cupcake_goth | Recent Entries

(Man, I've been getting a lot of use out of that title.)

Yes, I've read the Vulture article about Neil Gaiman. I believe the victims. 100%
If you haven't read it, know that it should have ALL the content warnings, because it documents horrific things. Seriously, it's stomach-churning.

I have a LOT of things by him - books, comics, collectibles. I think they're all going to go live in boxes while I decide what to do with them.

I, like a lot of people who had varying degrees of "friendship" with him, am struggling with the specter of "I should have known. I should have seen through the mask". If you're someone struggling with similar feelings, know you're not alone.

(The Stroppy One read the article before me and gave me some serious warnings. He also said that, after reading the article, he realized that I was somehow very lucky in the mid 90s when I met Gaiman and hung out with him at conventions, because I was the sort he preyed on. There's a line in the article, from the reporter seeing the gathering of the women who came forward, describing them as "Dark haired, with delicate features, they could be sisters".)

I BELIEVE THE VICTIMS.

I spent the past week in Phoenix, AZ for the annual company kickoff event. The first two days were, as traditional, the Big Company Events, with talks by the CFO/acting CEO, the company founder, assorted senior VPs, and ... motivational speakers. Who are always sports people. Our entire C-suite looooooooves sports. I tend to doze or scroll through my phone during the motivational speakers, because if you've heard one you've heard them all, and I am Very Much Not a sports person.

Our CFO/CEO also looooooooves Taylor Swift (his daughters got him into her music), so his talks always reference her in some way. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if at some point the company blows all the money they spend on motivational speakers to get her to perform at the company party or something.

Speaking of the company party: it was held at a basketball stadium. There was an emcee/DJ who was very loud, there were flashing lights, a massive crowd of people, and a marching drum corps who constantly circled around the venue. I lasted about an hour and then fled back to my hotel in the hopes of warding off a migraine.

The kickoff was useful, tho'. I talked to a lot of our Sales team about what the hell they're doing ("OMG you're in charge of localization?! I will set up a meeting" was a thing that was frequently said), caught up with some PMs who I needed to get info from, and generally learned about plans that I had no idea about.

But MY G-D, I am glad to be home. Post-event crash means a lot of sleeping or flopping on the couch and reassuring Miss Erzabet No Biting that I haven't abandoned her.

---

This coming week has turned out to be non-stop medical appointments.
Monday: Breast MRI
Tuesday: Therapy AND psychiatrist
Friday: Botox

Yay? I guess?

- Our NYE was quiet. We spent the day hanging out with a friend, then spent the evening watching Wicked (which had just hit streaming), and then a compilation on YouTube of goth artist's appearances on Top of the Pops. The Stroppy One had found it previously, and cleverly set it to run so it would end at 11:59.

- Today is packing day for flying on Monday to Arizona for the annual Company Kick-off week. I reached out to the VP and senior VP of Global Sales, introduced myself and talked about my owning localization for user documents and the UI, and asked if I could sit in on the team sessions for their org. They enthusiastically invited me and thanked me for the work I've done so far.

- I'm perpetually fatigued these days. In part because hoo-boy did I let my sleep schedule slide during the holiday break, but I'm pretty sure that's not the only reason. Ugh.

- We do indeed have a PINK sparkly tree, and it makes me happy every time I see it.

( TREEEEEE! )

- The Stroppy One went all-out on making sure I had a good holiday. One weekend he surprised me with going to the Woodland Park Zoo "Zoo Lanterns" exhibit with

minim_calibre and family (which includes the eldest godkid). It was beautiful, but my favorite part was probably the area where they had a bubble machine set up with a fog machine, which means the bubbles were filled with swirling vapor and were otherworldly.

Then the Sunday before Christmas he informed me that we were going to the Herb farm the next evening and staying at the fancy hotel across the road. (minim & husband also joined us for that.) We're extremely lucky to have had the disposable income to go to the Herbfarm a few times before, and each time is magical. The menu that we had (the date says Dec. 27, but it's the same one we had on the 23rd).

