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Peep That Shit is a tourist information board found on the internet in Grand Theft Auto IV. Their information can be found on their website www.peepthatshit.com.
Description
The site focuses on giving information to tourists within Liberty City, such as eateries, shopping locations, strip clubs and other places of interest. Its based on real-life travel guide website www.concierge.com.
Home
“There is no place quite like the Liberty City metropolitan area, and our murder rates prove it. From Algonquin to Dukes to Broker to Bohan, the vast urban sprawl of Liberty City offers a world of culture, opportunity and shopping experiences. Hell, we're even fond of Alderney, even if they are a different state. Defined by its cosmopolitan mix of homeless people and cultures, this is a thriving metropolis on a scale that makes everywhere else look flaccid by comparison. A city needs energy and a split personality... and Liberty City has both in abundance. Grit and glitz; edge and elegance; alliteration and agony - this is a city of contrasts where culture and diversity rub shoulders with crime and excess and stick their tongues down each other's throats in a drunken frenzy. Peep That Shit is the insider's guide to Liberty City. From the hot spots to the hidden treasures to the hipster bars where the wealthy dress like heroin addicts, we will take you beyond the bagels and shitty shows and expose you to what makes the capital of the world really tick.”
Hotels
The Matterhorn Luxury Apartments
Hotel Goering Liberty City
Pythagoras Apartments
The Big House Alderney City
The Abattoir Apartments
Bell Tower Apartments
Hospitals
Car Dealers
Bars & Restaurants
“Liberty City's restaurants serve up dishes from every corner of the globe and many of them have the hygiene practices of a Central American outhouse. Here are the top bar and restaurant picks! Voted by you, the reader, and edited based on advertiser revenue! Actually, that's a lie. They are chosen by us, based on who gives us the most free dinners or happy endings in the coatroom. We are about as impartial as Weazel News. Bribes, gifts, party favors - we are open to it all. Some cold, hard cash and we will forget about your filet mignon that has a glaze of rat feces. That's how restaurant reviews work. What do you care? If you knew how to cook you wouldn't be eating out all the time.”
Algonquin
Denver Avenue between Emerald Street and Feldspar Street, Little Italy, Algonquin.
“Liberty City's Little Italy neighborhood, nestled between Suffolk and City Hall, takes all the traditions of Italy and packs them into one place. If gluttony, violence and misogyny are your bag, come pay a visit. Please, no moronic mafia jokes. The mafia have all gone legit and are running defense companies and restaurant chains. Swallowed up by the surrounding areas over the years, all that remains of the once-legendary birthplace of the American mafia is a couple of streets with over-priced restaurants that charge $25 for a dollar's worth of spaghetti, pushy waiters who don't wash after wiping and tacky souvenir shops. However, there is still some good food to be found in Little Italy - and even the odd mobster, if you know where to look. With its exposed brick, wooden floors and checkered tablecloths, Drusilla's is a traditional, family-run Italian restaurant that has been serving up home-made pizza, pasta and salmonella tortellini for decades. So grab a tight sweater, light a cigarette, drive your girl to Drusilla's on the back of a scooter, and come suck down a few carafes of cheap red wine until you put your fist through her face for embarrassing you in front of your friends. Stupid bitch.”
Bismark Avenue between Ruby Street and Quartz Street, Lancaster, Algonquin.
Iron Street at Denver-Exeter Avenue, The Triangle, Algonquin.
“Founded by a handful of annoying Brits who realized Americans love to buy T-shirts for places where they've eaten chicken wings and gotten drunk, the Super Star Café is a famous chain of bar-restaurants that has spread around the world. Wherever there are merchandise-collecting tourists in the world, a Super Star Café will not be too far away. People love their Super Star t-shirts and wear them like a badge of honor when they get home, convinced that everybody will think that they are living on the edge, partying with the rich and famous. Liberty City boasts two of these theme restaurants with their swanky interiors, high ceilings, comfy chairs and split-level seating areas. If you like American comfort food, loud music and video games, expensive, watered-down drinks and being served by an overly-chatty failed actor, you should definitely check out the Super Star Café in Lancaster or The Triangle. If nothing else, they are great places to pick up drunken Europeans.”
