Today is pretty much all-around awful.
- The inauguration. I've been on media blackout today, for the sake of my fragile emotional state.
- Called the doctor because I've had a sinus headache for over a week, with varying levels of congestion and coughing. I have an appointment for Monday morning, because I should probably get it checked, and if I'm going to nag Dad about going to the doctor when he had an ongoing cough, I probably shouldn't be a hypocrite and not go myself, right? Right.
- One of my closest friends was laid off today after her company was sold. This is on top of a massive amount of other stress she's been dealing with, and I'm worried for and about her. (I love you, hon.)
And of course, today's date is a sad anniversary. Six years. I miss you, Mom.
You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. - The Sandman, Neil Gaiman
- The inauguration. I've been on media blackout today, for the sake of my fragile emotional state.
- Called the doctor because I've had a sinus headache for over a week, with varying levels of congestion and coughing. I have an appointment for Monday morning, because I should probably get it checked, and if I'm going to nag Dad about going to the doctor when he had an ongoing cough, I probably shouldn't be a hypocrite and not go myself, right? Right.
- One of my closest friends was laid off today after her company was sold. This is on top of a massive amount of other stress she's been dealing with, and I'm worried for and about her. (I love you, hon.)
And of course, today's date is a sad anniversary. Six years. I miss you, Mom.
You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. - The Sandman, Neil Gaiman
I keep writing things, then deleting them. Nothing I can say feels like enough.
Goodbye,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ethrosdemon. Thank you for the stories. Thank you especially for Bandpires, which has been a distracting comfort read during some awful times.
I can't believe you're gone. May you be at peace.
Goodbye,
ethrosdemon. Thank you for the stories. Thank you especially for Bandpires, which has been a distracting comfort read during some awful times.I can't believe you're gone. May you be at peace.
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If anyone reading this was ever a poster or lurker at b.org, go check in there, please. Our community has had a horrible loss.
serenada, wherever you are, I hope there are no more migraines, and you are gleefully kravving the hell out of something.
serenada, wherever you are, I hope there are no more migraines, and you are gleefully kravving the hell out of something.Tags:
I spent yesterday evening having the memorial tattoo for my mom inked.
Those are the keys to the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, which was her favorite place. That's her handwriting in the ribbon.
The Stroppy One created the design from my vague description and stick figure -quality sketch, and the tattoo was done by Joe Who at Pierced Hearts.
I miss her. I always will.
Those are the keys to the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, which was her favorite place. That's her handwriting in the ribbon.
The Stroppy One created the design from my vague description and stick figure -quality sketch, and the tattoo was done by Joe Who at Pierced Hearts.
I miss her. I always will.
Goodbye, Trinian. Now you will rule over your kingdom of Fuzzwumpia forever and ever. We miss you.
The remembrance altar I have set for the next few days. Flowers I saved from the ones people sent last year, a antique compact from my grandma, the key to the Haunted Mansion (my Mom’s favorite place on earth), bobbins from Mom’s sewing machine, photos of Mom and Grandma, and one of all three of us from my wedding.
I miss you, Mom and Grandma Vida.
Thank you, everyone, for helping me and Dad get through the past year.
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First, some exposition. My best friend throughout my childhood, from about age 9 onwards, was a boy named Jimmy. We were both geeky kids who read waaaaay more SF, fantasy, horror, and mythology than might have been good for us. We were inseparable for about five years, and then his parents moved to Portland.
Jimmy was crap at writing letters. He'd occasionally send a card for our birthday (I'm one year older, to the day), but that was about it. But he had this pattern where every three or five years, he'd turn up out of the blue at Mom & Dad's house, and I'd get to talk to him for a few minutes.
Jimmy now teaches Irish dance, is married, and has an 8 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. He was talking to his lovely wife about how my parents had influenced his parenting style, and decided to call them.
No, he didn't know about Mom.
He talked to Dad for a bit, got my number, and called me. It turns out that he had as an equally horrible 2011; his Mom passed away in August.
We're going to be staying in touch this time. It turns out both of us are much better at answering texts than anything else, so that's what we're doing. Sometime in the next few months, we're going to arrange meeting up, so I can finally meet his wife and kids.
I missed him. I'm glad he popped back up in my life.
