Sing-a-Long-a-Savagery (1970s Toy)

In order to prepare children for adulthood, parents in Scarfolk wanted to familiarise their toddlers with life's cruelties as soon as possible. Toy and game manufacturers were only happy to oblige.

ScarToys' Sing-a-long-a-Savagery Music Box TV (see above) contained gruesome images of decapitation, dismemberment and disembowelment by artists such as Goya, Caravaggio and Hieronymus Bosch. The images were accompanied by nursery rhymes such as Girls & Boys Come Out To Maim, Mary Had a Little Laceration, and Wrinkle, Wrinkle, Little Scar (See Discovering Scarfolk p. 159 for more details).

Additionally, children were forced to endure a variety of traumas they might typically face as adults. These included peer-group rejection, physical and mental degeneration (achieved with regular bleach injections and a cricket bat), and being hunted by the official Women's Institute sniper.

For more toys and games see: The Drowning Game, Mr Liver Head, Pollute, Mr Smug, Landmine, Action Man Waterboarding Playset and Lung Puppy.

Accidents in the Workplace (1971)

In the first half of the 1970s, accidents in the workplace increased one-hundred fold, largely because work equipment and machinery were poorly maintained by employers. In fact, health and safety guidelines were so frequently overlooked by corporations that the government could see no reason why employees shouldn't be able to accurately foresee and schedule the life-changing accidents that would befall them; especially because every major company was obliged to provide its workers, as per union regulations, with the services of a clairvoyant or witch.

In January 1971 the scheduling of accidents became policy. The state would only pay disability benefits and/or sick pay if the time and nature of an employee's workplace accident had been approved in advance by his employer.

Employees who had unplanned accidents as a result of their employer's negligence were accused of unprofessionalism and many were fired for damaging company resources and impeding productivity.

Some enterprises, however, turned the nuisance of careless workers to their advantage: One company that manufactured metal warning and safety signs for Scarfolk Council saw its employees mutilated by volatile machinery so many times that it stopped sign-making and moved into the far more lucrative decorative finger business.

Scarfolk Children's Books (1970s)

This year it's 100 years since Ladybird books were first published. Generations of children turned to these pocket-sized hardbacks for their favourite fairy tales, but not only: They read sanitised, biased accounts of history's bloodiest chapters, as well as the biographies of popular, cruel despots such as Genghis Khan, Caligula and Queen Elizabeth II. They even learned how to make useless objects from hazardous components and how to destroy imbecilic superstitions with rudimentary science.

Unfortunately, Scarfolk children were not interested in Ladybird books or the subjects that entertained and educated other British children. To meet their needs, the Scarfolk Book company created its own series of small hardback books. A selection of some of the more popular editions is below.

"Ritual & Invasive Mind Control" (Mayflower Books, 1978)

From children to teachers to pensioners; from secretaries to factory workers to black propaganda operatives secretly working for the government disguised as school dinner ladies, mind control was all the rage in 1970s Scarfolk.

Everyone was at it. Dozens of 'DIY' books flooded the market and there was a schism over which was the better method: occult ritual magick, the use of precision medical implements such as straightened wire coat hangers, or television advertising.

Because the government had already employed potent thought-control techniques to cap the cognitive abilities of citizens, most people didn't master much more than the basics, such as the Disco Leech Maneouver (see the book cover below), which reduced the mental age of a subject by up to 4 hours.

An except from chapter one:

"...Carefully insert a finger or medical (non-musical) instrument into the nasal cavity. The opening is quite narrow but about 2 metres in it opens out into a larger chamber. Here you will encounter a marsupial called Zimbardo, who guards the entrance to the brain. You will not be able to pass him unless you agree to a wrestling match (Blavatsky rules). Let him win. Once you have access to the brain you will see that its interior resembles bubble wrap. Use your finger/instrument to pop as many of these 'think pockets' as you feel is appropriate. If the subject begins to gurgle or talk backwards, immediately exit the brain via the nostril, ensuring that you take any litter with you..."

