I frequently see people struggle with the fact that their bodies reacted to a rape or other form of sexual abuse by having an orgasm. People wrestle with whether the sexual abuse could have been “that bad” if they had an orgasm during it. Also, some people who first began having orgasms during sexual abuse as young children question whether this means that they were some sort of “bad seed” who brought the sexual abuse on themselves.
It is actually quite common for a person’s body to react to sexual abuse or rape with an orgasm. This does not mean that you wanted the sexual contact or that you enjoyed it. This is simply an indicator that your body was working the way it was designed to work.
Human beings are born into the world wired to respond to sexual contact. Baby boys often get erections during a diaper change, even without any unnecessary contact involved in the cleaning process. Young children frequently touch their “private” areas, not to achieve orgasm like post-pubescent people do but just because it feels good.
When a child’s body is stimulated through sexual contact, it will sometimes react to that stimulation by having an orgasm. This does not mean that the sexual contact was welcome.
The child’s reaction to having a “good” feeling in the midst of bad feelings can be very confusing to the child. The child does not feel the same sense of pleasure and relaxation afterward as an adult does after consensual sex. Instead, the child is left with conflicting emotions. Some people wind up hating their own bodies for betraying them by reacting to sexual abuse with an orgasm.
This can lead into issues in adulthood. A person who had orgasms as a child while being sexually abused can confuse orgasms with abuse, so when they enter into a consensual sexual relationship, they have confused feelings when they have orgasms. They might wind up hating themselves when they climax but then also hating themselves when they don’t, which causes any sexual interaction to become very stressful for them. It can be challenging for an adult survivor of sexual abuse to separate out a “good” orgasm from a “bad” one.
Related Topic:
Trauma Tuesday: Sexual Aggression in the Sexually Abused Child
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
+++++ Trigger warning for the comments +++++
Some of the comments contain triggering comments. I cannot figure out how to add a trigger warning to them, and I don’t want to remove them and “silence” the people posting the comments. If you are in a bad place, please use caution in reading the comments. – Faith
Blooming Lotus 
so confused about what you say. It feels good, but is bad? I liked it, i kept going back, i liked it. is that is wrong. i was bad and went back. She told me not to go, but he would hold me and it felt good.
Hello friends,
I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I was going through a rough time in my life, feeling like I just wasn’t meeting the right kinds of friends and finding the kind of community I so desired. I believe this social unhappiness led me into a lot of compromising situations with people that I did know, but that were certainly not right for me. Nothing sexual went down, but physically intimate acts took place. I ended up falling into a very bizarre relationship last spring/summer with someone who ended up being emotionally and sexually abusive. I have always wanted to want until marriage to do anything sexual, but this person really didn’t care about that and took advantage of me while I was in such a vulnerable position.
Over a year later, I still think about the things that happened every day. I feel guilt and shame and mostly, disappointment in myself. I know that these feelings are very common amongst survivors of (sexual) abuse, but even so, it is very challenging to heal from all that occurred. I often feel angry at myself for beginning to initiate sexual acts with my abuser, though this did not occur until after he had already been pressuring and coercing me into doing compromising things. I try to understand what I was thinking at the time, and I feel that sometimes I am coming to some answers. Even so, it is practically unconscionable for me to accept that things were so bad last year that I was driven to act in this way. I have read a great deal about this subject and apparently, victims “re-victimizing” themselves is fairly common. Still, it is very hard to accept.
Sometimes, especially because of the fact that I began initiating sexual activity with my abuser, I feel like a fraud, like I’ve failed in some regard with respect to waiting until marriage for this stuff. Has anyone else been in this position before?
I was in a very similar situation, actually, when I was 19. Before I’d come out of denial about being raped as a child, I was raped by a male “friend” (he’d been grooming me really), and in the shock afterwards he managed to persuade me that we were “in a relationship now” and told all our mutual acquaintances that I was his girlfriend. There were more sexual encounters after this, but I do not view them as consensual because how can anyone consent to sex with someone who has raped them, truly? Maybe they can, but I never could. But I wanted someone to hold me sometimes, and I’d always loved sex with men (my childhood rapist was female and I’m heterosexual), it always made me feel safe and clean and I was desperate for that feeling to come back so I “took the lead” sometimes, though obviously really that was just me playing my part in a game where he called the shots.
The truth was that if I allowed myself to accept that what he’d done was rape I had to accept the same thing of what happened when I was a child, and I was actually relying on my childhood rapist for a roof over my head at the time! So in the end the knowledge of the truth forced itself out of my subconscious and brought on a massive mental breakdown that almost saw me hospitalised.
Apparently abusers can spot people who have unresolved childhood abuse lurking in the background because when stressed and surprised those people freeze slightly, because of the shock, and that’s what an abuser takes advantage of. There was something about that on the Wikipedia page for playing dead (the defence mechanism). I don’t know how you feel, but I am happy enough (so to speak!) to admit that my adult rapist just knew as soon as he looked at me that I was a good prospective victim. I call all of what happened “between” me and him “abuse” or “assault”, regardless of which of us initiated any activity subsequent to the initial assault, because he traumatised me first so that I couldn’t think straight, and he knew he’d
done it. In that state I couldn’t withdraw consent and therefore I couldn’t give it.
I’ve heard that if you can’t freely say no, then you can’t freely say yes. Although you might have initiated it, do you think you could have said no freely?
If you were a child and he was an adult, then it was rape. The fact that your body responded to the contact does not make it any less of a rape.
Take care,
– Faith
I need to learn more about the body’s natural resposes (like orgasims) during rape or molestation. Please email me back. I feel loads of guilt for the pleasure my body had when this happened. My therapist said to learn all I can about this. Please email me soon.
Danielle, basically I think we are made up of these electrical circuits and biochemicals and other bits like minerals, we also go through this programme of conditioning, to become a well modified humane being, however this to me is not the case for all individuals, in the main most people are not in control of their destiny, the outcome for many is neither for their spiritual or phisical well being, it is unfortunate the few that are able to point the way are unable for many different reasons, one is that they are not the standard model that is endorsed by society, I understand the release of tension that builds up is difficult to release in any other way than what you are doing, do not be concerned over the guilt you feel, if you feel guilt it is that you should, this is because you are still finding your path, when you eventually start to get on track you will gradually be released from guilt, guilt is not through what you do, it is more to do with that you have a better road for you to navigate and you have to date failed to find this, do not be of great concern for all the stuff you are supposed to be, the chances are that the directives you have been given are in variance to what you are, it is a riddle and takes time to untangle, as with me it took a long time to get it, any how I am a bit slow, which is good for you, inasmuch if I did get any one can.
as i have remembered, i have felt so guilty cause this was true for me, i never knew it ; before i started remembering but i do i know that i did do this all the time as a girl and all through my growing up in what was forced on me. i feel so guilty about this. you make sense though.
You have nothing for which you need to feel guilty. You did not choose to be sexually abused. Your body simply responded in the way that it was wired to respond.
I know it is hard to work through these issues — I have had to work through them myself. It is hard to unravel the difference between a “good” and a “bad” orgasm after begin sexually abused.
Take care,
– Faith
i had an orgasm during sexual abuse.
My father fondle my crotch every night. It felt good. Though its was wrong
The most confusing part is that it feels good and bad all at the same time. It feels like your body is betraying you by reacting by feeling “good” when it also feels “bad.” People who have not experienced sexual abuse probably have a hard time understanding how someone can have a “bad orgasm,” but it happens all too frequently to those of us who have experienced sexual abuse.
– Faith
I could hardly wait for him to reach into my panties and give me that tingling feeling. I didn’t know then that I was having orgasms; it would be years before I learned that word, and even longer before I admitted to myself that what I experienced was orgasm. But sometimes the incest felt good — that special feeling, all that attention and love and affection from my nice daddy. And he was, in my young mind, my nice daddy; he hugged me and put Band-Aids on my skinned knees and sang Sinatra
my dad treated me ‘differently’, it made my other siblings jealous. But hell, if they only knew why he made me look so ‘special’. All nice things he did to me was only a lie. We should keep that in mind. He wants us to believe that he is a good man.
That is what makes incest so difficult. It is the most normal thing in the world for a child to crave the love of her father. Incest takes that need and twists it around to meet the perverted needs of the father (or mother, grandfather, etc.), leaving the child feeling responsible for the abuse.
– Faith
I had an orgasm druing sexual abuse …
To be earnest, I ENJOYED!
Even when a victim of sexual abuse experiences an orgasm during the abuse, it is still damaging, and it affects the person when s/he enters into consensual sexual relationships. The fact that the victim climaxes during sexual abuse does NOT negate how damaging the sexual abuse is.
– Faith
The fact that we get aroused by sexual abuse gives the abuser permission to abuse us. I just found this out at age 46. I too was sexually abused by an older brother when I was young, raped in high school and raped by my husband. I was continually abused by my husband sexually and emotionally and didn’t even realize it! I am learning how to maintain my own power and control. It is not easy!
I remember my father rubbing me between my legs, making me hold them open until I could no longer stand it and then finally I would get this tingling feeling and then would moan and he would kiss me between my legs on my clit. I wanted it, but in the end it messed me up.
It is normal both to want and not want the orgasm when sexually abused. On the one hand, you are still a child and do not want to be having this sexual experience at all. On the other hand, your body is wired to respond to sexual stimulation, so your body “wants” the release of an orgasm after the sexual stimulation.
The big difference is that, with consensual sex, an orgasm generally brings about a feeling of all being right with the world. With rape, the orgasm brings about a feeling of emptiness. As you say, it can really mess you up in the head, especially when you enter into a consensual sexual relationship as an adult and have all sorts of mixed feelings when you have orgasms.
– Faith
I think the reason why it’s problematic is not mainly because a child doesn’t want to have sexual feelings. It’s because the child wasn’t asked, or was taken advantage of. There was no choice.
I think that setting up a dichotomy of “innocent child”- “sexual adult” is beside the point and can increase feelings of shame in the survivor who had sexual feelings. As you said, children do have the potential for sexual arousal. If not, they wouldn’t have these conflicted feelings.
Adult survivors have similar problems with sexual feelings during rape etc.
Like with adult survivors of rape or coercion, or sometimes even “seduction” (= manipulation), the problem is a disrespect and violation of boundaries, not “early” sexual feelings per se. The disrespect of physical/sexual/emotional etc boundaries causes feelings of being invaded, or loosing control of your own body and sexuality, that in some way seems to belong to another.
But I agree with you, that children are not interested in sex the way teenagers or adults are.
You are doing excellent work with your blog and the adoption series, btw!
wat happens if it was ur own brother n u where so young
Everything that I wrote applies, no matter the relationship to the abuser — mother, father, brother, sister, grandparent, etc. The relationship to the abuser makes the rape more heinous, but it is NEVER the fault of the victim. Just because a child experiences an orgasm while being raped does NOT mean that the sexual contact was wanted.
– Faith
….because if you wanted the sexual contact, then it wasn’t rape
A child cannot “want” sexual contact. Only an adult can “want” sexual contact. The fact that a victim of sexual abuse tells himself that he “wants” it as a coping mechanism does not turn it into “wanting” the sexual contact. A child who has not reached puberty is not capable of wanting, much less initiating, a sexual relationship.
– Faith
Faith,
I was raped by probably both, men and women the whole my presense in the different foster houses until I was adapted at the age of 9 and a half. By that time I reached my early puberty and unfortunately I did want sexual contact even though I hated myself. I became a “bad girl”. In addition to this, later rapes at my 20s completely screwed up my marriage life because of experiencing very strong orgasms that I never could achieve with my husband whom I love more than anything else in my life…
You are not a survivor.
You can not understand my experience.
Huh?????
To whom are your speaking?
– Faith
↑You are not a sexual abuse survivor ‥‥
I was twelve, I remember, when my father began to molest me sexually.
Actual intercourse didnt happen, but I remember talking…touching… fondling….
I never cried or fought, it never occured to me that I could.
my father was the arthority figure. I couldnt resist him. I coudnt tell.
Hovering at the edge of puberty, I knew virtually nothing about sex.
How I hated him. But I hated myself more.
Despite my revulsion, the incestuous fondling evoked an instinctual pleasure response. It felt good, even tnough it was wrong.
I could not seperate sex from terror and power…and pleasure,
and i could not understand the sensations I felt.
What he did to you was wrong. Your reaction to the sexual abuse was a normal reaction. I am so sorry that you experienced the sexual abuse. I understand the mixture of pleasure, pain, and terror.
Hang in there.
– Faith
My dad was hitting me with some type of board
I was asking him to stop.
pleading with him
I told him I would be good.
he told me I had to prove it, I guess he didnt believe I could be good. I dont know.
I dont know why I did this. I really dont, It was my fault and I feel tons of guilt and shame over this.
I started to do oral sex with him
It got worse though….
He started to do it to me too
He put his tongue inside me
He did it until, untill I gave him what he wanted the response he wanted
I started this….
I am having a horrible time.
I am in great pain.
Survivor,
Do you have a therapist? What you are dealing with is too much for a person to work through without therapy. Try to find a qualified therapist with a psychology degree who has lots of experience in counseling survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Another good resource for you is http://www.isurvive.org. That is a message board for survivors of all forms of child abuse. It is like of like having your own online support group.
None of this was your fault. As an adult, it is my responsibility to guide a child in the right direction, not harm or take advantage of the child. You father is responsible for the abuse, not you.
Hang in there.
– Faith
no one understand me ok i went though this i still live with him and love hime hes my bother we where young i didnt know any better i jst thought it was a game i have never told anyone and never will
*** sexual abuse triggers ***
That is kind of what happened to me, only in my case it was my older sister that initiated me to sex. I walked in on her when we were home alone, she was masturbating. I was only around 8 or 9 and she was about 14 or 15. She fondled me till I was hard and then pulled me on top of her and guided me into her. At the time I did not understand but knew the feelings were so good. After that 1st incident I could not understand why she was stand offish but after about 2 weeks she came again to my bed and we did it again. From that point on we id it a lot when our parents were not home.
I still love her but I too never told anyone. And to be quite honest I am still aroused by all the times we did it.
You are not the only person who has been through this. It is possible that an adult sexually abused him and that he did the things he did to you to help him understand what was going on with him.
Take care,
– Faith
no one ever hurt him in anyway
I just want to say that as a survivor of child sexual abuse and an advocate for other survivors I think this is a very thorough and excellent site. I have my own blog regarding child abuse and would love it if you participated. The fact that the topics are so honest can be potentially healing and comforting for your visitors.
[…] first sexual experiences intermixed orgasms with pain. Many child abuse survivors experienced orgasms during sexual abuse, which caused the child’s body to feel both “pleasure” and pain at the same time. Even though […]
I thought I must be crazy to have experienced the pleasure of an orgasm during sexual abuse.
I said my father that I have to pee but he kept fondling my clitoris. I was only 12 yeas old. I didnt know why I felt good.
But I did get an orgasm and I like it.
Liking an orgasm is not the same thing as liking abuse. The fact that your body felt pleasure at the same time that your spirit felt deep betrayal set you up for a lifetime of ambivalent feelings toward sex.
– Faith
I thought I would share my story for the first time. I am a man and was abused by two people in my life. The first was my doctor. I was 7 years old going for my check up and everything was normal. Then he asked my mother to leave the room and go with the nurse. He said he needed to talk to me man to man and that it will give me confidence if we have the rest of the exam without her. I don’t know why she left me a lone, but she did every time I went to the doctor. I know she thought she was doing the right thing. Anyway I was abused with his finger in my bottom and with some kind of vibrator for backs or something. I had lots of orgasms every time I was at the doctor. I was scared but I loved going there every chance I got. I would fake headaches just to go back. I went there until he closed down when I was 13. Why did I enjoy it? Why do I still think of that as a good thing, my god why does it still turn me on, am I crazy. Sometimes I want to be 7 again just to feel what its like to have that first orgasm. WHY???!!! The other person that abused me was a friends mother. I was 10 and staying over night. She came into our room and pulled me from bed and masturbated me. I loved it and new it was wrong. I wanted it to go on but she stopped and told me to go back to bed. She never did it again. I missed not doing it more with her. I liked her, a lot for a 10 year old. Please give me your advise, im very confused. I don’t want to like fantasizing about me a child of 7 having orgasms from older people. I don’t want to do that to children. Why do I think about it so much. Sorry for the long post, Im just starting to deal with it all.
I understand how you feel. As a child, I was molested and raped on several occasions by 3 different men. The first was my babysitter when I was 7, the 2nd was my cousin when I was 11, and the 3rd was my mom’s ex-boyfriend when I was 12. After the first time, I remember being a child and wanting it all the time. I also remember fighting my cousin off when I was 11. But the worst part was that when it happened when I was 12, I actually wanted it too and thoroughly enjoyed it. The whole time I told him no (only because I knew in my head it was wrong), I really just wanted him to do it more. The only difference was that it turned me on more that he was rough and abusive. I am a 26 year old married woman now, but at the time it was horrible. After that, I would only partake is sex if my partner would play rape. Choke me until I pass out, hit me until I was bruised, and many more and worse things. It was 4 years ago that I met my husband. He knows my history (to an extent) and he taught me to make love. I never went to therapy. I never had a family who was there for me when I told them what happened. I never had anyone. I held it in for years. To this day, there are some nights that I want that, and my husband helps sometimes and to an extent. I get turned on when I think about rape, I get turned on when I read about it. It is disgusting, but I am learning to deal with it. I finally learning that I am not a dispicable human being, I am simply a woman who had a very traumatic, horrifying, and abusive childhood. I am someone who is strong minded and brave because I have faced this in my own and am overcoming it. I DO want to mention that when I was 19 I was a bartender. My rapist from when I was 12 walked in and didn’t recognize me I guess. He said “Hey baby, I want a Budweiser.” I looked at him and told him that he had no right to call me baby and to shut the F up. He started yelling and aking what he ever did to me do deserve that (all the while, he had a smile on his face). I looked at each of his 4 friends that he walked in with, then back to him and said -very loudly- “What did you do to me? Do you not remember that 12 year old little girl who kept telling you no 7 years ago?! Do you not remeber hitting her in the back of the head like a man and telling her that if she told anyone that you would kill her, and her mom, and her baby brother?! Do you not remember that night?! WELL I DO! I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the whole thing. But to be honest, I feel sorry for you, not me.” After that night, I NEVER had another nightmare. After I saw that man and told him what I had to say as an adult I felt like the world was off my shoulders. Don’t get me wrong, I cried like a baby and left work early, but I think I deserved that. That was the first night I had ever cried over it. I know that this is a really long comment, and I am sorry. I just wanted to give someone else hope and let everyone know that sometimes you can face your enemies and do it standing tall. I am a very meek and shy person, but that night I felt like I should shout it to the world, and that’s what I did. He stood there in shock for a few seconds, until it sank in to his friends what had been said. They began questioning him, but I didn’t stick around. I told my coworker that I had to go, and I walked out the door. Granted, I got fired the next morning, but it was well worth it.
Do you know the Pediatricians name?? There is a Pediatrician,who was just on the Milwaukee, WI news for sexually molesting 2 boys at a boy scout camp in 1987.. The scandal was hidden and he was allowed to practice to 14 more years!!! He was banned from the “Boy Scouts of America” but not from the children he saw at an intimate level every day in his practice! A program called SNAP is trying to gain more information.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I strongly recommend that you find a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people who have been sexually abused.
All that you are feeling is normal. Orgasms feel good. They are supposed to — otherwise, we would be unlikely to continue creating the next generation. We are born with our bodies already hardwired to experience orgasms, which is why your body responded in the way that it did.
However, as a seven year old boy, you were not emotionally ready to handle an orgasm. This was not about using your body to express your love for another person — it was about adults taking something from you that you should have been allowed to explore as you were ready when you were older.
Have your read my friend David’s post on my blog?
He has been through a lot to heal from his sexual abuse as a boy. You might find some of what he has written helpful.
Also, my favorite message board has a forum specifically for male survivors of child abuse:
http://www.isurvive.org/
You can meet other men who are struggling with the same issues.
Good luck along your healing journey.
Take care,
– Faith
To Jason: I got your other two posts and deleted them because you asked me to disregard them. :0)
Just so everyone knows — When you post a comment for the first time on my site, it goes into a queue to be moderated. This is to protect all of us from inappropriate spamming. Once I approve your first comment, your next comment should show up without needing moderation first.
– Faith
I had tried not to reach a climax during sexual abuse but ‥‥
my body was sexually stimulated and felt aroused.
My vagina got wet.
It was an involuntary bodily reaction.
But I am vexing.
I was 11 years old when my father first slipped his hand down my pants. I was at the arcades with him. It felt weird. But later that night he did it again when nobody was around and a few minutes later my body felt really light and my hips jerked. I had no idea I had an orgasm. I remember the more my father touched me after that the more I enjoyed the orgasm. He would fondle me about twice a week ending always with an orgasm. It soon became just a part of my life, routine that he touched me down there. It was such a shame that my own father would take advantage of my inexperienced body like that. He led me by the hand to a quiet place where nobody was around. Then his hands were on my body and soon in my body. He would whisper in my ear as he touched me, pleading for me to come for him. Thats why I feel so angry at him today when I see him. He did this more for his pleasure than mine I think. He always wanted to control my body. Before I knew it I was a 13-14 year old girl taking a nap in my father’s bed just so I could reach that feeling. That led to more types of abuse and then the orgasms where feeling more like guilt trips than a sexual release that I needed. Now today I feel so naked, so vulnerable in front of my father.
You should put your father in prison. Testify against him. He deserves to rot in hell.
Then you will be cleansed.
Maybe he will be abused in prison and understand his crime.
I f#$&ing agree! To see so many dispicable people in the world turns me Hulk angry. What in hell goes through their minds?! I’m Christian but it is so hard to forgive. Don’t forget. “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Live happy my brave comrades. I won’t understand what you went through. I’m deeply sorry.
I was 12 years old when my father first caressed my crotch.
I have been haunted by an intersection between shame and pleasure. I was hurt again and again and led to believe that it was my fault, and that if only I weren’t bad, my dad wouldn’t do those things to me. But at the same time, I thought I was special because it was happening. I’d tell myself, “Look how much my daddy loves me,” and still I knew it was bad and that I should be ashamed.
But I liked the pleasure of an orgasm during sexual abuse in my bed.
If I had an orgasm, then it would be over. My dad got pleasure out of seeing me have an orgasm. Every time I come, he smile triumphantly.
I agree but must add I feel like it may be even more likely to be brought to orgasm during sexual abuse. The abuser knows that if he or she doesn’t do that, you a child may be more against the touching and tell someone. So I think the abuser tries extra hard to make sure the child orgasms. I personally was molested by two different people the first was my uncle when I was only 7 years old. I did orgasm during oral sex. Then when I was 16 years old my father was messing around with me and before I knew it he was tugging at my jeans. I just thought about my uncle and did not want to respond like I did back then. I think that made it worse for me when I did orgasm with my dad because I felt so much guilt. Like Mischa said, my dad got pleasure in seeing me orgasm, so then he knew he had a free pass to orally raping me.
I also find cunnilings triggering because of past sexual abuse.
That is how my father had made me have an orgasm. he said I liked it and the whole thing was my fault.
My father brought me to orgasm as part of his game.
I absolutely cannot engage in cunnilingus. It triggers me in powerful ways, much more so than any other form of sexual contact. I believe it is because of the tie-in to orgasm during this form of rape.
– Faith
The most quandary in sexual abuse was the feeling of an orgasm.
I got addicted to the orgasm.
I just recently blurted out in therapy “I was 7 years old when I had my first orgasm and I didn’t know what was happening to me!” and threw paper in anger and ripped up a photo of me in these barely there clothes the same age in the same bedroom where I had my first orgasm. Today I usually cry after an orgasm if I even have one.
So am I jason. I started 10 yrs ago on just some of my behaviors I felt so horrible about and broke the silence on the other’s behaviors, but there’s so much I didn’t/couldn’t for many reasons. There’s always different “starts” and for me the hardest was and still is breaking the silence and dealing with the shame, at one time just trying to find words!, and now, today I have more of this I’ve never ever had bravery “I’m ready to take back the control taken away from me!” I’m trying to set a pace and stick with it so what all they did to me doesn’t consume/control me-it’s only because of the brave feeling I have. STOP!!!! Enough is Enough. I hope you continue you “starts.” and I can empathize with that first “start.” Lots of courage there that seems to disappear after disclosure-it’s just what I call “fallout.” Stay in your safe places, but keeping starting so you can find other safe places to start again.
Thanks for the kind words. They all really help. It truly feels like im still just starting to deal with it all. I have been recently dagnosed with bi polar disorder. Is this normal for victams of child sexual abuse to be diagnosed with bi polar disorder? It has been diffacult dealing with my past and being told I have bi polar. It does help explain some of my past actions although it dosnt excuse them.
Yes, many child abuse survivors are MISdiagnosed with bipolar disorder when they really have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), dissociative identity disorder (DID), or another form of dissociative disorder. That is not to say that you have been misdiagnosed — just that this frequently happens.
Bipolar disorder is a disease of the brain. So, if you have it, it was not caused by the abuse. PSTD, DID, and dissociative disorders only happen to people who endured trauma. People with DID can appear to be bipolar because they have different alter parts that act manic or depressive.
