This is my annual “got triggered by the Halloween store” blog entry. I guess I will keep writing it until my 11-year-old son is grown.
My son gets annoyed with me every year that I will not let him buy, or even try on, any costume with a black hood. No exceptions. Non-negotiable. Of course, in his 11-year-old mind, the black-hooded costumes are the scariest and “coolest,” and as an adolescent, he is looking for any way he can to prove that he is no longer a “little kid.”
He placed one hooded mask on his head briefly, and I felt a sharp pain across my head. His friend wanted to try one on, and just that knowledge sent more shooting pains through my head. I told the friend that my son would have to let her know how the costume looks because seeing children in black hooded robes makes me sick.
Last night, I have flashback nightmares. I reenacted one of my more heinous memories. I could feel and hear the same sensations I experienced when the event actually happened, and I jolted awake pouring sweat with my heart pounding. I eventually went back to sleep but continued having nightmares. I gave up at 4:30 a.m.
Photo credit: Microsoft
i can relate to how difficult this is for you and the problems of being a parent when your children want to take dress up. I’m sorry you’ve been having nightmares and hope things start to settle for you. I also get shooting pains through my head but have never heard anyone else mention this so thank you for sharing about what happens for you
I can relate to the flashback nightmares. They wreak my sleep patterns because I try to avoid having them for a long time afterwards. It doesn’t even seem like a conscious action, even though I know I’m doing it. Know what I mean?
That’s the pitts. I wonder if there is any way your husband could take over Halloween duty and you take a day off? My husband loves doing Halloween with our son. I know it would still be hard, but it may not be as much so.
My good thoughts are with you.
Peace,
m
Hi, Mia.
Hub focuses on the money and buying the cheapest costume (even though I pay for it out of what I earn), so kiddo does not want to shop with his dad. At least I can check buying a Halloween costume off the list for another year. :0)
~ Faith
Sorry you had to go through those nightmares again. That sounds like a really rough night.
I am sure last year you had a positive breakthrough at this time of year and blogged about it? That you weren’t triggered so much?
Hi, A x.
Yes, it does get easier each year. I have been fine this afternoon. I did my Bible study and then went to the gym before work, which helped me ground myself. I don’t think avoiding all triggers is feasible. What matters is what I do once I am triggered. :0)
~ Faith
I have a theory, are you surprised?
Processing is not just about the event as the memory is tied into the reptilian brain it is expressed through the cognitive brain or is except through expression and so it seems it is tied into the cognitive brain.
I think memories of trauma that are about physical survival of self or someone else are stored by season. Not limited to just four and about experience and not thought.
Although not how I came to it I can use the time I spent in FL as an example. I did not have the same cycle in Fl as I do living in the part of the country where I experienced the trauma. It was a different environment to my reptilian brain.
The only way the reptilian brain changes is by experience. That is why it is so hard to change and takes so long. It is not as simple as facing it. Using faith as an example she could wear a black robe or what ever color she had to wear. Making the assumption that the cults used the same methods and the ones I had to deal with. Pretty sure something would happen it is not a given that it would be positive. It is a matter of staying not present.
I also think that processing is not just the events rather all that happened because of the events. Not on a cognitive level rather on an experience level. Again using Faith as an example the buying costume also has to be processed etc.
I no longer have issues with any costume and this includes uniforms which are a costume. I will never buy into the deception of a uniform etc.
I am now OK with using a costume as a deception. When I appear before planning boards I wear my LL Bean Costume, the courts I wear a suit etc.
I do lots of work with bringing things out of season. That is doing the work before the origin of the experience. If I can accomplish that than I can work on it when ever I want and often either do not need to or the work is done. For some reason so far I have to do the work before the actual season.
I did without conscious thought mash as much as I could into fall and spring. It is not as simple as those are the times of two horrible deaths of people I loved. In a way all loss is tied into those two losses so I associate it with that time of year. That time of year being temperature, where the sun and moon is, dew point and a host of other things that only my reptilian brains knows about in the way reptilian brains know.
When moving time around like this it does cause issues. It is September to me not October as September was October. For some reason this also causes names to disappear for me. I can not remember anyone’s name right now. That part of my brain is not online in a normal way. It does not bother me in the same way now that I see doing the work as temporary. As much as 20 years can be temporary. It will become a part of my life just as many things are. My marriage comes to mind. And just with my marriage people will need to see the 20 years spent on healing as a failure. Makes them feel good about themselves I guess.
Learning is not that related to healing for me. The learning is really only so I can explain which does not work very well as little has been learned about the effects of trauma. It is all about discovery. Society is all about keeping people from discovery. So much so they require at least 12 years of learning or you will likely be shunned. Add a few more on non discovery on top of that and you will be respected. At least in the US.
Interesting I have always found the more educated a person is the more boring they are unless I want information about their field. The more of them you get together the more boring they are. And that includes me. Could be they learned not to discover.
I too have triggers that surround Halloween. Actually the whole month of October. But I have gotten to the point that I can enjoy Halloween itself even if I get triggered. I do not have children of my own yet, but I spend the holiday with my nieces and nephews. I enjoy getting them ready and taking them trick or treating. My focus is so much on them that I can get through each trigger without making a scene. The one think I know I have to avoid is a Bon fire. I don’t know, I guess it’s the fact I know I am around happy children that helps me because it shows me how to live in the present and not in my past. It makes me have an even deeper love for them because they get me through a rough time.
Halloween is brutal for me, too, Faith. I find the triggers last all month long. I am relieved when the snow finally comes and covers any trace of the Fall.
Kuz
Sorry you have to deal with pain surrounding what could be a fun time of year for a family. Glad you are taking care of yourself.
Faith, I use the believe Halloween was just a fun time when kids could dress up and be outside at night. My Methodist church even had a fortune teller and spook house. If they didn’t know better, how could I? I know now what horror occur in the woods and meadows away from the cities. Stay strong in your convictions. They are right! I hate that you had to learn about evil that way.
I know with your multiple jobs, this might sound crazy and impossible, but have you considered making your child’s Halloween costume? Making the costume might make you feel more control, and help you avoid triggering stores.
Hey Faith…I noticed it’s been a while since you posted. Am thinking maybe life got big.
Just wanted to send support and care and hope that you are taking good care of yourself.
((((((Faith))))))
Ruby
Speaking of triggers at Halloween. Our company does a costume contest – all teams expected to participate and then trick or treating for staff children (safe for them). Last year I managed ok. THis year, the team wants to do a theme I can barely manage. I’ve expressed that I can’t do x, y, and z, but am not willing to go into why. I’m not sure they get how desperate my request is to not include those things.
My “darkest” season starts the first week in Sept and last through about Jan 10. Not as bad this year…I am experiencing some tremendous release from the past…but still dark, and especially on specific days (weeks…sometimes months).
I think I will have to take the day off from work…it will disappoint my team, but protect the inside of me.
For every one who finds this time of year hard, difficult, triggering…just standing with you as best I can.
For those of you who have no reason to be triggered this time of year, I am so glad for you. Thankful.
ruby
Your writing has helped me through so many rough patches in my life. Both of my parents were terribly abusive to me, by reading your blog I have always felt less alone. Thank you so much for your honesty and courage. I was wondering how you were able to battle the hurdles that are presented when entering into a close relationship? In particular, romantic relationships. It’s off topic, but I admire your openness, and wonder how you have gotten there?