Follow the Country Code (1979)

Scarfolk's farmers, like its firemen and policemen, are very delicate but have demanding jobs. Farmers wake up very early, often before lunchtime, to sing ballads to wheat fields, counsel anxious potatoes and smear themselves with shit.

They must also be able to communicate telepathically with livestock destined for ritual sacrifice. Pagan rites are complex and it's crucial that animals learn their lines and do exactly as they are instructed. Even the slightest deviation from standard procedure can lead to a faulty communion with the Nameless Lord of No Known Name, whom locals call Mr. Johnson for the sake of brevity.
Most sacrificial animals are fully aware of their fates and tend to mumble or mime their lines to delay the inevitable. It's not death that bothers them so much as being reincarnated as motorway service station employees.

A not very well hidden April Fools' bonus image is here

"Vulnerable Sam: Inflatable Child Substitute" (1972)

 

This educational product went on the market in late 1972 and was targeted at prospective parents, nursery school teachers and church staff. It afforded them the opportunity to practice their corporal punishment techniques before inflicting them on an actual child.

From the product description:
"'Vulnerable Sam' wants you to hit him (or her). Yes, that's right: Give him a good old whack! (wooden spoon provided). 'Vulnerable Sam' deserves everything you can throw at him. Hone your skills like a pro so when it comes to the real thing you can achieve the perfect balance of injury and compliance. Our research shows that correctly administered physical punishment will produce long-term psychological effects. Guaranteed. Now, that's what we call value for money!

'Vulnerable Sam' requires no medical attention and can't report you to the police or welfare services. So what are waiting for? Pick up that wooden spoon, cricket bat, or red hot poker and strike while the iron's hot!

'Vulnerable Sam's' body can be filled to simulate child body density at different ages:
- Inflate with air (0-2yrs)
- Fill with jam or marmalade (2-3yrs)
- Pack with cooked ham or black pudding (3-4yrs)
- Pack with raw lamb, beef or giraffe (4-6yrs)

Sample admonitions that you might like to try out:
"Sam! Stop it! Only filthy animals defecate where they sleep!"
" Jesus hates you, Sam. It's your fault that he was killed by Italians."
"Why must you constantly remind me of my first child who died?"
"You are irretrievably unaesthetic. I'm ashamed and sense the scorn of my peers."
"Your father is foreign."

"Son Oil" Baby Marinade (1979)

It has been some time since the mayor permitted us access to his collection of 1970s pharmaceutical postcards. Here's one for the summer:

The text on the reverse of the postcard:

"A child's skin is vulnerable and can easily burn, which could impair the flavour. To avoid damaging the skin first blanch the child for fives minutes then generously apply Son Oil. Add salt, pepper and newts to taste, then leave the child in the garden during the hottest part of the day. Whimpering usually means that the child is ready to be transferred to the grill or oven. Warning: Illegitimate or unbaptized children burn more quickly."

Primary school tapeworm experiments (1970s)

Back in the 1970s there was no way of ascertaining how some medical products might affect humans.

Rabbits, chimps and other animals were needed for dark ritualistic purposes and human volunteers were not forthcoming, especially after several high-profile medical scandals.

The Cavalier Pharmaceutical Company hit on the brilliant idea of publishing a series of primary school science and maths books. They donated them along with a generous endowment to Scarfolk Education Board which had no choice but to introduce the books to the curriculum.

The textbooks invited young children to conduct experiments on themselves and record the data, which contributed to higher end-of-year grades. The best scoring pupils from each school were awarded the chance to try out the medicine to which their schoolwork had contributed. They also won free cigarettes, as well as courses of either anti-seizure or anti-psychotic medication.

There's another page from the Scarfolk maths and science book here.
 

(click image to enlarge)

"Scarfolk Drop" Tourism poster. 1970

Decades before 'assisted suicide' was offered by organisations such as Switzerland's Dignitas, Scarfolk Council had its own kind of 'suicide tourism.'