Take care,
– Faith
Thank you for this information. I have been misdiagnosed by doctor after doctor. My current doctor finally gave me ADHD and panic medication several years ago, which is the first medication combo that’s worked, but this doctor is clearly unfamiliar with the symptoms of child-abused induced PTSD, as well as ADHD.
The doctor does not believe me when I say that the ADHD meds lift my depression, improve my sleep, and help me eat nutritious meals since all the literature suggests that amphetamines make you manic and steal sleep and appetite. The doctor also tries to peg my anger to a mood disorder when it is instead a clear and natural response to abuse.
I am tired of this. I just want someone to talk to, but it’s not easy to find anyone who will listen without judging or will help without misdiagnosing.
Well, people with ADD treated with the quite-small doses of amphetamine used for ADD do not (or shouldn’t; if they do they are either being mis-treated or misdiagnosed) respond by getting high, losing sleep, or having their appetites totally suppressed. Maybe for a couple of weeks at the initiation of treatment, but it should be strictly temporary and bearable. (Or people will just go off the meds.) Those ARE symptoms of amphetamine abuse; but amphetamine abuse and the treatment of ADD are not the same phenomenon. While it’s as possible for someone with ADD to abuse amphetamines as it is anyone else to abuse amphetamines, taking the prescribed oral dose as prescribed to control ADD in a helpful way is not abusing amphetamines, it’s having one’s ADD treated. I do have ADD (as well as PTSD); one way I can tell I have ADD is that if I can’t sleep at night, taking .5 mg. of amphetamine left over from my day’s allotment (I usually forget to take it all; it doesn’t entirely treat the forgetfulness of ADD) always calms me down enough to let me drift right off to sleep. That is called the paradoxical effect that amphetamines at low doses will have on people with ADD — they are calming, physically and psychically. They also do feel like an antidepressant, though I am not sure in the sense of an antidepressant treating pure unipolar depression (I don’t have that, so i don’t know) — more perhaps a similar raising of mood, but due to the fact that untreated ADD is very psychologically painful, and the sweet relief of that pain stopping feels, well, a lot better. (This is not a ‘high”; it is the same sweet relief anyone experiences after, say, the jackhammers under one’s bedroom window finally go quiet, and one’s head and ears quit screaming.)
Its just irked at me since I had been abused. Seeing my abuser sent chills down my body knowing he had the most intimate kind of relationship possible with me. Never ending guilt has come from it until I saw a psychiatrist. I hated it that I would orgasm many times during an encounter with my abuser. I hated being at the supper table with my abuser and hearing him say to my family how he had a special relationship with me, how every father/daughter relationship should be as ours. He always thought that since I orgasmed so much, that he was doing me such a favor. It was true that I would voluntarily sleep in his bed when mom was gone. It was true that I would shower with him when I was a young teen just to be touched. My body betrayed me.
I think that the fact that my body (and my mind) did reply to sexual arrousal during my childhood abuse is probably one of the reasons I just cannot let go of the guilt and the shame. These feelings just flood my every thought.
I was only ten, and I enjoyed the foreplay. I liked the attention. I was arroused. And it felt “good. I even had orgasms despite my age… I even started masturbating at this age even though I wasn’t really sure of what I was doing… I enjoyed the feeling of it. My father came in my room every night.
Stephanie,
Your reaction as a 10-year-old girl was a NORMAL reaction. You craved the your father’s attention just like any little girl does. Your father took advantage of a normal need and exploited you with it.
Your body was created to respond to sexual stimulation. It was your father’s job to protect your body from experiencing sexual stimulation too early, but he failed miserably. Sex is something that a person is supposed to explore at her own pace, not have taken away by a father.
My first orgasm was even younger — still in my toddler or preschool years. I was not old enough to understand what was going on or want it. It was taken from me.
Hang in there.
– Faith
faith, im curious. wat iz ur story?
Hi, Chamillion.
My story is all over this blog. Feel free to read through prior posts. It would take far too long to go into it in one comment.
Take care,
– Faith
I am struggling so much with shame. I feel ashamed that I had “sensations” while My Father sexually abused me and I just cannot get rid of the shame. I feel guilty about it, due to me feeling so ashamed and dirty, and a freak, for having felt whatever during the abuse.
But thanks to people like you talking about sexual abuse , I have felt less alone.
There were many times when my father was abusing me that my body responded. I later recalled it starting to feel good, and not resisiting that feeling at all. When that memory came back, I felt so ashamed.
How are you all dealing with the conflicting emotions? Everything I see written here, practically, screams out that you all loved what was happening at the time, and mostly feel bad because society says it’s bad. I’m asking you all, because you are the only ones that really know, is it bad?
jz, I want to answer your question about if it is bad. I hope you read this. I know it’s been a while since this was posted, but I have to respond. I don’t know what you have or have not been through, but I was only 3 when it was taken from me. Today I am 24. My three children and husband have to endure my constant changing moods from one extreme to the next. One minute I feel like I want to put everything I have in my soul into being the best mother/wife, and then the next I am yelling and scolding and spanking over nothing. I don’t know who I am. I am never happy. I can’t be around people long, and worst of all is the extremely deep hatred I have for myself. Even when I am just washing dishes I have flash backs of being molested and how good it felt. When I have these I get even angrier with myself. My life is a horrible mess. I have a wonderful caring husband that doesn’t deserve to be put through my mess. I won’t even let him take our daughter to town alone. Even though she is only a baby. He doesn’t deserve to be treated so badly for what someone else did to me. I vividly remember the feelings I had down there when the man touched me every night. I remember trying so hard not to fall asleep so I could fight him off when he came into the room. But he always seemed to know exactly when I would be out and I am a hard sleeper once I get to sleep. I would be waking up to these feelings in the middle of the night wondering if I was dreaming or not. Now I can’t stand for my husband to mess with me at night. It reminds me too much of the man that did those things to me. I wish I could go on, but there isn’t enough space on the internet to contain it all. And that was just one of half a dozen men. My family is worse for the pleasure I felt so long ago. So, you tell me jz, how the hell is it not bad!!!!!! It’s just like any drug or alcohol. You feel good at the moment, but then it makes life worse and worse. So if you want my opinion, it is BAD! There isn’t a thing in this world that could be worse. A slow painful death wouldn’t be as agonizing as what I live with every day.
No. I knew what was happening to me was wrong, WAY before I knew society’s view – or was old enough to know. I was sheltered as well. It FELT wrong, IMMEDIATELY. Our bodies don’t deceive us. Think about it, many women experience almost unexplainable grief after miscarriages or even abortions they have to have because of their health. PLUS come on, if something’s going on that no one else is allowed to know that typically means it’s wrong, right?
Now, do the abusers think it’s wrong just because of ‘society’? Of course not! They know it’s wrong because they know they are taking advantage of and VIOLATING someone’s being. They get off on that! I could definitely elaborate even further, but come on. Let’s use some common sense, and spare me the time. Mind over matter – I never orgasmed, BTW. Thank goodness! MIND over MATTER! Oh and to those abusers who think their victims wont remember… you can think again. I remember things as young as 2… I even have a better memory of my age a lot of times than my ‘rents. The sex organs feel different than anything else.. so of course we will remember. Abusers are assholes, and wow, I should rule this world, cause my head’s so far up my ass I believe I’d make fucking history. It feeling good doesn’t make it right. Eating all day feels pretty comforting, a lot of people enjoy drinking a a lot, and a lot of people enjoy doing meth, and do you think they feel bad about all of that simply because of society’s stance? Nah, it’s because when it’s all over, it makes them feel like utter shit whether they admit it or not. I can see how my points can be argued(opposed) depending on someone’s perception, but just remember, I’m speaking of the overall picture. I mean there’s a reason why inbreeding produces offspring with defects or really weird shaped looking heads. That reason is it’s wrong. Thanks for hearing me out. By the way, I have an extremely high sex drive, but sex will never feel as good as it could with my bf, because of what happened to me. Maybe, but it would take A LOT of work. I’m too young to not be able to enjoy sex fully. 😦 Oh and BTW, I’m not ashamed, so society doesn’t matter to me. I can’t be ashamed, because I have to help, but I KNOW it was wrong, even if society would say it’s right. Think for yourself. If more people did, though maybe you wouldn’t have felt compelled to ask if people were possibly ‘sheep’ about the issue.
Interesting question. I will write about this on my blog next week.
– Faith
That is a good question. If society were diffrent, would we all feel ashamed or question our reactions to the abuse as we do now? I dont know. I do have an unrelated question. Please do NOT take this question the wrong way. What happened to us is horable and god forbid it ever happen to anyone again, but here is my question. Has anyone ever thought about abusing someone either willingly or unintenionally, emotional, physical, or even sexual? What is the statistic for repeating the abuse after becoming an adult? Just wondering. Thought I would update you all on my progress. I am on much more powerfull medication, Lythium, and seeing a therapist once a week. The thoughts of suicide are slowly going away, and I am holding down a job for the first time. Been there almost a year now, thats good for me. I am dealing with my sex adition slowly and we are starting to get my bi polar under controle, slowly. Thanks for letting me update and ask my hard questions. Good luck and NEVER give up. Life does get better, trust me it may not get better at first, but it WILL. Bless you ALL
Jason,
Thank you for asking that question. I am a nymphomaniac. I am addicted to sex. Sometimes my urges are so powerful I feel like if I can’t get I need I might have to take it. This disturbs me quiet a bit. I am ashamned to admit this, because of my past in sexual abuse, but it is the honest truth. I am scared of myself and hate myself.
Jason,
I have already written all of my blog entries for this week (11/17-21). I will address this issue the following week on my blog.
Take care,
– Faith
[…] sexual abuse, rape, sexual abuse My second most popular blog entry on my blog is one entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse. That blog entry has quite a few comments posted by child abuse survivors who experienced orgasms […]
i have really been struggling with this. I have experinced orgasims, and even ashsamed to say the word… i was raped so much, they would touch and rape me lots of ways and i would have multiple orgasims. they would rape me until I did. I feel really really guilty. dirty, shameful and lot of other words… I dont want to feel this ever ever.. but i do, and i do when i remeber. and i feel really bad and that i am bad. i cant even say the words to my counselor, cause i feel so guilty. any help?
Zoe – Please tell your therapist about it. It took about for or five years for me to tell my psychiatrist about it. I was an adult when I was raped and I had an orgasm. I felt so much shame and guilt and I still do. I am 55 yrs old now and it was thirty years ago. I was twenty eight years old when I began therapy and it took a long time for me to talk about it. Besides the extreme guilt and shame, I was worried about what he would think of me. Talking about it in therapy was the best thing that I could have ever done. I told my significant other of fifteen years about it a long time ago and he was most understanding. I am still in therapy. I have severe deprression and need a combination of antidepressants to treat it. He also diagnosed my adult ADD. It was just a blessing that I ended up in his office. It was years until it stopped being like putting one fire out after another. I have been in the same job for 21 years and am in a stable living situation with a wonderful man.
I am not sure why, but the issue of the orgasm during the rape has come up again. I enjoy sex in my relationship and that was even a struggle in the beginning. Therapy was a life saver for me. Please tell your therapist. I know that it is not safe to put things online so if you want to email me, ask Faith for my email.
Beth
Zoe,
Your body’s reaction is normal. Read the second comment on this blog entry:
http://ouradopt.com/adoption-blog/nov-2008/faitha/trauma-tuesday-orgasms-during-rape-and-sexual-abuse#comments
It explains so much about the body’s reaction to sexual abuse.
You did nothing wrong. Your body reacted to the stimulation, but nobody should have been stimulating your body. You did not ask for the abuse, and the fact that you had orgasms during the abuse does not negate the abuse. The abuse was still abuse, still wrong, and still the fault of your abusers.
Hang in there.
– Faith
[…] my blog entry entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: If society were diffrent, would we all feel ashamed or […]
[…] my blog entry entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: Please do NOT take this question the wrong way. What […]
Faith,
I woke up this morning. I realized something else about myself that I never questionned before. I am 39 years old and married for 10 years and I have never had an orgasm while having normal, traditional sex. The first time I had an orgasm during consentual sex it was oral. And that night I had the nightmare about being raped when I was a kid. Last night I was depressed, because recently it has also come to my attention that I use sex like I use cutting and burning. At the time it meets a need, but then I feel worse, remorseful. My husband has recently quit drinking and he will not participate in rough or degrading type sexual acts. Last night he would not follow me in that direction and kept it traditional so no orgasm and I still felt remorseful and ashamed of my behavior.
Yes, this is a HUGE challenge for many sexual abuse survivors. I will have to write about this topic.
Hang in there.
– Faith
Thanks for validating me on that Faith.
I was molested by my adoptive mother. she would lay me on top of her and have me rub back and forth until i orgasmed we would do different games she would tell me not to “hump” or squeeze just rub my body against her fleshy fat and I would orgasm. I’m not going to lie but some of these stories aroused me. I LIKED IT. having my crotch manipulated. I am in a controlled relationship. And only orgasm with my partner. no masturbating only with him. And I;m okay with it. If you liked orgasming with your parent or someone that is your business. The question is, will YOU do it to your daughter?
I love my partner and you know what? i dealt with my trauma the best way and if my sex life is a little bit deranged who is to say I’m not functioning right or that what happened to me is a bad thing? I was in foster care and was molested there too. I am beginning to wonder if it is normal. and it is psychiatrist who swindle us into thinking it is wrong. I wasn’t ashamed until i was TOLD it was wrong. Who can say it is wrong I’ve seen other kids from other countries who have incestuous relations and live to have a healthy lifestyle. so who is right and who is wrong? There are child molesters and killers. There are grown women who get raped and it’s wrong because they are harmed but what if they are seduced in an enticing way by a man who wants them? And the man makes them orgasm do you think she would complain as much? So I have some controversy on this. Jesus from the bible married a prostitute. Mary Magdalene but someone altered the Bible so we wouldn’t know. Priest are having sex with children…what about them? And how about Teachers, Doctors and other form of practices who have sex with children? our governor was holding a prostitute ring. So it is all confusing. I don’t harm my vagina though. I see others have, I was penetrated by my father but don’t remember the pain I remember a lot of stimulation and masturbating. I’ve never molested a child…I just fantasize about my sexual encounters and I orgasm that’s it, I do however love my partner and I think of him too and make love to him b/c I love him. He is much of an introvert as I am. Only thing is he is a nerdy type of guy with an ingenious mind.
what do you mean he “married” her? he didn’t have the time for a relationship. also why would they hide it? the Bible is mainly about God’s forgiveness and that means forgiving prostitutes. All they have to say is that prostitution is unlawful. also i would like your proof. if someone hid their relationship it is probably because most people view it as WRONG.
Sexual relations with a child is ALWAYS wrong because a child is not old enough to consent to such a relationship.
– Faith
I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my father from age 9 to 18.
I am now 23.
I had tons of sexual experiences with my father and I got addicted to the orgasm and the closness and lots of other things that I thought as love.
I remember sitting on his lap .I remember him fondling my crotch throug my majama.It felt very good.
I hate me.
[…] abuse, problems with sex after sexual abuse One my most popular blog entries is one entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse. In the comments, Palucci posted the following: I woke up this morning. I realized something else […]
When I was 11, my father made me orgasm during sexual abuse. He managed to bring me to orgasm -my first one.
I thought I would never be able to tell – except here.
Thank you for you honest blogs, i never thought anyone would understand how i felt. I also was abused by my father and felt guilty about this nice feeling in such awful circumstances.[although i never came and still haven’t im 22]
Interestingly i have been diagnosed as bipolar and DID but still waiting treatment, maybe once im better i can have a normal sex life?
I am 22 yr old male. I was molested by my brother when I was around 5 years old. He made me perform oral on him. I do not remember it at all until my other brother told me what had happened many years later. Lately I been finding myself wanting to give oral on other guys, so I would masturbate about it and then I would feel very guilty and hate myself after climax. I don’t think I’m gay because I don’t like men at all. Just feel the urge to perform oral on them sometimes. I really don’t want to do it but then sometimes I just get that uncontrollable urge to do it. Is there anything I can do to control this urge besides seeing a therapist? I just want to live a normal life and be normal like other people! Why did this happen to me!!
Hi, Johnny. Welcome to my blog. :0)
What you are feeling is normal. This is a normal aftereffect for sexual abuse survivors. I strongly recommend that you see a therapist. I did not want to do it, either, but it was the best decision I ever made.
Another option (which I would do along with therapy) is work through the Survivor to Thriver Manual:
http://www.lulu.com/content/405515
This workbook walks you through the healing process. It will help you understand how much the sexual abuse has affected your life and help you to heal from the past.
Take care,
– Faith
Rape and physical abuse of women is sadly common. Many of my female friends have been raped or physically abused, or both.It is a fact that some women actually orgasm as a result of rape, although not common, it would be hard to admit if it did happen I’m sure. I know someone who was raped for a long time by more than one guy:she was drinking and they pulled a “train” on her. At some point her body responded and she obviously had orgasm after orgasm, which just gave the guys more incentive and made them rationalize that she really liked it. She said it went on probably for hours, and she had “many” very intense orgasms. She said she was aware and embarrassed that her verbal and bodily reactions(shaking and arching) were happening, but she couldn’t help it. Worse, it was by some people she knew. she said she walked around in a daze for weeks, and everyone acted like nothing happened…horrible. She later had a husband that beat her regularly and screwed her 2 – 3 times a day. She said many times she would try not to orgasm, but he would always make her cum so hard that it was obvious, and usually more than once. I loved and had incredible sex with this woman because she trusted me, but she is deeply damaged from her experiences and I beieve is terrified of comitment and real, normal love. We saw each other for only a few months. This is a true story. I wish it wasn’t.
I hate admitting this…but certain things he was doing to me did feel good. I couldn’t wait for him to get his hands on me.
I have been molested by my father between the age of 8-14.
He showered with me ,rubbing my vagina. I had experienced my first orgasm from his touch,which may be the hardest thing to deal with.
The problem I have is I never told him to stop and my body was really responding to his touch.
I hate myself.
Amanda,
I am sorry that you feel this way. The hatred you feel is from your abusers. You are lovable and deserve to be loved.
Hang in there.
– Faith
Thank you.
i have been obsessing lately about any and everything to do with sexual abuse. I am 26 and my dad sexually abused me from the age of 2 till a few years ago. i feel like i am responsible expecially because i let it go on for so long and techniquely i was a consenting adult. but i wasnt he had me so scared and brainwashed i would have done anything to temporilary relieve the stress of wondering when he was gonna strike again. i thought i was bad for liking it he told me i was he said he did it for me. it is very helplful to see that there are other people who feel the way i do like my body betrayed me for enjoying something that was so hurtful in many ways. i have been in therapy for years but i have just gotten to the place where i am able to dip my toe in the water with my abuse issues. i feel so ashamed and guilty and when ever i start to talk about something that evokes a feeling i either dissociate or have a flashback. question some times i have body memories of my dad abusing me and i get aroused. i also sometimes get aroused just talking about it in therapy is that normal. cuz it makes it really hard to want to talk about those things and i am arfraid to let my therapist know what is going on inside my body because i worry she might be disgusted.
A different kind of abuse? I’ve always struggled with whether or not I was “truly” abused by my father. I do have one memory where parts are clear as day, and parts are totally blank, along with a feeling that “something” happened there, but have never had any insights. But what I do remember, and HATE, is that my dad was WAY TOO open about sexual things, and would actually tell us that masturbating was a normal and natural part of growing up and even gave us books on what happens to our bodies. I was 14 when my massager found it’s way to my vagina and I went from “oh, that feels good” to orgasm rather quickly. I was hooked. Now, some background is that I am a member of a Christian religion that frowns on masturbation, stating that those feelings are only to be entertained between a man and women legally married. I thought marraige would cure me of the habit, but since I have yet to orgasm during intercourse, I often find myself “practicing” and still find it to be a wonderful release that I often associate with falling asleep. My marriage is good, and I would say the sex is good, too. I never orgasm during, but he holds me after while I use a vibrator to reach orgasm. I have dealt with years of conflicting emotions over my “problem” and have even had both laymen and clergy counseling. Sometimes I would stop for awhile, but after a time, I always start again. I was naive enough in the rest of life, that if my father hadn’t pushed the normalcy of it, I don’t think I would have even known what orgasm was until I married. I still wonder if something else happened when I was much younger, but so far nothing had surfaced.
a father talking to a child in a sexual way can be a form of abuse. It could be a father sexualising his child because he is struggling with his own feelings of attraction towards her. Wether or not a father lays hands on a child, talking to them in this way about sex could be too much. In the book ‘Sybil’ the psychoanalyst talks about times where Sybil’s father said things like ‘you could teach me a thing or two about sex’ as abusive because he was sexualising her. He also instilled in her confusing feelings about sex by telling her she was too old to be sitting on his knee, when she was only a child but then exposing her to viewing him having sex with her mother. He never touched her but these things were still abusive.
I’m not saying that this is what happened with you but that sometimes things aren’t clear cut. I hope you will find answers to help you.
At the age of 5 I was raped by my baby sitters boy friend and many times after. I always orgasmed, but it didn’t feel like what others say their’s feel like. Mine hurt…alot. Weird thing is I really liked the pain and craved more and more. I am now a sex addict. I have ptsd and bi polar. It sucks sometimes, I feel like I’m crazy taking all the meds I do. I can’t even sleep without meds from the nightmares. My mom didn’t find out till I was 14 (i am 15 now) and then it was already to late. One of the reasons I kept this from my mom is he told me my mom told him to do it and if I didn’t let him my mom would never love me again. Sometimes I hate myself for not being strong enough to stop him.
I read all the above shameful acts performed by the elder people to their young ones. those people who comitted rapes on their children can rightly be called beasts.If all of us will understand that the children r angels and it is our moral duty to understand our children,if then have picked up th wrong ways we must correct them as they don’t know what they r doing.If such abuses remained continue then it will be a nuisance to our social life and a threat to our nation.
I fully understand what everyone is saying here, and this is an issue that has haunted me my entire adult life. It has directly impacted my healing process.
My stepfather began abusing me when I was 11 and by the time I was 12 it had progressed to full intercourse. I hated that I would always orgasm when he raped me, usually several times. I hated the fact that he so enjoyed my responses to what he was doing to me. I felt (then and for years later) that I couldn’t live with myself.
It was a constant struggle inside my young mind that I enjoyed the abuse and sometimes even initiated it, but was so embarrassed and guilty about wanting it. I remember that I found it difficult to orgasm while we were face to face since I didn’t want him to see my reactions — yet I wanted the orgasms nevertheless. I would turn myself over at the earliest opportunity so he could enter me from behind. This way I could reach orgasm with him easily. At least that way I wouldn’t have to look him in the face and he couldn’t see mine. It used to really get him going that I wanted to have sex in this position, and that I would “offer” myself this way. I would always feel like dirt afterwards, but yet somehow still look forward to next time.
This has impacted my entire sex life and all personal relationships with men. As an adult I find it VERY difficult to orgasm with a partner. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my step-father was rather well “endowed”, and I thought for years that the size of my partners (in comparison) was why I couldn’t enjoy sex. Through therapy I’ve realized that it was the experience itself that damaged me.
Thanks so much for this site and the support that is offered here for survivors.
I was molested by my father from 12 to 15. When he touchd me in certain places, I got wet, got off.
I really wanted him to stop…but I liked that feeling.
For me it started when my dad was tickling me. I was 10 years old I think when he would come home from work and tickle me before my mom got home. Then one time he came in my room after work and I was only in my panties. That must have triggered something because he stopped tickling me and performed oral sex on me. I orgasmed that first time. It felt so powerful. Every single day during the school week as soon as my dad came home from work brought me into his bedroom and had oral sex on me always ending in me orgasming. This happened for several months before I had to return the favor for him. Over all my dad had oral sex with me until I turned 15 years old.
I was sexual abused at age 12. My father managed to bring me to orgasm.
I can’t have orgasm now unless I imagine what happened in my body.
I was a foster child and abused at 2yrs old by 3 people in the foster home up until the age of 4. Then i was adopted by my adpotive mom and was molested and raped by my uncle from 5 until 19. I am 21 now. i feel so ashamed. He gave me attention that my father didnt give me. I am confused because I feel like I love him and miss him. He started raping me vaginally with his penis and other objects when I was 8 and i feel like its my fault because I had allowed it for so long. It became a part of my life. I hate myself because of it. I dont know what to do.
I feel guilty that I led a completely double life during the years I was being abused. I was this skinny little girl with no curves, still playing with Barbies, but at the same time I was obsessed with sex and acted like a total slut whenever my stepfather touched me. I giggled with my friends and pretended to be a normal young teen, but I’d already had full “adult” sex many many times with my abuser. It still seems I must have had a role to play because of my responses to what was happening. I’ve fought this guilt my entire life.
Hi, Alice.
Your body reacting to the sexual stimulation, just as it was wired to do. Your abuser is fully responsible for awakening your sexuality when you were just a little girl. It was not your fault.
Hang in there.
– Faith
It just feels so twisted that the best sexual experiences of my life were with my stepfather. I have never been so aroused as I was with him, and I’ve never enjoyed sex as much as I did with him – not even close. It makes me sick that he essentially ruined my chances of having a fulfilling sex life as an adult. I remember times when we’d have sex for hours and I would have more orgasms than I could count. I loved every sick minute of it, even though my lust always embarrassed me terribly. At times I wish I was more like other posters on this forum who only vaguely remember their abuse. I guess at 11-15 years old I was too old to block out the memories. Or maybe I remember it all because I enjoyed it. I don’t know anymore. Thanks for listening.
