Lavaland Holiday Camp (1970-1970)

Lavaland was a holiday camp on the outskirts of Scarfolk built around an active volcano, which had been designated an area of outstanding natural peril.

It opened on the first of May 1970 and closed on the first of May 1970, a mere eight hours after opening, following a catastrophic volcanic event that killed nearly three thousand guests and could be heard as far away as the bowling green in Torquay.

The Council's Tourism & Leisure Department claimed that the tragedy was a freak accident that could not have been predicted. It soon became apparent, however, that the victims were people the council had previously tried, unsuccessfully, to evict from the town: children born out of wedlock, foreigners, the poor, people with lisps, and women with ideas of their own, among others.

Physics Tax (1975-1979)

In the mid-1970s, the government introduced a series of questionable taxes. One was the Physics Tax, which was announced via leaflets posted to every household.

"As you know, gravity is supplied to you not unlike like gas, electricity or water. Creating, maintaining and distributing the forces of physics is an expensive national undertaking and the cost of running the Gravity Generator Plant in Scarfolk costs millions of pounds annually. Sustaining the right balance of gravity isn't easy and even the smallest error in calculation could leave many people at risk of floating away, perhaps irretrievably. This is why it's important that you pay your Physics Tax on time (including any surcharges), as well as report any illegal immigrants who destabilise the finely-tuned distribution of gravity."

Though countless immigrants (and citizens who made friends with immigrants) were allegedly deported between 1975 and 1979, the sudden disappearance of more than 1200 registered citizens was blamed on their failure to pay the Physics Tax. Without the appropriate levels of gravity to keep them earthbound, they had, according to the government, probably been sucked into outer space. However, by the end of the decade, it became clear that the state had lied about its capability to supply citizens with the forces of physics. Scarfolk's Gravity Generator Plant was revealed to be a facility built specifically for processing political undesirables, immigrants or otherwise, into cheap snacks for visiting tourists.

"Gaol!" Weekly (1970-79)

Sports were banned in Scarfolk (see Discovering Scarfolk page 41 for further details). However, a legal loophole permitted the playing of ancient games, as long as they were an integral part of a religious ritual.

Mayan football and other sacrifice-based Mesoamerican ballgames, which often employed human heads or skulls instead of balls, became all the rage. Not only were these early games fun and exciting, but they also gave citizens the opportunity to use up any surplus of tourists that had become ensnared in traps during the summer season.

"Gaol!" weekly was the number-one selling football publication at the time and each issue included a pull-out poster of a hat or toupee once worn by the longest serving 'headballs', the most popular of which was Mr. Kenneth Trampel of Ramsgate, Kent, who was a veteran of 22 games until his left ear fell off.

Falling Disorder (mid-1970s)

In the mid-1970s, Scarfolk was under pressure from the government to investigate a high incidence of suicides and tourist deaths in the region.* In 1974 alone there were 356 cases.

The mayor appointed the council-funded Scarfolk College, which was run by Dr. James Marde, the mayor's "bestest friend in the whole wide world," to help conduct the enquiry.

A trained psychologist, Dr. Marde soon identified a hitherto unknown condition, which he named Falling Disorder. It was this, he insisted, that was responsible for the many inexplicable demises.

According to Marde, Falling Disorder led the sufferer to tie their hands behind their own back and hurl themselves from high places.

The discovery appears to have made a considerable impact because council statistics showed that there were zero official reports of suicides or unlawful deaths in 1975, and the government was appeased. However, there were approximately 360 new cases of terminal Falling Disorder.


*For a related post go here to learn about 'Scarfolk Drop'.

The Scarfolk Towers Murders - Comic Book Adaptation (1977)

Some of you may recall the spate of murders at Scarfolk council's social housing flagship, Scarfolk Towers (it was touched upon in Scarfolk's tourist literature. See here for more information).

In 1977 there was a comic-book adaptation of the murders which served not only to lure tourists to Scarfolk but also entered the curriculum of the Business & Sociopathy Diploma course at Scarfolk Technical College. 'The Scarfolk Towers Expirations' comic became a seminal work and inspired many of Scarfolk's most successful entrepreneurs, bankers and politicians.

When one of the 'Scarfolk Towers' killers, three-year old Trevor Smite, was finally apprehended, he was presented with a 'Businesschild of the Year' award and offered 23.5% of any revenue generated by his homicidal spree, the highest payout to date for a sociopath under the age of ten (see here for the poster warning residents about dangerous children).

Trevor became a household name and hosted his own quiz panel show, 'Capitalism Punishment', on BBC Radio Scarfolk. The show penalised contestants for inadvertently introducing ethical or moral considerations into hypothetical, potentially lucrative business propositions.

More pages from 'The Scarfolk Towers Expirations' may be posted in the future.

To enlarge/zoom right-click and 'open in new page/tab'

Field recording: "The Tim Seven" / Birds. Summer 1972

A few posts back we broached the subject of 'The Tim Seven.' 

"Seven tourists visited that summer. Oddly, they were all called Timothy, wore identical clothes and appeared to communicate with each other telepathically. Everyone in Scarfolk called them 'The Tim Seven'.

Three days after they arrived in Scarfolk all the birds disappeared and for months after the Tims left whenever Scarfolk residents tried to use their telephones all they could hear on the other end was distant, frantic backward birdsong."
http://www.scarfolk.blogspot.de/2013/02/scarfolk-tourism-poster-1972.html

Some of you have expressed disbelief that these events actually occurred, which has vexed the mayor. He spent all afternoon rummaging around in the archives in search of one of the reels that were recorded at the time. So, for all you naysayers, here it is. This was recorded on the 4th July, 1972 from one of the council office telephones. This is the raw recording and it has not been tampered with in any way.

Scarfolk tourism poster 1972

Despite the letter spacing typo on the poster, Scarfolk's 1972 tourism campaign was as successful as the mayor had hoped. Seven tourists visited that summer. Oddly, they were all called Timothy, wore identical clothes and appeared to communicate with each other telepathically. Everyone in Scarfolk called them 'The Tim Seven'.

Three days after they arrived in Scarfolk all the birds disappeared and for months after the Tims left whenever Scarfolk residents tried to use their telephones all they could hear on the other end was distant, frantic backward birdsong.

'The Tim Seven' also claimed they could psychically channel a long-dead Scarfolk resident - a fifteenth century plague doctor called Ranlyn Spangles - but they could only pick up his thoughts that referred to wigs or soup spoons.

"Let's Sing The Unspeakable Together" (1970)

This is a page from a 1200 page book aimed at 4 to 6 year olds called "Let's Sing The Unspeakable Together."

The aim of the book was to familiarise young children with the town of Scarfolk, and some of its residents, through a series of infamous local unpleasantnesses.

It was first published by Scarfolk Books in 1970 but was reprinted and expanded in 1979 to include more impactful scenarios, crimes, and sheet music for recorder.

Scarfolk's tourism highlights

A page from Scarfolk's 1970 tourism literature.

"Scarfolk is more than its famous sewage treatment works, it's more than its high security mental facilities; it's more than its world renowned covens; it's more than its fine reputation which it rebuilt after a spate of grizzly serial killings..."