I have been working on recovering a memory for a while, and I finally got enough of it to blog about. I am still reeling from it (writing this the morning after), so I am just going to write the memory. I haven’t had time to process it yet.
A few nights ago, I “saw” myself standing in the woods. It was this time of year – most of the leaves had fallen from the trees, but the leaves on the ground were still fairly fresh. It was during the daytime, and I saw the people in black hooded robes walking toward me. They were scattered, coming from different directions as if none of them were together and just randomly happened to be walking toward me in the woods. I rarely have memories of the ritual abuse happening during the day, which was disconcerting.
That’s as far as I got the other night. Then, last night (I am writing this on Monday morning), my head started hurting really badly like it does when I have a memory coming. I saw that one hooded figure was carrying a body – a limp body with the hair hanging down toward the ground. The body wasn’t held in a loving way like when you cradle a hurt child. It was held out to be dramatic – “Look! See! This child is dead.”
I tried to absorb seeing a “dead” body when the next wave of the flashback came – that body was of my baby sister. At this point, I experienced internal conflict. The adult me knows that my sister is alive today, but the child me believed her baby sister was dead. I had to reconcile the internal conflict by validating the horror of seeing my sister dead while, at the same time, reassuring myself that she is alive today.
Then, the next wave came – They were carrying her to me because I had “killed” her. That piece is just in flashes with the adult me filling in the blanks. They forced me to smother her with something (a rag?? a pillow??) laced with chloroform or equivalent. I was very gentle because I didn’t want to smother her, but the substance knocked her out, and I believed she was dead from me smothering her.
Then, back to the woods … They were carrying her body there for me to bury. I couldn’t handle any more and shut it down. I tossed and turned for hours, unable to sleep. I am exhausted this morning, and my head really hurts.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I am so sorry you have this work to do and I am proud of you for doing it. I feel it will be a very good thing for you to have done it. It helps me to keep going with my memory work.
I do want to verify with out taking over you blog that some of these ceremonies are done in daylight in my case followed by things at night.
For me it is painful to my brain when the memories come from where ever they are stored to where they need to be. It really comes down to the pain of not processing them is grater than the pain of processing them. Not a nice choice. Nothing for it. It was not my choice the choice was made by others.
I have some memories that are tied into the time if year by the fauna. Those are spring leaves in the bottom of the water, the timothy grass is in seed so it is late summer, Indian pipe stems are out so that means almost late summer. Some are by where the sun is in the sky. Others are by space/place. It is part of what I identify as my reptilian brain.
I am processing memories this morning. I did the bed clothes check and as they are all in disarray it is time.
Thanks, Michael.
I sense there is more (actually, you’ll read the next part on Friday, which is even more horrific) to be recovered, and perhaps that ties into something happening that night. It’s possible that I already recovered that part but haven’t linked the two. I don’t know, only that my head really hurts. I am trying to pace myself in processing this, but it’s hard.
– Faith
It has abated as I have done the work, It took me longer to recover from memory work physically than a 1/2 marathon. When it goes well and there are really four parts; preparing,having the memories come into my consciousnesses then “correlating” everything to the now each part was a hard physically as a 1/2 marathon. At each part there is a huge risk of some other memory interrupting it which seems to make it harder to do next time and there is still the now that can mess it all up.
Interesting. I did the 1/2 marathon 15 years ago in an attempt to not do the work.,
I wrote a long comment which I deleted which was tying somethings together.
This does get easier never easy.
One of the most complicated things for me is when at one “event” I had flashbacks to others. Many different ages in many different times.
I drew the cages that two people I loved were in this morning. A 10 year old and her baby brother. Both killed over time when I was three. I drew the cage and the locks open. You see grieving is not for others it is about your loss.
Faith,
I think the pace thing is an illusion. I have never met anyone who can pace once the memory gets to a certain place in the memory. I feel it is blaming and scapegoating when not pacing is seen as a failure. It is that hard is what should be the focus.
This does not mean that there are not things that can be done or anything more I am not overwhelmed this is overwhelming.