( Fancy om-nom-nom )

- We spent Christmas day with one set of friends for a holiday brunch and trip to see Nosferatu. I, as you can guess, loved it. It's a gothic romance with some elements of horror, the cast were stellar in their performances, and it's so gothic-ly lush and beautiful. I am, of course, going to buy it on blu-ray as soon as it's available.

---

I saw a friend's copy of the 2025 Witch's Planner from Open Sea Design Co., and decided I needed it. One of my plans for next year is to get back to doing more witchy things; I haven't had the energy or focus for it, but I know that getting back to it will help ground me and lower my damn stress levels.

- We are going to have a Christmas tree this year! I think this is the first year since 2011 that we'll have a tree. The Stroppy One indulged me, and a pre-lit tree in PINK is arriving this week. PINK SPARKLY TREE! Things are going to be interesting, because this will be the first time ever that the Kitties of Chaos will experience a tree. My theory is that Vlad will lose his mind in glee and Erzabet will be freaked out. (And yes, we're securing the tree to walls with hooks and fishing line.)

- Mood swings and crying for no reason continue. I'm meeting with my doctor next week to talk about what non-HRT options there are.

- Related to visiting my doctor: I read the site for the medical weight loss specialist the oncologist recommended to me, and their approaches will not work for me. Intensive exercise isn't possible with my physical issues (plus that lovely post-exertional malaise that is a gift with purchase with ME/CFS), and calorie tracking + very restricted calorie intake will send me on the path of madness of an eating disorder. (Also the place offers "medispa" services, which makes me very suspicious of them.) So! After a ton of research AND being in customer service chat hell with my insurance provider, my doctor and I are going to talk about GLP1 meds. Yes, the "magic bullet" weight loss drug family that's gotten so much press. However, there is strong evidence that that drug family not only helps with weight loss, but reduces inflammation, some menopausal issues, and mental health. (I discussed them with my psych, and he thinks they'd help me.) And because I have some interlocking health issues, there's a strong chance my insurance will actually approve and pay for this med. Fingers crossed.

- I've been getting back into vintage perfume, specifically Opium. Which has gone through several reformulations, so I'm only interested in ones from the 80s to very early 90s. The holy grail, of course, is an OG bottle from the late 70s when it was released. I just got my tiny decant of that from a specialist store, and mmmmm. Yes, this is the sort of fragrance I want. This, Chanel Coromandel, and the OG Thierry Mugler Angel are my favorite "name brand" perfumes; thankfully I have enough of Angel from the era of me wearing it every day that I don't have to haunt eBay to find some. Now let's see if my skin does the thing where it completely absorbs and nullifies any perfume I apply. This started a few years ago, which is part of the reason I collect scent lockets.

I barely looked at my Spotify Wrapped, but I did want to see what my most-listened to song was. I really should have expected what it was. :D

Hold Me Like a Grudge by Fall Out Boy

I do really like the song, but part of it is also that as soon as the new FOB album hit, the Hannibal Extended Universe side of the Hannibal fandom rose up, pointed at the song, and declared it the anthem of a particular cross-media pairing. Look, we're predictable in some ways. "Part time soul mate, full time problem" indeed.

(For those who want to know what characters: Nigel, played by Mads Mikkelsen, from The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman, and Bobby Bronson, played by Hugh Dancy, from one single episode of the Roar show on Apple TV. Charming assholes, the both of them.)

- We didn't have a Thanksgiving. We were going to head out to my step-sister's, but the Stroppy One had been at a big M:tG event since the previous Wednesday. He returned on Monday completely exhausted, and still didn't feel safe enough to drive on Thursday. We're making separate plans with Dad and Patty to see them very soon.

- At that big M:tG event, the Stroppy One was the most popular artist there. Apparently the shortest time to get through his line was 90 minutes. It was a great show for him, but no wonder he's still exhausted.

