A Guide to Cross-Cultural Dating for Asian Americans
Dating can be hard and especially harder still in a diverse dating pool. Learn to prepare to engage in meaningful connections cross-culturally on first dates and beyond.
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Let’s face it: Dating can be a real challenge! For some, dating within their culture might be the safest bet, especially for those with traditional parents. However, for others, dating diversely allows them to branch out and meet their perfect match.
When dating apps were on the rise back in the 2010s, research found that Asian women got the most matches, whereas Asian men got the least. A more recent study conducted in 2024 found that Asian American women’s dating preferences — which historically favored white men — shifts towards men of color depending on factors such as levels of internalized racism, resistance, and empowerment. All in all, it’s clear that race plays a big role in how we connect with each other.
We talked to dating coaches about the basics of how to date people from a different race or background, prep for a first date, and build commonality while dating cross-culturally.
Why We Date Within Our Cultures
Aisen Li, a dating coach for Asian men, says that nearly all his clients date within their race because of their parents and upbringing.
“The truth is we live in America. [Unless] you live in a big city, or if you’re not in San Francisco, most of the people are not going to be Asian,” he emphasizes. “I’m in Texas, and right now, there’s a 5% Asian population. Why would I restrict myself to dating the 5% when there is another 95% that might be a better fit for me?”
Li grew up in the United States, having immigrated at the age of 9, not speaking any English. Like in many Asian families, he was not allowed to date and was focused on the traditional path of going to school, finding a job, and working hard. After graduating with an engineering degree and joining the workforce, he found that he struggled to talk to women and didn’t have the skills to overcome his introversion, leaving him lonely and lost. Knowing he had room to grow, he sought out a coach, watched YouTube videos, and read about dating. Through the process, he learned more about women, dating, and ultimately himself, which led him to want to support other Asian men in similar situations.
“Parents telling us that we’re not good enough. Parents criticize us more than they praise us,” he reflects. “[Because of that,] a lot of guys are great on paper, [but] they don’t feel that they’re good enough, so they limit themselves. That’s where I come in to help them realize who they really are.”
Although parents’ expectations can come into play in big ways, Joyce Zhang, a dating coach for high performers based in San Francisco, notes that the clients she works with will often share that they themselves want to “feel a shared sense of culture” or “to feel really seen,” leading them to think that dating within their race or culture is important. But the reality is that people from your own culture or within the broader Asian American umbrella can end up having different values and not be able to meet your needs.
“When we break [what it means to feel seen] down to other pieces, oftentimes you find that there are people of my same culture who actually do not really understand me, and there are other people of other [cultures] that actually really take the time to get me,” she explains. She leads her clients instead to ask themselves, “How [do] you want to feel … rather than assuming that this external characteristic correlates exactly with how you want to feel?”
Born in Shanghai, Zhang studied engineering and felt that she had to live up to her parent’s expectations when it came to her education and career. But after working at a fast-paced consulting firm, she found that helping friends and later clients build solid romantic relationships was a calling she does out of love for her sister, Jane, an early 20-something. Zhang says, “I want everything in the world to be better for her than it was for me.”
Having The Right Mindset Can Lead To Better Dating
It’s true that relationships are built on commonality — but simply finding common interests can be wayward advice. Li points out it is more important to look for shared values rather than superficial interests, like watching the same television show or having the same hobbies.
“Different races actually have similar values … It’s not skin color that defines the values [one holds],” Li advises. “Maybe someone from Africa [is] also family-oriented, respectful, and cares about education. These are the same values that someone of Asian descent might have as well.”
Knowing your values and who you are is an important place to start. From Zhang’s perspective, there are three common struggles in dating: 1. not knowing what you need from a relationship, 2. not believing that you will get your needs met, and 3. not having the tools to find the people who will meet your needs.
“Just observing my parents growing up, [dating] was hard for me,” she points out. “I don’t think the love I experience now with my partner [is one] I’ve really seen. I never really had that model as a child.”
Zhang’s advice for clients is to check in with themselves about their intentions before, during, and after the date.
Checking in before a date can include doing your hair in a way that makes you feel amazing, calling your best friend, or listening to a pre-game playlist that gets you in the mood to be your authentic self. Additionally, it’s always helpful to have mantras. Zhang shares a few she uses: “This only needs to work once, and this can be it. I like this person. This person likes me. We like each other until I’m proven otherwise.” Or “I’m just here to get really curious about this person and explore the universe that is in their body.”
Do not mistake knowing your values for mirroring that of your date or trying to impress them. Li points out that many men make the mistake of trying to be someone they are not. For instance, if paying the bill on a date is important, you can’t hide that.
He adds, “Eventually, it’s going to come out if you’re this way, if your dad’s this way, if your grandfather’s this way. Whenever she meets your family, she’s not going to like your family, so might as well be yourself and meet someone that actually truly aligns with your morals and values, rather than trying to pretend to be someone to appease another person on the first date and later find out that it’s not a good fit.”