Just so you know I am wound up as I am in the middle of processing,
I cannot even begin to comprehend all of this….it’s just so much. But I want you to know that I stumbled upon your blog yesterday and read for hours and hours. See I’m a survivor myself. It’s something I’ve carried around for 18 years or so as a secret. Kept in the dark. Only revealing little pieces to my mom when I was a child and never telling the whole story. I was ashamed. Embarrassed. It was my fault, right? Well I did get some therapy and realized that no it wasn’t my fault…but there was still a part of me that remained ashamed and embarrassed. And then after hours or reading this site and your stories and the comments afterwards I realized that I’m not alone. That everything I’ve gone through to get to the point I’m at now is normal. That all the shame is normal. That it can get better. This blog very well may have saved me from myself. Thank you for being so open.
Oh Faith.. I know I say this probably every time you recover something really horrible, but it bears repeating. You are a MIRACLE!
I’m sorry you are having to remember such terror… I don’t even know what to say, other than I’m here, listening.
Sending you peace and a safe ((hug)),
mia
Dear Faith,
I have no words, only understanding (except it wasn’t my sibling) and my heart aches for you.
Sending gentle hugs and kind comfort
Ruby
These things that happened are not you; they are just things that happened to you. It is safe now. You are safe. And loved. And not alone.
Thanks, Karen.
That made me cry (in a good way). I really appreciate hearing those words over and over again.
– Faith
I’m so sorry. We’re here and listening.
Faith your process of recovering memories is very different to mine, because I am instead ‘told’ what happened as I recover the feelings but I very rarely have visual images. That said, I have recovered visual memories just divorced in time from the time that I have recovered the feelings.
I am really sorry you have gone through this, how horrific.
I ‘know’ my worst memories of all, those I haven’t faced yet, involve abuse perpetrated on my sister. I believe those memories will come in time. I have terrible memories of stabbing other children.
Did you ever report all your abuse to the police? It would be marvellous if there was hope of justice but I know that’s a personal decision and your self matters first of all.
Let’s hope for peace.
Hi, A x.
This happened in the late 1970’s, so I don’t see the point of reporting it now. My abusers are all either old or dead. Here’s hoping they are rotting in hell.
– Faith
Just to add also that my inner’s beliefs that we are a murderer/psychopath like them were some of the very hardest to deal with over the past year for me. If there is a child part of you who feels they did kill your sister and are now like the abusers, please reassure them that they had no choice and they are good and there is redemption for everyone.
Hi, A x.
Thankfully, I dealt with those issues a few years ago. One of my struggles right now is that the adult me knows it was all a ruse and that my sister is fine. Meanwhile, the child me is completely traumatized. Merging these two parts together is tough. I have a lot of grief to process. I am not dealing with shame or guilt. I am also (surprisingly) NOT dealing with suicidal urges.
– Faith
Sorry, me again!
I found this article very useful on the impact of and healing from having killed whilst under control of cult:
http://endritualabuse.org/healing/spiritual-and-psychological-resolution-of-the-pain-and-torment-of-having-abused-or-killed-while-victimized-by-ritual-abuse-and-mind-control/
Powerful reading (thanks to Michael for once pointing me to this site via a comment on here)
Love from my soul to you Faith, to all. You are a true warrior. Your healings are definite, and you are becoming you.
This video is not specifically related but I think we all can relate to it, so I share
http://au.news.yahoo.com/queensland/a/-/mp/12200640/emotional-video-shows-rescued-dogs-set-free-for-the-first-time/
How awful! The mind games these people “play” never cease to amaze me. My gosh! I cam’t even begin to imagine how horrifying thatwas for you.
Lothlorien
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Hi Faith,
I am sorry this happened to you – sometimes the remembering feels worse than the living through it. I also had a similar experience. They had threatened to kill my sister because I would not do something they wanted me to do. They held a gun to her head, but ended up killing someone else. It was only very recently that I have done some work letting go of the deeply entrenched guilt brought about by this horror. I have always felt like I could never do enough in my quest to help others which was driven by my feelings of utter helplessness, powerlessness, and a false feeling of responsibility. I am finally starting to let go of this – 42 years later.
I think there is some truth to time being the healer of most wounds. Many blessings to you while you ride out this terrible storm. The waters will eventually calm again.
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