Galveston Avenue and Hell Gate, Purgatory, Algonquin.
“Irish pubs are everywhere. It's amazing that there are any Irish left in Ireland. First they opened up bars throughout continental Europe so that the British could binge-drink when they went abroad without having to mix with the locals. Then they started their assault on America. The Americans love to claim distant Irish relatives from 11 generations ago so that they can get loaded like every day is St. Patrick's Day. These days you can go to the most remote Amazonian settlement and still find an Irish pub nestled between a Wigwam Burger and Bean Machine Coffee, with a bartender who has a horrible accent. Not that it's exactly difficult to open one. A wooden floor, some green paint, a few olde-world artifacts, a couple of shamrocks, a CD of depressing folk songs about murdering your family, some meaningless words in Gaelic, Blarney's on tap, a stupid name like Stinky O'Muff's and you're in business. If you want the real deal in Liberty City - a bar where people still punch first and ask questions second - you should check out Lucky Winkle's in Purgatory, a place that seems to have been on the corner of Galveston and Hell Gate since the dawn of time. Another of our favorites is the historic Steinway Beer Garden in Dukes, the perfect spot to hide from your probation officer for an afternoon. Get in there, get drunk and get into a fight. Make the Emerald Isle proud your ancestors left and never came back!”
— Irish Pubs
Broker
Bart Street at Mohawk Avenue, Hove Beach, Broker.
“You can't visit Liberty City and not go to a diner. The diner is an American icon, a place where people from all walks of life can gather together to order from a menu of 700 items, all frozen and waiting in the back to be deep fried in syrup or ketchup. If you are looking for an authentic, no-frills diner experience without all the faux-retro trash and gum under every table, go somewhere else. If, on the other hand, you are looking for a phony theme diner experience that is a superficial simulation of the real thing, then head to the 69th Street Diner in Broker's Hove Beach, a working-class (i.e. poor) neighborhood with a large Eastern European population. Bright lighting, plastic seats, bitter coffee, shit stains on the toilet and a bubbling undercurrent of hostility. What more could you ask for? How about food poisoning? Don't worry. It's more or less guaranteed. Forget the tip at your own peril.”
Mohawk Avenue between Bart Street and Crockett Street, Hove Beach, Broker.
“Comrades is a take-no-shit bar in Hove Beach, Broker's thriving - or kind-of thriving - Eastern European and Russian community. If you are looking for surly service and a good old-fashioned brawl, Comrades at Hove Beach is an intimate venue that promises both on most evenings. It's not quite the same now that you can't smoke in there but it's still a place where hard men drink hard liquor. Try to show no emotion when that shot of Cherenkov hits the stomach lining.”
Tutelo Ave & Broker Dukes Expressway, Beechwood City, Broker.
“A good bar should feel like home: warm and damp like a communal bathtub. And the Homebrew Café is like home - familiar, but lonely and full of angry people you have to pretend to like in order to avoid a fight. If you don't mind your beer served slowly and with some serious attitude, Broker's Homebrew Café will transport you straight from Liberty City to the heart of Jamaica. Much of the beer is made in a real home bathtub. Anyone who finds a pubic hair in their lager gets a free shot. Don't expect 5-star treatment at this no-frills hangout in Beechwood City, but it is definitely a fun place to get fucked up, play some pool, chase a chubby, drink some Pride Brew and eat some curried goat. Enjoy.”
Dukes
Yorktown Avenue at Morris Street, Steinway, Dukes.
“Irish pubs are everywhere. It's amazing that there are any Irish left in Ireland. First they opened up bars throughout continental Europe so that the British could binge-drink when they went abroad without having to mix with the locals. Then they started their assault on America. The Americans love to claim distant Irish relatives from 11 generations ago so that they can get loaded like every day is St. Patrick's Day. These days you can go to the most remote Amazonian settlement and still find an Irish pub nestled between a Wigwam Burger and Bean Machine Coffee, with a bartender who has a horrible accent. Not that it's exactly difficult to open one. A wooden floor, some green paint, a few olde-world artifacts, a couple of shamrocks, a CD of depressing folk songs about murdering your family, some meaningless words in Gaelic, Blarney's on tap, a stupid name like Stinky O'Muff's and you're in business. If you want the real deal in Liberty City - a bar where people still punch first and ask questions second - you should check out Lucky Winkle's in Purgatory, a place that seems to have been on the corner of Galveston and Hell Gate since the dawn of time. Another of our favorites is the historic Steinway Beer Garden in Dukes, the perfect spot to hide from your probation officer for an afternoon. Get in there, get drunk and get into a fight. Make the Emerald Isle proud your ancestors left and never came back!”