The mayor and his councillors were always torn between the economic benefits of the tourist industry and not particularly liking outsiders. To balance the dichotomy, advertising man and stand-up arsonist Taylor Church suggested that the tourism board considerably exaggerate how exciting Scarfolk's tourist attractions were and then advertise them to depressives, the terminally ill, etc.

The plan was to raise the hopes of despairing tourists, so that when they arrived at an attraction it was an extreme disappointment - just the nudge they needed to 'take a plunge into the ocean'.

Cleverly, Church also recommended that tourists be guided through gift-shops before visiting the attractions, before disillusionment took too strong a hold.  

After the tourist season ended, Scarfolk children would comb the beaches for washed-up snow globes, key-rings, tea towels and other items which were then resold in the shop.

"Stop The Ripper From Killing Again" Police appeal ads

This police message appeared in national newspapers and as posters in Scarfolk schools, libraries and community centres for occult cloning.

The Lynch case aside, in the late 1970s there was another manhunt underway for the killer of three actresses. The police, desperate to spark the memories of any potential witnesses, planned a reenactment and hired Jonty Lumm, an actor and model who most resembled police sketches of the killer.

During the reenactment Jonty killed the actress hired to play one of the actress victims and the police quickly realised that they would have to engage another actor to portray Jonty in a future reenactment.

Though Jonty Lumm was never found, police reenactments became popular. Scarfolk prison put on its own charity reenactments in which inmates would replay their own crimes for an enthusiastic audience. The 1979 show raised £7,799 for a charity that helped police men and women learn how to read.

"Never Go With Strange Children" public information poster, 1977

This public information poster was ubiquitous during the mid-1970s when there was a spate of cases involving adults being abducted from leisure centres, building sites and nudist beaches.

The police launched a public manhunt hoping that the perpetrator would be swiftly apprehended, but the crimes went unsolved for nearly two years. Terrified grownups would only go outside in groups of four or five and many pubs refused to open.

It was only when a police medium read the entrails of a recently sacrificed tramp that clues were finally unearthed, leading to the arrest of eight year old Steven Benson who had fed his victims to his tortoise, Admiral Twinkles.

When Steven was taken into state care and Admiral Twinkles escaped, it was suggested that the tortoise, which was an illegal immigrant, had used 'Manchurian Candidate' style psychological techniques to manipulate young Steven into subconsciously carrying out his instructions.

"How to Wash a Child's Brain" Pelican Books, 1971

With the SHS (Scarfolk Health Service) stretched to its limits and running low on resources, parents in the early 1970s were encouraged to remove and wash their children's brains at home.

In 1971 Scarfolk Council collaborated with Pelican Books to produce this handy 21-page guide to brain and cranial cavity cleansing.

An excerpt from the book:

"... Always wear woollen gloves (or mittens) [...] After the child's brain has been removed with the two brain spoons, rinse it in a solution of vinegar, ammonia and curry powder, then rest the brain on a soft cloth or tea towel for a few minutes, or for as long as is convenient. During this time remove all your clothes and incant pagan ritual #23, as found in the appendix (of this book, not your child) [...] Do not spit on the brain or leave it near a hungry or rabid pet, such as a guinea pig [...] If the brain has swelled outside the cranial cavity and will no longer fit, simply snip away part of the frontal or temporal lobe with nail clippers and discard. This will not affect your child's development. [...] If your child has a seizure slap it and insist that bad behaviour will not be tolerated..."

Meet Mr. Rumbelows, Minister for Health.

Here's another page from the children's book "Let's Sing The Unspeakable Together," which was first published in 1970 (Go here for more details and another excerpt from the book).

Mr. Rumbelows was eventually tracked down by the authorities and coerced back into his position as minister for public health.

However, his obsession with bodily 'tidiness,' as he called it, never abated and by 1977 he was completely limbless. He could only operate his typewriter with a mixture of telekinesis and a complex device made out of lolly-pop sticks, coat hanger wire and double-sided sticky tape.