My uncle was the fun uncle who played games with us when our perants didnt want to. He lived with my Dad (My perants divorced when I was a baby.) and we all loved him, he was our favorite. One day when my brother and I were staying over at my dads house, my Dad had gone out, I’m not sure where to. I was still tired cause we’d stayed up late watching a movie, I wanted to go back to bed but my brother was in the room listeding to his music. Being a naive eleven year old I thought nothing about going into my uncles room and hoping into his bed. After all when ever we stayed ad dads I either shared a bed with my brother or my father as it was a very small two bedroom flat. I woke to a rubbing feelling against my groin. At first I didnt know what was happening, I was still half asleep, but it felt nice and I think I smiled. Then I heard my uncle ask me if I liked it.I paniced when I realised that he was rubbing himself against me and I felt horrible because it did feel nice and a part of me wanted him to keep doing it. When he took his penis out of his pants and tried to make me touch him I freaked out and pushed him away. I was able to get out of the bed. He called after me but I ran out of the room. I called my Mum and asked her to come and pick me up but I wouldn’t say why. While I sat outside and waited for her my Dad came back but I wouldn’t speak to him. When my Mum got there I ran to the car and got in. All I could say was “Uncle touched me” but she understood what I ment. I wanted to leave but she made me go inside with her and tell my Dad what had happend. I wanted them to tell me that it was allright and that he’d never touch me again but insted they told me that families should forgive each other and that we couldn’t tell anyone what had happenend because the bible says that you shouldn’t say bad things about your family. My older brother was still in the other room listening to the stereo with his head phones on and my perants said that I could never tell him because there was no point in us both hating him. I felt horrible, as if it was all my fault and that my perants could tell just by looking at me that what he’d done had felt good, that for a moment I had enjoyed it. When i was getting my things to go we realised that some of my things for school were in my uncles room. My perant told me to go and get my stuf. I didn’t want to but they looked at me as if I was being silly. I left the door wide open and krept into the room. My uncle was passed out by now and I didn’t want to wake him. My brother finally came out of the other room and asked what I was doing. I told him just getting my stuff don’t shut the door. Ofcorse he shut it, I screamed and threw my self at the door I was so freaked that it took me a while to open the door. my brother thought it was real funny, he didn’t know why I was acting like this. My perants finally came and told me to stop being so stupid. By the time we left dads and got home it was allmost dinner time. When I went to bed I couldnt sleep, I still needed to be comforted, to be told that it wasn’t my fault. I went out to the lounge to see mum. “I cant sleep, I’m scared and I feel yuck” I said. She let me stay up a while longer but insted of the words of comfort I needed to hear she told me that I was being silly and that at my age I was too old to be sleeping in the same bed as my dad and uncle and that I should never let them see me naked. This was not what I needed to hear at that moment and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t atleast hug me and tell me that she still loved me. The week went by and it wasn’t spoken about again. When the weekend came and it was time to go to dads again I wasnt too worried I thought that dad wouldv’e made uncle leave and that I wouldnt have to see him but I was wrong. When we got there Dad told us that he spoken to Uncle and that he didn’t remember doing it. He had been too drunk. Dad said that he told him that if he came home drunk again he would have to move out. I couldn’t believe it. That was it? Don’t come home drunk? That was supposed to make me feel better? If I wanted to see my father I had to put up with this man who had mollested me. I didn’t know what to say. From then on I started getting rude to my uncle, ignoring him, answering back I couldn’t stand him and it was obvious. But no one knew why. My brother asked “why are you being such a bitch to uncle?” I couldnt tell him and it made me worse. My uncle didnt stop drinking and still came home drunk. He mollested me again and this time I didnt tell anyone. I didn’t know what to say and I thought that noone would believe it had happend again. He had said that he didnt remember but he started doing things like sticking lollys or chewing gum into my mouth whenever i had to kiss him. He allways kissed me on the mouth. They were allways wet and I had to wipe his saliver off. I’m twenty eight now and Ive never had a boyfriend. I cant stand the thought of trusting a man. I can’t orgasm, I havnt since that first time with my uncle. The closest ive come is with a vibrator but i can only get to a certain point befoe i freeze and i cant stand to even touch myselif. I hate being touched, by anyone. Even my own daughter, (I got pregnant threw a one night stand). Being prenant was nine months one week and twenty five hours of being constantly touched. I have to force myself to hug her, im scared ill make her as screwed up as me. Im scared that one day she might be raped or mollested and she wont think ill believe her. I make sure that I tell her every day that i love her and that ill allways be there for her no matter what. Im even more scared of having relationships now because i think what if i bring a man into our home and he hurts her? It would be my fault. I’m still angry at my perants for what happened. Im more angry at them then my uncle for the way they treated me. My relationship with my dad is muntted. I feel like he blames me for what happened if he even believes me. Nothing I do is right or good enough and I hardly ever see him even though we live in the same town. My relationship with my mum is better, weve talked about it a bit but she allways gets upset and i feel even more guilty. I know she loves me but some times i want to scream at her and dad, “You were wrong! The way you acted was wrong! The way you made me feel was wrong! You screwed up! It wasnt my fault why do you treat me like it is? Why couldnt you just hug me and tell me that i didn’t deserve it and that you still loved me? why do you have make me feel like Im too blame?”
Phht, I dont event know if this has helpped me any. I thought telling some one would make me feel better but now all I feel is sad and angry and hurt… and still guilty. Its late but if i sleep i know ill dream about it. Ill wake up still upset get my daughter ready and take her to school then come home and churn it all over in my head. All the what ifs all the things i wish i could say to my mum my dad my uncle. The crap whole my life has become. I dont know, maybe this will help, I hope so I dont know what else to do.
Sophie,
Just wanted you to know, some random person read your story online. And I understand your pain, even being a guy. Not that I would ever truly “fell” your pain. Take care.
Random Person
Hi, Sophie.
I am glad that you shared your story. No, you did NOT deserve that, and your parents handled the situation TERRIBLY. If you had been my daughter, I would have told you that it wasn’t your fault, reassured you, hugged you, and found you a good therapist. As soon as I knew you were safely supervised, I would have gone back to your uncle, scratched his eyes out, and made it clear that I would KILL him if he ever came near you again. Then, I would see a lawyer banning your uncle from being near you and refuse to let you visit your father unless the visits were supervised to make sure you were not left in the care of your uncle.
I strongly encourage you to find a good therapist with experience in working with people who have been sexually abused. If you are not yet ready to take this step, I strongly suggest that you read the books “The Courage to Heal” and the “Survivor to Thriver” manual. I have links to both on the right side of the screen under “Book Resources.”
You can heal from this. Yes, it was terrible, but your uncle has already taken your childhood — don’t let him take the rest of your life. The best protection you can offer your daughter is to heal yourself.
Hang in there.
– Faith
Why is my email still showing when i click onto this website?
Hi, Sophie.
I sent you an email about this.
– Faith
Is this only about child sexual abuse?? I was sexually abused as a child, but I wanted to write about the most recent incident by my former female therapist.
Hi, Jill.
Many child abuse survivors are re-abused in adulthood.
Take care,
– Faith
I was sexually abused raped and molested the first 20 years of my life,I am 24 now, probly by every boy or man I ever knew besides my father my family 2 this day does not know the extent to how much or how bad I was abused they know some but not all. I grew up thinking those touchy feely tingly feelings were bad and 2 this day I struggle with relationships and sex I hate sex I want 2 enjoy it but I feel bad about it it took me at least a year 2 hug my current boyfriend 3 years later I still can’t kiss him I grew up praying 2 be fat so that no man would ever touch me I’m overwheight and have been my whole teenage years it didn’t stop any man
Niki,
I am a man, but I know something about what happened to you and the results in your relationships–all of them. I was in a relationship with someone who was honest enough to say some of the things you touched on. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COURAGE AND HONESTY–IT MATTERS TO ME, YOU, AND MANY OTHERS! There is hope. There are many selfish and uninterested predators and Jerks—but there is more real love and hope for you and all of us. Healing and true freedom are possible for YOU. It is real. The Person of true love has never turned His face from you and never will. And even though I don’t know you I love you–don’t give up, don’t believe the lies…you are loved and worthy of being loved–no matter how you feel. I thank God for you. You will be in my prayers. God bless you.
This is a test message before I pour out my soul. I want to say volumes to all of you and share but I am not sure if there is a special registration required.
OK, it appears that my comments will indeed go through. I will not be repetitive other than to confirm that many of us (for whatever sick perverse reason) seem to have endured not one but MULTIPLE accounts of molestation, fondling, and abuse. I have been shaped by the guilt, the shame, the “responsible” confusion, the lack of understanding, and the mess that goes along with abuse. I suffer from OCD because I need to CONTROL aspects of my existence. It is not uncommon for us to experience that, but what concerns me is that many of you do REALLY need good group therapy or resolution for your experiences, and it seems that you have not received it. I hurt for you because you HAVE to understand how this has affected you. You don’t need to carry the shame and DEFINITELY not any guilt.
At a VERY young age, I began to DEPEND on orgasms as a normal part of life. I remember that sensation of having to “urinate” and actually doing so a couple of times. To make a long story short, I grew up sexually addicted and would SEXUALIZE EVERYTHING, and I do mean EVERYTHING. As a child, I would look at pictures in mags (even Reader’s Digest), or I would be in CHURCH, and look around at who would be pretty or handsome enough to “hump” to get that good feeling. Gender did not matter, because my abusers were male AND female. I even considered the female “targets” easier conquests because of the direct stimulation during the process of “frotting or tribadism”, BUT I do not consider myself gay. I just depend on orgasms like drug addicts depend on their chosen drug.
Am I at a point where I am OKAY with this? Absolutely not. I have accepted WHY I need the sensation, and I live my life according to it. As a matter of fact, my bizarre fantasies I use if I have DIFFICULTY reaching climax are the ones reaching back to abuse by a cousin because his actions took me to that point quickly. I later learned that he had been abused as well, which is also common.
I have been abused by so many people, probably because of the environment, the OVER trusting relatives I have….you know, that as long as you are with family, you are SAFE??!!
I masturbate quite often, and I have to hold back the very extreme comments I want to make in order to make sex as dirty as I remember it as a child, because I do not want to push my husband away. He only knows me as a sexual being, but does not know the extent of what I have to think about just to be sexually satisfied. I have convinced myself that it will be like this forever.
TO the young lady who says that she is “turned on” reading this. I feel sad for you because you believe that it is alright and that this is a site for seeking pleasure. We are here for you to relate to, to understand that you had no role in the initiation of your abuse, and to help you understand that MOST of us have unhealthy triggers for arousal, but that we are, for lack of a better word, not proud of this. It is what it is, and although I hate to consider us damaged, we are victims just dealing with this the best way we know how. If you truly are “excited” by reading this, be careful not to accept that without wanting to find out why.
I will return to comment again, because it has helped me, and I want to be here for those of you who have yet to LOVE the inner you again. It is ESSENTIAL, and I do want you to hang on to hope that you can nurture what good has come out of your lives.
Ally
My brother molested me from the time I was 5 until my mid teens. He used to tell me “dont tell mom or dad they will be very angry at us” so I never told, but that makes me feel responisble also for what we did. To this day I wonder why didnt I tell?? He was 5 years older then I, and I do not know if he was abused or if he was using me as a play thing for his sexual curiosity, we never talked about it. He started by rubbing his genitals against mine, or what you could call “dry humping” until I was the age of 8. Then he fully penetrated me my bum and started having anal sex with me. I know it hurt but I dont remember that feeling. Once he started doing that he began doing this to me every night, and what is worse is that I began to enjoy it. I felt strange like I was being bad, like I was doing this, consenting to it. I felt like I let my parents down even though they had no idea this was happening. It was not long before he had vaginal sex with me. I am so mad at him for taking my virginity. That was mine to give to someone special and he took it away. What is worse is I let him. Why did I let him? Why did I let this go on for so long? He was my big brother, I looked up to him and wanted to be like him. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I enjoyed the feelings as he did this to me, is that why I let him? It sickens me to admit I had some of the best orgasms I ever had with him. He was my brother, I loved him and I knew he loved me, but still I knew inside this was all very wrong. The day I told him no more, this is wrong he left me alone and never did it again. Why couldnt I do that in the beginning, then he would not have taken my virginity! I know, you will say that I was too young when it began, but this still confuses me badly. It feels like it was consentual because I was old enough to know it was wrong when I reached my teens, but I still let him continue to have sex with me, and even sometimes initiated it. This messes with my head. I avoid him as an adult, I cant look him in the eye and we never ever talked about it like it never happened. I feel angry like I hate him for this, but I am more embarrassed and ashamed with myself for not stopping it until I was so old. I am also confused, should I blame him or feel bad for him also? He was a lot older than me but he was a child too when this began so i am torn. I am relieved I never got pregnant. My sexual life is unusual now. When I started having sex with others I gave myself too freely, probably because I had nothing special to give, it had already been taken. I slept with many partners, men and women, and can not have meaningful relationships. My problem now is that I feel like I am perverted. I like bdsm, to dominate and be dominated, and I like pain. Anal sex or anything reminding me of my youth strangely has become a huge turn on to me. Because of that arousal I still have I can not purge the feelings I have, the guilt, the shame to this day, and I blame this for my not having a meaningful relationship. My brother has never had a serious relationship either and we are both in our 40s now. Is it normal for an incest survivor to grow up with these sexual behaviors? I never told anyone my story until now but it haunts me every day of my life. I dont know if he is to blame or if we both are, but we are both messed up from this.
Hi.
I am glad you had the courage to share your story. Everything you shared is a normal reaction to sexual abuse.
As an adult, it is hard to appreciate the difference of five years between siblings. When siblings are four or more years apart, the younger sibling frequently views the older sibling as an authority figure rather than as a peer. So, you would not have felt the freedom to say no to your brother any more than you would have to your parent.
Also, with ongoing sexual abuse, you revert back to the age you were when it started, so you cannot hold the teenage you accountable for reacting like the young child. The last time I remember my mother sexually abusing me, I was 17 years old. I could have fought her off easily, but I didn’t because I reverted back emotionally to that helpless toddler. I did not know that saying no was an option.
I strongly suggest that you find a qualified therapist with experience in working with incest survivors. You can heal from all of this pain.
Take care,
– Faith
Thank you Faith. I understand what you are saying but the hardest part for me to deal with is the sensations and feeling of enjoying this abuse and how that has changed my sexual behaviors to this day. When I reflect on it there are many emotions, mostly shame and embarrassment because of any pleasure I experienced during the abuse. I will be turning 45 in a few days and it will be 4o years since this all began. The day he ruined my life. I love him, I hate him and so many other emotions all in one. I have buried this inside me for a long time now, but lately it has been on my mind as I think about where I am in my life, how I am lonely and how I wish I could just forget it all, get married and be normal.
As I sit and reflect, I must mention that the CONTROL my mother inflicted upon me with physical oppression (and four sneaky instances of sexual advances), I can’t help but feel stifled when she does it now in different ways. When no one is around, like just now on the phone, she FORCES me to listen to her, even though I am doing something else, or in this case, I was fast asleep. My daughter currently has health concerns, and I need all the sleep I can get in order to recharge, and I begged my mother to let me get BACK to sleep, and she started asking me stupid questions like, “so you don’t think I have a life too?” She has always been about this secret control that she does not allow people to witness, and it makes me feel helpless all over again. I am in my mid forties, and she chastises me and does not want me talking to ANYONE, even her mother nor my father’s mother. We always keep it a secret if I call them, because she wants to know anytime I talk to either of my grandmothers, who are both widows and all alone.
One remembrance I have of her trying to control me physically, was when I was visiting her after I joined the military (to get away from her), and she had a king-sized bed which was the only bed in her studio. It was about two a.m. and she thought that she could get away with trying to spoon me and slowly roll over on top of me. I elbowed her swiftly, and she realized that I was alert, so she pretended to be asleep. She is one person that I don’t want around me, but I can’t seem to successfully keep her from coming to see me. I live 1200 miles from her, and she will set up trips without my knowledge. She denies the bed incident, and she denies an instance when we were traveling, and I woke up with her face between my legs (I was fully clothed, thank God), but she was using my crotch as a pillow, and my legs had been spread in my sleep. I was 16 then. I really despise her!
Hi, Ally.
When I entered into therapy, my homework every week was setting and enforcing boundaries. It took me a long time to understand and appreciate that I did not have to have **anyone** in my life that did not want in it. I don’t have to answer the phone. I can hang up on someone if she does not respect me when I say, “I have to go.” I don’t have to have **anyone** stay in my house that I don’t want.
Yes, it is hard to get there, but I did, and you can, too. The things that your mother is doing are completely inappropriate at best, and you don’t have to put up with it.
Are you in therapy? A good therapist can help you learn how to set and enforce boundaries with her. (Moving 1200 miles away was a good step!)
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Hi, I’ve never posted here before. I don’t even know if this post belongs here. But I really appreciated your article…. I’ve been dealing with these issues for only a few days. (I was raped when I was 13 also, but did not orgasm then.) Stereotypically, I work as a stripper now, and for the first time in my two years of dancing, I found myself not in control of my situation during a private dance. While I was straddling him, he had my arms pinned to my sides, and he had my top pulled to the side so he could suck on my nipple and flick it with his tongue. I was fighting with him, as I didn’t want him touching me, but I started to feel an unexpected orgasm starting. I felt disgusted, but also that I couldn’t stop it, because his groin was rubbing on mine. I wanted to cry, but I leaned in closer so maybe he wouldn’t hear my panting getting short. I can’t get the mental image of his tongue out of my head, it’s awful. When the dance was done (lasted 12 minutes) I just demanded money from him and went straight to the bathroom and cried. I can’t tell my boyfriend. I can’t talk to the other dancers. I can’t tell anyone.
Your post made me cry again. And I’m sure I’ll cry more later. But I know that I didn’t choose for it to happen. I know I didn’t want it. Even though I’m fairly grown (21), it still confused me, made me feel humiliated. I haven’t felt like this since I was 13 and a 16 year old stole my virginity. At least that time I only hated myself for not fighting back. I didn’t tell anyone until I was 19.
Again, I’m sorry if you find this as inappropriate or irrelevant, and I’m sorry I went on for so long. I just needed to say it. Thank you.
Hi, Fi.
I am sorry that you went through that. Have you considered entering into therapy to deal with your issues? Nobody has the right to use your body like that, whether you work as a stripper or not.
Hi,
I have repressed memories & body memories of the incest between my grandfather and I that began when I was 3. I have learned how to cope with the body memories and visual/auditory flashbacks safely (it’s still, of course, not easy, or pretty–it hurts like hell), however, I have yet to figure out quite how to have flashbacks of the feelings of terror, emotional pain, etc. and ground myself quickly. Also, after I had a flashback today I explored issues related to the shame I felt about the hypersexuality I had as a little girl, which I shared with my best friend who is also a trauma survivor.
I have no problem at this point of my recovery logically and emotionally acknowledging that all of my childhood abuse was wrong on the part of the perpetrator and that I was an innocent child. However, I cannot seem to move beyond the shame and disgust I have for the fact that I was pleasuring myself almost a decade before pre-teens/teens start exploring that avenue. I was a “pro” at it by the time I was 6. By the time I was 8, I was terrified of being physically close to little girls who were much younger (around the age of my abuse) than I, for fear that I would somehow hurt them, even though I would never ever do so. I am 27 now, and it has taken until this year to even “say aloud” the last two things. Talking about both of them make me physically nauseous.
All I want is to deny that anything happened, but 1) there is so much evidence to the contrary (including the fact that my grandma says it’s highly likely & probable that I was molested by my grandfather (but she insists, no intercourse, regardless of what I feel in my body memories)–he’d been molesting girls in and close to the family for 60 years) and 2) how much is denial going to aid in my recovery? It’s not, and yet I deny any abuse at least twice a week to my T or one of the very few friends I will talk @ my abuse with.
Four year olds don’t naturally know how to give themselves an orgasm. They explore, ask questions; but do not innately as little children know how to do *that* to themselves. While I don’t remember based on flashbacks that I orgasmed during my abuse, it’s horrifying to know it’s a very real possibility considering I knew how to bring myself to orgasm barely out of nursery school. I hate that he stole my innocence, caused me so much pain–physically & emotionally then AND now, and that what happened is potentially going to destroy my career (I am a medical student [currently on medical leave] studying to be a physician) that I worked SO hard for. Thank you to all the survivors who posted their experiences and shared the truth, which we are so often told never ever to tell. And thank you, Faith, for providing an open forum for a very difficult topic (and for the trigger warning!).
Wishing you all peace and safety, Joy
To all of you who struggle with issues particularly related to family and holidays (a supposed JOYOUS time), be strong, and know that we are here at a click of a mouse to be supportive of you.
It is not easy to just “cut people off” when the abuse has been kept secret. It has backfired on me in negative ways when I have tried to make people come clean about what they have done to me, and ironically EVERYONE either turned on me, or told me that I needed help because I was dwelling on something that had happened SO LONG AGO.
It was around a certain Christmas that I thought that it would help me to set the record straight when a family member told me that “I don’t know pain, because my life was PERFECT!”, (it was the same family member who had abused me as well, so I don’t know what perfect day she meant) but I wish that I had used another method to vent because there was no heroic rescuer who came to my aid. It was just me, sad and lonely, defending my right to tell the truth.
I now think hard before I divulge anything to people who are close to me, because not all people handle things in the same way, and the dramatic overtures one may anticipate don’t often go as envisioned….sometimes a hellish outcome is what occurs.
Ally
I would do anything for an orgasm, and he knew it. The first one happened in the bathtub, he had me lie on my back and put my feet up on either side of the faucet. The warm water from the faucet washed over my clitoris and pounded against the opening to my vagina. The sensation was intoxicating–until I actually came. I lost control of my whole body, I remember my stomach muscles constricting, and my body coming up from the bottom of the tub. I remember twisting, trying to get away from the water that was pouring over me, but he held me there. Lying in bed that night I swore I would never do “the shaking game” as I named it, again…
But the very next night when I took my bath, I lay on my back with my feet up on either side of the spout–even though my father wasn’t there–he had me. He had taught me the game and there was no going back.
So that is the cycle for me…pleasure, anxiety as I cum…out of control, followed by shame.
Emily, I hope that you realize that you have value. You are NOT to blame for the confusion about your sexuality and the vicious cycle you have had to endure. You are going to grow into understanding that more and more when you seek counsel from a qualified therapist. If you choose not to seek help for this, then please realize that in order to heal from the abuse, you must take control. A lot of us feel a sort of “why bother trying to change things now?” mentality. I did for a while believe that I was already submissive and that sex was ALL that I had to offer, so why try to establish anything substantial with anyone? I had to grow from that and realize that I DO have worth, I DO have a soul, and that whatever was done to me in the past….I can be in control of how I allow myself to live. Keep trying to find your own resolve and forgiveness for YOURSELF. When you forgive your own pain that you have accepted, it will help you. What I mean by this is: If you feel shame for something you could not understand as a child, let that shame go! Let it be a tool that keeps your guard up, but one that also allows your heart to love YOU.
You matter, and you always will. Write more about your growth in your personal journal, and each day, tell yourself how worthy you are of love that is pure.
Ally
Thank you so much, I can not tell you what a help your blog and specifically this post has been to me. There seems to be so little out there on this subject and after stumbling across many ignorant mentions of it I have come across this.
I was raped by a man and a women when I was 19, I trusted them both, and they hurt me so badly. The women kept on and on until she made me orgasm, it was the most dreadful feeling of humiliation and self hate. They told me it was proof that I had wanted it, that you could not orgasm unless deep down you liked it. I had/have never been so confused or hated myself so much. It has made me question my sexuality.
I am now 30 and have never had a sexual relationship because I am so terrified of having that feeling again and being reminded, so I plan to live my life never ever letting anyone near me sexually. Which feels sad and lonely, but I don’t know how to change it.
Clare
i was abused physically, emotionally & mentally by my father. luckily, never sexually. i don’t know how any of you feel, but i do understand.
i’ve been through some therapy and have a better understanding of what i went through and why i feel the way i do.
after reading everyones story i felt compelled to respond.
i know it ‘s not easy, to say the least, and easier still to say it, but i can only emphasize that none of us is at fault.
each of us survived. how? by the very act of staying alive, by doing what our instincts dictated we do. survive. stay alive.
i often think my survival instinct was and is too strong to let me die. so here i am.
other than that, that’s all i can offer.
when i was 15 a much older man who was 36 started taking me back to his flat and having sex with me… it felt wrong the first time he touched my leg and kissed me but after that everything was concentual on my part, 5 years later and im still not sure if i was raped or not, its really fucked me up, im terrified of seeing him again i know he was a convicted peadophile but because some times i intiated it does that mean i wanted it?
Hi, Sollice.
A child is never responsible for initiating sexual contact with an adult. The fact that he is a convicted pedophile is proof that he was responsible.
