Beasties succeeds by mixing up the plot every 15 minutes or so. First it's a Ghoulies type movie, then its ET, then its an evil gang movie, and on and on.

To give too much away would be a disservice to anyone who wants to watch it - but the plot surrounds an evil gang lead by a psychic overlord who wants to kidnap a brainy nerd named Nelson. But all Nelson wants to do is scientifically study the alien…

Mausoleum is my favorite kind of movie mess. It's as if 2 different filmmakers made this thing: One horribly untalented tv hack and one Argento-like auteur.

The story begins with a ten year old girl at her mother's funeral. The little girl is supposed to leave with her aunt, but instead she runs away - only to conveniently enter the cursed family mausoleum. The little girl is possessed by the demon, and then the movie awkwardly jumps ahead 10 years.…

I watched this last night under the video title - "Slipping into Darkness."

Whatever you want to call it - CRAZED/Slipping into Darkness is a disturbing little flick. I had to turn it off a few times just because it made me feel kind of crummy. And that's not to say that its gory or even all that messed up. It's just one of those movies that gets into the head of a realistic crazy person and lets you just…

Terror on Alcatraz is basically the sequel to "Escape from Alcatraz" that no one knew they wanted. Clint Eastwood's character is all grown up. He's now an abusive, fat, awful acting bald man who lives in various motels with his hot girlfriend. Occasionally he puts cigarettes out on her chest. Also he forgets his lines a lot. But, then, so do most of the actors in this movie.

There's a lot of genres at play here. There's a treasure map,…

I've seen "Valentine" 4 times. FOUR TIMES!!! It's a movie I barely can stand, and yet I've seen this sucker four times! So why is that? There must be something redeeming hidden in the depth of this clunker.

Sigh. Well, let's see:

Valentine is bad. There's no denying it. The acting is bad. It's pretty boring. David Boreanz is in it.

But there's also something decent underneath all of this post 90s WB grime. I think part of my appreciation…

A lot of critics like this loose sequel to Lamberto Bava's Demons movies. I, however, like the gooey stupid first pair a helluva lot better than this one.

The Church starts strong - with a flashback showing the origin of the evil buried underneath "the church." And soon we're left with a very similar premise: A bunch of characters are stuck in an isolated place - only instead of becoming slimy demons everyone is sort of ambiguously becoming crazy. The…

Blood Ties is a made for tv movie (failed tv pilot is probably more accurate) that's a blend of LA LAW and THE LOST BOYS. That's a blend I can really sink my teeth into. Heh heh.

I enjoyed Blood Ties. It's hokey as hell, and it's very TV - but the whole thing is likable enough. The plot is a whole helluva lot like TRUE BLOOD if you replaced the Southern folk with snooty lawyer types. Our main hero…

I thought this movie looked bad, and then suddenly people said: "It's actually really cool!" I got a little excited, because I actually would love for this movie to be really cool. But it's not really cool. It's really just another sad remake (think Total Recall but not quite as bad).

What do you remember about the original ROBOCOP? Is it a bunch of scientists talking in a lab? Good. We have 12 scenes that look like that. Did you…