Victory (c) Microsoft
I recovered my Achilles’ heel – the final piece to the puzzle that explains my freak out whenever I see a splinter, my aversion to silence, and my need to use the bathroom immediately before bed, even if I just went five minutes before. With the recovery of this memory, I have fully reclaimed myself – Hallelujah!
***** trigger warning *****
I have already written about the first three parts of this memory. Part 1 is about being buried alive, and Part 2 is about being buried alive with my sister’s “corpse.” Part 3 was about being forced to “kill” my sister, which happened immediately before being put into the box. What I recovered this morning is Part 4.
To weave it all together, I was told that it was time for my sister to die and that I had to be the one to kill her. My entire life was about doing all sorts of vile things to keep her safe. Her death was not an option.
They put something (a rag??) in my hands and told me to smother her with it. I touched her face as lightly as I could, but she “died,” anyhow. My guess is that the rag had ether or equivalent on it to knock her out. They told me that she was dead.
Next I was brought to the “burial site” by the large box I have already described. They made a dramatic entrance with my sister’s limp body in someone’s arms. They placed her into the box and then said that because I was a “bad girl” and killed my sister, I would be buried with her. They made me get into the box and then buried us.
Whether or not I was ever actually buried is another story. That box was HUGE, and I seriously doubt they dug a hole that deep. However, I **believed** that we were buried, which is what is relevant to processing the trauma.
I was frightened but resigned to die. My reason for living was lying “dead” beside me, so I was ready to die as well. I shut down. Then, after a period of time, my sister “came back to life.” The air in the box was already warm, and I feared that my sister might suffocate, so I tried to break out of the box. I always obeyed the rule not to show emotion, but I gave it all I had. I screamed, hit, and clawed the box, desperately trying to get out. That’s how I got the splinters, which were a tangible reminder later that this event really happened, which is why they were always so triggering to me.
Once my sister was fully awake, she joined in trying to escape from the box. No matter how hard we tried or how loudly we screamed, we were trapped, and the more we screamed and moved around, the hotter it got in the box. This is why my sister freaks out unless she has air flowing onto her at all times. She keeps a fan everywhere she goes.
We eventually gave up after a long period of time, and then it was completely silent except for the sounds of our breathing. That’s why silence freaks me out – I always have to have white noise going in the background. We laid there a very long time, so long that I lost control of my bladder – hence the need to use the bathroom immediately before bed every night.
The wait went on and on and on and on and on. I have no concept of time in my memory, but it felt like hours. We were eventually released from the box into the cold night, and somebody gave me a blanket. The kindness of the blanket after the cruelty of the box messed with my head even more.
So, that’s the end of the “old me” story. I am relieved to have finally reclaimed this part of myself so I can heal it.
I sobbed heavily after “reliving” this memory this morning. I played Contemporary Christian music the entire time and couldn’t even get out a “help” in prayer because I was so distraught. I felt God all around me, telling me that this didn’t break me because He wouldn’t let it.
I have nothing left to fear. All of the traumatic memories have been recovered, and I survived! I survived the abuse, and I survived the memories. I know that I have a “fun” couple of weeks ahead of me as I process the emotions, but I WON! I won the war against my abusers and within myself. It might take me a while to recover from this last battle, but the war is won. I am a new creation, and my past no longer has power over me. Praise God!
Photo credit: Microsoft
Blooming Lotus 
I cannot put the joy I feel into words. I. AM. FREE!!!!!
I am so glad! You have been such a support to me through your writing.
Thank you so much for sharing. It is so amazing to read about God in your life. And it is so great to read about how you are processing your emotions. I have been slowly learning that crying and feeling pushed down negative feelings about trauma are important to moving on and healing, despite the messages I’ve been receiving from my family that they are not.
Good luck on you “fun” couple of weeks of feeling the feelings that come from such heinous, horrible, ridiculously terrible thing that was done to you and your sister. I believe it was allowed to happen to you to use as a testament against your abusers. They will have to face the consequences of their heinous crimes. “It had been abetter for them that a millstone had been hanged about their necks, and they drowned in the depth of the sea.”
I pray your husband will hold you and buy you chocolates to see you through 🙂
Your healing is such a big deal. Who can claim that God does not live, when you are joyous!! Such a miracle. You are loved, Faith. 🙂
Congratulations! I’ve been following your blog for a long time. Reading all the things you went through and not hearing from you for a while (especially, when you wrote that you didn’t want to be an active bogger here anymore) made a bit anxious. I didn’t feel that it was it. Something was missing. But nothing is missing now:). You’ve shown that there is always hope. Thank you for sharing and bless you.
Thank you all. :0)
~ Faith
I’m so glad you started blogging again, and it’s so good to hear you getting through the worst of it
The lies and tricks do so much damage – there is such power in seeing it all again but with adult eyes!