– Faith
thats both comforting and compleatly devastating
Is there a normal age where kids start to masterbate to reach orgasm, where they know that is where they are going with it (probably not knowing the word orgasm, but knowing the sensation for it) and not just touching themselves to feel good – they dont know they can orgasm. Do kids masterbate to orgasm in preschool or kindergarten…. maybe by 3rd grade?
Hi, Palucci.
From what I understand, “normal” children begin masturbating to achieve orgasm when they reach puberty, which is typically in the 12-15 age range. Before reaching puberty, a child might touch his genitals because it causes a pleasurable sensation, but there is no concept of an orgasm involved. My son is in third grade now. He will sometimes touch himself in the tub to watch a body part go “up,” but there is no awareness of the possibility of an orgasm at this age (9). When I say “touch,” I literally mean “touch” — not the fondling involved when men masturbate.
– Faith
Im male and had my first orgasm at 5, and i began regularly masterbating at 6 or 7.. not a victim of child abuse.. but of adult abuse
I make no claims to be normal, but I did have the great good fortune never to have been sexually abused. FWIW, I had my first orgasm at 12 — definitely as part of puberty, because my body was changing in all the usual ways and I was getting much more interested in sex — in the form of dirty jokes and kids’ questions and rumors and gossip among ourselves, plus what we knew from whatever sex-ed books and educators had provided. It sort of happened by accident after I had been humping a bedspring before falling asleep, because that had started to feel good. I remember I started fantasizing about a boy at school I had a crush on, and making out with him in an empty classroom.
I am guessing that is probably pretty typical for a first masturbation experience for someone not molested. just a guess.
My first experience of an orgasm happened as I was walking to school in 7th grade. I don’t know why it happened. I remember being very embarrassed, though I don’t think anybody noticed but me. I think my body had been “charging its batteries” for a long time, and when they got overcharged, the slightest sensation pushed the release button. I didn’t start masturbating for many months and didn’t really know that I had even had an orgasm until I experienced my next orgasm. I have never been able to have another orgasm just by walking.
Thank you, Faith for your website. I too have been a victim. I was adopted into a family of “faith”, but my older brother molested me as a little girl. It went on for years, often times right in the presence of my parents. I believe they knew what was happening, but turned the other cheek. I would pretend I was asleep. This has turned into my defense mechanism. Turn the other cheek and pretend to be asleep. Seven months ago, my home was broken into in the middle of the night and I was raped. I did nothing..pretended to be asleep..until I had an orgasm..and then the man just left. I “woke up” and called 911. It has since been proven that the man was my daughter’s husband. Just yesterday I realized that I was blocking out the orgasm..from such guilt.. the same guilt I have carried all my life, the bad seed that I am. For alot of years I have loved those orgasms too..sought them..addicted to them. My addiction is finally broken, I don’t care if I ever have an orgasm again. It is replaced with an anger though..so horrid that I don’t know what to do. I have a man in my life, but he too has his own issues that have affected me tremendously. He seems to be a closet porn addict, and now I have even accused him of molesting his own daughter. I am in counseling (have been nearly all my life) and told my counselor the other day that I can not tell the difference anymore between what is real and what is not. I believe everybody is a pervert.
Signed,
bad seed
Hi, Bad Seed.
Not everyone is a pervert or evil, but there sure are plenty of them out there. I find that the more I heal myself, the more I “attract” healthier people.
– Faith
Thank you. I know you are right. God has given me many tools for healing..and I know how to use them. Perhaps it is time..
“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner.” — Max Lucado
I am a 40 year old man dealing with the sexual manipulation as me 11 year old boy with a man 55 for two years. The man had befriended my mom after father passed away. Then mom was in and out of hospitals for depression and alcholism. So this man had me for two year from 1977 to 1979 . Mostly at his farm in indiana. My first time with him , he just stipped my baseball uniform of me untill i was competley naked. I just froze not knowing what to do or what was happening. He had always been nice most times. THis happen during my mothers first stay at hospital. I felt like some one else, as i was on my back looking up at sky, while he pulled off my baseball pants and socks. Then told me to stand up. then he carresed me into a erection, told me i must like being naked and having another man touch me because i had an erection. That was the first mind control of many things he did to me. He then proceded to undress and have me touch his penises. I remember being excited , dirty feeling, and dizzy. I was then forced on my knees and he forced his penies in my mouth where he orgasm . I was forced to swallow his semen and everytime after that. What he started to do was bring to point of orgams while i gave him oral , so he always had me climax with him. He competely made sure that giving him oral and having climax in my mouth was equal to pleasure for me. This has messed me up more than anything. He would stimulate me so much then one day he said he would do it any more unless i came and asked for it. Which after about 5 days i asked for it , which made me feel i was wanting this as much as him. The abuse eventually led to him cross dressing me, again giving me orgams as he slipped panties on me or dresses , so wearing them was equal to pleasure. This has carried over im my modern day life with fantasies of now wanting to become a woman. I belive i would have been normal 11 year old boy but now. he changed my whole life to wanting and recently having gay sex, to wanting to live as girl. THis has messed me up.
Hi, Brian.
I am sorry for all that you have been through. A good therapist can help you work through your issues. Your past does not have to control your present.
– Faith
when i was 7-8 i was molested by a close friend of the family, he was like a cousin to me and our mothers good friends, at the time he was aroud 16 or 17. Now im 24 and havent seen him in over 12 years yet I at times fantasize about sleeping with him now that I’m older, after all wouldnt he want me now that I’m grown? I trully dislike this man yet I find myself looking at his facebook page. I even wrote to him once saying how I hated him and that I remembered what he did, and he deleted his account. His sister (who knows nothing of this) and I still keep in touch and ive felt the need to tell her many times but I really dont see the good that would come of it. I have conflicting feelings about all of this, yet I’m able to recognize how bizzard it all sounds yet I still have these thoughts.
I experienced my first orgasms at the hands of my abusers.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels so disgusted with themselves on one hand, but on the other hand I hate the fact that anyone else had to go through this.
I hate myself so much for having an orgasm. I was a little bit older than most people on here, so I should have known. I was 14 years old. I went swimming with my family. I never had been molested that I remember before that day. I was in the deep water with my dad and older brother and his friend. My dad and I were trying to get my brother and his friend off the tube, but they were like 18 years old and too tough for us. They were getting deeper and deeper so that I could just barely touch bottom with out going under. My dad noticed I was having some trouble because I was so tired from pushing the tube. He put his arm around me to help me. The deeper we got, the more he held me. Like ten minutes later we finally gave up and headed back towards shore. My dad had been touching me outside of my swimsuit which I kind of liked. Before we got the furthest buoys he actually had his hand inside my suit. He was rubbing me down there pretty good. When I noticed I could touch bottom again, I got away from him but he started spraying water at me. Unstead of going back to shore, I playfully fought back. He grabbed me again and this time fingered me. Although I was screaming, a lot of people were screaming since it is the beach, so nobody noticed. My dad held me tightly and fingered me until I orgasmed. I liked what was happening and hated it too. Its so weird. He never touched me again after that.
Hi, Jori.
Have you been to therapy about this? It is very likely that this was not the first time this happened — it might just be the only time you feel safe enough to remember. A good father does not do this, and the kind of man who would do this to his own daughter does not typically just do it one time throughout her entire life.
– Faith
While I haven’t experienced what so many of you have, my daughter has been struggling with heroin addiction – and there are many similarities!!
I have read so many people describe the great guilt and shame they have from feeling arousal, even desiring more contact. But the abusers contact was MEANT to trap you with pleasure.
Your body reacts naturally.
Just as heroin gives the addict enormous pleasure and brings them back again and again – even as it causes devastation to themselves and their family. BUT an addict does NOT feel shame or guilt over feeling great pleasure from heroin because that’s the drug’s purpose. The body reacts to the chemical. Period.
In the VERY same way why feel shame & guilt over arousal from the abuse or even a longing for it. Such reactions are so completely natural. Just as a drug dealer gives someone free hits of heroin to get them caught so they will come back, so too did your abuser know this! It was no accident, they wanted to manipulate you to get this reaction.
Give up shame, because it was the abuser’s plan to make you “addicted” to the enjoyment if they could.
You are NOT worthless because of it.
You are not a “bad seed” because of it.
You are not shameful because of how your body reacted to the drug of pleasure or how you may have sought to repeat the feeling.
You were taken advantage of by someone powerful and cunning and manipulative and VERY selfish. That is NOT your fault – it is THEIR fault for not caring for you as they should have. Do not lift the guilt from their shoulders onto your own shoulders for any reason – no matter how convincing it may seem!!!
Do NOT beat yourself up for your abuser’s wrong action – NO MATTER what you felt or how you reacted. Just as the drug dealer counts on this reaction – so did your abuser.
You do not even have to forgive yourself for anything because there is nothing to forgive yourself for. You were a child or young adult and you reacted normally – as anyone would react.
You do have to heal from this very real injury though – but that is something quite different. So many of you have real insight into what has happened and how your feelings and thoughts were manipulated.
My VERY best wishes to all of you in your healing!!!!
I simply cannot wrap my head around my sexual abuse, first by my Grandmothers husband (not my grandfather) at age 5, maybe 6. He would bounce me on his knee and give me quarters so I would stay on his lap longer. He would do this until he ejaculated. I am 44 and have just now started to remember a number sexual abuse incidents. I was fondled at age 7 by a cousin. By age 14 his younger brother loved fondling my developing breasts. He was in his early teens and I do not think of what he did as sexual abuse. He continued fondling my very large breasts into early adulthood. I HATED it!! To this day I despise having them touched. I even went to the extreme of having them drastically reduced.
I was fingered to the point of my first orgasm by my best friends father at 12, and it continued till I was 14 . I have never been “raped” per se, just finger and object penetration, and since I wasn’t “raped” in the classic sense of the word, I have a difficult time thinking of it as sexual abuse.
I just started on a journey I am finding terribly frightening. I had physical abuse as well. I just got out of a psychiatric hospital and have been diagnosed with PTSD complex. WTF is that???
I have spent my life shoving down and pushing away my emotions, it has made me literally crazy. Diagnosed with bipolar 1 at age 18, I get quite manic and rather out of control at times. I’m scared, lonely and confused. I am now unable to achieve orgasm due to agonizing flashbacks. The docs say I do not have a biological/ biochemical imbalance causing me to be non-orgasmic. I’m so exhausted with all of this, that I am obsessed with a strong desire to place finger to trigger and free myself. I am a coward.
Hi, Michelle.
Object insertion, etc., is sexual abuse. Don’t let your abusers minimize the damage just because a male appendage was not used.
Complex PTSD is a newer diagnosis, which is probably why you have not heard of it. Dissociation runs on a continuum. “Normal” dissociation is on the left (“losing yourself” in a movie), DID is on the far right (most extreme form of dissociation), and PTSD falls in the middle. Complex PTSD is more severe than PTSD. (Continuum analogy courtesy of Martha Stout’s book, “The Myth of Sanity.”) See http://www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/article.htm for more information on complex PTSD.
You can heal from the child abuse. If I can do it, then anyone can. Don’t let your abusers win by pulling the trigger. You are not a coward — you are amazingly strong for having survived.
– Faith
These stories are helpful to me. My daughter was molested by my son all her life and I did not realise this. I had once caught an incident- him sitting on the side of her bed and pulling her in to between his legs. They were dressed. They were so young. I threatened him to never ever do such a thing, I will call the cops. I thought it was just a bad judgement he’d made, just that once. To my dismay, that is what kept my daughter from telling me all these years. She was afraid she’d be in trouble. I had done nothing for this incident outside of that threat, which was for him, not her. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Did not want others to know I saw this.
I now have a felon sexual offender and a sexually abused daughter. NOTHING could be worse. My biggest fear in life come true- My child was sexually abused. No this is worse, it was by my own son.
I feel horrible for this. I didn’t feel we were disconnected. I thought we were really freaking close. I thought we had so many fun times, good times. I always told them both, no one is to touch them in certain places and talked to her especially about it, since they were staying three nights a week at their fathers house while I worked. Its been almost three years since they were caught, what a mess, family is broken. I feel too that I am probably hurting her feelings. I love my son still. I can’t stop. I hate what he did. I love her sooo much. My little girl. Ohhh how could I have not known. This is just to much to bear with. Please please parents beware. I could have never imagined.
Our society is so set up for this to happen. With all the single moms, divorce and joint custody and both parents working-family life is just turning out to be a mess in these times.
Thank goodness it was caught and stopped and action taken. But OMG, what a disaster. I can barely function, I am just so ashamed of myself, my son, their father. I want to help my girl, not hurt her feelings. She is in counseling, I am not sure its helping her. How will I ever know?
Thank you all for sharing.
My best friends begged me to go on a camping trip with her. I was like what is the big deal I love to go camping well I soon found out why she didn’t. These activities camping hunting trips to store or even being asked over for dinner, were all lies. My friend didn’t want to tell anyone I told a few people but no believed me. I would ask my parents if I had to go but they said it would be rude because they always came to invite me whether we had money to give for whatever said activity so this when on for like 7 years. The worst part is he live 3 blocks from were my inlaws live and they don’t understand why I hate coming over. I don’t want to tell them because I feel so bad. Like they would ask me why didn’t I do anything about.
Then just four months I work swings shift and was walking to my car and was attacked, I ended up having a miscarrages. I lied to my husband he doesn’t I was attacked. I am just very messed up. I don’t if I was attacked by someone I worked I don’t know. I feel like I put myself in these bad situation. I just fell so helpless I have no control.
Faith M
Hi, Faith.
I strongly suggest that you find a qualified therapist with experience in working with child abuse survivors. You do not have to live in fear and shame.
– Faith
[…] Faith Allen […]
1. Age of masturbation: I had my first orgasm around age 4, climbing a pole. This happens to many kids if you judge by all the pole-hugging kids in daycare (I was in daycare much of my young life). My wife started masturbating when she was 6. So, just to verify that children, while not understanding what an orgasm is, certainly know how to pursue pleasure up to and through the point of orgasm.
2. My sister was sexually abused (intercourse) by my father at age 9. Within a year, my mother allowed her to move BACK in with my father, who then essentially made her his sex partner until she was about 14. Her entire life was sexualized. She constantly tried to use sexuality to empower herself. She once told me she never had an orgasm during intercourse with her husband or any other partner after my dad. Her life was filled with bad decisions and ultimately suicide in her early 40s.
I am thankful for this blog. Hopefully it will show some dad or mom or uncle out there how much PAIN and destruction this sort of behavior causes. I also hope those who have been abused can find some relief in realizing that we cannot control what we find sexually exciting. I think it is especially difficult for those who found physical enjoyment and loving comfort in their abuse. That is not a strange reaction. It does not make what happened right, but it also does not make your reaction wrong. I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no social need to feel guilty about what happened. I still fight my guilt about loving a father that destroyed and ultimately killed (one could say) my wonderful sister. Thankfully my father died at a relatively early age. I fight the guilt I have that I am glad he is dead. But I have come to accept all these mixed feelings. They are the product on ONE MAN’s crimes. I have no reason to feel guilty for loving my dad and hating him at the same time. Feelings are not my fault, and they are not your fault. “Fault” is not a word that applies to feelings. They are just the result of your life experience.
I have been reading all the responses and I truly wish I can give some kind of advise. There is nothing in the whole world that I can imagine that would make some guy want to do something so horrible to a woman.
If your body responded with an orgasim to this brutal attack, then that is what has happened and NO one should be the judge about how your body or any other body will react under the same circumstances.
You need to move on with your life and try to forget about how your body reacted during those horrible circumstances.
Paulie,
Brooklyn
I am 19yo. Just some background I saw my parents having sex when i was 11. They didnt know I had come home early from a sleepover. I never told them. I had already “discovered” masturbation. Nothing sexual ever happened to me. One night while surfing the net in the family room at the age of 13 my dad caught me looking at porn. He just said for me to log off and go to bed. I was really embarrassed. He must have told my mom because the next night while getting ready for bed she sat me down and talked about it. We basically had the birds and the bees talk. She told me that sex was a beautiful thing between a mana and a woman who loved each other and all that. Said that I should only give mysefl freely to a man who i loved etc. Me and my girlfriends had the normal chit chat bout boys and stuff but none of us had ever doen anything sexual and no one brought up masturbation not that I would have admitted that I did it almost every night while falling asleep. I would fantasize about cute boys at school, cute boys on tv and men and even my dad.
Fast dorward 2 years alot of turmoil my mom and dad split up. Neither of them told me why. My mom was the custodial parent and I would visit my dad every other weekend and three weeks during the summer. I had been out on a few dates and one boy brian he and I actually did oral sex on each other but that was as far as it went. I never told my mom about it it was something we never talked about since that talk she had with me when I was 13. I visited my dad every two weeks and would sleep over for the weekend and he would drop me off home at my moms on Sunday nights. The that first summer when I stayed over for the three weeks it was hot and one morning when i walked by his room his door was open and I peeked in and saw that he was sleeping in the nude and he had an erection. I snuck into his room and started to fondle him and I then performed oral sex on him. He awoke and was shocked but it was too late he ejaculated into my mouth and he was like kind of mad at me started to ask me why I would do that and I started to cry. He hugged me and said it was ok that he wouldnt tell my mom but that it must never happen again. And it hasn’t but it has been 4 years now. I have had a few serious relationships and I have performed oral but I have never gone all the way. I have never told this to anyone. I want my dad to be my one and only. I know I shouldnt have these feelings but I can’t help it. I know some of you will say I need therapy but that is not going to change my mind. I have not talked to my mom about it she would freak I am sure. I have tried to bring it up with my dad but I am afraid he will tell me it is never going to happen. I was never molested or abused and yet here I am with these feelings. I often think about the moment I saw his reaction as he orgasmed in my mouth and how much I want to see him like that again. Are there other women who feel this way?
Hi, Jennifer.
I strongly recommend therapy to help you understand **why** you feel this way about your father. A therapist is not there to tell you how to feel. A therapist helps you learn to understand yourself and why you feel the way that you do. Whether or not what you feel is “right” or “wrong,” you are feeling what you are feeling. A therapist cannot “make” you feel anything or stop feeling anything.
What you are feeling toward your father is not how most daughters feel toward their fathers, so I do think this is something worth exploring in therapy. Of all of the men on the planet, you have set yourself up only to want the one man you cannot have. There is a reason for this, and therapy can help you understand why.
As it stands now, you have put yourself in a position for heartache — either you must feel unfulfilled because you cannot have the man you want, or you will act on those feelings and possibly ruin the relationship that you now have with your father. It is a lose-lose situation, which I am sure you can see from the logical part of yourself. However, the emotional part of yourself is driving you toward this lose-lose situation. Therapy can help you understand what is fueling this.
– Faith
Faith:
You’re right i know i have set myself up for failure for reasons I can not explain. I have been to some counseling and admitted my true feelings and all the counselor wanted to know is why and did he touch me. She didnt believe it was me who initiated the oral sex. I thought she was going to turn my dad in and so since that experience I do not wish to go through that again. I appreciate you’re response to me. I was really looking to see if there were others in a similar situation. I know I can’t be the only one. Sigh……
Jennifer
Hi, Jennifer.
I believe you.
Have you read “When Rabbit Howls” by Truddhi Chase? Truddhi’s step-father sexually abused Truddhi throughout her childhood. When Truddhi was still a kid (I can’t remember how old — maybe 10??), she was visiting with her biological father and felt a lot of love for him (he was not abusive). She initiated sexual contact with him as a way of saying, “I love you,” because she had no other frame of reference for conveying this message. This completely freaked out her father, who had never touched her. However, from Truddhi’s perspective, it was the only way she knew to say, “I love you.”
Perhaps you have been through something similar — that someone else (not your father) harmed you, and these feelings you have toward your father are because he is safe, and you simply don’t know another way to express this. I am speaking from a subconscious level. It is something that you might want to explore.
Please don’t give up on therapy. Not every therapist will have the same reaction.
– Faith
Hi, i have read the comments on this forum. I’m female, i have never been sexually abused and still something bothers me and makes me think i’m a sick person cause i don’t understand it. I will explain this. Ever since i’m a child i have been sexually attracted to my male cousin who has the same age as i have. I have even been in love with him for years and i think he has been in love with me too. This was during our childhood and teenage years, lets say the age of 8 till 16 something like that. I think during those years he has been sexually attracted to me too. Our relationship has always been platonic but still every time we were together there was a sexual tension in the air. Now we are grown ups and he has a girlfriend but still i think if he would initiate sex with me i would willingly go along with that and i still fantasize sometimes about seducing him. I feel like a freak. I’m wondering what’s wrong with me?
Hi, Cunfused.
I am not trying to tell you about your own situation because I don’t know what you have been through. I can tell you from personal experience that you can go through decades of your life with no conscious memories of having been sexually abused. When this happens, your actions and reactions do not appear to make any sense. However, once you begin healing, you see your life through a different lens, and these “odd” things about yourself make complete sense.
I would talk with a therapist about how you are feeling. In my opinion, everyone on the planet could use a good therapist because we have all been through painful experiences whether or not we were abused.
– Faith
[…] The busiest day of the year was December 6th with 1 views. The most popular post that day was Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse. […]
Dear Faith,
I would really appreciate your response to this.
Although I have no memory of any sexual abuse, I felt at a very young age that I had been abused. Long story short, I have all of the symptoms, my psychiatrist of 10+ years is certain I was abused (though she never made such a suggestion and it was only discussed after I brought it up–in 5th grade I think), and anyone close to me also agrees. Sometimes I doubt that I was abused and wonder if I made it up in my head for some absurd reason, but there is simply no other explanation for the slew of symptoms I have–and have had since a very young age. So that’s my background, but it is not the reason that I’m writing you. I’m writing you because I don’t know how to understand the following:
Whenever I see a scene of sexual abuse–whether it’s a rape scene in a movie or a comical rendition in a comedy show–or remember such a scene and visualize it in my mind, I get a sensation in my vagina that is just like arousal, and sometimes I even become wet. However, I am NOT enjoying watching this scene or remembering these scenes, and yet this feeling comes on. For instance, about 20 minutes ago I suddenly remembered (and visualized) a scene from a comedy show where a doctor takes advantage of a male patient. I was thinking about how I didn’t like watching that, how it bothered me, was disgusting, and how I didn’t even find it funny, when suddenly, I began to become aroused; this feeling was centered only in my vagina, and even got to the point of becoming wet.
Needless to say, this event, and the other times it has happened, was and is very disturbing and upsetting for me. I feel like I must be messed up in some way, like I’m sexually aroused by what I find disgusting and hateful, like I’m sexually perverted. When I told my psychiatrist about this phenomena, she said that it was simply the result of being conditioned by the sexual abuse. This makes sense I guess, but part of me is afraid that this isn’t true because I feel so guilty and terrible when it happens. I would talk to my doctor again, but I’ve moved states, and so am looking for someone new.
Possibly related is the fact that sometimes when I’m trying to become aroused–in a normal situation–my vagina will contract so violently that it hurts. This is prior to any penetration. I mentioned this to my OBGYN and he didn’t seem to think anything of it, though I have asked other women and have not met anyone else with a similar situation.
If you have any insight into this, that is, if you think it means I’m sexually perverted or if it is indeed a result of being conditioned to associate disgust and dislike with arousal, please let me know as soon as possible.
P.s.: Thank you for providing a forum like this.
Hi, Distressed.
What you describe sounds completely normal for a survivor of sexual abuse. Like you, I sometimes find my body feeling aroused by perverted things like a rape scene. In fact, for years before recovering any memories of the sexual abuse, the fastest way to arouse myself during sex was to visualize a reenactment of the abuse I suffered, such as imagining a bunch of people watching. However, my body seems to “fight” normal loving sex with my husband. He has even commented that it sometimes feels like my body is “fighting” him during sex even though I have consented to it.
I was also shocked to find myself aroused watching a movie when a man was reading a newspaper while a woman straddled him during sex. (This was supposed to be a comedy.) I now recognize that I do not subconsciously equate emotional attachment with the physical act of intercourse. In my head, it is much more arousing to be viewed as a piece of furniture provided in the bedroom — having sex with me is no different from choosing to turn on the TV or listen to the radio. All of the emotional things that are supposed to arouse me simply don’t. I am still trying to unravel all of the emotional damage caused by the sexual abuse that continues to affect my sexually. :0(
– Faith
Test comment. Seeing if it goes through b4 I post my story..
Hi, Jamie.
