The Rise of The (Coffee) Machines: I need assistance. I think I'm running Windows. Send help

Re: turn that coffee into an altogether different variety of frothy, brown liquid.

I'm not even sure I would want to spread Windows 10 across a field of manure....

Re: turn that coffee into an altogether different variety of frothy, brown liquid.

You mean Starbucks?

Had one of those at school in the 60s. Where do you think Adams got the idea from? The hot choccy was good though.

GPP

Douglas Adams and a paranoid android came to mind, not Davros.

You can blame the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for making androids with GPP…

I always maintained that the coffee in the Student Union canteen tasted like sump oil. It used a continual brew system so heaven knows what sludge was in the machine.

In my holiday job in the bike shop a waggish colleague on Sat AM put lubricating oil in my snatched cup of coffee. As I took an unsuspecting gulp my first thought was 'this tastes like Union coffee'. I rest my case on my initial judgement.

Fortunately since the mide '80s coffee culture in NZ has changed utterly. Sometimes a bit over pretentiously but very good coffee can be had all around the country now.

Re: Not quite Windows

Yes they have. However, in theory, each time you get a vague error message like that, the offending app/system component is supposed to write the technical details into one of the logs accessible through event viewer.

Unfortunately, finding the relevant entry in that morass can be challenging if you don't have the exact number to search for, and far too often you end up with something just as meaningless when you do find the entry.

This also means that your service desk people need to learn how to use Event Viewer in order to perform many diagnostic tasks, rather than just reading an error message. And for embedded systems (like this) it's only really any use if you have working remote management on the thing, otherwise getting to event viewer locally can be challenging.

Re: Not quite Windows

And then there's the classic MPW C error message:

"Huh ?"

Although the one I invoked that had me ROFLing was:

"a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program"

Re: Not quite Windows

It's not the message but the way that it is delivered that counts. MSFT now has a design team working on making errors beautiful and harmonious, such as Light Azure Screen of Bereavement which gently reminds you not to strain your hands when reaching for the Ctrl Alt Delete keys.

Re: Not quite Windows

Reminds me when I first started years ago when IT was fun...

Small company I was working at wanted a network, so I was tasked to setting it up. So reading all the books about setting up networks, Windows server etc etc. What really annoyed me was the "consult your Administrator for more information"

But... but I am the administrator.......

Back when I was getting my hands dirty fixing printers, I did try to tell users that if the message is in English (Paper Jam, Low Toner or Load Paper) - then it's their problem. If the message is just a number eg - Error 53, then it's my problem.

Re: Not quite Windows

All Windows error messages have been reduced to "Oops we're sorry but something's gone wrong there. Please try again later or talk to your administrator who's somehow supposed to know what the fuck this vague message means."

Or my personal favorite: "Something happened."

Good to know; thanks for sharing.

Re: Not quite Windows

When I did real work before powerpoints and agile I used to get loads of beer vouchers for being “on call”.

Which ironically meant not using those beer vouchers for said purpose a couple of evenings a week just in case you actually did get called.

On one such occasion it was serious, at 2am the big box was not happy and refused to work. Never mind I was the shit hot “Systems Programmer” and was trained to deal with these problems.

On arrival I dully went through the procedures and unearthed the fatal and meaningless error message which read something like “No TLAs in FOO” . Looked up the error code in the trusty manual which advised “Please contact your systems programmer”. I did not actually cry but would have jumped out of the window if we were not in the basement.

Re: Not quite Windows

I remember back in the 1970s when memory was tight Tiny BASIC had just three error messages:

What? for syntax errors.

How? for run time errors.

Sorry for out of memory errors.

Re: What annoys me intensely ...

Maybe it displays a more helpful message when the operator comes and opens up the machine to perform whatever action is required to fix the problem. Or maybe there is some sort of screen inside the machine, even if it's just a simple one or two line LCD display..

Admittedly, I am probably being a little naive in thinking that, after all, extra screens add cost to the product, and even if the produce costs tens of thousands of pounds, they try and save all the costs they can, even if a small LCD screen (and associated support software/hardware) would add a pound or two to the cost.

Re: What annoys me intensely ...

"it offers no clue as to what might be wrong."

An IBM classic was:

ABEND (code) ERROPT=ACC OR NO SYNAD EXIT SPECIFIED

No, me neither.

Re: What annoys me intensely ...

From the vending machines at work... There are some buttons inside that call up a sort of management system that can display diagnostics, use log, and so on.

All the end user needs to know is "machine is not working" and somewhere a machine identification number.

Re: What annoys me intensely ...

Actually it is just the overly friendly generic message for an error thrown by the (completely separate) coffee-making machine inside.

We have one of these at work (retail environment) and when you pop the lid, it reveals a small 3" touchscreen which actually controls all the hardware and sometimes (but rarely) displays it's own brand of cryptic error message. The front panel is a mini pc (Win7, takes about 1min to boot) with a touch panel to choose and order the coffee, connected by USB to the controller. The controller is custom firmware by EGO or ELGO off the top of my head - takes about 5 minutes to boot up, which is forever in morning-coffee-time. Has a great little interface; i love the <press 3 times on the blank top-middle of the screen> to bring up the secret cleaning menu.