- The "change a back closure bra to a front closure" test went fantastically! I promptly bought three more of the same style of bra, and the Madwoman has altered them. Yay, more underthings!

- I've been off HRT for over a month now, and whoo-yeah, it was making a difference. A BIG difference. I'm back to having crying meltdowns for no reason at least two times a week. Do. Not. Want. So there are messages that I need to send to a few of my medical team and talk about what can be done. In the meantime, this is terrible.

- News that shocked my particular section of music fandom: Bob Bryar, the longest-tenured drummer who was with My Chemical Romance, was found dead. (There are additional details but they lead to some pretty gruesome speculation, so I'm sparing you all.) After the band fired Bob, he slowly turned into a pretty unpleasant person who was falling down the alt-right pit, but he was an important part of the band through the end of everything with The Black Parade and all of the MCR fans are in shock.

- The Stroppy One is determined that we will do fun holiday stuff this year. He doesn't have a deadline over December (for once), and he knows that over the past decade or so, I get low during the holidays. That usual mild depression + the no HRT mood swings? Yeah, he is determined to make the month as good as possible for me.

Because of my back and general body aches, I have switched to wearing front-closure bras. I like them, but the ones that work best for me (and my wardrobe) are plunge bras, and sometimes I don't want that. After searching the interwebs, I found this post on how to convert a back-closure bra to front-closure.

After showing the post to the Madwoman in the Attic (who snorted and said, "Yeah, that's easy enough that you could probably do it yourself, please don't"), I ordered a bra in my current size and handed it over to her. She did the change overnight, so later today I will try on the new bra and report back on how it works.

---

Because of OMG WEATHER in our region (we didn't lose power, thank goodness) and the general stress of my life recently, I had a migraine off-and-on all last week. I finally admitted defeat on Friday, tapped out super early, and spent most of the weekend sleeping or being a lump on the couch. Miss Erzabet No Biting approved of this.

---

I've really missed the long-skirted velvet waistcoats that I used to wear all the time. ChicStar no longer makes them, and they're impossible to find on any of the 2nd hand sites. So I pulled out the two that I could almost button closed and added D-ring tape down the front so I can lace them closed. I also waved one (before the alterations I did), waved it at the Madwoman, and then unearthed the black and the wine velvet that I had the most of. She confirmed there was enough yardage of both, so I'll have new waistcoats sometime in the near future, yay!

But that's not today.

I had my second appointment with the pulmonologist to try and figure out why I randomly feel short of breath/air hunger. The final "answer": X-rays show my lungs look great, yay! My breathing tests are normal, yay! Why do I need a rescue inhaler multiple times a week? Who knows! Possibly ME/CFS post-exertion malaise and general fuckery? Oh, probably. Soooooo there's no real solution, except use the inhaler when I need it.

... I guess that means I can stop putting brain power to that, and focus on the various things I'll need to do in order to lessen the risk of breast cancer. Because that'll be fun or something.

Yes, yes, taking care of my stupid mortal shell is vital and necessary, but DAMN is it stressful.

- In an attempt to keep my sanity/improve my mood/reboot my brain, I'm (mostly) staying off social media once I'm done with work. (Yes, I'm active on social media during the work day, mostly because my personal computer is next to my work computer, so I dink around while I'm waiting for things to do what they're supposed to.) What am I doing in the evenings? Recently it's been rewatch all the comfort media, because I am STRESSED about :: gestures vaguely :: everything. I'm getting back into DIY and customizing clothes. My beloved (and long-discontinued) long velvet waistcoats from ChicStar no longer fit me, but I can add D-ring tape to the inside of the openings and lace them up over ruffled blouses! I'm currently working on my black one, and am adding wide venice lace along the front to cover where the button holes are. Depending on how this works, I'm doing this to the matching wine red one.

-I 'm hoping that doing this will eventually get me to the point where I can write non-work stuff again. I know what the next few Gothic Charm School articles will be, I just need to get the motivation and brain together to write.