All readers’ first posts go to a moderator’s queue so I can filter out inappropriate comments. As you can imagine, the topics I write about attract some people who want to upset child abuse survivors. :0(
– Faith
*** triggers***
this may come off very gross, but i have to get this out. when i masturbate, i always think of my dad and it works every time for me!! .This peculiar story, -that im about to share-, is between my dad and I. my encounter with my dad took place when I was 14. at 14, i was masturbating almost ever day to every other day. One of these days, I wanted to try a new method, instead of just my fingers, so i remembered there were hotdogs in the fridge..and went to use one on me. Not being too smart, i was careless, and a piece of the hotdog broke off and became lodged up in me. i tried removing it out of me but it was too deep, and i became scared, not sure what would happen if i just left it up in me. infections, worse..i didnt know then.. i repeatedly attempted to remove it, and after around 2 hrs later, i mustered up the courage to tell my dad. i was so embarrassed, so ashamed!! he mentioned we make an appt to ob gyn but i didnt want anyone else knowing this! Since id already told my dad and he now knew, i asked him if he could just hurry and try to remove it out of me. he finally said he would. I undressed my bottom half, he had me sit on the couch, He had never seen this part of my anatomy b4, so i was so very nervous, as i opened up my legs, totally exposed. he knew i was uncomfy but told me to relax. i did start to relax the second he squirted some warmed up babyoil on my crotch. he began to touch me in places, and i feel so ashamed writing this stuff now, but i was in a prompted up position and could see my vagina and his contacts with it. i hope to this day he didnt notice i was enjoying what he did. i think he had to have known! my clit was doing this twitching, and i was getting wet. i about went insane with pleasure when he pushed down on my clit with his finger, so i was getting a better view. anyway he started w/ one finger, but struggled to remove to piece of hotdog, then he inserted two. i was a virgin and it was the most ive had up in me, long story shorter, id say a good hour and a half (guesstimate) he finally managed to remove all of the pieces of hotdog outta me, but in that process, i did cum, and he had to have known it cause the climax goo was on his fingers when he pulled them out. It felt amazing, but i can never admit this to him or anyone. there were 2 other times i sabotaged myself after this, just to get him to do this to me again. i think he knew what i was doing, and wouldnt do it any further.
3 mos. after this, i saw him in his bedroom watching porn, and laying down in his bed and he had an erection. i got undressed before going into his room, and he almost freaked when he saw me, and even moreso, as i was hopping up onto him, beginning to insert him up in me.. once i had him penetrated in me, he finally didnt try to stop me he didnt move, and let me finish on him until he climaxed. i had sexual intercourse with him about 7 times this after this. he was the one ive gained the most pleasure from. im not sure if it was that he was so well endowed, but i still masturbate thinking of him. now, i just feel incredibly nuts for doing what i did w/ him, but i dont feel regret. just want to know why i would be at the most intimate level with my own father. i dont know of anyone else with similar stories, I feel messed up in the head wondering if theres something terribly wrong with me. my dad passed on a yr ago to cancer, btw. i still love and miss him very much.
Hi, Jamie.
I added a trigger warning to your comment because some of what you wrote might triggers others. You did nothing “wrong” — this is to let others know to proceed with caution if they are in a bad place.
Have you ever talked with a therapist about all of this? It sounds like you don’t regret any of this but, at the same time, you feel “messed up in the head” over it. It might be worth talking with a therapist about this to sort it all out.
– Faith
Hi Faith, wonderring if i am causing myself unnecessary pain? I used to go to my nan and pops place every weekend just like my cousin. it started when i was 12 and she was 8, and lasted about 5 years. My grandparents had us sleep in the same bed and also bath together to save on bathwater, so we saw each other naked from as far back as i can remember. I was very naive, and spent time with my family only outside school. It was all still normal until we found a ‘blue’ movie (xxx) of my pops and watched it when nobody was around. We decided to try it and do sex. And it worked and i orgasmed for the first time. I told her no more, it was an experiment and thats all, but every day after that she wanted more, seeing no harm in it ,we continued. My nan even caught us on many occasions and turned a blind eye to it. It lasted until i learnt sexual education in school, then i stopped it straight away. It hurt like hell when i found out cousins couldn’t marry. I had to refuse her about 100 times i would say over the next 6 months and was proud that i was able to stop. However ,when she became an adult at 18, i asked if she was able to lead a normal life after it, because if not, then i would have to commit suicide, i couldnt bear it if i knew she was adversely affected by it. She said she had no problems whatsoever and would not talk about it after that. I never really knew if she was telling me the truth, since i was very affected. after about 5 years i finally let myself get a girlfriend, i waited since i was scared that she would suddenly break down or something and i would have to die and i didnt want to hurt anyone else. i married and had a child who is now 10. I am 37 and i have not been able to orgasm with my wife at all anymore (about 2 years now) even though i love her. I cant stop thinking about my cousin and how much i loved her back then and how incredible the orgasms were back then. now i am nothing but a masturbating freak. She has turned out normal and married and had kids and every time i see her she hugs me so hard her breasts squeeze into me and i know she feels it to. why does she do this? maybe she doesnt realise? she even stood up on my wedding day and told me (in front of all) that she loves me very much. She seems either totally oblivious of what happened or she is happy and doesnt care. I on the other hand cannot forget it and seem to only want to relive that part of my sexual life. I have 2 parts to me, one half feels guilty and suicidal, the other half feels happy that i had felt such love and orgasms and want to keep reliving it all the time. It’s weird ,the older I thought I’d get, the more I would be able to forget it and move on. But its the complete opposite, its getting worse as time goes on. I think i would definately have committed suicide by now if it wasnt for my daughter who is now 10, as i am completely consumed with keeping her 100% safe and until this day apart from school, she is never out of my or my wifes sight, if i am gone than i cant protect her. however i am scared when she gets to 18 and no longer needs me, that i will commit suicide. I am going mad every day. am i going insane? i dont get help reading the stories because none of the abuse stories i’ve read ever match mine, because i was the oldest, i am the abuser, and according to me, should be dead because of it. I seem ok when others are around, but as soon as i get alone the voices get me again. all i hear is her begging for it and me having to relieve my self, then someone telling me to commit suicide. how in the hell can i ever stop this? i know i will never be able to forget it so how can i ever get better? while ever i remember it i wont be able to stop the voices. I feel so guilty as soon as i orgasm and i hate myself. why didnt i stop it sooner? why am i the only one affected? why didnt my nan stop it? why am i 37 and still affected by this? what is wrong with me? am i consumed by the devil? Why cant i orgasm with my wife? will i ever be able to orgasm during sex again? i feel hopeless because i am not giving her the love she deserves. I feel like i made a mistake and should have just married her regardless of being cousins, we would have made the perfect couple, and i wouldnt be having these problems now. Can you help me?
Hi, Bob.
I strongly suggest that you find a qualified therapist to work through all of these issues. The word “should” does not apply to how we feel. Regardless of how you “should” be feeling about your history, you feel very conflicted, and that conflict is spilling over into your adult life and marriage. It is time to talk through what happened and heal.
I would not label you an “abuser” in this situation. You clearly did not lure your cousin in and manipulate her. Also, abusers don’t appear to feel guilty about what they have done. (Mine certainly did not show signs of feeling guilt or remorse.)
It is time to forgive yourself for the choices you made as a child. It is also time to give yourself credit for the responsible decisions you made. When you decided that what you were doing was “wrong,” you put a stop to it despite your wanting to continue. It sounds like you have repeatedly tried to do the “right” thing, and you deserve kudos for this. You sound broken up over whether you hurt your cousin, and you have done all you can to make amends (that she does not appear to want).
A good therapist is not going to judge you for your history. Instead, the therapist will guide you toward loving and accepting yourself. You don’t have to live the rest of your life in this emotional hell, and suicide is not the only way to make it all stop.
– Faith
I’m sorry for your suffering. I believe that you showed that you are a responsible person and not an abuser.
If you’re taking an anti-depressant, that could be why you can’t have an orgasm now. It happened to me and others I know.
i ve masturbated compulsively as long as i can remember. didn’t know it had anything to do w sex, just something i cdnt stop doing. always felt intense shame w orgasm. sawmyself doing it when i was 4,5,6 infront of people, wanted to scream, STOP they can see, but i didnt stop.
i coulnt ever have an orgasm w my husband unless i masturbated in exactly the same way i did when i was little. it was a bery bad thing, almost always i felt heat and rage and terror, like i was goung to suffocate. and so shameful every time, but i wanted to make my husband happy. had to be on my stomach, facing away. always thinking really bad thoughts about being held down and forced and fighting against the thoughts, which I’ve always believed to be the evil part of me trying to come out. Then one night I gave into the bad thoughts and i let myself be bad and didn’t feel scared or like a baby, and i had a real orgasm without touching myself.
and i hate myself for this weakness
My God, how horrible. Thank you so much for addressing this, Faith. God bless you.
i was 4 1/2. the 1st time i was raped by my father. it was not fondling. he was just sadistic and mean. for years i felt i had to have imagined this and that i was crazy. i did not see how a body that small could be raped/penetrated. my therapist has told me that indeed it happens and i did not imagine all the stuff i remember. i had orgasms without problem sometimes. and was forced to have them if i did not and learned to be expected to have them. the sex would interact with him causing me pain or forcing me to inflict my own pain or being humiliated or watched by another man until i would have an orgasm. i cannot still imagine tho my therapist insists it is so… that rape anally and/or vaginally can occur at such a young age and orgasms happen. it is a slow process to even walk thru these memories. can others relate to being shared sexually and watched by other men and being so young and being forced into an orgasm if it did not occur ?????? malanie
Hi, Malanie.
I have numerous memories of being raped by men as a young child while others watched.
– Faith
we lived on a lake. the first time i remember him letting someone watch he had spanked my bare bottom hard and displayed it proudly making me turn around naked for the neighbor man across the lake about 100 feet away to see. they laughed. i was mortified. neither man my father or him continued to fish but had a conversation then with mt father holding me close to him pants underwear off and me standing leaning into him sitting and he fingered me with his fist hitting into me. the man across the lake watched fascinated and both carried on a normal conversation. it wasnt long til after that day my body was shared with this neighbor outside on our hill leading to the lake. that man scared me so much. he was mean and abusive to his wife and daughters, i feared him far more than my father. he hurt me with the size he was and i was small. i was young. my father watched. and directed. and then had his final performance with his own penis and objects. the abuse with other men continued. i did not know it was even abnormal to be touched and fucked like that and shared.. until i was older. i then learned this did not happen to all girls. i then thought of myself as a whore. and acted as such with meaningless sex that hurt me and reinacted the childhood crap. i am 45 and just now having an “intimate” not based on sex AND pain intertwined. but i am terrified of what she would think of me if she knew all my “secrets” …..how do i ever feel normal. is it possible. malanie
Hi, Malanie.
My heart breaks for the little girl who was harmed so badly. My most sadistic abusers were also not family members. With family, as bad as it is, it seems like there is a limit. With non-family members, you truly don’t know if there is a limit.
Part of what made my abuse (and it sounds like yours) feel so “crazy” is because they acted like it was normal. The fact that you could be abused while two men carried on a cordial conversation showed that you were more like an inanimate object to them rather than a person. They dehumanized you.
I have been through similar dynamics and still, to this day, can climax quickly if I fantasize that I am like any other object in the room intended for the use of the occupant. I don’t let myself do this anymore because it is reenacting the abuse. I just want you to know that I “get it.”
I am so proud of you for sharing as much as you have!
– Faith
faith. i never thought of it as dehumanizing but it certainly was. i just knew at the time i always did whatever my father told me to or wanted me to do. i tried to stay a step ahead of his craziness to have some kind of control but usually that didnt work as there was no rhyme or reason or specifics about when where or how the abuse would occur. i was not safe in our home. i was not safe going places with just him or with a family vacation or outing. i was not safe on our dock or the woods next to it. i was not safe from the men he knew who would participate. my mother either turned a blind eye or was a silent partner. i do know as i think on it now that i had horrible mixed signals. my mother ignored me and i feel sold me out to my father because she favored my brother who was not as emotionallt strong and capable of handling the physical verbal critisizing and humiliating way my father could b. he would get upset and nervous and cry. i was stoic. i also learned to protect my brother at my own expense. my brother was sexually abusd but i do not think it lasted years as it did with me. i think it was just easier and much less complicated for my father to sexually abuse me and inflict pain on me and i wouldnt cry. i would tolerate it. sometimes by leaving the pain there and watching my body endure. but thru this all i think my mother knew and ignored or was a silent enabler. she replaced the many jars of vaseline which were constantly needing replinished. she let him take me alone places and wear no underware. she ignored that i created a game to injure myself. i know she knew. she just ignored it. she spent her spare time with my brother and protected him. i only remember a few hugs from her. i only remember her wanting me to go talk with father to keep him calm. he on the other hand was proud of my talants and my grades and bragged to others..but then, he treated me as you said as an inaniamate object. and shared me with others. and i cannot figure out why he derived sooooo much pleasure in hurting me with objects and the damned hairbrush shit. he even bought us a special one which was coarse and painful and it saat always on my dresser. my mother had to know.it was a grown up brush made for thick hair. not my childish thin hair. he had bought it for me as a gift wrapped and all. so i grew up not trusting either parent. trying to stay a step ahead always. and believing my mother didnt know but didnt love me. and that he did love me and hate me at the same time. there was no winning. only survival. the first memory i have of my father he kicked our dog to death and i was helpless to stop it. later that day he blamed me and raped me hairbrush handle included in that scenerio.. i think the 1st time. i was 4 1/2. i read something you had written elsewhere,faith, on the killing of a kitten. i think i must have felt he would kill me like our dog and i was as powerless to help myself as i was to have helped our dog. and i am wondering how much my mother ignored as i was that young and allowed to take a bath alone which is where the rape occured as i got out of the tub. she did not check on me or tuck me in that night. i could be wrong. but it is how i remember it. i find it odd and surreal that in my whole adult life i havent “liked” mmy mother and have felt she was needy and manipulative. but i still made sure i did what she needed. now i have basically had very little contact with her for a year and have had this crack in my memory. partly i think from being away from her constant words… and partly it has occured due to dealing with some things with my daughter that happened. not while she lived with me. she chose to live with her father for a short while and was raped by a ‘boyfriend’. then. when i was dealing with my child with her therapist a drapery cord hitting a wall flooded my bedroom back to me in sight smell and ordeal. and that opened my zoo to compete in my head for freedom to tell this crap. i always knew bits and pieces. but its like glueing a collage into a them organized carefully arranged picture. a collage is a mess. its starting to piece into whole pictures. i doubted. doubted. doubted. how could this be so horrific. being shared by men at 5 or 6. objects and torture. being asked by my father if it “hurt enough”. hell. and i do believe in hell. i think i survived it. thanku faith. im putting my pieces together and believing better thyat it happened. i feel so little. and scared and overwhelmed. but i dont feel so “crazy’ as i did before some of the pieces fell into place. i do feel at fault for much. and such anger. and anxiety. and fear. like i am vulnerable all over again. and i will lose all my self control if i allow myself to cry. malanie
Dear Melanie
I am so terribly sorry about this horrible ordeal that you went through as a little child. I wish I could have been there to help you and to tell you that you are precious and loved. How I wish we did not live in such an evil corrupted world where the innocent and vulnerable are abused. Some people really don’t deserve ot be parents.
I did not experience anything nearly as horrendous as you did, but I want to give you hope. As a young adult I was raped and almost beaten to death in 2005 by my ex boyfriend. (an unfortunate choice in boyfriends……possibly attributable to my mother getting divorced twice and me being physically and emotionally bullied by my stepfather for 10 years). As result of the trauma, I experienced PTSD for 3years and was very jumpy and on edge and carried a heaviness of heart around with me which I could do nothing about but just cried all the time. I was a bruised reed. Then in 2008 I started going to a church…I had a dream in which I was pregnant with pain and the people from my cell group were standing around me praying for me, and I was giving birth to all the pain that I was carrying inside. About 2 weeks after the dream when I was at the cell group, a guest speaker asked if anyone in the room had experienced a trauma. I kept quiet because I had never told anyone and I was ashamed. But he then just looked directly at me, and asked again: “Did you experience a trauma? Jesus wants to heal you tonight!” And they prayed for me. Almost overnight, the heaviness and despair left me, and I know that Jesus touched me and healed me of my emotional scars.
The reason why I am sharing this is because I know that Jesus loves all of the survivors who are on the forum. The bad things that happen in this world are not God’s fault…..they happen because we live in a fallen world and because people have a choice to do good or evil…..and unfortunately so many people choose to do evil. But Jesus said about the little children: (Mathew 18v6): But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and [that] he were drowned in the depth of the sea
Please don’t let the hurt cause you to distrust God or be angry with God, because God is love and He loves you. Run into His arms and let Him help you and love you and heal you. His name is Jehova Rapha, which means “Healer”. That means it is nature to heal and make us whole.
Perhaps Faith can suggest a good church or a good ministry based on sound doctrine which you can contact and which provides proper counseling and prayer….Unfortunately in my experience there are even churches who hurt people as well so one needs to be careful where one goes! – When the incident happened to me initially I went to speak to a pastor at another church and she just said “well can you see how you brought this all on yourself?!!” SO needless to say, that was definitely an example of bad ministry!! I know of some good ministries but I am not sure if I am allowed to mention them here?? One of them can be found at http://www.ccipublishing.net/home….they are in the USA…you can phone or email for prayer if you want and maybe get some advice about a good church in your area. The minsitry is run by a married couple so you can even receive help from someone your own gender. I am based in South Aifrca so I don’t know about that many ministries overseas. I wish I could do so much more to help. I wish I could go and rescue all those little children who are stuck in those awful situations.
With much Love …
I fell in love with a woman who had repressed childhood sexual abuse until she was 38 years old, however, it all surfaced in short order.
In retrospect I saw the signs of her struggling with intimacy and sexual feelings…what was good, or bad. I was ignorant to her inner plight which included depression along with DID. It was so sad for me because I never loved someone so much, and it just all crashed. Life became so difficult with her, and it became difficult for me deal with her and to trust her. She made no sense, she had difficulty remembering, and a host of other issues which I could not comprehend.
She recieved professional help, and shortly thereafter she ended our relationship. She did blame me for her problems after her intense therapy, and we hadn’t spoken for 2 years.
Recently we spoke, she is making progress, but I can see it will be a lifetime struggle for her, and whichever man may be in her life. She is so put together on the outside, but inside is another story, and it is so sad. Your comments would be appreciated. Thanks
Hi, Teddy.
I agree that the situation is sad. I am glad to hear that she is getting professional help. Sometimes people who are healing from severe trauma need to focus solely on their healing and cannot handle the intricacies of a relationship while they do this. I am sorry that she blamed you for her issues, but it sounds promising that she has been in contact recently.
– Faith
i used to go to my best friends when i was 13 and her grandad started asking me questions, like have you kissed a boy and are you a virgin, i didn’t think anything of it. One time i went round and my friend wasn’t there but he said come in and wait, then he asked me if i wanted i drink and me being a teenager said yes and he gave me a glass of whisky, then he said go and lie on the bed cos i was feeling a bit drunk he said it would make me feel better, so i did then he came in and put his hand down my pants and said does that feel nice i said no(but it did)he said it should feel like a tickle in my tummy and he carried on. i knew it was wrong but it felt nice and worst of all that makes me feel really bad about what happened was that he gave me money afterwards and told me not to say anything. This carried on till i was 15 then i couldn’t cope anymore and fell out with my best friend just so i wouldn’t have to go round her house anymore. I met up with my friend 2 years later when i was pregnant with my first child and she told me that she was pregnant at 16 and had to get rid of it, i said why and she told me because it was her grandad’s and he had been abusing her since she was 8 years old. I think she must have known it was happening to me aswell cos she said no-one beleived her and she needed someone else to come forward, but i just played dumb as if i didn’t know what she was going on about and he ended up getting away with it, and now 20 years on i still feel really bad about it and it makes me feel sick what he did to me and my friend, and i wish i had said something i just didn’t want my family to know that something like that happened to me. this is the first time i have ever spoke about this to anyone.
Hi, Jen.
I am glad you felt comfortable enough to share your story here. I am so sorry for all that both you and your friend went through.
– Faith
** sexual abuse triggers **
reading all this has helped me gain some insight and also know that one is never alone. I am 20, female and for the past few days I have been bothered by what happened to me.
it started when was 4 I think. I was at my grans house and my aunt( who was about 11/12 I think) at the time called me into the room. she told me to lie down and lifted my dress. I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was giving me a good time or something to that effect. she took my panties off, sat on top of me and rubbed her genitals against mine. it felt good. I had a tingling sensation down there but I knew it was wrong. why was she checking to see if someone was coming? of course it was wrong.
at home I blurted out that she had raped me- not that I knew what I was talking about, to my parents who just ignored me.
then there was the time when I was 5/6 I think, my grans house, again terror struck. (my uncle, he was about 17. I really was fond of him. he would buy me sweets and play with me. a really cool guy.) whilst my mother, gran my brother and me sat in the lounge. he got up and called me to his room. then the electricity went off. so he lit a candle. then he told me to lie on his bed and took my bottoms off. I didnt say anything nor did I protest. then he told me to spread my legs apart and he penetrated me. kissing me and fondling me. i didnt prortest. i kissed him back. I dont know why. but i didnt enjoy it as such… it hurt. but I felt a tingling sensation. the pain lasted for weeks on end and I would pray every night that God give me back my virginity.
typical rape story huh? but it was bizarre… my twin brother was in the same room playing with a toy car. he even asked my uncle what he was doing to me and he replied that he was playing with me. even worse he stopped once and turned around to tell my brother to stop playing with the candle, pants down genitals out and everything, only to return to what he was doing.
I never said a word of this and I dont know if my brother remembers. but my mother knew because I screamed in agony whilst she was washing me… something had to be wrong.
the story has so many twists, i wouldnt want to take up too much space on this forum but I attempted suicide at 17. I was just going crazy and was anorexic and had moved to SA where these kinds of things are constantly in the news. that is when I told my parents in the ICU about the incident at 6 but not my brother. I dont know how to tell him.
I feel bad also because I feel like my uncle was not guilty since I “ënjoyed it”.I dont remember having an orgasm but an unusual sensation that I wanted to have again. but I remember going back to him and hoping he would do it again. i was a very sexualised child. everyday coming home and playing husband and wife naked with the girl next door. sometimes I tried it on my brother who just didnt get it. and a cousin too… I even tried getting the gardener to “play with me”
I went to a psychologist after the suicide attempt but I never told her any detail. in fact it was a waste of my time. its the detail of the incidents that bothers me the most. I had done a good job of shoving it at the back of my memory even now I am so removed from it. but I am addicted to masturbating which puts me to sleep which is messed up. and it doesnt help that my dad has a huge porn stash(addict) which I discovered at 13 and have been masturbating since then. I am reckless with my self. I have had sex with people (though not many- just 3) I normally would not have had I been normal I figure. and also I fantasize about women too maybe due to the first incident. I find it hard to say no. I just dint know how to.
I dont enjoy sex and in most incidents my body wouldnt be ready for it. it hasnt made me “cum”. i dont know if I ever will.
this is the first time divulging this but also I dint know how to fix myself. I feel like a disgusting individual who would best be dead, i have low self-esteem and i hate myself.
Around the age of 7-8 my best friend was a boy close in age. I was a loner child I guess, I had secrets and not many friends. In the third grade his father was my teacher. I spent overnights there sometimes, Just a typical childhood. One night my friend was being disciplined for some misbehavior. I overheard the punishment from another room while laying under the covers of the shared bed in his room. I never heard anything like that before and it had a huge impact on me.
He came back to the bedroom and I felt bad for him and embarrassed at the same time. I asked him about what happened and all he said was he got a spanking.
This happened more than once and I found myself increasingly effected by it. I found myself at home alone, espesially at night, thinking about these episodes. I began remembering my own father from a few years back.
I had memories of my father spanking me a few years before and I admit I missed those times mixed with warmth and love and closeness. I wanted to feel that again maybe. I craved a father or a male figure in my life. I even missed the firm male guidance which included being physically punished.
Being my teacher he could and did keep me behind for misbehavior and whatever. I was affraid but on some level wanted the male adult power over me, though he never laid a hand on me, it kept me in line.
The subject of “spanking” came up at my house when my friend was to stay overnight. My mum and my friends father had the talk. The talk about discipline away from home and he flat out told my mother that she should spank as if he were her own. Thats when he found out I wasnt punished in that way. Thats when he suggested maybe thats what I needed. She hasnt been spanked since her father…
What Ill never understand is how my mum, a sort of anti-spanker got sold on the idea of spanking. But heres the thing, it wasnt me that she decided to spank, it was my friend. I have no idea what he had done wrong its so long ago but I remember hearing it. It was hand on skin just how she was instructed to do it. That was the beginning of a spanking obsession in my childhood. I didnt know what I was doing or why it felt so good but overhering that and knowing what was happening I was masturbating. I beleive these were my first orgasms and the root of a long and shameful spanking fetish.
Mum didnt spank me but on more than one occasion I overheard her punishing my friend in this way and I remember bathing before bed and seeing the redness of his bottom. My first orgasms were mired in this twisted weird childhood punishment thing. Though probably where S&M comes from, I dont have that desire. I do have the permanent desire to be a little girl and spanked over a mans knee bare bottom. I masturbate to that fantasy still. It really messed up my sexual map.
Let me add..my mum didnt spank me..but my teacher did. Maybe Ill add more later…
I have much older sisters who were molested by my father. One well into adulthood. Another offering herself to him as an adult, to which he accepted. I was raised basically as an only child. He had anger issues and severe mental problems that he was finally able to get help for while I was still young. I have no recollection of him abusing me, but three very vague memories of times he may have wanted to and backed out, or I just don’t recall. My sisters insist I just don’t remember. When everything came out, we talked about it often (my father and I) and he swore he never did and admitted it was mostly because he was preoccupied by an older sister and then got help. However, like I mentioned , one sister engaged in oral sex (offered it to him) and she claimed he accepted. This was long after he had got help for his mental issues. The sister he was closest to doesn’t believe it happened.