— Irish Pubs
Alderney
Boyden Avenue at Hubbard Avenue, Alderney City, Alderney.
“Are you ready to do some Seoul searching‘? Known for its exotic ingredients, tyrannical owner and mystery meat surprises, Mr. Fuk's Rice Box is a bustling, cavernous restaurant on two floors in Alderney City's vibrant Korean area. When we say 'vibrant', we mean overcrowded, infested shit heap. Our best advice for an enjoyable meal at Mr. Fuk's is not to ask too many questions and don't look into the kitchen, you won't like what you see. Roasted intestines, pig feet, coagulated ox blood, live octopus... these are people on the edge who will eat anything if you tell them that it is an aphrodisiac. Just watch out for those squirming tentacles on the way down - the Heimlich maneuver isn't going to do shit if you get a sucker clamped to your esophagus. Please bear in mind that kimchi is to Koreans as fries are to Americans - they have it with EVERY meal. If fermented, florescent cabbage is your thing, give Mr. Fuk's Rice Box a try. Korean barbeques introduced the West to a whole new concept: paying to cook your own food! You'll feel very full, slightly ill and then starving hungry again - all within a 20-minute period. Well worth a visit.”
Other
“Other places worth a look but less forth-coming with advertising revenue:”
Nightlife & Entertainment
“All work and no play makes you a dull boy, unless you're a girl. Or a boy who used to be a girl. In a city where you can get a transvestite to your door quicker than a police officer, there is a lot of fun to be had. After dark, the party animals come out to play in Liberty City. Find a friend on craplist, invite them over, and find out how the city really shames itself with anonymous depravity. From lighthearted entertainment to outright debauchery, Liberty City's nightlife has something for everyone.”
Comedy
Frankfort Avenue and Jade Street, Star Junction, Algonquin.
“If you need a little humor and a lot of drinks in your life, Split Sides at Star Junction in Algonquin is the perfect place to unwind and laugh till you shit yourself. Grab a table, order some drinks and get ready with your best drunken heckles as the hottest international stand-up comedians like Ricky Gervais, Gaylord Menzies, J. Jones, John "Not Funny" Johns and Katt Williams have been known to pop by. It's the stage that has propelled many a rebellious star into syndicated family sitcoms, then rehab. Laugh at them or with them - it's up to you.”
Tulsa Street between Mohawk Avenue and Oneida Avenue, Hove Beach, Broker.
“For something a little different, why not check out Perestroika at Hove Beach? A gem in the heart of Broker's Russian community, Perestroika is an old-school supper club and cabaret where all sorts of weird and wonderful acts take to the stage for your viewing pleasure.”
Strip Clubs
“Love a lap dance? Like to make strippers cry when you say "who's your daddy?" and she responds that her daddy was a little handsy and that's why she's grinding you for a fiver? Nothing makes you feel more like a man than having women perform for a few dollars. If you are looking to let off more than just steam, what better way to finish the evening than an awkward encounter with a desperate, naked stranger? These days, strip clubs are not just for frat boys and men in the depths of a mid-life crisis. It's a leisure activity. Whether you are looking to get addled, straddled or paddled, Liberty City's strip clubs cater to every taste and perversion. Here are a few of our favorite dens of iniquity:”
— Strip Clubs
Honkers * Critics Choice *
Tinderbox Road between Phalanx Road and Julin Avenue, Tudor, Alderney.
The Triangle Club * Critics Choice *
Drill Street at Coxsack Avenue, Northern Gardens, Bohan.
Purgatory, Algonquin.