While holding true to yourself can make it feel impossible to find a perfect match, that feeling can come from a scarcity mindset — yes, that generational trauma can even affect your dating life!
“If you come from a place of abundance, [in the world, there are] 8 billion people, and there’s got to be one or two that are similar to you,” Li affirms. “Never try to impress anyone on the first date. It’s all about being yourself. And if it works out, it works out — just have fun.”
Preparing For A First Date
Speaking of first dates, our dating coaches have diverging advice on whether to look up a person online or not. Li highly advises not looking someone up to figure out their background culture. Although you might want to get insight and create questions for conversation to arise, Li points out that it might “ruin the magic of the date” and can create a “false narrative” of who the person is based on stereotypes and assumptions.
“Going on a date, you should always have an open mindset … because you guys are there for the same reason: to find the connection, find love. And if it doesn’t work out, no feelings hurt,” he explains. “If you go into a date and you perceive [the other person] as different, you close off the opportunities or possibilities of you guys being together, and you’re hurting yourself in the end by not opening up your heart to them.”
Zhang reiterates that it is important to know what you want from someone. If you are seeking someone who will also look you up and try to understand your background or culture, then it is fair game. She says, “You don’t necessarily need to know everything about someone’s culture, but if you want someone to be curious about you, then I think showing up with that can help attract the people who are aligned with you in that way.”
Using herself as an example, she shares, “There are ways that I am very Asian, and when I thought about how I wanted my Asianness to come out with my future partner, I wanted them to be interested in and honor what I had to say about my culture. I wanted them to spend time in China with me at some point. I wanted them to maybe learn Mandarin as well because I would definitely speak it to my kids, and I probably don’t want them to be left out.”
Whether or not you decide to look your date up online, it’s important to move away from the facts that are found and more toward the feelings that those facts can bring up. For instance, your date might have a sister, and asking how they feel about that sister and their relationship can tell you a lot about them. “Getting a little bit deeper into why people are the way they are and how they feel about different things is key,” Zhang says.
Navigating First Date Faux Pas
So you are on a first date and totally put your foot in your mouth by saying the wrong thing. Everything was going so well until this moment! How do you reset so that you can continue to build on your connection?
In dating, you have to be ready to be vulnerable, to share who you are, and be willing to learn who they are — even if that means making mistakes. This means being ready to hear what your date has to say and listening the way you would with a friend you offended.
Zhang recalls a time when she said something problematic to a friend, and her immediate response was, “Tell me more about what’s going on here so that I can be better.” Acknowledging and appreciating the person for being willing to share and being curious about the underlying issue is the best way to move forward with friends and romantic interests.
Vice versa, you might get asked questions that are sensitive. “Where are you from?” has definitely become a triggering question for certain Asian Americans. While many Asians find the continued probing “Where are you really from?” to be a microaggression, it is important to realize that your date is not asking because they are insinuating that you do not belong here.
Li gets this question a lot but finds it does not faze him because he is from many different cultures and has lived in different countries. His advice would be to answer the question and ask about the intention behind the question.
When asked if he is Korean, Li usually probes and finds out that the person asking thinks that Korean men are handsome. “If someone assumes that I’m Korean and the reason for that is because they think I’m handsome and tall, and then I’ll be fine with that,” he admits.
“Growing up in Asian culture, we’re forced to be more limited in our mind since we are more cultural, more traditional, more constructive. So we tend to be more negative than positive,” he shares. “We see a stranger and think, ‘Hey, this person might hurt us,’ instead of saying, ‘This person might be the love of our lives’, or ‘This person might be a friend.’ That’s when we close ourselves to a lot of opportunities.”
Dating Cross-Culturally Is Not That Different
A lot of the advice shared here is good advice, even when dating someone of the same culture, race, and/or background. One of the most important aspects of dating is knowing yourself and starting from there. It’s not about being a perfect person but knowing yourself and who you hope to be with your partner in the future.
In her dating practice, Zhang shares that she is “more focused on helping people understand who is future you in this loving, beautiful lifetime love, and how you feel every day there.”
“If you can bring those experiences, those feelings, those thoughts now, then in the spirit of like attracts like, you will attract people who fit in that vision of who you want to be,” she continues. “Instead of: Do they have this resume? Did they say this thing? Did they pour me water? Did they open the door? [It’s more about] I feel respected, heard, seen, loved, valued, honored, and using your own inner feelings as the best picker for who belongs in your life.”
Even when dating other Asians, they might not be exactly from the same places or have the same experiences as you. Asian American is a broad umbrella term, and throwing family migration history into that and trying to find someone who comes from what your parents may claim is the “same background as you” is really hard.
Being in a cross-cultural relationship herself, Zhang finds that the one struggle is that her parents have many questions about her partner’s experiences, preferences, and awareness of their culture. On the other hand, cross-cultural dating for Zhang has led to “the greatest learnings in [her life]” because it is only from our differences that we broaden our worldview and gain new perspectives — a gift that keeps on giving in relationships.
Illustrations by Lisa Wakiyama
