Green doing an Exorcist reboot? Considering the dismal reception of the previous two Halloween films, why would Jason Blum want David Gordon Green to shoot the next Exorcist remake so badly? I assume it's money, but I thought someone like Green wouldn't want the money that badly, given that his first movie was titled George Washington, which makes no sense given that it's not about the George Washington that is on the one-dollar bill.
Oh, and because it's on my mind, a quick thank you to Universal for not forcing me to drive out to watch this in a theater today. However, I believe it would have been a little better experience if I had heard other people groaning while walking out during the credits as Don't Fear the Reaper played. Haha.
That's all, and at the very least, Tar will be consumed by my brain tomorrow, finally.
Yeah, I'm quite sick of talking about this movie. It isn't good, and I probably shouldn't have watched it while eating two Activa yogurts beforehand. Because all I can say is that not only did Halloween end for me late last night, but so did my stomach as well.
I'm sorry I had to. Lol, peace.
