Paint Drying

Paint Drying

Hate to make another one, but here it is. Writing on what is my 3rd Anniversary of me joining Letterboxd, but this isn't a good thing I'm writing about. I'm here to discuss where have I been the last few months, and how much I fell off.

So what happened is that I was in a poor mood. a mood where I don't like movies, and refusing to share my thoughts on movies, cause I feel that I would be laughed at, or not taken seriously. Why not take myself seriously you make ask? Well it's a piece of trauma that ultimately destroyed my mental health and perspectives on sharing opinions out of fear of being mocked. So basically, I was in a bad mood, and I got a bit mad with some people over some opinions, and acting a bit sensitive and overprotective. Such as Suzume, where I don't think it's a masterpiece by any means, but a movie I can get over with and mean a lot to me, since it's finally a good movie that came out on my birthday after the mid-crap movies that came out on my day, and other topics I don't remembered. And my frustration got the worst of me and I've made a threat to one of the members, that being Walter, which I instantly regretted but too late to undo now that it's posted on Discord forever. And instantly I felt awful on what I did to him, myself, the others. After all this, I got demoted, left the server (or maybe kicked), and lost some followers in the process. And for a few months, I was left in a slump, and losing the mood to watch movies out of guilt. And knowing that I damaged my reputation. For what I did, I was able to apologize to Walter for what I did, and unlike a certain someone I'll get to later, I got out of letterboxd and took a break. Maybe a bit too long, since for almost a month, I didn't used letterboxd for a while, and even removed my pfp and bio to a code that admittedly confused people, when it was supposed to be a code to decode. What was the code? Might Retire Soon in reverse. Yes, at one point I was considering quitting Letterboxd forever out of guilt of my actions, and feeling that Letterboxd would be better without me.

And I know I'm a few weeks late to the party, but I am aware of the Kyler incident and jesus christ. I thankfully didn't interact with Kyler, but I had problems with him. Like whenever I make a review, he would mass like my reviews, which is getting annoying quickly. It also makes me fear that Kyler would be the only one who will like my reviews, even when my reviews started dropping likes. After he got exposed recently. I finally blocked him and don't have to deal with anymore nonsense. But it gives me a fear I had...

So basically I don't have any irl friends to hang out with, and during these times where I'm gone, I just spent my time going out on my own, feeling a bit lonely. Letterboxd was the closest to finding true friends online, and that makes me happy. But after I fucked up my reputation, and losing followers, it gives me a fear of loneliness, but at the same time accepting losing followers as consequences and I can't beg them to follow me back again, cause that's desperate. And also, I occasionally think everyone's life would be better if I never existed. Cause think about it. I didn't do anything that made an impact to letterboxd. No contribution to the community or anything. I feel like a disappointment. I can't seem to get friends, or a gf either. And even when I showed my generosity to a girl, only liked as a friend, and worse part is that she's already taken.

I don't know what's next for me, I still feel like a disappointment and a failure in life who is nothing but trouble. But I took a break and learned the ways of my errors. And I still feel a bit down, but accepting that there's no escaping from what I did and can't hide/try to erase my problems. So from then on, If I were to be seen acting a bit angry and being a jerk, please let me know and I'll try to calm down and fix the problem rather than let it escalate even further.

That's all I have, and if you managed to read the whole thing, thanks for reading and understanding the whole thing. I'll be back someday when I feel better and more confident. I'll be at the comments if you want to talk a bit more.

Edit: decided to remove the Amanda part, cause I took it out of context and made it sound like she's being mean on purpose, and I apologize for it.

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