Blooming Lotus

I guess this is not going to be the week for restful sleep! I am shaking after awakening from the following dream:

I had to paint a very detailed statue (think Nativity scene but not religious in any way), and I am doing it to replicate a complex statue that my mother painted when she was younger. (My mother and sister are both talented with painting, sketching, and drawing. I can barely draw a stick figure. As a child, my mother would have the three of us paint statues as childhood activities.) I can see my mother’s, and it is beautiful. Mine, not so much (which would be true if I actually tried to do this real life).

There were many facets to the statue, including several bananas. I was wearing very nice clothing and did not want to get paint on it, but I was sure I could do this messy job without getting messy myself. My mother was there, and I was painting in my church’s parking lot (the church that I attend today).

Some people from my church came to help unload our baggage. We had a lot – both my mother and me – but they were only taking my stuff into the church (which was where I was apparently staying for some reason). I needed to put the statue away before I could help, and I didn’t want anyone touching my “essential” baggage (very large navy blue suitcase on wheels) because it had everything I needed even if all of the other baggage was “lost.”

My mother’s baggage was being unloaded to go to a man’s house. In real life, she has apparently been having a chaste friendship with a man for a couple of years – he wants more but she doesn’t, and my sister thinks he is using his relationship with her as a cover (she has many theories – he is gay, a serial rapist, etc., and needs to appear to have a girlfriend as a “cover”). I haven’t met the man, so I have no idea. I can only tell you that my mother is mentally ill, poor, and claims to despise sex, so I question the motives of any man chasing her.

Back to the dream…All of these church people are taking her baggage over to go to this guy’s house where they are going to live together without getting married. I was really bothered by this. Different people that I knew from high school walked by without acknowledging me. I went up to my Sunday School teacher and asked him why the church was being supportive and helpful of my mother choosing to “live in sin” when a church (not my church) kicked out someone my age for “living in sin” with her boyfriend. He said it’s different for my mother.

Then, these judgmental people came to move the rest of the baggage and took my “essential bag.” I told them I could take it myself, but they threw it in a cart with some other things. I followed them because I wasn’t going to let the bag out of my sight. They said that I was the one holding my mother back – that she wanted to marry the man but wouldn’t as long as I was not in her life. They were supporting her in doing “wrong” because she could not do “right” due to my choice to keep her out of my life.

I felt guilty and thought about whether I should reconcile with her. Then, I got angry because all of these people were judging me, and I was not the cause of the problem. I thought about the things that my mother did to me throughout my childhood, and I became angrier as these people kept pulling the cart with my essential baggage in it. Then, I woke up shaking.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

Read Full Post »

I had some bizarre dreams last night. First, I was washing dishes by hand in the kitchen sink (something I hate to do). I had just finished, but then more appeared, and I got to work at washing them. I was working very hard on a bowl coated in oatmeal when two sets of hands (one set on either side of me) started washing the rest of them. I looked up and found two men – nice college-age boys who were living in our house – washing them for me. I was so surprised because it is always my job to do all of the cleaning. I felt very special that they would help, and their reaction was that they were just pitching in – no big deal.

Then, I was living in my mother’s house as a teenager again. I was asleep in my bed when I heard the door open and my mother say, “Rise and shine!” like she used to do when I was a kid. She did this at the same time that two radio alarms went off in my room – one beside my bed and one on the stereo across the room. I was angry with her for doing this because I was responsible enough to wake myself up without her help.

I got out of bed, and I was overwhelmed by the numerous large piles of clean clothes all over my room. I turned off the alarm by my bed right away, but I had a hard time finding the power button to the stereo. The button had moved from its usual place, and I could not find it.

I went to the bathroom (same location as in my current house) to brush my teeth, and I was aghast to see the college boys walking around wearing nothing but towels while I was in my pajamas. (Keep in mind that I was a teenager in this dream.) I couldn’t use another bathroom, though, because renovations were going on, and the room they were using was a guest room being added onto this bathroom. So, I had to brush my teeth with these guys walking in and out. They didn’t even seem to notice me, but I felt uncomfortable being so “exposed” with a wall torn out of my bathroom.

I woke up and then went back to sleep. Here was the second round … I was so tired, and I just wanted to be able to sleep. A male friend of mine from college was there – someone I trusted who never once tried to take advantage of me. I kept wanting to sleep with him nearby so I would know that I was safe. (Side note – This has been a recurring theme in my dreams lately – seeking out “safe” people in my dreams to watch over me or let me sleep in their beds so I can sleep.)

There was also part of the dream that took place in a restaurant. A high school friend kept asking me why I wouldn’t call her at her new phone number. I kept telling her that it wasn’t safe. She kept saying that nothing had changed, but I got her to admit that the phone would ring at a public place, so we had no privacy when we talked. I kept wanting to sleep and kept trying to be with safe people so I could sleep.

Any theories on what this means? I know that bathroom dreams are about the most private part of yourself (bedrooms are pretty private, too). The piled clothing and kitchen sink represent my emotional “baggage.” I am a teenager in the dream (all high school and early college), so this relates to my mother’s abuse during that time and/or the college rapes. That was a period in my life of feeling very unsafe no matter where I went.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

Read Full Post »