Theaters
Banging Trash Can Lids for an Hour
“The critics are baffled. It's not dance and it's not music. It's a group of failed ballet dancers jumping around the stage with a load of household junk and making shitty percussion that will give you a raging migraine. Pay $150 to watch people hammering a bucket with a spatula or smacking a frying pan with a broomstick for an hour.”
Fairy Body Paint
“Some call it entertainment: others call it performance nonsense. Either way, kids can't seem to get enough of naked men covered in body paint and glitter. Through experimental electronica and the medium of mime, Fairy Body Paint teaches us about male bonding and the futility of human existence, especially when la male nymphs are interlocking their painted naked bodies to form household furniture. Your son is never too young to get into musical theater and this show will raise all sorts of important questions.”
Maginot Theater
WTF - A Tale of Online Love
“This show will totally PWN you! Set in cyberspace and featuring two dorks, an underage girl and a lonely pervert from Minneapolis, ‘WTF - A Tale of Online Love‘ is a ROFL comedy for a new generation of pasty theater-goers who have no idea how to function socially outside of an internet chat room. L33T!!!! Rated 2.0 out of 10, but reviewers don't know anything about our generation of connected social networks, MAN!”
The Wind From Below
“You can't see wind, but you can feel it, especially in this show that takes wind to a whole new level. Feel the interactive vibe of a theater performance where the cast cuts wind in the face of the audience. The Wind From Below reminds us that comedy does not have to be subtle or clever or funny. Sometimes a bald man getting a real ripper unleashed on his face is all you need. The acoustics at the Maginot Theater are perfect for a show that is about cutting loose and having a good-ass time. Until you've seen 100 people honking their butt trumpets in unison at strangers, you haven't experienced entertainment. It's a blast!”
Magic Curtain Theater
“If you think clowns and furries are creepy, puppeteers take it to a whole new level. There is something fundamentally wrong, yet exciting, about a grown man talking to kids in a squeaky voice with his hand up the ass of a genderless toy. Unbelievable special effects, double-jointed actors and an imaginative range of anatomically-absurd glove puppets combine to create a show for the whole family that is both stimulating and disturbing. Come with an open mind. Leave with the image of puppet families engaged in fuzzy drug-addled partner swapping burned into your brain forever.”
“Get ready for lots of men and women running around in feathers and tutus to powerful orchestral accompaniment. The Gulls is a story about prejudice that has a strong environmental message and some freaky mid-air sex scenes. After a prince falls in love with a seagull queen, a great war breaks out. Man releases oil slicks and industrial waste into the oceans; the seagulls rip open trash bags, steal bites from sandwiches and shit on the audience. Will inter-species love prevail?”
“This play introduces us to a young Shakespeare who is crippled with writer's block and eats a facefull of LSD to counteract it. He is about to stab himself in the heart when the Queen arrives dressed as a commoner, rips the knife from his hand, makes a speech with cryptic sexual allusions that must have been witty 400 years ago but make no sense now, throws it into the fire and then teaches him how to smoke hash through a wine bottle. Gradually, we witness Shakespeare's creative awakening through mind-expanding narcotics as he begins working late into the night, playing a lute, filling pages with paranoid ramblings about ghosts, floating daggers, witches and elves while munching incessantly on chocolate and candy.”
The Flying Whore
“ls it a bird? ls it a plane? No, it's every man's dream - a flying whore! Fantasies come true with a woman who can levitate above you - up and down, side to side. The Flying Whore is a tragicomic play about a woman who has the ability to fly to the moon but who makes her money down on the streets. You've heard the story of the boy who will never grow up. Now, it's time for the story of the hot college girl who will always go down. Watch as she swoops across the stage in search of her next trick. Enjoy the spectacular special effects as she gives a blow-job to a local politician while hovering at waist height. We don't want to give too much away, but the scene where she shoots things out of herself at the police helicopter is nothing short of amazing.”
