I forgot that I have already blogged about my healing journey. So, rather than rewrite it all again (even though there is some overlap with what I have already shared), I will provide you with the links to follow that story here.
This will end my series on my story. Thank you for taking the time to read it and for caring enough to ask me to write it. I am glad that I invested the time to share my story, but I am also relieved that I have finished. I am ready to get back to the usual format of my blog. Thanks for taking this journey with me!
- Overview of My Healing Process from Child Abuse
- Kicking Off the Healing Process
- Recognizing Dissociation
- Becoming Aware of Abuse
- Choosing to Enter Therapy
- First Six Months of Therapy
- Healing in Layers
- Memory Clusters
- Piecing Memories Back Together
- My Healing Process from Child Abuse: Setting Boundaries
- My Healing Process from Child Abuse: Changes in My Relationships
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Thank you for sharing your story with us, I have read it everyday, and everyday I have felt that little bit more understood and admired you more and more.
Your’s is the first website I can come to and know that the shame I feel is not mine to hold onto. Because others have been through similar horrors and more.
Thank you.
Thank you, FaithAllen 🙂 It must have been extremely traumatic for you. I am a PTSD patient but I feel your pain is much much worse than mine. I pray that God will bless your family with peace & love.
Thank you and good effort!
Thank YOU for sharing and for your incredible communication skills. You put a lot of work into this, so I hope that it’s helped you to archive it all as much as it has helped us… and will continue to help others in the future.
You rock Faith.
Peace,
mia
Thank you so much for sharing! I know it took a lot.
Lothlorien
Hey Faith,
I just wanted to thank -you- for sharing your story like this with us. I know it must’ve taken a lot of courage to sort through everything again, and in turn that gives me courage to keep on going, to not give up.
It’s difficult to sift through all the thoughts in your head when you know what a terrible thing started them, but you’re telling of your story has given me strength to give it a go.
Thank you Faith!
I’ll be praying for you,
Janet
Thank you Faith this has been a tremendous help.
May your journey continue with immeasurable blessings 🙂
barbi
[…] Next […]
wow. Thank you so much for sharing.
Faith, I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve been through, your an incredibly strong woman to not only have survived through all your trying times, but to also share your story with the world must so very hard, so congratulations for that.
Every time you mentioned that you felt a presence with you or a sign from god, it made me tear up because I think lately I’ve lost a bit of faith, but you’ve helped me feel a connection again and for that I am also grateful.
I wish you and your sister the best of luck on your road to recovery, it will be long and hard but I hope it will give you what your looking for.
Thanks, Paola. :0)
– Faith
I just finished reading your story. I want to say that I was drawn to it for some strange reason, which I am unable to explain. I’ve been fighting with my family for several years, but recently, it has become unbearable & I don’t know why. I know there’s got to be a reason & I keep praying to God that He’ll tell me why I have so much animosity towards my mother, in particular. I remember a lot of things she did to me, but I suspect there is more that I can’t remember. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have felt so alone & it helps me to know that someone else out there has felt the way I do & has been sucessful in conquering the pain. My counselor told me I suffer from PTSD from severe child abuse. I know I need further therapy, but haven’t been going because I, like you, am afraid. See, my parents expected me to be a perfectionist & they are already treating me like an “outsider” & like I’m the one who’s crazy. I am scared to find out that it might be more than PTSD. I have SO MUCH anger inside towards my mother. I feel like I can’t move on in my life.
Hi, Stephanie.
I strongly encourage you to return to therapy. It is better to know the truth. You don’t have to be “perfect” to be loved — you are lovable just as you are. You don’t have to “earn” your place at the table — you are welcome at the table just because you are you.
– Faith
I found your blog in search of more info on Black Swan and I just read your story which made a big impression on me. I think you’re a brave woman sharing this story and I wish you all the best for the future.
Thank you, Kim. :0)
– Faith
Faith, I’ve just read your story. I’m feeling a jumble of things; it’s a little scary and I feel a little sick, but I’m going to focus on the good feelings of connectedness and gratutude for your gift of honesty, and your willingness to be an instrument to help me and so many others.