- I have my follow-up appointment for the microblading of my brows in early Dec. Since it involves going to Seattle, I'm going to contact my regular tattoo artist and find out if he has an opening on the same day so I can go get my next tattoo. It's a small one, but vital that I get pretty damn soon, especially with all the poking at my insecurities that has been going on in therapy. It's two lines from "Rock n' Roll Suicide" by David Bowie: "you're wonderful", in his handwriting. (Yes, there are images of the handwritten lyrics out there online.) So yeah, if the scheduling works out, I'm essentially getting two tattoos in one day. Wheee!

- Speaking of therapy, whooo. I now know that if someone says "I'm proud of you", my instinct is to either vocally dismiss it or start crying. Thanks, Brain Raccoons, so helpful. Look, I know repressing my emotions so I can take care of other people is not a valid long-term plan of behavior, but figuring out how to rein back that impulse is difficult. As much as I get mad at Dad about the "Oh, I don't want to bother you" pattern, I have to admit that I do the same damn thing. (People of a certain age, you're welcome for the "I learned it from you!" PSA flashback.)

Yesterday's meeting with the oncologist was okay. He was super-nice and gave me a lot of information. The tl;dr version:

I am at risk for breast cancer. Not super-super high risk, but more at risk than the general population.
Next step: MRI.
Then more convos with the oncologist and my doctor.
Annual mammograms and MRIs.
I almost certainly need to lose weight, and have a referral for a medical weight loss specialist. When I see her, I'll be very clear and emphatic about my chronic illnesses and back issue.

Yay? I guess?

---

Ticketmaster is the devil. By the time I got through the virtual queue to buy MCR tickets, there were NO ADA seats showing. I bought tickets anyway, stayed on hold with Ticketmaster forever, and learned that there isn't anything they can do right now. A ticket has been opened with the Tier 2 support folks, and now it's a case of wait and see if any ADA options become available or they can do something.

I may end up buying a second set of $280+ tickets and selling the ones I originally bought. I dunno. I HATE TICKETMASTER.

(There were no options for getting ADA seats for either L.A. or SF, and the remaining tickets were $300+, arrrrgggh.)

My Chemical Romance announced a short 2025 tour focusing on The Black Parade.

MCR IS GOING ON TOUR!!!!!!

Wow, did I need that news. Tickets go on sale on Friday. I'm hoping to get tix for THREE different cities, as they're only playing one night per location. I'm also reminding myself that if Ticketmaster does what Ticketmaster always does, I do have the option of calling the venues and saying "Hi, I need ADA seats and Ticketmaster isn't showing if any are available. Plz help me buy tickets".

OH MY G-D MCR IS GOING ON TOUR I WILL GET TO SEE MY PRECIOUS CUPCAKES OF BOMBAST!!!!!!

The medical scheduling people called me back today - it turns out that I was scheduled with the wrong sort of professional. I was scheduled for a virtual visit with a nurse practitioner who specializes in breast health etc., but I actually need an in-person visit with an oncologist. My appointment is now for next Thursday.

I am a little freaked out by "oncologist". Yes, good, that's the professional I should be seeing. But as some of you know, my Mom had been diagnosed with leukemia when I was 10, so there were a lot of visits with oncologists for decades. Intellectually I know that "oncologist" doesn't mean Oh Noes The Sky Is Falling Scream Terror, but I have now learned that my emotions don't believe that AT ALL. Guess what I'm going to be talking to my therapist about next week.

Relatedly, I feel like I've been a terrible friend to people. I want to be supportive and there for my folks beyond texts and emails, but I'm so tired. I feel like I've been running from fire to fire for a long time now. But again, my emotions and inherent "I will help! I help and fix things!" programming from childhood mean that I constantly feel guilty. Should I reach out to people and ask for health? Do I tell other people to do that? Yes. Of course. Do I feel like I'll be a horrible burden if I ask for help? ahahahahahaah those of you who know of my childhood are shaking your heads at me.