“Ready for some pathos? Overwhelming pessimism is the order of the day in Abandon Shit, a serious drama that is seriously up its own ass. Tangled sub-plots, angst-ridden monologues and over-acted dream sequences show us that life is painful, happiness is impossible and death is inevitable and that you will be left to decompose like a pile of abandoned shit. As the protagonist tells us at the end while tearing out her hair in a pool of menstrual blood, "Before you can love, you have to learn to hate". Nobody actually enjoys this crap but it impresses people at dinner parties.”
“Critics are calling this one a ‘real one eye-opener'. A new musical by the Liberty City Amateur Dramatic Society, Raincoat Exposé deals with the trials and tribulations of a misunderstood, middle-aged flasher who prowls around parks and schoolyards asking people to look at his junk. Will the local community ever come to view him as a lonely exhibitionist rather than a sexual predator? Lots of great songs in this one.”
Soak In The Sights
“Liberty City is jam-packed with breathtaking sights, iconic images, drive-by shootings, and historical landmarks at every turn. Here are some of the things not to be missed:”
“Spend a day in Liberty City and you will discover that you are a lot more normal than you thought. People here are nicer than you would expect. If you get hit by a car or get shot, people will come to your aid, often after checking your pockets. There is no better place for people watching. At best, it is an eclectic mix; at worst, a freak show. The streets are a carnival of the bizarre and there are arguably more lunatics per block than anywhere else in the world. You will never find more people externalizing their internal dialogue than in Liberty City. You think you have seen it all and then you round a corner to see a 100lb man dressed as a baby or a naked senior citizen riding a unicycle. Keep your camera phone at the ready.”
“The Statue of Happiness is perhaps the definitive symbol of the American dream, even though it was a gift from the French. Lady Happiness was presented to the USA by France in 1886 as a symbol of joy to mark 100 years of being free from British food and spelling. Take a boat out to Happiness Island to see the statue close up, look up her skirt, and imagine how warm it must be in freedom's vagina.”
Some Hidden Gems
“Check out the deserted casino in Westdyke at the northern tip of Alderney”
“Explore the small church and cemetery in Algonquin's trendy Suffolk neighborhood. This is an endangered landmark - they want to knock it down and build condos.”
“ Have some fun taunting sexually-frustrated men in orange suits at the Alderney State Correctional Facility in Acter Industrial Park.”
“For a surprisingly beautiful and tranquil shoreline, head to the beach at the tip of Northern Gardens in Bohan.”
“Head over to the lighthouse and cemetery at the northern end of Colony Island. A peaceful spot with beautiful views.”
“Take a stroll around the historic Broker Navy Yard in East Hook Bay.”
Algonquin
“The neon-lit chaos of Star Junction is the beating heart of Algonquin You can join the hordes of tourists staring at soft-porn advertising on gigantic video screens, watch a stream of meaningless stock numbers revolve around the BAWSAQ building, pay $250 for a horrible show, or do some celebrity-spotting outside the meTV studios.”
“If you need to take refuge from the relentless hustle and bustle, there is no better place to strike up conversation with a weirdo than Middle Park, the lungs of Liberty City. For many Libertonians, Middle Park is the closest they ever get to a real rapist. Take a stroll around the lake or relax at the cafe in the fountain plaza. And for lonely men denying the inevitable, visit the bathrooms where a few taps of the foot and a nice wide stance will make you a new friend.”
“The tallest building in Liberty City, the Rotterdam Tower with its distinctive spire, is an American icon, which is why it's America's favorite place to end it all. Go up to the viewing platform at the top-floor observatory, take in spectacular panoramic views of the city, leave a note about how awful your life is, then jump.”
“The Civilization Committee is a largely inefficient organization where representatives from nations around the world are supposed to decide on the best course of action in the event of an international conflict. In reality, they talk a lot, do very little, don't pay their traffic tickets, and eat amazing meals while half the world is dying of disease and starvation. Great work, guys. Wisely ignored by the U.S. administration in any case, this is more of a nice spot to take some photos by the Humboldt River River than anything of political significance.”
“Grand Easton Terminal, with its famous vaulted ceiling, is one of the busiest train stations in the world and is widely considered to be a wonder of Beaux-Arts architecture. Buy a ticket, have a seat, and remember the freedom of decades past where you could smoke a cigarette or score some drugs in a train station bathroom and it wasn't on the friggin' evening news.”
