DEAR JANE: My wife has a terrifying bedroom problem and it has destroyed our sex life
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Dear Jane,
My wife and I have been together for a decade and we've been so happy that looking back on those ten years, they feel more like two.
We have three children. After our third was born last year we decided to look for a bigger house in the suburbs.
For seven months we hunted for the perfect property and we were both at our wits' ends. Finally in September, we found what seemed to be the perfect home.
It was huge, near a great school and it had a beautiful yard. We were so ecstatic that we told the real estate agent right then and there: we'll take it. Only then did the agent reveal the catch: the last owner had died in the master bedroom.
I didn't think anything of it. The owner was old and had died of natural causes, and the agent only told us because in California you legally have to disclose any deaths in the last three years.
But my wife felt differently. Immediately she started saying she could feel a negative energy coming from upstairs.
I tried to calm her down and reassure her by reminding her she hadn't felt the negative energy before the agent mentioned the death and that she was probably just tired.
Dear Jane: My wife has a 'paranormal' bedroom problem and it's ruined our sex life.
Eventually, she came around and we bought the house and moved in. Then the problems started.
The very first night we slept there, we cracked open a bottle of Champagne to celebrate, and after the kids went to bed we went upstairs to our new room. We got into bed and I tried to kiss my wife, but all of a sudden she just shook her head, wide-eyed.
Taken aback, I asked her what was wrong. In response, she whispered: it's haunted.
My wife had never believed in ghosts, so I tried to laugh it off. But she was having none of it and has since flat-out refused to have sex in the bedroom.
She doesn't mind sleeping there, but sex is absolutely off the cards. Apparently the spirit only feels ominous when we begin romantic relations.
From,
(Lack of) Spirit
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear (Lack of) Spirit,
As hard as this may be to hear, your wife might not be quite as happy in your marriage as you are.
Her refusal to have sex is probably not due to to her sensing a paranormal presence. Though, ghosts are certainly a far more inventive excuse to avoid sex than, say, a headache.
There may be something else going on in your bedroom.
The key to bringing intimacy back into your marriage is not going to involve hiring an exorcist. It will be through open communication.
Consider that her lack of sex drive may be hormonal, or perhaps due to exhaustion from having young children. It may even be that she is carrying resentments that she has not been able to voice to you.
Regardless of what the root of this issue is, you won't find it out unless you demand an honest conversation.
Confront her (nicely) over her somewhat ridiculous excuse that the bedroom is haunted (not haunted enough to move beds, mind you).
If it is indeed the case that your wife is feeling overwhelmed, I would suggest that she's convinced that she's shouldering too much of the burden in the family. That may leave a person boiling with resentment. And nothing makes a woman feel less in the mood than secretly resenting her husband.
Support her as much as possible with childcare, housework and with her job anxieties. Even your concern will help alleviate her stress and, hopefully, put her in a better headspace and re-invigorate your sex life.
Intimacy is vital to maintaining a healthy marriage and I am shocked at how many couples I know have not had sex for many years. Often those unions end in separation.
I highly recommend seeing a couples's therapist who can help you and your wife talk about what's really going on in your relationship.