I am so happy for you, and very glad that you have your beliefs to help you; while that’s not possible for all of us, when it is it’s a beautiful thing. I hope that the future brings you every happiness.
didisreal i agree with you.. glad you starting blogging again.. and that the lies and tricks are disgusting…
A friend of mine was told she was going to be buried and she was shown the whole in the woods. She was horribly used sexually with witch-craft elements, taken to a hospital room with a lot of adults holding while amateur Electro shock was given to her skull… obviously to eraze her memories of abuse. Sold to a neighbouring farmer for sex at 7. I had similar stuff of depravation so they create altered state and you were (apparently) more useful as a conduit for their summoning shite. Me and my sister ( 5 years apart ) went thru this together ./ Told to stand in middle of room. Can’t move, sit or have water or use toilet while the adults amused themselves like they are having a party around you, drinking and eating and laughing like you didn’t exist… you know the drill. It is very shaming, debasing and then came the worst part…
Thanks just had to write that… much love to the inocent children ❤
regarding classic depravation: the main one i forgot to meantion is SLEEP – made to stand… and not sleep… it is very painful especially trying to hold your urine inside your body – as the last thing you want is to attract any attention to your privates !! oh god… i have much peace now… my sis and I have a super honest and warm relationship.
I experience chronic pain and recently allowed to start medication, i noticed that or could distinguish that i had psychological pain that created physical pain. When you can dial the pain down, using the medication, i learnt more about my body and connecting with it. I also did a chronic pain workshop 3 days and learning about pacing activity and the impotance of using it or losing it. I am definitely reclaiming my body. Even little cell and nerve fibre is learning that i accept and love it. When ‘we’ discociate, it is important to tell yourself that every part of you is acceptable and lovable and not to be afraid of any hidden parts. the more you invite them to be conscious, and tell them that you will listen to and consider them and that they are safe. I am a bit upset typing this and i am having problems remembering to spell and being a school teacher i know i can spell… so i accept that my spelling is bad. I hope my words bring you some interest and permission to love every cell of you xo
i’m loving your sense of confidence that (while there’ll be some processing to do) your journey is finally resolved. i don’t want to spoil that, but would desperately love to know, how do you know? do you ‘feel’ it finishing ie physically or emotionally? is it a brain/cognitive process -maybe your head feels clearer? i think the american model of therapy (psychs supporting victims through the process for years of therapy, helping them recover/process memories) isn’t one most of us have access to, and i don’t think i’d ever get to, let alone want, to go through that process.
what i want is to have those memories i do have (the actual memories, the body memories, the ‘shadows’ and fragments of memories, etc) not to keep insinuating themselves into my life. and more importantly, for the (normally repressed) emotions to keep taking over, meaning that formerly neutral stimulus -when i’ve had a flashback- then become forever charged as triggers.
i know you’ve moved on, faith, and *thankyou* for sharing your journey. i’m not expecting you to answer, but hopefully the universe, somehow, will.
Hi, Turq.
My sister asked me the same question. One reason is that I felt God put on my heart that I am finished. Another reason is that there are no unanswered questions: Why do splinters trigger me?, etc. I am feeling much more present than I ever have. I also feel “lighter.” It takes an enormous amount of energy to keep your memories repressed and your parts separate. It feels like I have finally put my arms down after holding them up for decades.
The other big difference is my dreams. For decades, my dreams have been filled with violence. Now I actually have pleasant dreams. :0)
~ Faith
So glad, Faith for the completion of this leg of your journey and for the joy you are experiencing. So glad you were able to break into a place of faith. I don’t want to trigger anyone, so I will just say reforming my faith is the last part of my healing. I’d love to email with you about what brought you through, but I don’t want to create a big discussion here.
One thing I am experiencing even as I work to reclaim a faith that resonates for my heart versus is what I’ve been told must be, it a freedom from fear. It’s really quite amazing after living in complete fear my entire life. It’s the little things that strike me as wonderful. I realized the pervasive fear was gone in a single moment one day. I was making a left hand turn across traffic and simply made the turn. AS I did a feeling of elation filled me and I realized I had not had any fear in making a lefthand turn. all my life, every action had the potential of being wrong with horrible repercussions. But with that silly, simple lefthand turn, I realized that fear was gone…forever. That was probably a year ago and I’ve lived in a bit of wonder at the abscence of the pervasive fear ever since. I’m so very thankful.
Just one more thing hanging on…I can tell I won’t be done until that one thing is worked through.
I’ve missed you Faith. And am rejoicing for you.
Getting the answers to your questions is so huge in healing. No more guessing. I am still partly amnesic, but I don’t really have any questions. I know enough about what went on that I am OK with what I do and don’t know.
I am glad that you have a sense of fully reclaming yourself. 🙂
Happy for you Faith. So glad you are doing well.
mia
faith, thank you for being so brave to write and keep this blog public! I am new into my journey of recovery and self-discovery. I am still dealing with a lot of denial about my history and current involvement with the family.
I found your site through Fort Refuge and I cannot tell you how much your blog has helped me. There have been so many unanswered questions and of course you know how little info there is online about this. I just want to say that your posts about masturbation, healthy relationships, and animal rape was very powerful and helpful in my journey. Thank you so much for being brave. I wish I could go into more detail but just reading about how similar your experiences and how you reacted to them were to me, has helped me to be able to see more truths. Fragments have been found and put back in place for me because I was able to read your blog.
It makes me feel so much more hopeful for my future and how the DID will progress. There is all kinds of info out there about the negative sides of DID and how things unfold, but for someone who is newly uncovering these memories the thought of the future can be daunting. Thank you for showing us that you dont have to feel all that shame and it is alright to get it out there, for showing us that you can still have a worth-while life that still has joy.
Good luck with everything in the future and I will be happy to hear more!