So much of your story resonated. I have been “working through” these issues for a very long time and sometimes, especially lately, I feel intensely discouraged that my childhood experiences are still so disruptive.
After 20 yrs. of therapy I am just starting understand the extent of damage to my sexuality–and really my sense of even being human in that regard. What you wrote about the connection between thoughts of abusive acts and sexual response–how were you able to “banish” those from your head?
L
Hi, Lu.
I am still working on that. Once I made a choice not to incorporate reliving my abuse in my head during sex, I stopped having any hope of an orgasm during sex. This has been true for a while now, which is frustrating for my husband. I refuse to go back to hurting myself emotionally to do it, but I also don’t know how to move forward to a healthier place yet. Like you, I am still coming to terms with the extent of the damage done to my sexuality. :0(
– Faith
Firstly I wish to say that your courage, strength and love is heartlifting and inspiring. Secondly I wish to say that I am married to a most beautiful woman who is my soulmate, who also knows these pains. Our love and prayers go to you for eternity. You will help many in your own healings and path. You have helped my wife dramatically(she found your blog, read it under great difficultity and showed me when she was ready). You have helped me enormously. You have helped our love.
We Thank you very much. We are sorry for your pain (and we are sorry for all this pain that many feel one way or another) and are encouraged by your love, strength and courage.
Those who suffer great pain and stay true to their soul know this…, Angels in Heaven sing about you and God always hear.
Thanks, Royce.
I am having a tough week, so this message was perfect timing! :0)
– Faith
Anytime Faith :)) Love and support will not only help save us all but will carry us all to a better world. I wish I could help more. Love and prayers always to you and your sister and to us all. Again thank you.
Things are ok, they are going to be good, then they will be amazing.
Love Peace
Royce
Everybody has a story and every story matters. Your pain is known and you will heal. Remember your Soul Song. ♥
This is our motto, hope it helps any who read it.
I’m sitting here crying at 3 am because I couldn’t stop reading your story. I’m crying for you, and for me beause I now realize how fucked up my whole life has been and I’m missing whole blocks of my childhood memories. I know someone who was sold by her teenage uncle for drugs to ritual abusers. She had no memory of it till her cousin, who was sold at the same time and did remember it, told her about it. Since then she’s been completely unable to function in the world and has been institutionalized. I’m 69. I’m afraid to learn what happened to me. But my son also hardly remembers anything about his childhood and I wonder what I may have done. I love him and he seems to have worked through a lot so that he now can relate to me in what seems to be a normal way. I’ve never had a successful reationship with a man and I have no real friends. I’m totally alone. I tried to go off my anti-depressant but after nearly 3 months off, I became more suicidal than I ever was before I started taking it, so I’m back on it and it’s rare that I have an orgasm. Most of my adult life was spent going from one man to another looking for unconditional love (I’m a typical “borderline personality” — “I Hate You — Don’t Leave me”). I thought I was loved when a man was having sex with me. I hated my mother. I loved my father. But I think he may have molested me. I don’t want to find out that he did because that would mean neither parent loved me and that would mean nobody has ever loved me. I don’t feel that I’m unlovable so I don’t understand why nobody loves me. I’m sorry — I could go on writing about this for days but this isn’t the place. Since my son seems to have found a way to survive pretty happily, I don’t know whether I should see a shrink & remember what happened to me and feel the feelings and possibly become totally dysfunctional (as it is, I’m about 2% functional) like my friend, or just leave it alone, live alone, and probably die alone. I could be dead in my house for a month before anyone would notice anything was wrong.
I meant to say I’m so sorry that all those horrible things happened to you and your sister. Nobody deserves that. I don’t understand why these cults exist. Obviously these people are insane. You are amazingly strong to have opened Pandora’s box and survived.
I am pleased that you wrote of this. Its good for the public to know that these things happen. And that children are victims of both females and male adults and can be abused in the most sickest ways.
The mother-daughter child abuse is a problem that society has chosen to look the other way on. And so it continues to go on and young daughters are being abused.
