karlht | Entries tagged with depression

Things did, in fact, come crashing down. But I have survived, so far. And I continue to put one foot in front of the other.

It doesn't feel particularly safe for me to post on the Internet at the moment, but I am writing. Not huge amounts, but slowly and consistently. And I am still walking, every day.

So I'll take the victories where I can find them, take care of the people I can take care of, and build community wherever I can.

These are ill-omened times, my friends and loved ones. Take care of one another, and take care of the strangers in your midst as best you can, so they may cease to be strangers and become neighbours and friends.

This is what community means to me: We help each other, we defend each other, we celebrate and mourn together. When one of us does harm to another, we acknowledge that, and we do what we can to mend it.

May you all find your communities, and may they keep you going.

Current Mood: determined

It is so loud inside my head that I'm having trouble getting words to come out.

Somehow I manage to get up in the morning, get myself dressed, and stumble through the day. But I have no idea how I keep doing it.

One step and then the next, until it all comes crashing down.

Current Mood: numb
Current Location: the house on the hill
Current Music: the alternating cacophony and silence in my head

Passed a million steps, since I started measuring on July 7. *throws confetti*

The last three weeks have been like hiking through molasses. I have mostly made step-count, but I have also gone entire days without measuring my blood sugar because I just wanted to eat and eat and eat.

Thank you to the couple of people who reached out to me when the weekly posting didn't appear. My audience here is not large, but it is very supportive. Thank you.

I can barely face the prospect of the US mid-terms and their (lack of) aftermath. As is usual when I enter one of these phases, I am continuing forward mostly out of habit. This is why I worked so hard to establish the habits while it was still mostly light out, and before I re-engaged with the world. The habits are serving me pretty well right now, but oof.

I had a lovely trip to Minneapolis, and the chill on my skin felt wonderful. But now I want to hibernate, to set my alarm clock for "Spring," and just hide myself away through the coming awful season. But I can't go back to disengaging, because I'm afraid I'll never ever want to come out again. And there are so many who need comfort just as much as I do: my trans colleagues, my Jewish friends, my comrades who are mentally ill. I am not obligated to finish this work, but I sure as hell am not free to abandon it, either. My love is all I have for this world, and in the end, it doesn't matter whether it's enough or not; it's everything I have, everything I am. Every teaspoon counts, every person comforted is that much less pain in the world. So I get up in the morning and do it all over again.

Current Mood: determined
Current Location: up on the hill
Current Music: the neighbours playing video games

Last week was the first week I dropped below 8k steps/day on average. I also had serious resistance to making a summary post, since I had convinced myself no one was reading them anyway. This, for those who are not already having light bulbs go off over their heads, is a sign that I'm depressed. I am reluctant to engage, pulling back from friends, and not scheduling things like lab work and follow-up psych appointments. Even as I write this, I am not entirely certain that I am going to post it.

Lisa is out of the house this week; I dropped her off at the airport early this morning. Ordinarily this would mean more time with friends for me, but the people I usually spend time with are busy doing other things. And to tell the truth, I am not really feeling terribly social. Making new friends seems like it would be the thing to do, but just the idea of it is exhausting.

The world is on fire, of course, in a very nearly literal sense. Between the not-so-slow spiral into post-democracy of US politics, the rise of the right everywhere I look, and the news about the future of the planet, it's hard to find reasons to be hopeful. Some of my friends and colleagues are having babies and raising children, and I am grateful for them, because I don't have the heart, and this is something I've known about myself since before I had internalized that I was depressed. But I worry about the world those kids are going to inherit.

What do you do when depression and withdrawal seem to be perfectly rational responses to a country that hates more than half its population and a world where the greed-heads have by far the majority of the power?

So yes, this is the "I lift my head up and the world comes crashing in" that I was worried about early in my recovery. And it's every bit as overwhelming as I feared it would be. So, if you see me this week, ask first, but a hug or holding my hand or just quietly sitting with me would be most welcome.

Those of you in NC and Florida, I'm thinking good thoughts your way. Watch out for each other, please.

Current Mood: sad
Current Location: the house on the hill
Current Music: neighbourhood and freeway sounds

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Karl T.

Rough start to 2020

Still alive

Week eighteen (with a few stumbles)

Week fifteen (and then some)

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December 2023

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