I am in my late 40’s and have a normal sex life with my husband. When I was younger, I was very sexual. Two things that bother me, about 1 in 5 times during sex, I fantasize about molesting very young girls. I is always of me being a male or with a male. I told my husband about it once, and he was creeped out pretty bad. Second, I often get actually angry at the site of certain kids on TV/online. It’s like a disgusted feeling. My father would often behave as if certain children disgusted him. I should add that after his death, we found out that he was horribly abused as a child by his father and other close family members. So, I have my own children and have never abused them or felt that anger towards them when they were little. I have never abused any child or felt that anger at a “real” child. I have never had sexual feelings for a real child, only some faceless image in my head. I believe I know why I have the fantasies, even if I wasn’t molested, I grew up around it…but never saw anything. I can’t find anything online about the anger thing and right now, I can’t talk to a counselor about it, and it bothers me. It is usually girls. Have you heard of this? Thank you for such a valuable site.
Hi, Curie.
I respond to your question as a blog entry on Monday. :0)
– Faith
I decided to write because I think you know so much more about dissociative disorders than so many sites on the internet. In my childhood I experienced abadonment, constant verbal, emotional and physical abuse. However, I do not remember any sexual abuse. I am 37 years old and I can honestly say I have never enjoyed sex or experienced any pleasure from it. But recently (last six months) or so, I have started having screaming orgasms with my husband but I physically cannot feel a thing. I am just watching myself react and make all these noises and I am just astounded and amazed. Any thoughts on this.
Hi, Monique.
It sounds like you are continuing to stay dissociated from sex, which is a red flag for possible childhood sexual abuse. Have you talked with a therapist about this? A good therapist can help you work through why you are dissociating from your body during sex like this.
– Faith
I come from a large family, a half brother, 2 brothers and 3 sisters. Our dad worked for the Army Corp of Engineers and was gone for most of my chilhood. It seems he only came back home to get my mom pregnant again. My oldest half-brother lived with us and had custody of his 2 boys. He worked long hours as a coalminer, and we kids always had to babysit for him, especially when he worked 3rd shift. He and his boys lived in the attic apartment. My next older brother was 15 months older than me and we were very close. One night the 2 of us were babysitting the boys and TJ found our oldest brother’s stash of porn tapes. I think we were 11 and 12 at the time. We started watching the porn and got incredibly aroused. He got an erection and started masturbating in front of me. I didn’t know what to do and got so frustrated that I started crying. He quit touching himself and asked what was wrong. I told him I felt so “funny” down there and it wouldn’t go away and I didn’t know what to do. He asked me to pull my pants down and did things to me like what we were watching. I can’t even count the orgasms we both had that night. We knew it was wrong, and we didn’t care. After that, we tried to find excuses for being alone together so we could do it again. After awhile I think my older brother figured out we had gotten into his porn stash because he would only let my older sister stay up there all night and watch them. But he never said a word to us.
This went on for years and years.. When he got a girlfriend, I hated her and was so jealous that they broke up. I would date his friends just to make him crazy, but I only had sex with my brother. I moved down South and got married and a year later my brother moved down too and in with my husband and me. My husband had a shrimp boat and we would go out into the Gulf for days at a time shrimping. My brother came too and we all got drunk and had a 3some. This ultimately broke up my marriage. My husband took our twin girls and left before Hurricane Katrina hit. My brother stayed at the house with me, then we heard the storm was going toward Biloxi where he had his boat, so he left to secure it and in the aftermath of the storm I was gangraped by 3 men for 2 days. When my brother finally made it back I was beaten and bruised and almost catatonic. He took care of me and nursed me back to what passes for normal in my life. I hate what we do but yet we still do it.
I think some of my family knows because of the way they act around us. But a word is never mentioned.
I hate myself for loving my brother. I cannot hate him, though.
I don’t have much to say, Shana, but that I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. Your story really moved me. I understand, I think. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I wish I had some advice for you on how to move forward. You might find some on Isurvive.org as they seem to talk about all topics on there. Best of luck to you.
Faith,
I have been reading this post over and over for the past few months. My counselor gave it to me when I whispered how it didn’t feel bad. It is the first time someone explained to me what happened. I was 3 and it was the baby-sitter’s teenage son. It has helped to put a name on it.
The problem I have is that I still feel so responsible. If I had had better control of my own body, I think that I wouldn’t feel that I am to blame. How did you come to view that you weren’t responsible for what happened? What steps did you take?
Recently I had the thought that if I wasn’t responsible, then I had no control. While I think that this was true, I am terrified by the thought and would rather hang on to my supposed responsibility that feel out of control. How do I live with the idea that I had no control with the situation?
Kuma
Hi, I’ve never posted on this and as i do it its like my body just shakes with fear,, I’ve always felt so ashamed of my body in a sexual. I’m trying to figure out if I was a wierd perverted kid or not. I don’t have any memories of sexual abuse at all, but when i was a kid around 5 and on trough probably 10 years old i was obssesed with sex and masterbated but i didn’t really know what it was but i would always imagine another man. I also knew about rape and would have terrifying memories of being violated in odd and different ways. I’ve been in thearapy before but now i lost my thearapist when i moved but i have never said this to anybody. I remember always masterbating and it felt good but i was so ashamed, and sometimes I would do it so it would be painful (with pins and such) just so i wouldn’t enjoy it. I feel sick to my stomach right now, and i find that rape sometimes turns me on, and am fascinated with it. but I’ve never seen porn until a month ago because of friends because I thought it was dirty, and i’ve always associated it with a bad thing as well as masterbation. I feel like there is something wrong with me i don’t remember learning about actual see like the science of it until health class it was never something you talked about in my family. I am just trying to figure out if I really was this horrible dirty child or not I don’t know why i have such a horrible mind….I know that I spent a lot of times in hospitals and a lot of time under anastesia and such and now it makes me wonder. I don’t really know what i should be saying i know that my mother was mentally abusive and i was raped a year ago by my neighbor. I feel damaged if anybody knows anything that could help me figure this out.
Hi, Kat.
Masturbation like you describe between the ages of five and ten is a huge red flag for sexual abuse. It is common for sexual abuse survivors whose abuse started before age six to repress the memories. I had no memories of my sexual abuse until my mid-thirties. The abuse started when I was a toddler and happened regularly until age 11 and still additional rapes through age 19. I didn’t even remember the rapes my teens — I had the ability to repress them.
– Faith
thank you……..i just read this….and i just feel like i just now need to figure out how to just digest this i guess…….I am so sorry about what happened to you…….
I need help my boyfriend read this last night and now i feel so hopeless that our whole relationship will fall apart……i don’t want it too but i don’t know how to explain my feelings to him in the right way. I lied to him before about this stuff and said i never masterbated as a kid and i don’t like rape. I don’t like it it terrifies me and i have such a visual mind that its unbearable. He now thinks that I now want to sleep with other guys and that i will intentionally put myself in these situations. And i told him that i got off when i got raped last year by a perverted asshole, i was crying the whole time, but my body still got ff and betrayed me. The worst part is that I actually went back to him (my parents had not been talking to me and i was in deep depression at the time) and my neighbor was really nicce after that promising he wouldn’t do it again. But then he would call me a slut and whore and say that i was the worst he ever had, and that this was all i was good for anymore. My boyfriend told me now that it wasn’t rape, because i went back and i got-off, so i now feel like a horrible slut. I feel so depressed I just want to huddle in my closet and die. I told him about how i imagine rape in my head and it turns me on in this wierd way, but in my head I am always screaming for help and crying and all i can think of is pain, I’ve always thought sex was supposed to horribly painful and when i found out it wasn’t with my first serious boyfriend I was confused by it. I don’t know what to do this the first time this has ever come out and now i regret I feel like I would rather deal with my horrifying nightmares than have to experience this. I love my boyfriend so much and I never want to hurt him, and I wish I didn’t lie about this stuff because he is open about everything…..and i just wish he didn’t think that now I’m going to cheat on him and our relationship is doomed to fail His last girlfriend scarred him so bad and i can understand but how can i prove to him that i’m not one of those girls. I regret ever saying anything I feel so disgusted with myself. I wish i could explain to him that i don’t fantasize about other guys when we have sex, and that he does get me like nobody else can. I love him and its what i want, I want a carrying boyfriend who loves me and where i am ot tortured by pain. I have been abused too many times in my life and already have ptsd, depression, anxiety, anorexia, panic disorder, ocd, asberger’s, and a whole other battle of just medical problems. I’ve tried to kill myself 10 times starting around 10years old, cutting, burning, pills. I’ve always felt so broken in my life and now that i’m on my own away from my parents I’ve started to recollect myself together and don’t have these feelings as strongly anymore. Please somebody help me I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to fight with my love, it hurts to much to bear. I just want to prove to him that I may lie about stuff like this because I don’t even want to admit it to myself…..it scares me to much to think about it. I just no longer know how i’m supposed to feel. Ive imagined to much and he mentioned about our creepy neighbor and i imagined hiim taking advantage of me (this is a new one) but i’m terrifyed of him and keep a range of kitchen knives all around our apartment. I don’t ever want it to happen, and everytime i think about rape i just want to cry i feel like i lost a battle and that i am to blame for it. I’m just starting to think I really am just a fucked up person……I don’t have worth anymore, I want to and I try but its just out of reach. I just need to find a way to explain this too him i can’t lose him, I just couldn’t…………and please someone tell if i was raped or if I am a godforsaken whore. My neighbor also took advantage of my friend who was 15 by just showing up on her prorch and now my man thins i stopped being with him beause i was jealous. I deon’t have much self worth and had even less at the time, but I just felt the need to protect my friend if no one else, I cry for everyone on here, the pain that people go through and feel they should never deserve a fate such as this but in turn i do deserve it. I wish i had my counselor so i could talk about this and get to the root and it just seems now that i’m curious about my past but the deeper i look the more likely i will fall apart, but at the same time the madness that i keep head I know will destroy later down the road. Please somebody help me.
Kat, take some deep breaths, you can get through this in time and be happy.
First, “my boyfriend told me now that it wasn’t rape”. Your boyfriend doesn’t get a say as to what your experience was or wasn’t. He is entitled to make sense of what happened as best he can, and it’s natural that he would be confused and in pain. However, just because you “went back” and climaxed, does not mean that you weren’t raped, or, if the term makes more sense to you, sexually abused. Sexual abuse is a handy catch-all term that can apply to adults’ treatment of other adults as much as it does to children. It sounds to me that you have a lot of self-destructive feelings around sex, as a lot of survivors do, as Faith said, it’s a huge red-flag. If something makes you feel that bad, something is wrong, regardless of whether there is “good” stuff mixed in with it.
Second, it’s great that you don’t think about killing yourself so much any more. That’s not a small thing, that’s great progress, as is a growing determination to face the past.
Third, you are not a whore or a slut. Women who sleep around or who take money for sex have their own reasons for doing so. If they hurt someone in the process obviously that’s not good, but condemning someone for ever, considering them to be tainted because of their past sexual experiences is not helpful to anyone. Plenty, possibly most, victims feel dirty and polluted at some stage, and while that is a valid emotional response, it is not true.
Fourth, as this blog is full of survivors with their own issues, quite often readers run out of energy for anything more than keeping themselves alive for the present. If you find no-one replying to you, don’t panic, it doesn’t mean no-one cares. A more reliable source of support may be the forum at isurvive.org. which is very friendly and non-judgemental, or a crisis line where you can talk anytime. Perhaps someone in the same part of the world as you are can recommend one or maybe googling your country plus “crisis line” or “phone counseling” might give you some results.
I should just add, in my third point, of course I refer to men too, it’s just that those perjoratives tend not to be applied very often to men who sleep around or are paid for sex.
Just wanted to thank you for this article. After 15 years of being a bit screwed up over the fact that I did orgasm during the sexual abuse that I suffered; reading this article, I have finally discovered that I am not alone and I understand a bit more how little control I had over this. I never mentioned the orgasm to a professional because i thought they would assume it was a sign that I was enjoying the sexual encounters. I’ve been haunted ever since with images and emotions of what happened every time I even come close to orgasm. Now that I know it’s not uncommon I might be brave enough to talk about the problem and I might actually be able to do something about it!
thanks again!
Rape is not sex. This post makes ne want to vomit.
Hi, Blue and all.
Is there still a comment showing that equates rape with sex? I have been on hiatus and thought I had deleted the upsetting comment. Please let me know if one is still there. I will either delete it or add a trigger warning.
– Faith
it appears bob’s response has been deleted.
don’t know if he was serious, a result of what he observed of his mother, or found this site and decided to have some fun at the expense of the victims on this site.
if he was serious, an indication that he actually observed or knew something happened to his mother, it would explain why he was talked into having sex with a old woman.
and his viewpoint that the victims on this site weren’t victims of sexual abuse, but rather people who happened to have an unpleasant sexual experience.
either way, he has problems.
*** sexual abuse triggers
To this day I still feel a lot of guilt over what happened when I was 13 years old. A lot of people say its their fault when its really not, but in my case its different. What happened really is my fault, that’s a fact. I went to spend the summer with my uncle who was 44 at the time and very successful and had a home on the beach. It had been several years since I’d seen him since he travelled all over the world for his job. I was supposed to go with my brother, but he got a girlfriend and didn’t want to leave her for the summer so it ended up being just me who went to stay with my uncle. I remember thinking when I saw him how handsome he was, and he seemed surprised when he saw me and commented on how much I had grown and how I was a young lady now. I guess he was still expecting a kid, but by this time I had breasts and everything. I remember always seeing him with these pretty ladies growing up and I guess I wanted that kind of attention from him as well. I thought it was cute to walk around the house half naked in front of him, in my bikini and stuff like that. I noticed he would look at me unintentionally and then look away. A few times I’d hug him for long periods of time and feel him become erect, and he’d push me away in embarrassment. This is why I blame myself, because I intentionally did stupid stuff like this to tease him. I wanted him to look.
Then when I was hanging out with other boys who wanted to be my boyfriend he’d scare them away, warning me about guys only wanting one thing. I would get angry and say I didn’t want to spend the summer alone, so he’d make an effort to spend more time with me even ignoring his lady friends. I hated those other women and didn’t want them around. As a result we started to spend a lot of time together walking on the beach and making meals. I would cook for him and pretend in my head that I was his wife. I caught him masturbating once in the shower and it turned me on. Tensions were building up and he was about to send me home, and I cried and told him he didn’t love me anymore so he let me stay.
One night we were watching TV on the couch and I did my normal routine, wearing a tight t shirt with no bra and little shorts. I’ve never told anyone this but we were laughing and joking and I jumped on his lap and started pretending I was doing what the couple on TV were doing like saying oh and ahh and making kiss noises. He asked me what are you doing? Then I noticed his erection and the way he was looking at me. I asked him if I was pretty and he said yes you’re beautiful. And I kissed him. He kissed me back and said we have to stop. But I wouldn’t get off of him. He had on some loose shorts and I reached into his pants and felt his penis. Then he just flipped me over and ripped off my shorts. There was a moment when I wanted him to stop but I felt like I’d gone past the point of no return and couldn’t act like a little girl now. Before I could catch my breath he was pushing himself inside of me. It all happened so fast. We had sex. I didn’t orgasm that first time as I remember it being very painful and I was in shock. All I remember is looking at my uncle moaning and cumming inside of me and thinking this cannot be happening. The couch was wet and I just sat there forever until he finally told me to go shower. But after that we pretty much had sex all summer long and it was consensual. He would perform oral sex on me and I would always cum. And I would instigate our encounters a lot of the time.
By the time I went back home I was pregnant. I lied to my parents and told them that I got pregnant by a local boy, but they suspected something. I had an abortion. My dad and his brothers relationship was never the same. My dad blamed my uncle for ruining me, I left home an innocent virgin and returned a pregnant teen slut. I was never allowed to visit my uncle again, which ripped my heart out as I was deeply in love with him.
My uncle is a good man and had I never done what I did I know the incest between us would never have happened. He would have NEVER made the first move. He was not a deviant who went around molesting girls. I monopolized his time and seduced him… intentionally. I’m a horrible person. Family reunions, weddings, funerals, you name it, everything is so messed up. Its sad. Everyone whispers about the deep, dark secret in the family. As for me and my relationships, no one compared to my uncle for a very long time, I’m not sure if anyone really ever has. I’m really only attracted to older men, the kind that will care for me like my uncle did all those years ago. I’ll live with this guilt forever like I’ve been for the last 19 years, this will always haunt me. I think about our baby I killed, the good man I corrupted, the family I destroyed. Nobody in my family was ever the same after that summer.
Hi, Emily.
Have you talked with a therapist about all of this? It sounds like you are in a lot of pain over this.
An adult is ALWAYS responsible for sexual contact between an adult and a minor. If he could not resist the advances of a 13-year-old girl, then he could have sent you home.
I know that in your recall of the events, you were irresistible to him — that’s normal. We all think about ourselves that way in memory — that we were “so old” and “so sophisticated” when, in reality, we were gawky kids. However, look at what a 13-year-old, 8th grade girl’s body looks like, and look at her demeanor. You didn’t have the life experience to be an irresistible seductress. That comes with time and experience.
– Faith
I can so relate to what everyone is saying here. I’m 16 and I’m so sick that I felt the pleasure of an orgasm when I was so against what was happening to me. I even went back to the same person again just so I could feel it again. Its like the orgasm was addictive or something. I feel so sick about it.
If you get raped and it’s a terrifying experience, then it’s wrong. It’s still OK if you have sexual feelnigs or an orgasm. That’s natural. It’s not your fault that you were raped, and I hope you (and others) can learn that it wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t feel guilty.
*** could trigger ***
Faith’s note — I debated about whether to let the second paragraph stay. Because someone has replied to it, I’ll leave it. I’ll go on record saying that I completely disagree. It is NEVER OK for an adult to initiate sexual contact with a child. This is a blog for healing from child abuse, not a place for debating this topic, so please do not begin a debate, or I will delete the comments.
If you were sexually stimulated as a child and you liked it until someone told you it was wrong, the most wrong person in this scene is the person who told you it was wrong. There are cultures in which this is the norm: Children are introduced to sex by adults. Sex feels good. If you didn’t feel guilty about it before, please don’t fall into the trap set by overly zealous anti-sex people, who would like everyone to feel guilty about sex.
What if you liked and hated it at the same time? What if you concentrated on the orgasms to convince yourself it was ok when really it wasn’t? What if someone else saying it was wrong was the first time you felt it was ok to admit to yourself how much it hurt?
Also, are there any specific examples of cultures where children are introduced to sex by adults? I’ve heard of ones (in Indonesia or New Guinea if memory serves) where adults do not interfere in sexual activity between children, but not ones where adults having sex with children is the norm (bar the early-teen marriages in medieval Europe, but that’s not quite the same thing).
The above sounds more annoyed and defensive than it’s supposed to; I am genuinely curious. I just can’t think of another way to put it.
Jan,
your question about cultures, many places in Africa, the girl is married between ages 11 and 15 to fully grown men usually, and usually he has many other wives. The family usually picks the husband for their daughter based on his best offer to them which generally would be live stock, or riches. To Americans this basically seems like the family is auctioning off their kid, the truth is thats how they survived, the more kids especially girls you have, the more you will recieve upon their engagements. An even sadder thing is that all boys are circumsized around age 14-16, they must stand in a row and take the pain as the doctor comes by and does them one by one, they arent allowed to show pain, women in those cultures are circumsized upon engagment, (this is the messed up part), they are allowed to show pain, and it is private in a tent, but they cut off her clitorus essentially, along with it goes the labedo and will to have sex, this is so the women arent tempted by men other than their husband, but they also dont want their husband, each time sex would be aweful and violating she wouldnt feel the same pleasure again, and her husband feels he is entitled to anything he wants from her.
I know you posted that a while ago but maybe this helps, there are other cultures who do the same thing, its very sad, makes my heart hurt for these girls, they arent even developed yet. I didnt cum for the first time until i was 20 from intercourse, before that i was indiferent to it and didnt understand what the fuss was about. I couldnt imagine having to endour abuse like that for years at a time. My heart goes out to everyone on this post.
**Triggers**
Thanks for replying, Jessica. I had forgotten how common child marriages still are worldwide (maybe I just wanted to forget!). In the context of Elizabeth’s comment, I was curious as to why she seemed to be suggesting that consent was possible in other cultures; I would class all child marriages (defining child, fairly generously, as pre-menses) as rape, so I was just confused. As Faith says though, it’s probably best not to get into that argument.
On the subject of Female Genital Mutilation; I did a module on that in the context of cultural relativism during Social Anthropology classes at University. As an extra, we were shown a film on the subject, which contained an audio-only scene (screen blacked out) of the start of an “operation” on a 5-year-old girl in Egypt. The face of every student in the lecture theatre went grey; her screams tore at my heart, and my moral relativist approach to other cultures was destroyed in the space of a second, to be replaced after much soul-searching with a rejection of discussion of morals in favour of ethics. I never want to hear a child in that much distress again; it sounded like she was dying, she was calling for her mother to help her and her mother did nothing. I’m still haunted. If anyone sees any petitions or similar doing the rounds re putting a stop to this practice I would urge them to take a moment to sign. Apologies for getting slightly off-topic.
Though I would say that if someone rapes you, that is, has sex with you without your consent, they are still a rapist. If you’re lucky enough not to be as traumatised by the experience as a lot of victims are, that’s great, but it doesn’t change the fact that the assailant disregarded consent and raped someone.
Eh, I’m sorry, Faith, I thought it had been pre-moderated. I must have just not recognised the name. Feel free to take my replies down along with the second para. if you like, or leave the second as it pertains to the first part of the OP, or leave it all of course, whatever you think best. I think perhaps there is a difference between just “triggering” and actually “invalidating” that might be at work here. My apologies again.
Hi, Jan.
You did nothing wrong. :0)
– Faith
*** sexual abuse triggers***
it started when my father would go on sales trips. My mom becuase she felt lonely would sit with her legs open and try to get me to touch her there. Finally she just got frusterated and forced my head between her legs. Lick me-so I licked. This became something we would do everynight. Pretty soon I thought it was normal to french kiss mom. I tried at a company picnic that caused some trouble. When I got older my mom tried to photograph me or get me to pose. She never did anything to me, just me to her. Some times when would get mad at me, she would urinate on me, force me to drink saying that was what i deserved. Now she blames it on pills.
That’s terrible. There’s no possible excuse for a parent doing that, medical or otherwise.
what has that got to do with orgasm during abuse?
Where do I even start? I remember the intense shame of looking back at my brother’s abuse and knowing that I enjoyed it, that he made me orgasm. I didn’t share that for the longest time with my counselor once I started therapy (when I was much older) about the abuse because I thought the counselor would think less of me, that i had something to do with it… and of course I felt that way because my brother would make me feel so good that sometimes I would initiate it. Of course he made sure that “fair was fair”, and I had to make him orgasm too. I know now that it wasn’t my fault but it took me a long, long time and a lot of guilt before i came to feel that way. My brother was five years older than me and it started when I was only 7 and he was 12… it lasted until he left home to join the army when he was 18 and I was 13. Talk about stupid, it took him leaving home for it to stop, I never thought I could control it. Luckily all we did was oral, he never took my virginity, at least not in the typical sense. But I totally did not feel like a virgin! It’s hard to feel innocent or like virgin when you feel so much older than your friends, and you are out playing with other girls and less than an hour before that you were doing 69 with your brother. The most horrible thing for me and that i never did tell my counselor is one time whenn my brother came home on leave, I was 18 or 19 at the time… and I actually did it with him again… but that was the last time and it happened only once when I was an adult. It took me years to get over that, and i still don’t know why I did it.
Hi, Stephanie.
You were just a seven-year-old child with a 12-year-old instigator. That is far too wide an age difference for you to be an “equal” in this. Even 18 and 13 is an adult with a child.
My mother abused me again when I was 17. Every single person who hears this asks why I didn’t fight her off. I reply that while I inhabited a 17-year-old body, the abuse brought out the wounded toddler in me. I was in no better position to fight her off emotionally than a toddler would be. Until you heal, abuse stunts the development of your emotions in that area and leaves you frozen in time at the age you were when you started.
~ Faith
I never really thought about it this way. It explains a lot about myself.
I don’t want to say any more than just a thank you.
hi Faith,
thank you for your reply. I can relate to what you said about “leaving you frozen in time at the age you were” when it started. I STILL sometimes feel like a little girl again, it’s just so hard to shake off! Sometimes I find myself trying to recreate that feeling when I am in a sexual situation. The weird mixture of feelings: enjoying the sexual stimulation, feeling dirty, yet this really hard to explain feeling of wanting it to happen and yet hating when it did. My father was a really angry and scary person and our household was filled with all sorts of tension… My brother was constantly getting in trouble and our dad would whip the **** out of him, and i feel that maybe my brother was looking for escape from all of that, so he turned to me… I do remember lots of times feeling like the incest was a way for my brother and me to comfort each other, to escape…. but it wasn’t escape at all, just another thing to feel horrible about. And yet i kept going back to it, going back to that secret place that felt so good when it was happening but so horrible when it was over.
*** Removed by Faith ***
Faith, I’m really disappointed. Do you just publish whatever someone sends? This person’s post is obviously sarcastic and to be honest it feels like he is minimizing the impact that sexual abuse has had to so many people.
Has this site been taken over? Is there even a moderator anymore?