Bohan
Broker
“At the southern tip of Broker lies Firefly Island's historic boardwalk and amusement park. Arguably 100 years past its prime, a trip to Firefly Island still makes for a fun afternoon by the sea, especially when a dead fish washes up. What could be more of an adrenaline rush than riding a rickety old wooden roller-coaster?! Make a beeline for the Screamer, the Parachute Jump or the Liberty Eye.”
Dukes
Alderney
Shop Till You Drop
“Liberty City is the fashion capital of the United States. Why? Because it's the home of stupid money and people who can spend $18,000 on cufflinks. But there are clothing stores to suit every budget. Nothing screams that you've made it quite like a designer label, and a visit to Perseus in Middle Park East will have you looking like a player in no time. If Didier Sachs and Gutter & Blood are not your thing, shops down at Hove Beach in Broker can kit you out in itchy polyester for less than the cost of a round of drinks. Going to Liberty City and not shopping would be like going to Australia and not crying. Where else can you buy a fake Enema handbag on the street that is better than the original? Where else can you spot stores that have had a 'going out of business' sale for the last 15 years? Where else can you see so many 24-hour delis with 24 year-old cold cuts? Most of the tourists head straight for the Spenders department store in The Triangle but there are lots of other places where you can engage in a bit of retail therapy:”
Skate
Electronics
Sports & Activities
“Now that there are sports that you can participate in while sitting with a cigar and martini in your hand, why not visit the sports centers in LC? It is impossible to get bored in Liberty City, unless you're a religious freak, and then it's a pretty boring place. Once you have had your fill of sightseeing, eating and drinking, there is a wealth of other fun activities available to help you work off that last Heartstopper from Burger Shot.”
Sports
“The best sports are those that require no fitness whatsoever. Challenge one of the locals to a game of darts, hustle somebody on the pool table and get in a knife fight, or if you don't mind sharing sweaty footwear with strangers, show off your ten-pin bowling skills at Memory Lanes.”
Memory Lanes at Golden Pier
Westminster, Algonquin.
Memory Lanes at Firefly Island
Broker.
Dating
“If you think Liberty City is a war zone, you should check out the dating scene. People in Liberty City date a lot, or at least that's what they tell you. Nowadays, drinking and stalking are not the only ways to meet someone of the opposite sex - online dating is the future. You don't have to worry about fluffing your pick-up lines, you can be generous with the truth and photo-editing can really broaden your options. It's a gamble; you might get killed but you might also find the love of your life. Love-Meet.net is a premium Liberty City dating service with a database full of desperate people looking for hand jobs, domestic violence, and romance. Desperation and anonymity are powerful aphrodisiacs. Real perverts like to use Craplist to meet society's worst dregs for no-holds-barred smut.”
Museums
“After a night spent spanking a lap dancer in a seedy nightclub, you can feel better about yourself by taking your walk of shame into one of Liberty City's many museums:”
Randolf Art Center
Galveston Avenue between Obsidian Street and Nickel Street, Middle Park West, Algonquin
Current Exhibits:
“Philips Van Der Philip is the Dutch ‘aesthetic minimalist', who creates paintings that look as little like the subject matter as possible. Critics say that Van Der Philip has exposed the gap between subject and object like no one else before.”
“Adam Biggs is the world-renowned ‘abstract literalist' who painted nothing but circles during the 1950's and 60's.”
National Union of Contemporary Arts - NUCA
Dukes Boulevard at Bunker Hill Avenue, East Island City, Dukes
Current Exhibits:
“Bao is an incredible and original Chinese artist who paints with pandas. More specifically, he sings and shouts at pandas until they do the painting for him.”
“Simon & Nigel are two middle-aged British homosexuals who take photographs of themselves reenacting famous atrocities in history, dressed as gorillas.”
Libertonian Museum
Columbus Avenue opposite Pyrite Street, Middle Park, Algonquin
Current Exhibits:
NOTE: CLOSED FOR RENOVATION
“History, Heraldry, Egypt, Dinosaurs”
Gallery
Soak In The Sights home page.
Hospitals