Mills & Boon: "Catheters, Kisses & Colostomies" 1974

Until 1971 married women were only allowed to leave their husbands' homes if they had the appropriate documentation. The so-called 'Wife Pass' also restricted married ladies to selected shops: supermarkets, hairdressers, bingo halls, etc.

However, once a year, ladies could enter a bookshop (if accompanied by a man), but only to buy recipe books, cheap romance novels, or calenders containing photographs of kittens frolicking in wool.

The 'Pass' listed a wife's government-allocated prettiness rating, her most accomplished household skills (bed making, cooking, dog worming, etc), as well as her preferred brands of washing powder and other cleaning products.

The author of "Catheters, Kisses & Colostomies," Gigi Feague, was actually a violent schizophrenic called Trevor 'Terror' Chlidge who, when not smearing himself with his own faeces and screaming in his Scarfolk Prison cell, wrote dozens of romance books, as well as guides for parents about childcare and child development in general. 

TV test card & "The Scarfolk Nurse"

Here's a BBC Scarfolk TV testcard from 1970.

The SHS (Scarfolk Health Service) suggested these particular photographs in an attempt to subliminally accustom citizens to the plummeting success rate of state healthcare and to lower their expectations.

But they got more than they bargained for. Throughout the 70s a very faint, ghostly image of a woman's face began inexplicably appearing on Scarfolk's local TV broadcasts. Because she was first seen on this early 'SHS' testcard, she became known as "The Scarfolk Nurse."

She appeared on all kinds of programmes, but was most often seen during children's television broadcasts at times of social unrest. Engineers at the TV station never found a technical explanation for the phenomenon, nor could they for the examples of distant, eerie voices on the radio, which were also attributed to the "Nurse".

Can you see her? She's there if you look hard enough....

"Wake Up!" road safety public information poster

Naturally, road safety is as important in Scarfolk as it is anywhere else.

There was a car accident on Scarfolk Moors in November, 1975. A driver veered off the road after being distracted by a dark, hulking entity stalking across the barren, misty landscape.

The driver tried to film the entity with his Super8 film camera, but the footage is shaky and indistinct.

Many believe this is a confirmed sighting of the 'Scarfolk Beast,' which was spotted on the moors and even around town for many years.

Though many townspeople claim to have seen the 'Beast,' descriptions vary:

"...At first I thought it was a large, hand-knitted tortoise..."

"...It had the head and upper body of a fish and the lower body of a mermaid..."

"...Like a gigantic dropped lasagne with long hair..."

"...It stood up-right like an embarrassed man with an erection..."

"...It didn't look like a creature to me - just an angry tramp in a sleeping bag in a shopping trolley struggling to propel himself along with two drain plungers..."

Sadocrem

Back in the very early 70s, Sadocrem was also used as a low-fat butter substitute or whipped and added to fruit trifles.

Fuzzy-Felt Dystopia, 1976

A young girl was found wandering the streets of Scarfolk in 1976. She claimed that she had escaped from a secret school hidden beneath the town hospital.

She was sent to Scarfolk Hills mental facility where, in brief lucid states between medication regimes and electro-therapy, she created this image again and again.

Her claims were never investigated.

The 'Inoc-uous' vaccination machine

Scarfolk primary school installed one of these Inoc-uous devices in the basement in 1974. The entire school's pupils queued up for their daily jabs while singing hymns.

The inventors of the Inoc-uous were originally from Berlin but moved to the UK in late 1945 to avoid prosecution and were snapped up by Scarfolk Pharmaceuticals. They also invented a range of air-fresheners and the artificial flavouring that would eventually be marketed as 'prawn cocktail'.

"Medium-sized illness" State healthcare in early 1970s Scarfolk

The state healthcare system - the SHS (Scarfolk Health Service) - fiercely encourages people not to be sick.

In 1974 there is a total budget of 29 pounds 102 pence per person. The SHS is very reluctant to help you.

To receive tolerable healthcare, residents are encouraged to give each other medical gift-tokens, which can be spent at any clinic, pharmacy, hardware shop or oil refinery.

This poster was on the walls of most hospitals and clinics.