“Boys who keep secrets don’t get custard for dessert.”

I guess I should have expected it, but I hoped it could only get better from the dumpster fire that was Halloween Kills… but holy shit, this just may be worse. Halloween Ends is a movie that made me angrier and angrier the more I watched it. Watching it I felt like a Daredevil fanatic watching She-Hulk: Attorney at Law, praying that what I’m watching will somehow turn into a shred of what the franchise used to be. And that’s when I had an epiphany of sorts. David Gordon Green isn’t making a Halloween movie for me— anymore, at least.

Halloween ‘18 was for fans like me. It was dark and brutal. It felt current and fresh while maintaining that classic, original flair that flowed throughout the '78 film and expertly balanced nostalgia without going too far. Halloween Kills took away all of that. Fuck lore, fuck common sense, fuck consistency. Except for a sprinkle of cheese here and there, the franchise had somehow survived the comedic camp phase many other slashers fell victim to— discounting Season of the Witch, of course. And then suddenly, David Gordon Green and Danny McBride decided to abandon the tone of their first film in the trilogy, embrace their comedic routes, and go all out camp. (God save us if they truly are about to helm a new trilogy of Exorcist films. And let us pray Green channels horror and drama as he has in the past.) Aside from maybe some slick cinematography and lighting, Halloween Kills is only serviceable as a parody of slashers while offering some gnarly kills and gore effects. Slasher fans and casuals can easily get into it while avoiding its inherent problems. Halloween Ends took away all that. And I think that’s because this film isn’t for fans of the franchises or even fans of slasher films. It’s for the teenagers of this generation. Blumhouse as of late has fully embraced a singular demographic, and this is no different than the likes of The Purge, Truth or Dare, or Fantasy Island.

If you dig it or the last film, power to you. But I can't in good faith think of a single good thing about the film except maybe for some loose concepts that failed in execution. People act like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull or Star Wars: Episode VII - The Last Jedi were farce continuations that actively shit on the films that preceded it. But this takes the fucking cake and smears it across the Halloween legacy.

It’s such as shame because they should be after hardcore Halloween fans and newcomers alike. So while people may see the film without love or nostalgia and call it “fun,” it’s just another film that they can consume and leave their memory almost immediately after viewing. But see, for me, it’s joyless, void of any over-the-top moments, and, on the flip side, doesn’t offer any scares, intensity, or dread. Frankly, aside from one kill (with the torch), it didn’t have any unique, cool, or interesting deaths— and if they did, none were caused by Michael Meyers. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that the only time Meyers has creeped me out this year is when I play against him in the video game Dead by Daylight. Here's a fun fact, though, Halloween Ends was released forty years after Halloween III: Season of the Witch and I feel that is most appropriate being that both films commit to not giving a shit about Michael Meyers. Like a weird amalgamation of Rob Zombie’s Halloween (sympathetic killer backstory) and Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (a copycat killer), this film attempts to position Meyers into a b-plot and focuses almost exclusively on Corey’s descent— except never fully committing to it in the third act. This was a mistake.

It may have been a bit on the nose considering Meyers was originally referred to as “The Shape” in the first film’s production and "Evil dies tonight" was a phrase uttered a thousand times in the previous film, but Laurie has a voice-over here that states "Evil doesn’t die, it changes shape.” On the nose it may be, it— as well as the opening montage of Haddonfield residents in fear— still lays out the thesis for the film fairly well: the boogeyman could be anyone. Admittedly it’s a great concept. While a copycat killer wouldn’t work in most slasher franchises (especially Friday the 13th since Jason is confirmed supernatural in canon), it’s a concept I’m open to for the Halloween franchise. They kind of implied that it’s where the franchise would go with the arguably brilliant and horrific Jamie Lloyd ending of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Meyers. But I suspect after the massive failure of the third film, they were petrified at the thought to continue without Michael, so the concept was dropped until this film. It's just the problem here is Michael’s story was never resolved. And because they backed themselves into a corner by stating that Michael never cared about Laurie or revenge, his story kind of just evaporates with his disappearance. But since we’ve dedicated so much screen time and lore to this man, you can’t just shove him off to the side in your grande finale to focus on a new character that you’re just going to kill anyway.

In the third act, Laurie calls Corey evil and that bothered me. Because I don’t think he was. He was lost and pushed down by society. This is his Joker 2019. The film seems to actively make him sympathetic until he fully snaps. For half of the second act, I thought they were going to go all Dexter and have him and Allyson go on a murder spree for those who “deserve it.” And you can’t tell me those bullies didn’t deserve it. I guess that just shows the quality of the writing here. Especially when you could tell they wanted to shoehorn a Carrie-esque mother subplot to hammer in Corey’s tragic turn to the dark side. Or how Corey was saved by Michael but we get no explanation on why. Motivation across the board was either thin or constantly contradicted.

This isn’t only with regard to Corey. It’s with everyone. Allyson’s bizarre attraction to Corey’s dark descent felt off because her experiences during the last two films should have pointed her in a different direction. Will Patton’s character dissolved from being the troubled yet capable “Officer Hawkins” (as he's credited in the last two films) to just “Frank,” (as he's credited here). Now he's just a sad, lonely, elderly George W. Bush-looking love interest for Laurie. And speaking of Laurie, she never truly felt like Laurie in this film. While many people said that about her in 2018, it was forgivable because 40 years had passed and you could infer those years molded her into that character. She may not have been in the next film as much and literally stuck to a hospital bed, but her character felt the same— just with added character development. But this? I was just watching Jamie Lee Curtis. Her character might as well have been the mom from Freaky Friday after 20 years. She’s not overly protective or insane knowing that Michael is still out there but instead she flirts with Frank trying to be happy. Not once does she freak out about Allyson going to a Halloween party but instead tries to make a pumpkin pie for tradition? And not once does she talk about the trauma of her daughter literally being killed in Kills (even when confronted with the lady outside the grocery store). The filmmakers think having her as Laurie’s phone wallpaper is enough. Right. Oh and remember how the Laurie v. Michael fight in the first film was really difficult? Or how about the fact that Michael Meyers ripped through firemen in the last one like he was Chuck Norris? How was Corey able to take his mask so easily? How was Laurie able to defeat him so easily? It's like they actively tried to come up with the most anti-climactic and nonsense ending they could possibly conceive.

And I haven't even discussed how utterly stupid that cold open was.

I tore apart the writing for Halloween Kills in my review for that film and I almost wonder if I took it too far. Because at least the basic story in that film felt like a Halloween film— albeit with strange logic and a questionable tone. But man, this film? Let me put it this way. Halloween III: Season of the Witch feels more in line with the franchise than this did.

You know, there was a point early on where I was like, at least the filmmaking would be decent. Like I thought the editing was largely fine... until they began relying on smash cuts to end every scene. I fully lost hope during the quick-cut flashback scenes that I swear looked one step away from being a Saw flashback twist reveal. Just look at the last one with Laurie soaking in her memories of pain with Michael. Play any rendition of “Hello Zepp” (the end reveal theme from Saw) and you’ll see what I mean. But hey, at least the cinematography was fire, I guess?

God. This just might be the worst in the franchise. Ever.