To Stephanie and Elizabeth,
I have deleted the comment. Sorry about that. I am just an individual — no team of moderators — and this blog generates a lot of comments. I don’t always have time in my day-to-day life to review all of them thoroughly. Thanks for flagging this comment for me. :0)
I have removed Bill’s comment as well as both of your response comments because I want the focus of this site to be on healing. Bill has been blocked from posting again. I did not block either of you, but it is possible that your next comment will go to the moderator queue because I deleted your last comments. If this happens, please know that I will publish your comments when I go through the moderator queue. :0)
– Faith
*** Post deleted by Faith ***
I don’t think this is an appropriate comment for a safe place for survivors.
Hi people! First let’s give thanks that we are ALIVE!! I know we have all suffered in some way. But the human mind can overcome enormous adversity. I was abused from 5-9. I have vivid memories of it. I accept that I am different now than most because of that. But it makes me who I am. I am a great dad and a good friend to many. I hope you all can shed the guilt that weighs you down and be happy somehow. I did. It took some work, but it is definitely doable with some mental tricks and persistence. If your brain can be programmed for guilt, it can be programmed for acceptance and happiness as well. Or anything else you can think of. I love you guys!
I have very strong memories of being aroused and having orgasms during my assaults. I think this is what I struggle with the most. I wish I could speak with a therapist but I freeze every time we go into the direction of discussing my individual experiences. The feelings of guilt and shame overwhelm me to the point where I think I will never get better…
I can not tell you how long I have waited to read something like this!!! And I thank you along with all of the other brave posters here for sharing such intimate, courageous truths.
Is it me or is this a subject which does not garner much attention AT ALL – (hence, the unwarranted shame, guilt & especially the confusion continue?)
I just don’t seem to remember reading anything like this in all my years (decades now) of researching.
Anyway, I just wanted to share what an incredible relief it was to read this. I understand so much more now (how are bodies are naturally wired and the vital distinction/differentiation that can be made) and this is finally giving me a feeling of peace and resolution.
Thank you again and all the best to everyone here.
maybe you should start a debate about this subject on the tv. that way maybe a lot of the abusers will feel scared by the idea that the crime they are committing is no longer secret and they might? stop. and some victims will feel they are able to seek help.
Lee,
That has crossed my mind. Though I don’t know so much feel as it should be a subject of *debate* per se as much as a point of just exposing the truth of the matter.
The bare, naked truth.
The natural ‘child-like” implications…and OY! These long-term ramifications reaching their long arms into decades in the future when and where just SO MUCH CONFUSION lies.
The mixed messages. The message that our young bodies just *naturally* send us that yes….this feels good…yet…YET…something just doesn’t gel. Doesn’t QUITE FEEL right.
What IS THIS EXACTLY??????
It FEELS RIGHT…yet at the same time is PREMATURE!!!!
I’ll tell you what it is…it is a theft.
Theft in every sense of the word.
A recognition about the biology of young lives and sexuality and that our bodies are just NATURALLY WIRED TO RESPOND SEXUALLY…is NO EXCUSE for these monsters to take advantage of this.
They impose upon a very real theft and imposition when they are such a sad SOB of a human being that they have FAILED to attract a normal-aged member of the opposite sex…on their own and based upon their own merits…that these sorry bastards take the low road.
So like….what do they do?
They look around for others whom are vulnerable. Typically children.
See…in THIS WAY – these bastards think (in their warped minds) that they NOW have the advantage.
To target the lesser of the species.
The young. The vulnerable. The innocent. Yep.
Their edge.
This is how a warped mind works.
It IS covert and malicious. It IS how a mind preys. A predator.
If you have read this and aren’t quite sure on what to think about this…beware.
Beware of the bastard who wants to know just TOO MUCH of you or your past in an effort to one day attempt to sway you away from those who are in your corner.
He could JUST BE a real conniving mother-fucker.
Sorry to be the messenger of bad news…but by the same token – don’t be fooled either.
Plenty of good guys & good folks out there – to be sure. Also a bunch of not-so-good-guys/gals either.
Your call.
** sexual abuse triggers **
When I was 12 years old the 16 year old grandson raped me at my old church in one of the Su day school rooms. His sister stood there watching. He threatened to kill my brother if he said anything before he told my brother to leave the room and his grandfather told my mom he’d watch all 4 of us and he didn’t. I felt as if I wasn’t in my body while he is in me with no protection. He came inside of me. I didn’t get my first period till November 2005 the rape occurred June 23,2005 then he raped me again June 26,2005 behind this abandoned house down the street from the church.
[…] my blog entry entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: I’ll tell you what [sexual abuse] is…it is a theft. […]
Okay,this has bothered me so much that even up till now it keeps flashing in my mind,i was 8 or 9 when we had two nannies(18 and 20 years of age) and they unfortunately lived with us.When ever my parent were away we would play round the house and when i go to rest,they would come and take turns by guiding me on how to please them sexually heck even when i was going to school and they had to escort me with the driver they still wanted me to play with their clits,and then few years past still i had not realized the wrong,since it felt good to them but then we moved due to the death of my Dad.And they too had to go,then i still didn’t stop,but yet kept pleasing someone else(a neighbor of ours who i was older than with 4yrs)..she(at 15) kept coming back and i kept at it till we moved yet again.When i got to know that this was an abuse both to her and i.When ever we met at social gatherings i couldn’t look her in the face,she obviously didn’t understand and felt i hated her for no reason,years later she understood and in turn stopped talking to me too.We are all grown up now and when ever i accidentally run into her,i feel the urge to apologies but my lips can’t utter those words.I keep getting flashes of almost every single incidents till today,and guilty of it…I attended the wedding of one of the nannies recently and i believe she to faces this guilt but in her case i don’t feel hate for her or if there is any sort of forgiveness i should show towards her,i have forgiven.It all boils the issue of me and my filty past toward another.What am i suppose to do?this all seems like story to most,and i although have gone to confession i still feel there is something missing i should do or say,i am pretty sure that even what i write is almost close to clueless to those who are reading this minute,but if for any reason someone catches a glimpse of what i am trying to get at here,i will be glad.
p/s:even now i just got a flash back of most and it is as if i wish those moment never happened…those were indeed my worst deeds ever.
*** graphic sexual abuse triggers***
I was 15 and my brother 13. I had a bee in my room so i moved out to sleep in the living room. in the middle of night i woke up and noticed him around, he didn’t do anything, i thought he just went to the toilet so i asked him to go to bed.
the next night, after i checked and confirmed that there was no longer a bee in my room,i went to bed. i had a habit of closing my door when i sleep.in the middle of the night, i woke up to find my brother in my bed,but i was still partly asleep so i ignored him.he was just hugging me but soon proceeded to touching my breast and all over my body.i was so tired and into sleeping that i didn’t really reject him,i just push his hands off whenever he tries to touch down there.i kept on half sleeping until my alarm rang and i quickly asked him to get out of the room before my parents wake up.
the next day i remembered to lock my door but again he came in my room and repeated what he did.this time i’m awake and refuse to let him do it to me, but he is strong coz he is an athlete at school and he touched me all over and put his hands in my pants.he even rub his naked cock on my panties. he touched me alot but maybe because he is just 13 and had less knowledge of what to do, that was all that he did.
the same thing happened over and over and soon at night is not enough for him.he will sneak up behind me when i’m reading books in my moms room or washing the dishes in the kitchen.sometimes when i’m sitting in a corner watching TV in the living room.he will hide beside me and touch me.
I knew he that he took the key to my room, it took me some time to find all the keys and spare keys.since then he can’t get it to my room anymore but still he continues to do it whenever he has chance.when my parent are not around he would push me to the wall and rub me with his cock and to be honest my body would react and move accordingly, then he would ask me why did i put my “down there” out to touch his cock.which made me feel ashamed.
there’s a bathroom in my moms room.so sometimes he would pull me into the bathroom and take off my clothes to shower with him.
once i got angry and thought that it would end if he gets what he wants so i put a plastic bag on his cock and made him put it in me.but he was already shooting it out before even going in me. and both of us were shocked and didn’t continue.
i couldn’t stay in the same room with him for years,and i’ve pointed a knife at him before. i’m lucky now that i’ve gone overseas for study, i don’t have to face him anymore.
i didn’t tell my parents coz i know they’ll be sad, i have only told some of my very close friends that i trusted.
i might have wrote too much.but i want to say that it is not neccessarily elder one doing it to a younger one. sometimes the younger would start out of curiosity.
I am totally amazed at this site. I thought I was the only one. I have been struggling with guilt and shame and self punishment for (1) feeling pleasure/orgasms when my much older brother was raping me when I was a little girl and (2) for wanting the attention and affection of him when I was not getting it anywhere else in my life. I can’t even talk about it in therapy yet. I wrote about it in a very distant clinical way and gave it to my therapist to read. I kept a pillow over my face the whole time. He keeps assuring me that this is not unusual at all and not my fault, but I can’t take it in yet. So, I severely restrict food and abuse myself with a whip. I know it is crazy, but I can’t seem to stop. Thank you for this site.
** triggers **
When I was 13 the men in the neighborhood found out i lost my virginity, after that everyone started pressuring me into oral sex and intercourse. I was faced with threats if i didnt and most of them didnt stop pressuring me til i gave in. Up until just a few days ago i always thought it was a choice that i made, i couldve said no, but the more i think about it the more i feel they were in the wrong. Eventually I did comply, but I was 13, and over 30 men had their way within 2 months. They played on my fears and said they would use force, that it would be rough, and i could get beat up. I even lost my father because of it, we werent close anyway but the relationship wasnt gone, but he basiclly disowned me when he found out i was the town slut. The last time i saw him he was in a blackout telling me to go suck four niggers dicks, yes they were all black. I still cant look at a black guy and be attracted, it repuses me. I didnt hear from my dad for over a year and a month before my 14 birthday my mom told me he was dead, killed himself drinking and driving.
I really felt hatred toward him and was glad to hear of his death. Im 23 now and looking back, i wish i had enough courage to say no to them, if i did maybe my dad would have stuck around? Not get killed? Not saying its my fault, he made a choice to drink, rewin his family, and to get behind the wheel, yet I cant help but feel somewhat responsible. I’ll never have family again, my mom is off somewhere doing haroin and my little brother with her or gone, my older brother and i arent close since he strangled me when I was 14, and right after that i went into foster care, where my foster parents tried to help repair the damage, but im not close with them since I left there with my rebelious teenage attitude.
The point is Ive been in denial that i wasnt raped, it was all consentual, Im starting to think otherwise…My sex drive is through the roof. Unlike many posters on here I love sex, and have fantasies im ashamed of, im sure im close to being a sex addict, but why? why would such pleasure come from something so bad?
I never orgasmed during the abuse though, i either gave blow jobs or they fucked me, but i never liked it was dry at times, and they would guilt trip me about that. I have an oral fetish, daddy molestation fantasies, and found out im submissive, I dont know why I have them, moral and my concious says its bad but my labido has its own mind.
I think this is all linked, but shouldnt such bad expiriences repell me from sex? Obviously theres negative correlations but why am i so addicted to orgasming? and thinking about these negative things while orgasming makes it that much better. Im sorry to everyone on here because you have been the victims in reality of what i crave sexually, this never leaves my bedroom, no one should ever be an unwilling participant in sex…I truly know that i should feel bad about these fantasies, but i dont and thats what scares me. Ive told this story before, but not from this more mature point of view, im starting to think i do have a problem and not just a high sex drive. FUCK IM CONFUSED
Hi, Jessica.
A telltale sign of a child abuse survivor is extremes. Yes, some react like me and become sex averse. However, others react by becoming obsessed with sex. In fact, many sex addicts are sexual abuse survivors.
A 13-year-old child is not old enough to choose sexual relations, and it was illegal (statutory rape) for those men to engage in intercourse with you whether you consented or not.
~ Faith
Hey,
My girlfriend was the unfortunately victim of sexual abuse by a family member of which her body had a orgasm when she was 13 years old. this has left her very conflicted,
She is also very religious, so there is a spiritual element to her guilt as she believes becuase her body experienced an orgasm she therfore enjoyed it. Of course she acknowledging that she didnt want to be abused or like the person doing it.
I shall pass on this information written by the wonderfull piece, and continue to support her through this period.
Thankyou so much as this has been very honest and informative.
**Possible Triggers**
While I don’t have much to say, I would suggest that you may have become addicted to the physiological kick of orgasm, perhaps in a subconscious attempt at the time to make what was happening less horrifying. I really don’t want you to take my advice as gospel, just as a suggestion; you may find it helpful to go cold turkey from sexual activity for a while (without being too hard on yourself if you don’t fully manage), and during that time giving yourself full permission to feel just how wrong what happened to you was. If you haven’t processed it fully your sexuality may have got kind of stuck. Also I would say keep an open mind about how much it might change over time. For help distinguishing between what is right for you sexually and what is a continuation of the abuse, I would recommend “The Survivor’s Guide to Sex” by Staci Haines. It’s totally kink-friendly and non-judgemental.
If it’s any help to know, I have an oral fixation and am submissive, and although I don’t have molestation fantasies as such, I am drawn to older men in a rather daddy/daughterish way (wanting to be looked after, basically). My Dad was not at all abusive towards me, but I do feel like he failed to protect me, and I think that’s behind a lot of my sexuality. I wanted his intense love in the form of protection from abuse, and what I got was his comparative absence, so I seek that intensity from others, but now I’m an adult (I’m 25) it’s like sexual intensity is the only kind that’s *enough*. I have problems with relationships because I don’t feel like anyone can ever *love* me intensly enough to fill the void in my soul, but they can fuck me intensely enough to make me feel better for a while. I don’t fulfill the criteria for addiction, and sex is very satisfying for me, which it usually isn’t for addicts, but I do admit that my position is not entirely healthy.
Had more to say than I thought, actually!
What happened to you was terrible and wrong. It never ceases to astonish me that there can be such large pockets of rapists infesting communities. You’ve survived an enormous amount; that’s something to be proud of.
Ive been through the same thing. I was raped by a younger boy, a friend of my sons. I orgasmed during the rape, both times, and felt aroused! I felt so sick afterwards and cried for hours.
I feel so much guilt and shame and still do. I found it diffiult to become aroused now unless I think about the rape itself, which has affected my life with my husband.
Hi, this is my first post and the first time i have viewed this site. I am a 17 year old girl and have been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. Recently, i’ve been remembering more traumatic events and i have been disassociating alot and when im not disassociated, i feel very strong emotions. I really need to talk to a survivor-trying to talk to my therapist doesnt work. Faith, can i talk to you through email please? No offense to anyone, but i dont feel very comfortable posting the details online.
Hi, April.
Yes, you may email me. You can find my email address under the “About Faith” tab at the top of the page.
Another good resource is Isurvive, which is a message board for child abuse survivors:
http://www.isurvive.org.uk/
~ Faith
I was wondering if anybody here has a guess as to why it seems that many people who have suffered rape causing them to orgasm against their will report that the orgasms were especially intense, long, etc. I know that this doesn’t apply to everyone, but it is a trend I’ve noticed. I was wondering if anyone would be willing to explain their thoughts on that, whether by personal experience, expertise in the subject, or just speculating.
I’m not sure this belongs in this forum, but I read about all the girls molested by their fathers that had orgasms, and I felt I had to say this about my step-dad: He refused to touch me, even though I wanted him to.
When I was 14, I was depressed and confused by all the emotions I had. It was a real roller-coaster ride. As I went through puberty, my step-dad stopped holding me, stopped hugging me, didn’t want to be near me. I took it as something wrong with me, and wanted him to hug and hold me even more.
One afternoon, I just couldn’t stand him ignoring me any more. Long story short, I cried (partly a lie), then got his sympathy (totally a lie). I got him to tickle me like he used to, and I had an orgasm.
He noticed and got all scared, told me it was his fault (not even close to true). I got mad and told him I had planned the whole incident. He said we must not touch each other again. He’s avoided touching me or being alone with me ever since (I’m 21, now).
I guess I just wanted to say that what I did or didn’t do when I was young shouldn’t be taken so seriously that it effects how I am treated as an adult. I’ve forgiven myself for the foolish impulses of a 14-year-old girl. I wish my step-dad could do the same.
im 43 and happily married i was molested repeatedly by my drunk father.i hated it i was molested alot growing up ide say till i was 14 or 15 i was always made to give them blow jobs and they would do the same to me.my father is dead im glad of that.but i am always masturbateing and dont know why,i wish someone had rescuded me from this i told my mother she didnt believe me, and i hated every one for it.my wife only knows of my fathers torture not the other 8or 9 molestation by friends and adult neihbors
because of my sexual abuse i started masterbating at a young age
I need help. I don’t know if I was sexually abused. Since I was about 8 I have felt uncomfortable around my dad and have had an unexplainable fear of him sexually abusing me, but I can’t actually remember being abused. Then a few months ago (at age 18) I went off my anti-depressant medication that decreased sexual libido and had my first orgasm. But it was to the thought of my dad. And I can only orgasm when I think about him. I feel so disgusting and ashamed because I don’t even know if I was sexually abused, so what does that mean? Am I just naturally fucked up? I just hate myself so much and I can’t even blame anyone because nothing has happened to me, at least nothing that I can remember.
Have you ever heard of something like this? What’s going on?
Friends,
I left an abusive relationship last summer. I feel immensely foolish because after having some sexually compromising things happen to me with him, I started initiating sexual activity, because some of it felt pleasurable. I had never done anything sexual before this relationship and was planning to wait until marriage, but he was very coercive, and emotionally abusive prior to all of this taking place. I don’t feel smart at all. I’m trying to understand what I could’ve been thinking, to initiate sexual things with my abuser, i.e. to offer and ask for certain sexual favors, if I recognized that this dynamic was bad…
Hi, M.
Initiating sex with an abuser can be about trying to take your power back. If you have accepted that you are going to have to have sexual relations with this person, you can at least do it on your own terms.
I think you are being too hard on yourself. Rather than beat yourself up what you did then, why not celebrate the strength you showed in leaving the relationship?
~ Faith
Thanks for answering mine.
My cousin committed incest with me on numerous occasions. I understand all that was said about our bodies’ natural reaction to it. But i still feel guilty for wanting it and allowing it to happen. Then a couple months later, he committed suicide. I don’t feel guilty for his suicide but I don’t even know what I feel. I guess I’m confused as to why I cried so much at his funeral despite what he did and why I went into a phase of depression after it or why I feel suicidal now. He’s gone now, but it’s like his death is an emotional anchor to my life.
Thank you so much for your article. My dad stopped penetrative sex when I was almost 10, when my periods came. But just before I left home, when I was 18, he found a condom in my room and came to my bed. I don’t remember having ever orgasmed before that night. I let him do so much that night. I blocked it all out though until 3 days ago when all the memories of what he did from 6.5 to 18 exploded into my mind. I felt such a rush of shame, guilt and disgust. Felt, especially the last time, that I had asked for it, wanted it, by having the condom. I have a therapist but haven’t been able to see her since my mind exploded. Only one more day to wait. In the meantime, thank you for making me feel like less of a freak for having orgasms.
I was raped and molested. I was raped at 2 yrs old by my brother who at the time was 10 and molested by my uncle from the age of 12 til i was 17. I am now 20 and still trying to erase it. My uncle passed 2 years ago and I hated myself for his death. I wanted to die so I can be with him. I have so many mixed feeling about him. when I told about what he was doing, he denied it all and I was known as a pathological liar by the family. I had to stay away from him and his two grandkids who i loved like my little brothers. He was my foster father as a child. i remember one night when me, my aunt, and cousin were living in the same house as him, my other aunt, their daughter and her 2 kids. He came down to my room in the middle of the night while i was asleep, turned on the hallway light, came to my bedside and started fondling my breasts. I had woken up when he started it. I saw him leaving m room. the next morning he asked if i was mad and i pretended like nothing happened and said no. I was confused. he told me not to tell anyone. I knew it was wrong. As much as I knew it was wrong, I kept going back. I was confused as how to feel about him. I loved him, hated him, trusted him, respected him, and everything.
Hi, Kerry.
I removed your identifying information, including your Facebook link, before the comment published. Please be sure not to include either in future comments to protect your privacy. :0)
~ Faith
I don’t know if this fits here or what but I’d like to know what people think I guess. When I was young, like ten, my older brother and sister began sex play, at first kind of hidden but then pretty open about it. They often did it in front of me, not so I could actually see but almost. It was intensely arousing for me and I felt embarrassed by that and somehow embarrassed for them. Pretty much it turned me into a voyeur; not my only outlet but still not acceptable by many people.
It has taken me three weeks to work up to telling the next part. I all ways used to examine my sister’s panties afterwards. I still like to examine women’s soiled underwear. I feel guilty, but no one knows and the panties aren’t injured. And it’s not like I go out of my way but if the opportunity is there I’ll do it and feel as if I have done something terrible. But how bad could all this be? I’ve never told anyone any of this before but people have posted worse experiences and I just thought I’d see what might be said.
I’ve been to therapists, tried Neural Linguistic Programming and a bunch of other stuff but I guess the problem is that I don’t really think it’s very bad but I’m sure everyone else does. I can’t even image telling anyone face to face any of this and I hate that feeling.
Faith, what an open forum this is, thank you.
Sorry for the dumb name.
I started having feelings that i was sexually abused by my mother. As a child i was extremely angry and mostly at my mom. MY mom would leave me alot alone by myself with noone to talk to. one time i hugged my mom and she hugged me tightly i almost started to scream deep down inside i know she sexually abused and was part of some ritual abuse. growing up as a teenager until i was eighteen i never enjoyed sex with men but i am atractedjust physically it didnt happen unless through masterbation can i havefeedb
when i was growing up, i was molested by my uncle, and i ended up liking it, afterwards, i was molested by my grandfather this all from an age span of 7-13 years old. now my parents never knew what happened, and at a point i hated them, because how was it possible this was happening under their roofs but they somehow didnt know? also, i was always afraid of telling my parents, because they were the type of people who physically and emotionally abused you but didnt know or didnt care they were doing so. well i never told them because i knew down to the letter that they wouldnt believe me or somehow it was my fault.
recently i turned 26, and although im coming to grips with what has happened, i feel such self loathing sometimes, and other times i feel what i am doing feels right. my parents found out i was molested when i turned 24, and my father made it feel that it was my fault somehow, that because i enjoyed it, i wanted it, my mother is in complete denial, she still venerates her father, like nothing ever happened, and my father chose to believe his brother over me. i felt hurt, to the point i wanted to and tried to kill myself, when i woke up the next day i just say f**k it and i wont give them the satisfaction.
but really what has been bugging me is that i since that day ive been masturbating and having orgasms only when i think about being rape, and im talking about gang banged, raped by my father though he never touched me, at least that i know of, of my brothers raping me at the insistence of my family, of my uncle completing the sexual act of penetration and i still want more, in one dream im completely tied up and there are like 50 or so men and they are constantly raping me, but what has me more bummed out that im dreaming and orgasm myself as if i was a child, not an adult, and the more twisted the dreams and images, the harder i come. i feel shame, and hopelessness, because ive never been in a relationship, ive had sexual encounters; one night stands, f*** buddies but never an actual boyfriend, and it hurts, but also with these sexual encounters ive never orgasm-ed before, and i really only had one whenever im thinking of this. now i dont go consciously thinking i want to get raped, but that i wanted to be raped when i was a child.
its just hard, because theres not really a place i can go to and talk about this, i think my mother was abused herself, but because of her generation its taboo to even talk about, i cant afford a therapist, and i wouldnt even know where to search for an online support group. i also never gotten pregnant, though that may be the fact that im obese, however i always dread that if i do have a child with all these emotions swirling around me rage, compulsion, that i might end up like my parents and be abusers, and hand my child over without me realizing it to the hands of other abusers. im terrified, since ive never had a relationship, i cant talk to my significant other and try to see if someone will help me out, i just have sex, get some satisfaction but never completely, i finish myself off then its off to the next guy. my family all knows, but what has me even more terrified, when i confided in my brother and he told me he had a dream or rather he felt it was true that when he was three i had molested him myself, but as hard as i try i dont remember, in my heart i dont even have an inkling of what he saying is true…but what if it is, not only have i screwed up my life but ive screwed up my little brothers life as well, i wouldnt be able to handle that.
i dunno i just wanted to vent, and if you guys read my stories i appreciate it, i just felt that it was time for me to unburden myself, the funny thing is i have forgiven everyone who had a part in what was done to me, but i cant help but feel if i have forgiven myself, it doesnt feel that way.and what makes the whole situation worse is that out of my extended family im talking about 50 females in the family not older that 30, somehow my uncle and my grandfather at least that i know of has never molested them, but i was the lucky winner of that. I just want to know how can I cope, when on one hand my father demands what happened to me, but he wants all the details, and I cant bring myself to tell them all because im so ashamed and afraid that he would hate me more. He is more upset on the account on how bad it would make him look, basically protecting his ego, my mom is worst, shes in denial, and me im floating and don’t know what to do.
yeah im not really enjoying them, at the moment im having them i do however. i enjoy them when im fantasizing about myself being a child and have horrendous things done to me, that is the only way, i cant do it if im thinking happy thoughts. its not easy to dump all this guilt when i feel like it must have been my fault somehow.
hi crazyasever,
i just want to tell you I think I understand anout the guilt and how hard it is (seems impossible) to just “dump” it. when the thoughts about the worst messed up abuse come into my mind, I will have an orgasm just spontaneously. It’s definitely not something I want to happen, and while I guess technically it ” feels good, ” it really is kind of terrible to know my body does that in response to thoughts of being raped when I was so little. It takes a lot of concentration and effort to tell myself I’m not a horribly sick person. But when I read about you I don’t think you are horribly sick, I can see how much pain you are in because of what other people did to you. So ot kind of gives me hope. I hope this makes sense.
