Terror on Alcatraz
Nathan

Review by Nathan

Terror on Alcatraz 1986

★★★½

Watched 28 Oct 2014

Terror on Alcatraz is basically the sequel to "Escape from Alcatraz" that no one knew they wanted. Clint Eastwood's character is all grown up. He's now an abusive, fat, awful acting bald man who lives in various motels with his hot girlfriend. Occasionally he puts cigarettes out on her chest. Also he forgets his lines a lot. But, then, so do most of the actors in this movie.

There's a lot of genres at play here. There's a treasure map, there's Apatow-like adlibs, there's scenes of fat Clint Eastwood ordering steaks and yelling gay slurs at his waiter. It's really got everything.

Oh yeah! There's also an Alcatraz know it all that just spews facts about the prison. He'd be the main character if this were a normal movie, but its not. Nope, fat Clint Eastwood (the Jason Vorhees of our story) is our central character. Weird.

Here's the "story": About 20 minutes into our movie, a bunch of strangers become friends on the ferry to Alcatraz. They decide to go back to Alcatraz after it closes because they think they recognize the only guy who ever escaped Alcatraz (Fat Clint Eastwood). But instead of partying with Fat Clint Eastwood, they all start getting murdered by him. Why? I don't know. He doesn't even know. He even tells them so much.

After you think the movie's over - the movie keeps going. That's when fat Clint Eastwood orders some steaks. There's also a twist. It's a funny twist that you'll see coming a mile away, but it made me laugh out loud. And the final shot is a grand crappy bit of effect work that makes sitting through a long bank transaction worth it.

The whole thing feels like 3 hours even though its 96 minutes. Maybe its because the tone shifts every 15 minutes. Maybe its because I fell asleep every 35 minutes. Shrug. I feel like I'll never watch it again, but I also have the urge to watch it tomorrow. I guess that means I liked it!

Hurray for "Terror on Alcatraz"!

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