Jimmy was crap at writing letters. He'd occasionally send a card for our birthday (I'm one year older, to the day), but that was about it. But he had this pattern where every three or five years, he'd turn up out of the blue at Mom & Dad's house, and I'd get to talk to him for a few minutes.
Jimmy now teaches Irish dance, is married, and has an 8 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. He was talking to his lovely wife about how my parents had influenced his parenting style, and decided to call them.
No, he didn't know about Mom.
He talked to Dad for a bit, got my number, and called me. It turns out that he had as an equally horrible 2011; his Mom passed away in August.
We're going to be staying in touch this time. It turns out both of us are much better at answering texts than anything else, so that's what we're doing. Sometime in the next few months, we're going to arrange meeting up, so I can finally meet his wife and kids.
I missed him. I'm glad he popped back up in my life.
Yesterday I was knocked flat by ... something. A flare-up of the Lyme and its co-bugs? I don't know. I spent all of yesterday on the couch, shivering under a heavy blanket, feeling woozy, achy, and unable to think.
Today I feel slightly better. I'm not under heavy blankets right now, I'm not as woozy or achy, and I don't feel as fuzzily vacant as I did. Of course, I made my classic mistake of thinking I'M BETTER NOW, did a bunch of stuff, and then went "Oh. Whoops. Flopping on couch now." But I feel like I have enough brain to work on job-hunt emails and the novel, so it's progress of a sort.
I'm not sure what brought on this bout of sickly, because it's not like I've been doing a lot of stuff. But![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
minim_calibre reminded me yesterday that hey, this is a month of really stressful emotions for me, which is probably causing this. Oh, right.
(Speaking of really stressful emotions, the off-and-on snow around here has been making me melancholy, because in the past snow meant a phone call from Mom, telling me to stop summoning the snow demons.)
What I really want right now is a butler, who will bring me tea, tasty gluten-free snacks, and perhaps laudanum. Why don't I have a butler, dammit?
Today I feel slightly better. I'm not under heavy blankets right now, I'm not as woozy or achy, and I don't feel as fuzzily vacant as I did. Of course, I made my classic mistake of thinking I'M BETTER NOW, did a bunch of stuff, and then went "Oh. Whoops. Flopping on couch now." But I feel like I have enough brain to work on job-hunt emails and the novel, so it's progress of a sort.
I'm not sure what brought on this bout of sickly, because it's not like I've been doing a lot of stuff. But
minim_calibre reminded me yesterday that hey, this is a month of really stressful emotions for me, which is probably causing this. Oh, right. (Speaking of really stressful emotions, the off-and-on snow around here has been making me melancholy, because in the past snow meant a phone call from Mom, telling me to stop summoning the snow demons.)
What I really want right now is a butler, who will bring me tea, tasty gluten-free snacks, and perhaps laudanum. Why don't I have a butler, dammit?
Tags:
- bleah,
- grief,
- mom,
- sickly,
- snow demons
It's been one year since I got the news that my Mom was in the ICU. I just finished burning the 2011 calendar.
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There are a lot of year-end memes out there, and I'm not doing ANY of them. 2011 was, with no hyperbole, the worst year of my life. Death, illness, unemployment, stress, and depression were the themes.
But there were some good things about 2011, too. I was able to spend more time with my loved ones, even the ones who don't live nearby. I went to Disneyland and the Tim Burton exhibit. I made a lot of progress on the fiction project I'm working on, and my agent is excited to see it.
But on the whole? I have never been more glad to see a year end. Next week, I am burning the 2011 calendar, because I really do need to see this year go up in flames. Literally.
May 2012 be kinder to us all. Much, MUCH kinder.
But there were some good things about 2011, too. I was able to spend more time with my loved ones, even the ones who don't live nearby. I went to Disneyland and the Tim Burton exhibit. I made a lot of progress on the fiction project I'm working on, and my agent is excited to see it.
But on the whole? I have never been more glad to see a year end. Next week, I am burning the 2011 calendar, because I really do need to see this year go up in flames. Literally.
May 2012 be kinder to us all. Much, MUCH kinder.
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So, the holiday season is going to be rough for me this year. In addition to the obvious pain of it being the first Christmas without Mom, there's the fact that things are tight this season. Plus we're not putting up the tree this year, as a decorated tree + two energetic and mischievous babycats = disaster and everything breaking. So, no tree.
