Bunny🐰🪓’s review published on Letterboxd:
All this for useless eye transplants.
You know what? The final 10 minutes or so of this movie were actually good, but saying that would be pretty similar to a guy who, under the influence of alcohol, brutally crashes his friend's brand new car to a point where people at the location of the accident are surprised as to how he even survived with barely a scratch. And then, the next day, that same guy looks at the car, then for some reason looks at the spare tire and says, "At least this is still brand new..." 🦗🦗🦗
So, the story continues four years after the original flick, set in France, and right off the bat, the ball starts rolling as you witness a priest go up in flames mid-air. Fast forward to Sister Irene, who is visited by one of the big bosses of the Vatican. He informs her about a series of deaths in different parts of Europe and wants her to investigate. Since Burke from the first movie passed away, these geniuses decide that there’s no one else competent enough left in the whole of Europe. Now, this mind-blowing moment reminded me of those YouTube videos where a smartass goes around asking Gen Z kids in the USA a bunch of questions to prove how dumb they are since they can’t answer them properly. And you know what? I don’t know about this Gen Z lot, but if you asked this bunch in the room how many countries there are in Europe, these motherfuckers would surely go, "Isn't Europe its own country?" And if you cross-question them about Hungary, France, Austria, they'd go, "They're like... places... in Europe, duh..." 💀
Because your brain has to be overflowing with a shit ton of stupid serum if you think and want others to believe that in the 1950s, there were just a handful of competent priests or nuns present in a continent where the predominant religion was Christianity, at least in the 1950s! And let's just say it was true what about South America, Africa, Asia? Or did you just rocket-launch all of them to different countries with an agenda to convert everyone in the name of Christ? No...no.. no it was helping the needy in the name of Christ, and they just accepted Jesus. Yes, that's the version we're going with. I... I mean, that’s what actually happened. Forget all that I said above, 10 Hail Marys for me 🙃.
Also, how many times are you going to throw in a novitiate who hasn't taken her vows and is going through that same old "I don't know if I believe in God or not, and I want to believe but I can't" type of shit? I mean, it's a good way to develop character, but Lord Michael doesn't give a fuck about real character development, does he? According to him, character development means just moving the actors from one place to another without any meaningful interaction that would get the audience invested and make them care. Instead, just throw them into the finale and make them say out loud, "IT'S A MIRACLE, SISTER IRENE, AND NOW I BELIEVE." Oh, fuck... it's a miracle, y'all... let's all bow down and fart... sorry I meant clap for Michael fucking Chaves.
Just in case you're even more drunk than me while reading this and can’t comprehend what I just said, Storm Reid plays a character that can be defined as a supporting role to a character who is playing a supporting role to another character who is playing a supporting role to the lead actress in a slasher, where Storm's the one who probably dies in the background in the lamest way possible and is forgotten mid-movie. That's the type of impact Sister Debra has in this movie. Then again, what did Joey King achieve even after appearing in one of the best movies of this franchise? Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot about that critically acclaimed and highly successful trilogy The Kissing Booth, that earned billions... my bad.
But other than this, what actually happens in the movie is the question I'm always left with even after a rewatch. The answer to that would be... DILDO HAPPENS, DILDO! The entire movie is filled with nonsensical and dumb scares that milk as much as they can from Valak. By the way, in the span of three movies, Bonnie's makeup keeps getting worse. And what the fuck is with this desperate attempt to somehow connect this one with The Conjuring 2 by literally copy-pasting the entire iconic stills from that movie? Why... are you so hell-bent on turning everything I love into shit, Dildo King Michael, why?...
Now, on a very serious note, this movie is only going to succeed or be considered good if the finale actually ends with Irene and her team facing a soul-crushing defeat. I've written about it in my The Nun 2017 review, and it becomes even more crucial to implement this defeat after the reveal in that movie where the Warrens are performing an exorcism on Frenchie. I mean, think logically why would all this relic Eyes of Saint Lucy shit even matter, especially when Valak successfully got its eye transplant and all. Like, what are you even trying to prove with any of this? Why should anyone care if you're not even going to put in actual effort into your story?
The fact that I predicted long before this movie even came out that it was going to be shit, a prediction solidified even more when Chaves was chosen for the project, is not something I'm proud of. I've always wanted Valak to get the best story possible and make a long-lasting impact on horror cinema. And in between all of this, the only person really getting abused is Bonnie Aarons. People need to understand that she is not some freak. Yes, she has very sharp features, but she deserves to be treated like a real actor with a proper role, not as a prop. Watching all of this is truly heartbreaking, is all I can say.