(My childhood wasn't awful. But I was very conscious of our being lower-lower-middle class and how tight money was and I (in retrospect) did some parenting of my parents. I am not wired to ask for help or things I need, and now that I've written that WOW is it an understatement.)

(I have nearly deleted the above two paragraphs four times now. Because "I shouldn't bother everyone with my issues". Any of you who see me in person in the near future have my permission to thump me on the head.)

So. That's the state of the Jilli. Stressed, worried, overwhelmed. And freaking out about the absolute trashfire the world is right now. I hope the rest of you are doing better.

I finally spoke to the nurse practitioner. The biopsy shows no cancer, yay! However, there are "concerning atypical cells", which means I have won a consultation with a breast cancer specialist to discuss if I need more tests, and to discuss my "ongoing breast health plan". The first appointment is virtual and is happening on Dec. 17th.

I'm pretty sure this means that menopausal HRT is no longer an option for me. Dammit. I really don't want to go back to hot flashes, mood swings, and shitty (shittier than usual, I mean) sleep. Revisiting all those things since the second mammogram has reminded me how awful all of that is.

---

Coveting! Blackwood Castle, who makes pretty pretty things, have launched a super-cute short cloak! With a nice hood, buttons, and pockets, even. However there is no way I am going to pay $125 for an unlined fleece cloak, no matter how cute it is. Yes, photos have been saved and sent to the Madwoman in the Attic, and I'm going to see how much wine velvet is in the stash. There should be at least 8 yards hiding in the basement; then I just have to decide on the lining fabric. Which, to be honest, the Madwoman probably has in *her* stash.

... ooooh, I could use my nice pewter Vlad Tzpesh buttons for that.

Like everyone I know, I am horrified and numb about the US election results. They came as a surprise to me; I know, I know, I should have been more cynical, but I honestly didn't expect so many people to be that malicious and stupid. The almost certain gutting of Social Security and Medicare (selfishly) freaks me out the most; not for myself (ha, no, I'm not looking that far ahead), but for Dad.

---

The nurse from the breast center and I are playing phone tag. The test results have landed in my MyChart account, but I want to go over them with a medical professional before I feel relieved or scared. Which is great in theory, but the Brain Raccoons are chittering loudly.

So, yeah. Numb, angry, scared. That's where I'm at. Oh, and yesterday I sob-sang along with "Famous Last Words" by MCR. THREAT LEVEL: BANDOM all the way.

- The biopsy went smoothly, yay lidocaine. Now I wait for the test results, which should be ready in 48 hours. I am busy telling myself that everything is fine, this is all due diligence. The Brain Raccoons are yammering loudly, because of course they are.

- Speaking of busy, today is the first day back at work in over a week. 180+ email messages, and everything in Slack is flagged as important. While I'm not thrilled about this, I appreciate the distraction. In part because I'm waiting for the test results, in part because ...

- US election day, oh G-D have mercy on us. I'm doing my damndest to stay off of social media, because that won't help anything and will drive me straight to crazytown.

- The new album by The Cure was released on Friday! It's very much a sequel, musically, to Disintegration (their best album ever). They played a three hour concert in the UK on release day which was live streamed and then posted to YouTube. It was glorious. Robert Smith has said they will be touring a LOT in the coming years, which is news I needed.

- Last night while rewatching Penny Dreadful (yes, I'm cycling through comfort media), I looked at the Jellycat website. (They make some of the best plushy bunnies out there.) I mentioned on social media that I knew I didn't NEED another bunny, but look at how cute this one is! The Stroppy One came downstairs and asked if I wanted another bunny. I said that I didn't need one. "I know you don't need one. I asked if you want one. You've been under a lot of stress, buy the damn bunny." So a new bunny is on their way; the Stroppy One says he's pretty sure he knows their. name, but won't tell me until he's met the bunny and knows for sure. New bunny!

- The work conference was good. Really good. I learned a LOT about localization and translation as a whole, and learned a bunch of buzzwords to use when I write up a proposal as to why our current website solution 1) isn't great, and 2) will absolutely fuck us when we try to create sites for our global customers. Yes, I am full of vindictive glee. However, if I never hear the word "ecosystem" in a tech industry context it will be too soon.