Blue
hey blue, i get it when you say it gives you hope, but while these things happen. when i say i feel guilty is cause, i knew it was wrong, and one day i said stop i was around 8 but, i kept going back afterwards, because i felt a thrill with both my uncle and grandfather…in my mind at that age was that i did this and they gave me attention and gave me love..misplaced love yes…but love nonetheless…but growing up starting when i was 15 it was basically a free for all for any guy i met and gave me some attention, if i had attention i was opening my legs…and i liked it during but when the guys no longer called i ended up hating myself more and more because i would think something was wrong with me and not them…but im taking the first steps which i know i sorta like the 5 steps of grief, and i accepted this happened to me and im trying to move forward and pave a life as close to normal i can get and do it.
Hi, crazyasever.
“i cant afford a therapist, and i wouldnt even know where to search for an online support group.”
Try visiting isurvive.org. It is a message board for child abuse survivors.
~ Faith
I do not recall being raped or sexually abused when I was a little child (complete memory blackout – do not understand how this is possible), but to my shock my doctor insists that I was because of numerous child sex abuse symptoms I have throughout my life. I reached puberty very early. As long as I remember myself back then, I was involved in inappropriate behavior with boys and even men. I enjoyed them very much, fearlessly. During the time when I was 23 – 25, I was raped at least 3 times by 3 differrent men at different times. Once I was drugged by the raper, and other 2 rapes were done under gunpont. What shocked me – I had uncontrollable, very strong multiple orgasms during those rapes which I never experienced before and which haunt me ever since. After rapes I became very frigid – this was a problem for my husband. We seeked professional help, but it did not help. I was not able to tell either phychologist or my husband about what happended to me from the time I was burn till rapes – I was in fear that my husband would not believe me and would leave me (I believe it was and may be still is cultural in the country he came from not to believe the raped women). I was frigid for many years. Then, at some point my strong desires for pleasure came back (Sounds good, right?). However, I was not able to achieve an orgasm without invision of very rough sex, without invision of my rapes, or my hands and spreaded legs being tied to the bed (do not understand where this comes from, I do not recall being raped this way).
To make the long story short, I have periods of being either frigid or being super hypersexual. I assume this is probably the result of both, some kind of child sexual abuse causing hypersexuality and rapes causing frigidity. But I am not phychologist.
Did anybody undergo Accelerated Resolution Therapy? I will be seen by the founder of this therapy next week, but I am very sceptical. Being highly educated analytical person (in technical field), I need justification of their methods and/or testimonies from people who underwent this therapy. They claim it is very effective for fast releive of traumatic events. They are using procedure involving eye movement techniques for replacing traumatic memories with positive ones. Their website is http://www.AcceleratedResolutionTherapy.com
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Faith,
I just recently started to read your blogs after my doctor gave me the news as per above. Your blogs help in understanding of the problem and possible relief solutions. I believe your contribution is commendable.
I wish you had “Adult Rape Victim Confession” blog.
After so many years of keeping in everything what happend to me, my brain finally melted down 8-10 days ago as I am super hypersexual again for over 1 month now for no reason, and my brain cannot cope with the switches between rigidity and hypersexuality any longer. I think, these 2 collided within the brain. My brain literally ordered me to confess to my husband, and I did, despite the strongest fear of being rejected. I told him EVERYTHING. As I feared, my husband could not accept it. He left me obruptly 5 days ago.
Thank you.
Hi, DesparateForHelp.
I am sorry for all that you are going through.
For people who want to share their stories, I refer them to isurvive.org. It is a message board for child abuse survivors that has a forum entitled “Our Stories,” which is basically an adult survivor of child abuse place for “confession.” Isurvive was an important part of my healing process in the early years.
~ Faith
Thank you very much for replying, Faith! I will check it.
I came across this forum and wanted to add my own experience. I was raped just over two years ago and my body had a sexual response and orgasm during it. It wasn’t as a child, as Im in my thirties now, but the feelings of guilt and dealing with your bodies response is overwhelming. It also changes your perspective on sex.
I spent a long time afterwards assuming that it had been my fault, and that if I hadnt responded then he would have stopped. I still cant get past that one in my head. Its definitely possible he may have stopped. Who knows.
The sexual aftermath is one that lasts a lifetime I think. Not a lot will change that.
Sara
Well Blue, thats exactly the same situation Im in after my own experience. So I guess the more we read that other people feel the same, the more it will help to accept how we feel sometimes?
Sara
*** triggers ***
I never told anyone these details about my rape but here it goes… I was 15 and leaving a friends house one afternoon. It was not late but it was getting pretty dark outside in November. As I was walking down street I always went home on, a van pulled over and the driver asked me for some directions. I couldn’t help with that but as we were talking the back door opened and I was pulled in the van by another man. Now, I want to mention that even though i developed at an early age (I had 36d breasts at age 15 when this happened), I was never sexually active or even interested in that. Anyway, they dragged me in the van and it drove off to some old unused parking lot. I was terrified and not sure what they wanted at first… The driver came in the back and grabbed me from behind while the other two tied my hands behind my back. This was a cargo wan so they made me kneel on the floor. They started opening my shirt one button at a time. One squezed my breasts through my bra at first and then the other cut it off since I was tied behind. I just froze when this happened not believing it. They started squeezing. and grabbing them and it hurt at one point and I didn’t even realize when my nipples got hard until the other one made the comment that I was lykeing it. I was extremely embarased and scared at the same time. One started pinching my nipple and the other one sucking on the other nipple. It felt very strange partiality because I never experienced this before. I had never let anyone even see me naked before. The third guy started reaching between my legs underneath my skirt and found my pantys and started rubbing me through the material. I had never been touched like that before. I couldn’t even move from fear and just stood there on my knees while all 3 were touching me all over. The stimulation on my breasts started about two minutes before he reached for my vagina but after another few minutes of this continuous stimulation in all three spots I started feeling wired and breathing heavily. The one who had his hand between my legs smiled and pulled the pantyes to one side and started touching directly on my vulva and started landing rude remarks about me being all wet. the one that was playing with my nipple started kissing me on the mouth and squeezed me until I opened and stuck his tongue in my mouth while the younger one kept sucking the other nipple and breast this whole time. I couldn’t push away due to my hands being tied but for some reason I started moaning in the guys mouth and the third one started rubbing my vagina faster and pressing more on my clit. I orgasmed within seconds. It wAS awful but it just came over me with no warning. After it passed, it must have encouraged them because they stopped what they were doing and untied my hands and made me sit on all fours. One got behind me and spread my legs and started pushing two fingers in me. I screamed and the one in front of me pulled his penis out and stuck it in my mouth. After a few minutes of penetration I felt another orgasm comming and I tried to fight it back. I was extremely ashamed of myself when I came again. It actually happened twice in this position. First with the penis in my mouth and the with my mouth full of sperm after the first guy ejaculated in it. I cannot belive to this day how I could come with that disgusting thing dripping out idly mouth. After my body betrayed me again, one started pushing his finger in my anus. I started screaming again and the other one penetrated my vagina with his penis. I kept screaming due to the pain in both orifices and was still spitting out some sperm. The one behind me finished pretty fast saying the whole time how tight my virgin p**y is. I was disgusted and hoped it was over. When he pulled out, the one that now had two fingers in my rectum started whipping sperm from my vagina and spreading it all over my but. I could not belive there was so much of it. It smelled horrible in the van of sperm and sweat and saliva from licking me all over. After he smeard it all over my back side, he made me stand on my knees up again and held my hands behind my back and the other one pulled my hair back makeing my back arch and my breasts thrust forward. The other one started grabing them again and the one behind me started pushing his penis in my anus. I never thought it would be able to get in but due to the massive lubrication it slipped in incredibly fast and I felt ripped apart. He started thrusting in and out faster and faster and kept saying how tight I was and started whispering perverted things in my ear. All I was feelling was pain but the kept asking if i licked it. I shook my head each time but they saw this as a challenge and talked about makeing me orgasm again. As I was being sodomized, one started putting his fingers in my mouth and then rubbing my clitoral area and the other started squeezing my breasts very rough. I felt only pain and I couldn’t understand how they were able to force me to orgasm again with that penis still in my anal orifice. I think the guy came as I was still shaking and sperm started dripping from me. There were some fart sounds emanating and they laughed and kept makeing comments on how I liked it and that is why I squirmed. Just when I thought my ordeal was over, the one that came first in my mouth instructed me to sit against the van wall and I was to weaken to fight back so i complied even if it hurt to sit on my but after being sodomized so brutally. He told me to spread my legs and to start inserting two fingers in my ass whole (as he put it) and scoop the sperm and rub it on my p***y . I protested and was quickly slapped by the other one. So I started doing what I was told and soon he put his penis in my other hand and told me to start jerking him. I did and was useing one hand on him and one on myself. I was getting absolutely no pleasure but they all kept saying nasty things to me and calling me names. He told me I’d better finish myself before I finish him and I sayed I didn’t feel any pleasure so the other one started pressing my own hand on myself harder and I think my fingers reached my clitoris because I started feeling that sensation again mixed with pain and extreme embarrassment. They must have noticed I was close because they started slapping my breasts to make them bounce( which they were doing on they’d own anyway) and the one I was stroking told me to go faster. I went faster on both of us and I climaxed before him but they wouldn’t let me stop and I had to paynfully rub myself raw until he came all over my breasts anq face. It took very long because of ejaculateing in my mouth earlier I think. They told me to stand up and to put my hands on the van wall and stick my but out. I complied out of fear and exhaustion and they started slapping my cheeks really hard. I started crying and one started slapping my breasts with his belt while the other two kept spanking me. By this point my nipples were very sensitive and it hurt even more. One said “let’s give her one more” and they debated whether I could or not. I wasnt sure what they ment until one started slapping my clitorial area with his belt. I never knew this can happen but between my nipples being tortured and now my clit, I climaxed again this time harder and more painful. Because of this last one and because of my high heels and sexual inexperience I fell to the floor. They grabbed me and throw me out in the deserted parking lot half naked and sperm leaking out of all my orifices. I started walking away and one of them yealed from the van as it drove off ” look at her jugs bouncing”. I didn’t even care I was almost naked. I walked to the main road and someone took me to the local hospital. I told the star what happened but I omitted the several orgasms which haunt me the most and I never mentioned them until now. I put in all the horrible details in here so maybe I can finally get an answer as to why my body betrayed me in such a way. I keep having flashbacks to that day and even thought I was a virgin before this brutal rape, I never had sex since. That was my only sexual encounter.
Hi, Jasmine.
I am so sorry for all that you went through. It is normal for your body to react this way, and it is also normal to feel “betrayed” by your body for this. I strongly recommend that you find a qualified therapist with experience working with rape survivors. Another resource is http://www.isurvive.org, which is a message board for child abuse survivors, including rape. You could repost what you wrote here in the “Our Stories” forum and receive lots of support from fellow rape survivors.
~ Faith
Jasmine, its not your fault for having orgasims. Your body was never touched in a sexual way and the first time someone is touched in a sexual way its very powerful emotions and sensative parts being stimulated. I am so sorry you had to endure this and can heal from this. Because you shouldnt let these terrible people ruin the rest of your life. Yes they hurt you and yes what they did was wrong but its not your fault. So I hope you meet a GREAT Man one day that loves and respects you. I also hope you will be able to enjoy sex with that person when you meet him. Dont feel ashamed for what happened to you. You are a very strong person and sound like a beautiful woman. Please dont blame yourself for natural body reactions caused from trama being done to your mind and the sexual stimulation. May God Bless you and I will pray for you as well. Just remember its not your fault and you deserve to live a happy and healthy life. Dont let these evil men destroy the rest of your life.
I know this is a delicate subject and I will try to ask this respectfully. I have known several women in my life that experienced varying levels of sexual abuse both as a child and as an adult. Granted, they all were generally not what society would call perfectly normal, sexually. In general, they were a bit more extreme in their sexuality. All to varying degrees. Some could obviously have benefited from therapy as it was appaent that their sexuality was compromised in various ways. I have known a few women that had, what I would term, some rather extreme and formative sexual experiences that seemed to be able to cope with them quite well. Some by coming to terms with their experiences mentally and others, physically.
What I am asking is….Is it possible that the women I mention were actually that well adjusted or were they just, as seems to be suggested by the comments here, concealing their affliction? Almost as one, they were loathe to any suggestion that they might benefit from counseling or therapy. Some of the women I knew seemed to be dynamic enough to cope with their problem mentally. Others seemed to be best deal with their experiences physically. By that I mean sexually. They simply fed the sexual needs that their past sexual experiences had created. It seemed to work for them. Do do a lot of female sexual abuse victims do this and just not talk about it?
I think it varies enormously from person to person and that it’s probably unwise to look for reliable patterns. Some people integrate their experiences into their identity, other people prefer to go back to before the abuse and rebuild from there, others perhaps a mixture of both. I think the “is this really me or is this something I only feel because of the abuse” question is one that most survivors deal with very very frequently and can take a lot of self-analysis to answer, so it’s probably impossible for someone outside to figure it out. The answer may be one or the other, but I believe that it may also be a mixture of both, particularly where sex is concerned. What matters is whether they are both happy in themselves and treating other people ethically. If they are both then where their desires and choices have come from may not matter.
As to therapy, it’s not necessary for self-analysis by any means. It suits some people, perhaps even most, but not all. I for one have got an enormous distance in recovery with no therapy at all, mainly because I cannot cope with any routine imposed from outside so the disruption a course of it would cause is not worth the gain at this point. That may change in future. If someone is not getting therapy that’s not necessarily something to worry about, likewise if they are it’s not safe to assume that it’s doing them any good.
I know this is complicated. I wish it were all simpler, but it isn’t.
I also feel shame and guilt. I remember just fragments at three years old being raped by my uncle by him stroking my penis and bringing me to orgasm. He did this by showing me how to make shadow puppets on the wall and gradually worked towards my spider man pajama pants. I have blocked so much of this out. I have never told anyone and he is since died. After than initial experience, I began reaching climax all the time, every day, multiple times a day and even in public. My parents brought me to a doctor and child psychiatrist whom did a physical exam on me and said there was no physical evidence towards abuse and said it was natural for toddlers to touch themselves.I was so scared in that office, and I remember my parents leaving me alone there with the doctor as he examined me. I felt like I was being violated again. If only I told them the truth but I did not even now what to say how to put into words. I just blocked it. That was easier option. My mother now jokes about my masterbating phase and how I tried to get off in bed with her when I was five and she stopped me and shamed me, and then when I would do it in department stores and this went on for years. It’s just horrible, but I have survived but it has made my sexual life nonexistant, only I can make myself get off:-( Yes, I need to find someone to talk to about this, it’s about time. First step was admitting on the http://WWW..
thank you for this site, I have not really talked about ..still feel ashamed and unsure of myself. But my mother and father fight alot..I actually find my mother to be really cruel and she says horrible things about him. One afternoon he was home alone and looking sad and I talked to him. While I was hugging him I became aroused (is this my fault) I dont know why…but I told him that I was…..I felt like it was my fault..he entered me and moved around..I orgasmed and he did soon after. I know this is a problem and it should stop. He says it will be ok and I want him start protection, he says its not likely to happen cause of my age and things but Im worried and confused
After much research I just feel like I’m never going to understand the female body at all. I watched a programmed on youtube called “The Female ****** Explained” now this documentary talked about how women reach ****** and most if not all of the woman said they needed “DESIRE” to reach ******.
Moving on now to the subject of the rape fantasy that some women have had at some point in their life. Now nobody wants to be raped but can someone explain how a woman reaches ****** in a situation that will scar her for life?
Please do not respond and say it was just a physical response to stimulation, I have done my reading with journals and articles by well published psychologists and doctors. After watching that documentary it completely blew my mind and one article I read focused on research by 4 clinicians and 3 out of the 4 focused on physical stimulation but the 4th one who by the was a woman actually said that a woman would have to be “emotionally invested” in the experience to be able to reach ******.
Now the explanation of “Desire” and “Emotional Investment” completely correlate. How many times have women had sex and because they were not in the mood could not achieve ****** but yet during rape they did, you can’t just say that they guy knew how to stimulate her because some women who know in their hearts of hearts know that physical stimulation is just not enough, you would need emotions to add to the experience.
Now I can say that adrenaline rush can aid the situation because the body becomes sensitive however that is still physical and women know that their emotions can play a big part in having an ******.
If we look at how the rape fantasy works, fantasy is safe and controlled however real rape is out of the woman’s control but the act is still the same and its physical stimulation.
Society have placed so much emphasis on male domination to be erotic, sexy and the media often plays on the subconscious thoughts of woman about a dominant man way of conveying passion involves taking them a against their will and ravishing because the man “DESIRES” the woman to the point that her response does not matter to him he will have her at any cost.
Now rape can end with the woman being murdered or mutilated, her vaginal walls damaged. Now statistics have shown that a small amount of women have admitted to having an ******, the statistics are low because of the perceived shame and embarrassment of the event and the emotional trauma that comes with it so figures could be staggeringly high but that remains to be confirmed.
Now this is where things become murky when the scenario actually happen. Some part of a womans brain will react to male dominance some might find it appealing and others might find it repulsive so the questions is do the women that had reach ****** respond positively and the women that didn’t find it repulsive?
They say the brain won’t be able to differentiate between a fantasy rape and real rape because a woman will become lubricated but ****** requires “CONCENTRATION” from the woman. Even somegirls as young as teenagers and even youger often responds to the slightly more dominant male or the “JERK” as the good guys will call them because they would do whatever they wanted regardless how a girl would feel or think.
So if we now go the issue of real rape lets look at the stage where the outcome results in an ******
the man wants the woman, she does not want him,(in her fantasy she would want the man but put up a fight before submitting)
he stimulates her (same rule applies in her fantasy)
time elapses and the unthinkable happens she has an ****** and its a horrible experience (in the fantasy its the best feeling in the world)
If we let science talk, ****** being a state of physical and “MENTAL” satisfaction. To have an ****** the body has to feel good and the mind connects to that good feeling coupled with the duration and type of stimulation will result in ******.
I believe out of shame and fear and embarrassment women will refuse to admit at some point in her mind and body she gave into the sensations of the stimulation.
I believe rapists have understood this particular concept hence why the use the phrase ” you are enjoying this” and other words to further inflict damage, because at the end of the day a woman would not want to feel this kind of sensation with some she didn’t know or knew but never consented to.
Sex and rape becomes blurred over one issue and that is consent. If we look at the components of the rape fantasy and real rape there is still one thing involved and that is consent.
Remove consent from the equation, and just like it is said the brain can differentiate between real and fantasy and will trigger a physical response in the woman for her to become lubricated, even though this can also be a form of defence.
A woman will have some form rape fantasy numerous times in her life time and this will possibly increase the chance an ****** in the event of rape because of the components involved.
The fantasy normally involves someone the woman knows or a complete stranger or multiple men, she fights and even in her mind she may or may not give consent but its a fantasy so its not real but the effect works the same way on her body because the man desires her regardless of how she feels and will do what her must to have her and ravish and this will bring mental and physical pleasure. The same philosophy works with rape except this is not in the mind now this is real life. (Real rape often occurs with a stranger, someone the woman knows or even multiples men she knows or strangers)
(Some women get off on aggressive sex, pain, mutilation,) People have preferences some are just not willing to share them in fear of what people might think and avoid being judged
Women are particularly angered when men find it difficult to sincerely empathize with their plight but how many times have some women spoken about possibly having sex with a stranger, a man being dominant, ravishing her, desiring her and when the moment finally comes you want us to fully believe that “some” part you may have not enjoyed if not a whole lot just a little bit. I believe secrecy, shame and judgmental people that only focus on the sexual aspect of the rape alone will stop women and even men from possibly coming out and speaking “truthfully” about their ordeal.
Please feel free to comment on this article and let me know what you think.
I was raped during my early childhood, but do not know if I was achieving an orgasms back then. In my 20-s I was raped three times, once after he overdruged me (put something into food or juice), another two rapes were done under gun point by different men. Doctors say that In my case of achieving orgasm every time I was raped was adrenaline. They even say that i am extremely sensitive to adrenaline as it shuts down my system (reduces substantially heart rate, lowers substantially blood pressure, etc.) . Adrenanile froze me – could not fight, I could not resist, I could not move. I could not even talk. These were the only orgasms I have ever experienced “natural way”. All other orgasms were experienced by envisioning those past rapes, ironically enough. Go figure…
I applaud you for coming out and speaking like this, I just feel that some Doctors who may not have true knowledge about rape focus mainly on the physiological aspects to try and sugar coat the fact that rape in itself can be arousing physically and mentally, I believe its time that some victims should stop living in denial and be honest with themselves and not society because the world we live in tends to be irrational and lacks understanding so rather than face problems of their own they amplify others and judge them for their problems and thoughts. Denial is an obstacle, its poisonous and will hamper any form of recovery, once self realization of the event is understood then recovery will actually be a lot more straightforward and less painful because victims will look in the mirror and see a reflection that they feel is NOT dirty, sick, unlovable, insane and undeserving of happiness.
I think a lot of what you say is just down to people not bothering to think through the difference between fantasy and reality. I’ve said elsewhere that rape fantasies are actually fantasies about resistance play, it’s just that the negotiation and safewords get edited out in the fantasy to make it more efficient. Rape fantasy is pretty much an oxymoron. Refining the terminology used about sex would help a lot with “men understanding” (though plenty of women are every bit as unsympathetic and lacking in emotional intelligence).
The point about control is a good one; plenty of survivors enjoy films featuring violence, violent revenge, horror films, that kind of thing, because they feature familiar horrors but in a controlled environment. Fantasising about experiences similar to those which initially traumatised them may serve a similar function.
Reblogged this on Healing Heart and commented:
Just a thought: If you can’t freely say no, then how can you ever freely say yes?
i see so many women but it happens to boys too i was 7 my thirteen yrs old female cousin got hard and we had sex how i dont know i was very small i got baptized so i thought i was clean my next sexual experience was with a man i was 13 or 14 i was hitching a ride to a nearby town he picked me up and started showing me pron it made me erect he poled off highway and we had sex like man and woman i orgasmed then i was 16 trying to fit in to a gang of boys and my initiation was to spend 2 hrs at this single older black man house i did they took the car he told me to take off my clothes and put vaseline on me i did thinking it is phony it wont happen he enter the room took off his clothes his organ reminded me of horses he told me turn over i did i thought still a joke it wont happen the pain was excruciating i almost passed out i orgasmed twice without touching myself cannot look at a black man without wanting sex i am so opposite mine is small it bothered me thru one marriage and now i am older it still bothers me only my church is helping become a whole person i would like to say i did not do it again but i did it with 19 men all were well endowed i had to have that i was always the passive partner i always felt it was me that caused this and it was iun adult years but if i pray and read scriptures i get thru it now and have not been wiith someone for 30 yrs but i had the urge and found this site so i though i would contribute i hope no one goes thru this hell i would not wish this on my worst enemy my wife now supports me and helps me
I was first sexually abused by a church pasttor when 7. He put chocolate syrup on his penis and had me lick it. Antt the same time he fondled my pe4nis with his hand and kissed me. Just after he came in my mouth I felt like I had just peed, but this time felt so wonderful. A few weeks later he began giving me pills each morning (the church had a school K-8 I attended). After about a month, he also began giving me injections in my butt once a month. Two of them. He had been fingering my butt for weeks and finally put his penis in there and pumped too. I still remember just before my 9th birthday my nipples were swelling and getting redder and tender. I asked him if I was growing breasts and could I have them for my birthday? He said yes I would hve breasts but likely not that soon.
Well turns out I was born Intersexed. 47 chromosomes rather than 46. 46 of them female X though. And internally I had all femalev organs it turns out. Just no vagina, and an undersized penis. Well turns out, he., and the school doctor decided to help me become the girl I was meant to be. Those first two years having sex, my orgasms became more intense, but I no longer would have my penis get bigger. But still made wonderful orgasms. More and longer ones.
I graduated grammar school there at 13. My grandparents had been in on this as well, exceptthe sex part. But the pastor said sex was necessary as otherwise I would forever think myself different and a boy. Well that summer we went to Thailand where I had an orchiectomy. I was begging to have a vagina but told that would have to wait. Being rid of those irritating bags between my legs was quite a relief. And the operation really didn’t hurt at all. Just made me feel weak and nausiatede. I developed into a very beautiful girl. I am now 66 yearts old and a 32B-26-36 figure at 5’4″ and 124 pounds. Unfortunately I never got the vagina I wanted. My grandparents died and was left without insurance or financial means to complete things. I still blame lack of a vagina the cause of never having a boyfriend. And with a penis maybe 1.5 inches in length incapabable of erection, men looking for T-girls don’t want me. But I still love making men happy. Simply the look on a man’s face when he cums can give me a whole series of orgasms.