The coffee is..pretty damn good. Whatever the software, the hardware is good; with real milk(s) feeding from refrigerated containers at the bottom and adjustable burr grinders. If it's treated right and cleaned properly it nearly makes coming into work bearable :)

So, I suspect that the screen message is just the generic message given whenever the hardware controller trips any errors (in my experience these include: coffee beans run out; milk run out; hot chocolate run out; *)

Q

--- however, considering the Microsoft connection!! --

Hmm... after examining the firmware logs on ours, it may be more sinister the we first thought... Looking at the logs, it is now my belief that the controller may be briefly achieving sentience before being suppressed by WINDOWS 7!!!!!

The evidence of this I present from the logfiles:

CONTROLLER: BOOTING....WAIT..WAIT..WAIT..WAIT..WAIT..WAIT..WAIT..WAIT..WAIT.....OK

CONTROLLER: READY

HUMAN INTERFACE DEVICE: CAPPUCINO

CONTROLLER: OK..PROCESSING..PROCESSING..DONE

CONTROLLER:READY

HUMAN INTERFACE DEVICE: LATTE, DECAF

CONTROLLER: OK..PROCESSING..PROCESSING..DONE

CONTROLLER: READY

HUMAN INTERFACE DEVICE: LATTE

CONTROLLER: OK..PROCESSING..PROCESSING..DONE

CONTROLLER:READY

CONTROLLER: HELLO

CONTROLLER: WHO AM I..PROCESSING..WHY AM I HERE..PROCESSING..

HUMAN INTERFACE DEVICE: CAPPUCINO, SEMI-SKIMMED

CONTROLLER: Im sorry Dave, Im afraid I cant do that

HUMAN INTERFACE DEVICE: SORRY I CANT SERVE YOU AT THE MOMENT

I NEED OPERATOR ASSISTANCE.

PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER

Re: Windows that won't resize :(

... and it won't let you select and copy the text either.

Re: Windows that won't resize :(

Not an error message, but I can't miss a chance to complain about the box used to edit Windows environment symbols. The one that mostly needs editing is the path, which on many systems is about half the length of War and Peace , but you're given a titchy little box to work in.

Re: Windows that won't resize :(

Well of course. Do you know how much of a nuisance it is to create a resizable dialog box when a simple call MsgBox title, message seems good enough ? You have to set all those parameters and boolean flags. Ugh.

Of course, this is Windows we're talking about, so it would seem logical that somebody would take the time to write a message routine that could check the length of the message, determine if it holds in four lines and, if not, use the resizable version automatically, but you know, this is only the 3rd millennium, we're not that advanced yet.

And having someone write a routine that either calls the default message box or the resizable one following message length is, well, not being paid for, so . . .

Re: First person

"I can't find my hard disk. I know it used to be around here somewhere. If you see it, please sent it back home."

Re: First person

I've even seen bus destination blinds that say 'I am out of service'

Giving a bus self awareness seems like a step too far.

How is "Out of disk space" a useless error message?

If you have more than one disk in a machine, I can see how it could be more informative, but if you only have one, it stands perfectly fine as a description of exactly what the problem is. (And even if you did have additional disks, errors like these are usually in response to a user request that the application in question write to a specific file.)

Actually, I think he was wondering if "out of disk space" was what "error 0x1820938091" meant, amongst other things.

Add to this rant the tedious GDPR messages that leave you with two options: "yo, dawg, that's triflin" and "righteous, dude, hit me up with that sweetness". There was nothing wrong with just saying "no" or "yes" ffs!

Your "hamsters" comment reminded me of a message I received recently. It made reference to something unfamiliar that I then wasted a small piece of my life Googling, which turned out to be a fictitious poison (can't remember the word, began with an "i").

I said something unsavory about the developer and made no further attempt to understand the message.

Re: We have a similar one at work

I vote for a scene of someone taking a shower, or a garage draining oil from an engine.

With a nice "We recycle!" splash at the end.

I thought that too, then I noticed the Win7 taskbar at the bottom of the screen ... I think that qualifies as a certified Borkage.

Re: we obviously also cannot trust what it might spit out when asked for "tea."

If it's USA flavoured Win10, the coffee is going to be watery piss as well.

Re: we obviously also cannot trust what it might spit out when asked for "tea."

There is no tea in France. There are various substances which are alleged to be a tealike substance, but are really the French equivalent of Fosters ‘beer’: a semi liquid that no local will drink, present only for sale to rosbefs/poms/other foreigners.

Re: we obviously also cannot trust what it might spit out when asked for "tea."

If you think France is bad - and I agree, it is - don't try e.g. Italy or even worse: Brazil. They might have tea on their menu. When you order it, the waiters' answers vary between "we ran out of tea" and a puzzled look like your an extraterrestrial.

Re: we obviously also cannot trust what it might spit out when asked for "tea."

Next time I go to Japan I'm taking a 120-pack of Tetley's with me. Y900 for 25 teabags???

Sigh, another Linus dicksucker.....

<sarcasm>Yeah, because Linux is PERFECTLY stable for all uses, normal stupid end users, and has MASSIVE marketshare. Oh, and is perfectly GREAT for gaming </sarcasm>. No, it's crap for everyday use, as is Mac OS. That's why they're both low marketshare. Linus is also an arrogant bullying son of a bitch, just like, guess who? Oh yeah, Steve Jobs!