I really am glad I live in a world where there are Octobers...although, that means absolutely nothing in Oklahoma! It is still 90* and still green! I think the weather is about to take a turn, though, and I am ready! I love the smell of wet leaves and chimney smoke! We don't have a fireplace but my neighbors do and they use them often! I'm ready to open the windows and doors and to welcome the freshness of an aired out home! I know some of you are already in the midst of all thing Autumn and I can only imagine how wonderful it is!
In my last post I indicated that we were facing something that I really wasn't prepared for and left it at that. Well, I thought I would fill you in just a bit. Back in July, my husband went in for his annual lab work at the V.A. The results showed blood in the urine and there is where it gets...frustrating. The doctor wanted him to go have a CT Scan and the VA would set up an appointment... (sigh)
We waited and waited...
Finally, we were notified that an appointment was set and he had the CT Scan done. It was another week before we received the results. The letter said the scan showed a large mass on his adrenal glad and the radiologist was concerned it was cancerous and a biopsy needed to be performed immediately. Naturally, this sent me into a tailspin since I was in the medical field and I have also lost loved ones to cancer. Of course, I must keep myself together so I can support my beloved through whatever happens. Show no emotions, no worry...stiff upper life, deal with the problem at hand and panic later. Years of being a paramedic came in handy but inside I was dying!
It took three weeks to even get anyone to talk to us about the biopsy...three...freaking...long...weeks! Anyhow, to make a long story short, the radiologist at the hospital where he was to have the biopsy said he doesn't need a biopsy because this type of tumor is almost always benign, although there is a slim chance that it could be cancerous, however the tumor should be removed because it causes other issues like high blood pressure, etc. So we are waiting on an appointment with a surgeon to see if and when he will have the surgery. And that is where we are at this point. A big sigh of relief but still being very cautious in letting myself relax about the whole thing. What has worn on us more than anything is the time it has taken to get to this point. That is what we have to deal with when doing anything through the VA. I so wish we could afford regular health insurance, so we didn't have to go through this crap, but who in the world can afford that? Certainly not us!
I will tell you one thing! If it wasn't for God, I wouldn't have gotten through these past weeks without having panic attacks and ending up in the hospital myself. God is so good to us and we sure don't deserve it but He loves my husband even more than I do so I knew, without a doubt, that everything was going to be ok...in God's timing and in God's way. However, I am human and all I could think of was, "How do I begin to prepare myself for even one day without my love, much less for the rest of my life?". Then there was the worry of "How will I survive?". I have a fixed income and it wouldn't begin to allow me to keep our home or vehicles, and such. I am ashamed to admit that I started being very selfish in my thoughts. This whole thing has knocked me off my game and I am struggling to get back...all the while not showing any of the inner battles to anyone.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers as we were waiting for answers. Of course, we are still waiting and still a bit apprehensive but it is much better with what we have learned. Please, continue to pray because I am feeling every single one!
Grace & Peace,
Pam