The blocking-off of the issues are from the mind trying to protect ones sanity. When we are older and able to deal with what happened the memories come flooding back. Its scary and many of us have these black-outs of memory and we cannot understand why we fear fire, or heights, or something else like this. When the memory comes back we realise why.
Also an adult can abuse a child and not know why they have a desire to do so and its when the memory of child-abuse comes back that it is realized. And as you stated certain things may turn-us-on and that triggers orgasms and then shock and disgust.
I can vouch for the things that you wrote of in your life – I too have some amazingly scary things still to deal with and some forms of abuse are there, some dreams, strange feelings and parts of some very scary memories. I am still putting much of this together in my opwn life.
I also know of some females who as young adults and teenagers who are struggling with being abused by their mothers and the affects that it had on them.
Check out this page anyone who is interested in this topic.
http://www.hopesurvivors.org.uk/mother_daughter.html
I am a male but do believe that in very many ways I went through what you did Faith. Lots I cannot remember, but so many little tidbits including some very nasty teenage girls that used to stay with my family when I was about 9 and they liked to hurt me. Your story may hopefully help me with this too. I have no personality problems but have had much depressions, and agoraphobia, confusions as an adult.
Your writing is reaching out to help others.
Thank you for your compassion and courage. It takes a tremendous amount of bravery to open up to oneself in the way you are doing and I’m so glad you have sound support as you do so. Your recollection of being in the box reminds me of being in a floatation tank as an adult when my husband was terminally ill. ‘I’ went ‘somewhere’ and ‘returned’ with the message “You’re not here to learn about love, you’re here to become love. When you’re no longer in body, you’ll need to be Love.” I understand that at a very deep level, it supports my life and puts everything into perspective. Everything we pass through has this purpose as its motivation. I offer this as support, and not in any way to minimize recognition of the enormous suffering you and others who have been intentionally abused have endured. I wish you well in your continuing journey of profound healing and thank you again, for sharing it with your fellow travellers.
Wow this is so sad, yet how you survived is Also unbelievably inspiring. Is there a way I can contact you outside of just leaving a comment?
Hi, Grace.
My email address is listed on the “About Faith Allen” tab at the top of the page. :0)
– Faith
I read everything you wrote about your abuse and journey to healing
I am deeply moved and I admire your inner strength and courage.
Also it’s very moving to read about how much you love your son and how protective you are of him, you were able to break the cycle of abuse and be a good mother for him even if you didn’t have a great example of how.
My mother is a survivor from mother-daughter abuse and for most of her life she struggled with it, but when she found God she realized that the only true love we have and the only parent who loves us unconditionally is God, and it is the force that helps us survive and evolve as some people have a greater destiny, and with their story they help others to heal.
I hope you have cut ties with your mother, she is a scorpion and her very existance is based on hurting others, you don’t need that.
Thank you for sharing your story,
Love and best wishes.
@ James what you said is def. true…..my whole family looked the other way and could obviously see something was very wrong with my mother. Now that im half way comming out with the truth, i say only half way because i cant even speak on some of the stuff she said and did to me. No one speaks to me I go to no more family gatherings and the only one that talks to me is my sister from my dad. My dad talks to me sometimes but hes still under my mothers controlling finger. It is a sick world we live in where no one is protecting our children. I would die fighting to protect my child, she will have no contact with my mother.
faith, i just read your story and i want to say you are an AMAZING person. never have i ever come across someone so incredible and strong. keep up the good work! i hope your story can help others.
hi faith i was searching for examples of free association to finish of a college assignment, when i came across your story! WOW what a brave strong women you really are.i couldn’t stop reading page after page how you have had the strength to re-live all those memories is beyond me. i hope you and your sister will have a brave and hopeful road to recovery and thank you once again for sharing your story.
Sami
You are indeed incredibly brave. I’ve seen what opening Pandora’s box can do to a person. I suspect I was molested as a child, but at 69, having messed my poor son up, having missed opportunities to have a career, and therefore having pretty well screwed up my life (not to mention 3 relationships) there’s no way I’m going to open MY Pandora’s box. I’m just going to live out the rest of my life having my suspicious sexual fantasies and keeping my mouth shut.
