Unapologetic: Chasing My Writing Dreams Through BTS

I have a confession to make: The goal of meeting a Korean boy band (specifically multiple world record–breaking K-pop band BTS) is one of the main motivators for my writing career. I often present this truth as a joke, a lighthearted attempt at self-deprecation. Part of me is reluctant to write this piece because as we too often do to women who love things, I worry this paints me as an amateur at best and a crazy stalker at worst. I worry it will reflect poorly on my professional writing endeavors and ruin future opportunities. 

Except, why doesn’t the onus of proof apply to men (usually white) who love sports, tech, film, or literally anything? Instead they are considered experts in their fields, highly sought after for their specific knowledge base and lauded for their fierce focus. How many men got into their fields so that they could meet their heroes — and perhaps, one day surpass them? They are praised as visionary, goal-oriented, and determined. 

And so I make every effort not to cringe and to be proud of pursuing what I want without any apologies. I, too, am extremely goal-oriented. I, too, am singularly focused. I, too, am an expert in my chosen fields.

But first, some background. 

I didn’t know being a writer was a choice

I was meant to be a writer. 

Even as a child, I was always spinning stories in my mind, filling out the worlds of He-Man, She-Ra, The Dukes of Hazzard, Wonder Woman, or whatever else I was watching. I inserted myself in the narratives, seldom explaining my Asian American presence in such absurd worlds solely made up of attractive white people. When I got into boy band NKOTB, I spent a lot of time imagining how I could integrate myself into their world, despite being only a child. 

I whiled away countless hours watching TV and movies, reading books, and then spent the remaining hours daydreaming, occupying my mind as I walked home from school or drifted off to sleep.

At the time, writing was not really a viable career option — and not because of any stereotypical Asian American immigrant parent reason, although that likely played a part in it. It was more that when I was a kid growing up in the ’80s, there were really only three ways to be a writer: novelist (too hard), non-fiction author (boring), or a journalist (even more boring). 

But of course, the rise of the internet changed that. How could I have ever imagined that in the future, there would be millions of sites vying for our attention — and all of them requiring words?

An unexpected fall down the K-pop rabbit hole

And now, we take a brief detour. 

In January of 2018, the year I would turn 40, I was a stay-at-home parent with four young kids. Though I had received attention for my blogging about teaching my kids Chinese, I was still stuck in the phase of wanting to be more recognized for my writing. I even felt slightly resentful that I had somehow pigeonholed myself into the Chinese language writing space when what I really wanted was to be a featured writer at publications like HuffPo and Parents.

One day, I was busy searching for Mando-pop groups for my children to stan. Instead, I found the Chinese sub-unit of K-pop band EXO, and I was enthralled by their cool styling, their hip-hop dancing, and the super catchy track. These were not the cheesy Asian ballads of my youth. From there, the YouTube algorithm guided me to BTS, and slowly but surely, BTS took over my entire life. 

Over the next few months, I learned all their names, birthdays, and personalities. I watched countless music videos, interviews, and variety and music show appearances. I devoured reaction videos, fan-made info videos, streamed all their albums, and joined their subreddit. I paid a ridiculous amount for resale tickets to their concert in Oakland, uncertain if they would be popular enough to return to the U.S. and tour again. I even followed them on Twitter (now X). 

All my thoughts turned to BTS, and naturally, as one does when one really admires anyone, I wondered how I could feasibly meet them in person — and not only meet them, but have a meaningful conversation with them. 

I was realistic. 

For obvious reasons, I did not want to be a stalker. I did not want to be a groupie — and even if I did, I was too old and in the wrong country and industry to be a viable partner (assuming they could even look past my four small children and very-much-alive husband). I did not have the financial means (or desire) to pay thousands of dollars to buy multiple albums and perhaps win a fan meeting, which would also require me to fly to Korea. After all, even if it were financially feasible, it was a lot to ask of my husband to watch our kids (did I mention I homeschool them?) while he took time off from work while I tried to fulfill some ridiculous K-pop fantasy.  

BTS gave me “permission” to chase after my dreams

BTS’s music, artistry, message, and conduct have inspired me to take myself, my desires, and my ambitions seriously. I decided that if seven kids from Korea could be vulnerable and brave in their music and lyrics, then I could, too. By the fall of 2018, I had turned 40, drastically cut and dyed my hair into a candy-colored mohawk, bought K-pop–inspired clothes and accessories, and gotten multiple tattoos — all choices I had wanted to make, but was too afraid of what other people would say due to my age and being a mother. 

I had also joined Mochi Magazine as a staff writer, and somehow had inadvertently fallen into the role of Entertainment Editor. And then, after a few interviews with celebrities on behalf of Mochi, I realized that this was my in. Entertainment journalism was how I could feasibly, plausibly, and respectfully meet and converse with BTS. 

Since then, I have actively made choices to both increase my bylines as well as the perceived prestige of the publications to which I pitched. By no means has it been a straight line — and having an unexpected fifth child threw a curveball in my pursuits for sure. But, I still did a lot. 

I started a YouTube K-pop reaction channel and a BTS-related podcast. I was a guest on other K-pop–related podcasts, networked, and even published a novel set in the K-pop industry. I shot for a lot of opportunities that were outside my comfort zone. 

Now, it would be giving BTS too much credit to say that they are the only reason I am advancing my writing career. However, it is not too dramatic to say that these were goals and dreams I had wanted to achieve but had been too afraid to pursue — and the goal of meeting BTS gave me an external reason to strive. 

You may be wondering if I have actually been able to meet and interview BTS. Sadly, this is not that sort of neat and tidy article. The members of BTS only love me in general as a fan and not in particular as a person. They have yet to know me by my name — mostly because they’re in the military and not allowed much access to the internet. (Listen, that’s the only plausible reason — you’ll not convince me otherwise.) I’m not nearly a famous enough writer yet, and I often still feel like I’m too much. 

It’s a work in progress. But even if I never meet BTS, I regret nothing.

Cover Credits: Image by Erik Pendzich / Alamy Stock Photo
Graphic by Dani Kau