But. I am doing everything I can to find my holiday cheer:
- Dad and I are going to keep our holiday tradition of the Father & Daughter shopping trip; we'll just be present-shopping for our other loved ones. (We always went shopping for Mom together, and it's been a tradition since I was five or six, I think.) It's an important thing for both of us, even if it will be emotionally-wrought for a while.
- On Saturday I went to Wight's Nursery with Thea and Eric. They are THE store of holiday decor around here, and have 31 different decorated holiday trees. Going to Wight's is kind of like mainlining Christmas decor and glitter into your brain, and going there always boosts my holiday spirit.
- Last night was the neighborhood Christmas caroling event at the park down from my house, put on by the local Salvation Army. While I DO NOT support their stance on a lot of issues (especially LGBT ones), the local group is full of nice people, and spending a cold, crisp evening singing carols (which I love) with my neighbors is fun. They make fresh donuts and hot cider, there are horse-drawn carriage rides, and the organizers are always genuinely happy to see me. One little girl looked at me (top hat, full skirts, red ringmaster jacket, stripy tights, glow-in-the-dark skeleton boots and gloves) and asked if I was from Halloweentown, which made my night.
- I spent today doing holiday baking. Two pans of marshmallows (rose and violet) are chilling in the 'fridge, there is a batch of Chex mix in the oven, and soon I will make the dough for the gingerbread bats.
So I'm slowly getting into a cheerier holiday state of mind. Soon will be the traditional watching of Nightmare Before Christmas, and the singing along to "Fairytale of New York", and those will help, too.
But. I am doing everything I can to find my holiday cheer:
- Dad and I are going to keep our holiday tradition of the Father & Daughter shopping trip; we'll just be present-shopping for our other loved ones. (We always went shopping for Mom together, and it's been a tradition since I was five or six, I think.) It's an important thing for both of us, even if it will be emotionally-wrought for a while.
- On Saturday I went to Wight's Nursery with Thea and Eric. They are THE store of holiday decor around here, and have 31 different decorated holiday trees. Going to Wight's is kind of like mainlining Christmas decor and glitter into your brain, and going there always boosts my holiday spirit.
- Last night was the neighborhood Christmas caroling event at the park down from my house, put on by the local Salvation Army. While I DO NOT support their stance on a lot of issues (especially LGBT ones), the local group is full of nice people, and spending a cold, crisp evening singing carols (which I love) with my neighbors is fun. They make fresh donuts and hot cider, there are horse-drawn carriage rides, and the organizers are always genuinely happy to see me. One little girl looked at me (top hat, full skirts, red ringmaster jacket, stripy tights, glow-in-the-dark skeleton boots and gloves) and asked if I was from Halloweentown, which made my night.
- I spent today doing holiday baking. Two pans of marshmallows (rose and violet) are chilling in the 'fridge, there is a batch of Chex mix in the oven, and soon I will make the dough for the gingerbread bats.
So I'm slowly getting into a cheerier holiday state of mind. Soon will be the traditional watching of Nightmare Before Christmas, and the singing along to "Fairytale of New York", and those will help, too.
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Hoo-boy. I feel I must mention that when I was 10, my mom went into the hospital with leukemia. As it turned out, the aggressive chemotherapy gave her 32 additional years. So, what would I tell my 10-year-old self?
- Things are going to be okay.
- Yes, helping out and trying to make everyone else feel happy and safe is good. Learn to take care of yourself, too.
- That one year you decide not to do any of your math homework? Don't do that.
- No, really. Things are going to be okay. There will be some really awful times, but it works out.
Hoo-boy. I feel I must mention that when I was 10, my mom went into the hospital with leukemia. As it turned out, the aggressive chemotherapy gave her 32 additional years. So, what would I tell my 10-year-old self?
- Things are going to be okay.
- Yes, helping out and trying to make everyone else feel happy and safe is good. Learn to take care of yourself, too.
- That one year you decide not to do any of your math homework? Don't do that.
- No, really. Things are going to be okay. There will be some really awful times, but it works out.
To be honest, today has SUCKED. Exhaustion, muscle aches, headache, and phone calls that needed to be made, but were unpleasant.
I devoutly hope tomorrow is better, and that the phone call that is happening tomorrow is VERY pleasant.
I devoutly hope tomorrow is better, and that the phone call that is happening tomorrow is VERY pleasant.
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