- I tried really hard to be careful about my physical limitations - the usual ones plus the additional "getting over an illness" ones, but I still came home exhausted. Part of it was the dual whammy of being on Prednisone AND being off my HRT. My sleep was sketchy at best.

- According to many young professionals at the conference, my fit is immaculate and my vibe is fierce. Yay, I'm hip with the kids! Or something.

- We had anniversary plans to get a window seat at one of our favorite restaurants and watch the community trick or treating. That didn't happen because by the time I got off the plane on Thursday I just couldn't function. We flopped on the couch and watched most of Agatha All Along instead.

- I liked Agatha All Along. It was fun, and I'm amazed how much witchcraft/Wicca background info Disney let through. Yes, most of it was slightly twisted to serve the narrative, but the foundations were still there. Also, "Death's Hand in Mine" was the standout episode of the whole show. Oh, and I'm earwormed with the song. I haven't stopped being earwormed with the song.

- THE NEW ALBUM BY THE CURE IS OUT AND IT IS AMAZING. It's essentially a sequel to Disintegration, their best album ever. They performed a 3 hour concert on the day of release that was live streamed and is now available on YouTube. Guess what I did yesterday.

- Monday is biopsy day. I'm nervous.

I need need NEED to remember that from now on, no matter how mild I think a cold is, the instant the mucus I'm coughing up changes color I need to go to a clinic and get checked out. Guess who did that yesterday and now has antibiotics, Prednisone, and Tessalon Pearls? That would be me.

I'm going to still be taking the Prednisone when I'm at the conference next week. Prednisone + mood swings from stopping my HRT? Oh, that's going to be fun. So fun.

In the past two days:

- Had my annual review. I was rated a solid "achieves", but didn't get the promotion I wanted. The promotion is apparently a "when", not an "if", and I got good feedback on how to get there. But because I carry the curse of ex- gifted kid perfectionism, I felt like I'd failed.

- Had therapy, which was good but HARD, and my homework is to have conversations with some of my close close friends around the fact that I am disabled and how I can work to accept that and treat myself with kindness. Ahahahahahaha.

- Went for my follow-up breast imaging, the upshot of which is I am going to be scheduled for a biopsy.
EDIT: I just had a call from my doctor, and she strongly suggests I stop my early menopause HRT until after the biopsy and results. "It's not THE MOST concerning results, but it is concerning, so I recommend you stop the hormones for now." Oh yay, more hot flashes and insane mood swings. With a side of increasing anxiety!

Oh, and did I mention that I spent last week fighting a bad cold? And that as soon as it let up, I had to go get my Covid booster because I get on a plane on Sunday? So I spent all weekend on the couch feeling awful. Miss Erzabet No Biting was pleased that I was there.

The final, and shallow, insult: I had enough spare budget to buy the pomegranate Heroine maxi dress from La Femme en Noir! But it turns out that the print is too orange for my tastes, so I will be returning it.

I am not the most perky of goths right now. EDIT: Hel-lo understatement.

This past weekend included going to a friend's birthday tea party. Part of the entertainment was getting to smash thrift store tea cups, which was SO CATHARTIC, omg. I wore my new dress made from pink chiffon with pink velvet bats and felt very cute. (Everyone loved the dress.)

Sooooo of course when I finally saw the video of me smashing things, the Body Image Demons started shrieking. Ugh. When I see other plus-size folks, I think they're gorgeous and amazing. Can I apply that lense to myself? Hah. This is part of the reason I'm in therapy again.

(Link to video on Twitter, as DW won't let me add a screencap.)

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body image demons

When real things happen to imaginary people

:: screams into the void ::

Home home home

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Some day I'll post about non-medical stuff

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I AM SCREAMING INSIDE MY HEART

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Tiiiiiiired

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Fun, but with included Body Image Demons

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