Elizabeth,
I just wanted to say that Faith is not the only strong one here. Whatever has happened to you must have been horrible, and even at 69, you owe it to yourself to try to live without the guilt. Please don’t give up. Please seek help. You are strong enough to have survived abuse, you can be strong now.
Faith, your story moved me beyond words. Thank you.
Just finished your story. Thank you so much for your courage.
Blessings,
CLJ.
Wow. Just Wow.
Faith, you and the other women here leave me in absolute awe. You are all in my prayers, both for your continued healing and that others are reached and healed by your beautiful honesty. This was the most heartbreaking story I’ve ever read, but it shows what God can truly do. I recently was made a youth pastor with my husband over a group of South Asian refugee teens, and after talking about sex and purity recently, I realized I have some concern over a few of our girls and if they might have been abused. That’s how I found your site.
I’m so sorry for the things you experienced at the hands of some who claimed to be Christians. It really is true that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled is convincing the world he doesn’t exist, and the worst of that sometimes comes out in churches. Sad, but true. We can manipulate emotional religious experiences all we want– but Christ isn’t some looming figure to modify our behavior. He’s the guy there beside a little girl suffering, experiencing every moment of pain with her and providing hope for the future (and eventual justice against the abusers).
The truth is, I believe the heart of God is closest to people who have seen and experienced the worst the world has to offer because his heart breaks for what humans have become and what we’re capable of doing to each other. Thank you again for sharing your powerful story.
All I can say is I am horrified by what happened to you and amazed you survived the abuse. That you managed to block the earliest memories is probably a blessing. It completely shocks me how hideous and vile some people are. There are just no words to describe adequately how much I admire your inner strength. I am in awe of your ability to survive everything you did. Each page of abuse in your story seemed almost worse than the last until the most recent pages.
I don’t know what else to say except I am truly sorry you had such a hellish upbringing. Compassion flooded through me as I read every dark, horrifying detail of your story. I’m deeply moved by everything you’ve been through and your courage and strength to chronicle the details on this blog for others to read. Thank you so much for baring your soul and sharing your story. I’m certain you’ve helped someone because of it.
HI, just read your story, I have remembered my abuse only in the last six months I am in my early 50s I can relate to almost everything you went through. My parents put me into a abues ring. I was raped constantly witnessed the death of at least two other children, one in a ritual robes and all, then after being raped uncountable times she was killed everyone was excited I just saw the red patch on her white robes getting larger, the other time they killed a girl made me do things to her cold body and made me spend the night cuddled up to her cold staring body, she was my friend. like you i was pissed on shat opon and forced to eat my own vomit, I was also put into a box – a coffin to be exact, I would scream that I would do whatever they wanted if they would let me out, to keep me quiet they made me kick a child then told me I had killed him. They told me if I did not go along with it they will do it to my two brothers, I am still remembering things. I feel your pain thanks for sharing it with us, My mum told me constantly that nobody cares nobody likes me im worthless and I shuold shut up, guess what you me and all survivors are the strongest people, they could not break me as a little frightened kid they arent going to do it now I am going to become the best i can and try to fulfill the vast untapped potential I believe I have and every goal I reach is defeat for the cowardly scum that abused me. I wish you well and thanks again.
Wow, Faith. I just finished reading your story and my heart is broken for the defenceless child version of you you (and your sister) and for both of you as you continue to heal. First off, I’m so sorry about the ways in which you suffered and were terrorized. Your abusers are/were pure evil. Secondly, thank-you so very much for being so courageous and for willing to relive your experiences in part for the healing of others. Your trauma has absolutely not defined you, and your grace, light, and kindness are heart-wrenchingly beautiful. I cannot thank you enough. I’ve received minimal counselling through my university for sexual abuse (that I believe I suffered as a child and that I know I suffered as a freshman in my dorm room whilst I was asleep), but you have inspired me to seek someone more qualified and specialized, and to do so immediately. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you. Much love and light ❤
I am awed by your bravery. You are an amazing human being and an inspiration.