"Scarfolk Drop" Tourism poster. 1970

Decades before 'assisted suicide' was offered by organisations such as Switzerland's Dignitas, Scarfolk Council had its own kind of 'suicide tourism.'

The mayor and his councillors were always torn between the economic benefits of the tourist industry and not particularly liking outsiders. To balance the dichotomy, advertising man and stand-up arsonist Taylor Church suggested that the tourism board considerably exaggerate how exciting Scarfolk's tourist attractions were and then advertise them to depressives, the terminally ill, etc.

The plan was to raise the hopes of despairing tourists, so that when they arrived at an attraction it was an extreme disappointment - just the nudge they needed to 'take a plunge into the ocean'.

Cleverly, Church also recommended that tourists be guided through gift-shops before visiting the attractions, before disillusionment took too strong a hold.  

After the tourist season ended, Scarfolk children would comb the beaches for washed-up snow globes, key-rings, tea towels and other items which were then resold in the shop.

"Let's Learn About...Torture" 1976

This textbook was taught in Scarfolk schools in 1976. Here's an excerpt from the introduction:

"Experts agree that information and its communication will be very important in the late 20th and early 21st centuries. Information will become a commodity, sold only to the highest bidders, so it is crucial that students learn how to acquire information as quickly as possible if they want to survive.

Some information can be found in library books, but oftentimes, the most valuable information is buried inside another person's mind. It is up to pupils to mine that information, much like a prospector searches for coal. Sometimes he will use dynamite, other times a powerful drill is more appropriate. There are many ways that a person's mind may be mined.

Here are just a few techniques that you can try on your classmates:

--Scream at them in a high-pitched, helium-inhaled voice without pause for 47 hours.

--Beat the soles of their feet with an effigy of Jesus made out of frozen, compacted ladybirds.

--Pass a pair of stockings dipped in marmalade through their entire body from anus to mouth and then refuse to let them win a game of Monopoly.

--Bake them at gas mark 4 (350 degrees F) for 45 minutes or until the top becomes a rich, golden brown.

--Staple or glue them to a panicking, claustrophobic ostrich..."

Fuzzy-Felt Dystopia, 1976

A young girl was found wandering the streets of Scarfolk in 1976. She claimed that she had escaped from a secret school hidden beneath the town hospital.

She was sent to Scarfolk Hills mental facility where, in brief lucid states between medication regimes and electro-therapy, she created this image again and again.

Her claims were never investigated.

Scarfolk Ice-Cream range, 1979

In Scarfolk the ice-cream van man comes between 3 & 4am. You can hear him blaring the haunting Swedish Rhapsody numbers station* from over a mile away.

The ice-cream van man wears a clown mask to disguise the horrific burns on his face because he doesn't want to frighten the children. He uses clothes pegs to hold the mask on because he is missing an ear.

He lives in a nondescript building in an electrical substation and no one knows his name.

*Here's a recording of Scarfolk's ice-cream van playing the Swedish Rhapsody Numbers Station.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUQUD3IMbb4

"Medium-sized illness" State healthcare in early 1970s Scarfolk

The state healthcare system - the SHS (Scarfolk Health Service) - fiercely encourages people not to be sick.

In 1974 there is a total budget of 29 pounds 102 pence per person. The SHS is very reluctant to help you.

To receive tolerable healthcare, residents are encouraged to give each other medical gift-tokens, which can be spent at any clinic, pharmacy, hardware shop or oil refinery.

This poster was on the walls of most hospitals and clinics.

Scarfolk's tourism highlights

A page from Scarfolk's 1970 tourism literature.

"Scarfolk is more than its famous sewage treatment works, it's more than its high security mental facilities; it's more than its world renowned covens; it's more than its fine reputation which it rebuilt after a spate of grizzly serial killings..."