❄️ emi 🏳️⚧️🍉’s review published on Letterboxd:
disclaimer: this log mentions some topics like suicide and all. if you don't wanna read this then that's fine.
so... for the past month... you might've noticed some changes with me. i'm watching less films than usual, i am now more common than ever to just go on days without even watching a film, my overall activity has significantly lowered... overall i really haven't reviewed at all too.
well i might as well explain... i disown the way i used to watch films. i disowned the fact i used to try to watch a film just to add it to my films. i disown the fact i tried to watch many films per day rather than let the film rest in my mind. i disowned how i acted. and i don't know why but it just happened with me trying to kill myself back on like july 5, 2024 after getting easily emotional over a fight with a friend. i did recover but after promising to not ever do this ever again like get easily worked up over a movie i decided to make some massive adjustments to me and this included:
- lowering the amount of films i watched per day (1-2 is my new point now)
- allowing myself to take breaks whenever i needed not forcing myself to watch films everyday
- going outside more and spending more time with my parents
- doing other activities like playing relaxing comfort games on my nintendo switch, wii u, and 3ds (if you wanna know my main game rn is tomodachi life)
- not forcing myself to watch films i don't wanna watch like mcu or garbage transphobic movies. this also includes theater trips since i will now only spend money on films i'm actually interested in. this also means bye bye to the mcu until fantastic four a project that i'm actually interested in.
- not watching movies on my phone anymore
and the last one especially hit me. one day i came across something david lynch (the director of films like mulholland drive and eraserhead) talking about how watching films on the phone isn't the right experience. you aren't truly watching or experiencing the films you watch on a phone since you most likely especially if you have a iphone are focusing on other things and the video quality is so much less fluid and crisp than a laptop or a tv. you're most likely just not even watching it at that point which made me reflect on my past decisions. was i really watching a movie on my phone because i really wanted too or was i just wanting to fill another spot in my films. and some of these films even on my laptop i tried to watch at either the morning school bus or school... a place that isn't known for being quiet or having even good signal. and the more i thought about it... a decent chunk was the latter. it's why i permanently stopped and now either just watch at home on my laptop or tv if i have the streaming service, i own it on blu-ray, or i can search through my uncles infinite amount of physical media. and speaking of when i was watching movies i was watching like 4-6 per day consecutively. i wasn't giving myself the breathing time to ever truly experience the film and more or less i wanted to fill a slot just cause i guess 1. i wanted to seem cool and 2. i feel like people would just expect that. people often make jokes about how much i love film so much i just watch multiple films per day and yeah... i still really love film but here's the thing... i wanna analyze what i'm watching. i truly want to look at the themes, vibes, characters, story, and visuals of what i'm watching. i really want to feel the emotion of what i'm watching. and i want it on the cleanest display too.
and speaking of... you know i often wonder "man how come i have no in real life friends even at school" and that's when i realized for the past 2 years i pretty much avoided every attempt and you wanna know why... i wanted to watch films for my lb. i didn't even try and i got nervous at even thinking of that. and you know what i discovered. a few days ago (sunday august 6, 2024) me and my family were going shoe shopping for the year and what ended up happening is that i met one of the people from my pe classes and since i was just shoe shopping really i wasn't doing anything we ended up talking about some topics like school and some movies and we got along pretty well. it only lasted 3 minutes since i had to leave but it made me realize that maybe i can interact with people at school.
and that's where we lead into the subject i wanted to talk about this whole time. initially for my last watch of summer break (i go back thursday, august 15) i wanted to save this section for that but i might as well talk about it. i'm going back to school in a week. i'll be a junior this year, finally turning 17 meaning i can now watch rated r movies by myself in theaters, word of mouth from what i heard ranges from people calling it the hardest year of high school to easiest, my driving lessons are coming up, i'm gonna work cleaning up the school during lunch break to earn money, i plan to now come up with a definitive future since i'm nearing 18 including what college i need to take, the usa fate is gonna be decided between a republican dipshit who supports israel and might even start a project that will literally kill every right minorities and lgbt people have or a liberal dipshit who also supports israel, me wanting to account for estrogen since my parents won't care by then, and most importantly the video production class. this class essentially teaches us how to make videos and how to film, edit, block. if you have been on my letterboxd for more than 1 second you would know one of my main goals in life is to become a filmmaker. i wanna be someone who makes art. i want to create ideas and share them around the world. i wanna express my own point of view on certain topics and views to share across all around the world. this is a class i want to focus heavily on this year because it can really be beneficial for my years of film college. i want to focus this year in school because last couple two years was me trying to fill everyday with multiple films. i wanna instead focus on homework and school first and then film. this will indeed lower how many films i watch... but i doubt most of you will care. i wanna focus on making friends and maybe even joining a club at school. i wanna learn. because 2026 is coming soon and that means i'll have to take care of myself now.
so... that's all i really want to say. this is more or less me announcing me the reason why i've been watching less films now than the past two years. that being said i know a couple people are gonna ask and let me say... no. i am not completely abandoning film. in fact i got 4 marathons planned for the rest of the year. in a couple days i'll be watching the alien movies with my uncle outside watching them on a projector, then sometime after i watch alien romulus i wanna start my ridley scott marathon, if that goes planned out then my long awaited best picture marathon will start around mid to late september and finally a complete christopher nolan marathon around the holiday break. so obviously i do still have some plans but what happens if they don't go to plan.... nothing. yeah nothing.
if certain marathons now get delayed or if i skip a day i honestly don't care. at the end of the day it's my scheduling and i can do whatever i want. it's my body and if my body tells me to not watch a film this day i'm gonna listen. no longer am i gonna ignore what it tells me. i will listen to it and i'll just... not do one.
so that's it. i'm honestly super excited for junior year and i'm awaiting this next path of my adventure. good night and see you around sometime.
