*******trigger warning – ritual and animal abuse*******
At first, most of S’s abuses were when my sister and I were together. However, she would sometimes separate us for our torture sessions. I have no idea where my sister was, but S had me alone in the basement with a new litter of kittens. They were so tiny that their eyes had barely opened. She let me hold one of the kittens and play with it. S then told me to break the kitten’s neck.
Of course, I had no intention of breaking that kitten’s neck, but I also knew what S was capable of. I knew that I had no choice to but to obey, but obeying was so against the grain of who I was, that I simply could not do it. I held that tiny kitten in my hands but could not do it, no matter what S said or how cruelly she taunted me. I was determined that she would not win this battle of wills: she could not force me to take this innocent kitten’s life.
She got in my face. She used all of her tactics, and I was so terrified of her that I could not possibly put it into words. The woman had almost killed me. She had tortured my sister and me. I was frightened to disobey, but I simply could not hurt that kitten. As she continued to badger and berate me, I knew that I had no choice, but I still could not do it. Then, she leaned very close in to my face and said in a stage whisper, “Pretend it’s me,” and I snapped that kitten’s neck as I flooded with rage.
To this day, I am triggered by kittens. Whenever I see one, I think about how fragile they are and how easily their bones can snap. It didn’t occur to me that this was not a normal thought process for a young child, but it was mine … every time.
S did the same thing with my sister, only she used a bird. To this day, my sister is phobic of birds. She fears how breakable they are, and she also fears that they will attack her. She once hid in a closet for 30 minutes as a teenager because a friend’s tame bird was loose in the house. She also went into hysterics whenever my mother told her to go into the henhouse to collect eggs.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen. Faith Allen said: My Story – Forced Animal Cruelty https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2010/05/14/faith-allen%E2%80%99s-story-%E2%80%93-forced-animal-cruelty/ […]
Oh, Faith…my heart goes out to you. Children should never have to experience what you have. I think that you are very brave to put this on your blog. I’m glad that your were able to survive it by DID.
Since you started this series, I haven’t been able to read it. Now, that I have it has helped me not to feel so alone and to validate my experience that there are truely sick, sadistic people in this world.
(By the way, DD NOS is Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I’m diagnosed with this. It means that I can dissociate, but do not have others inside…I simple just dissociate. However, you can be diagnosed with DD NOS if the person does not meet the qualifications for DID, such as, only having one alter…sorry if I stepped on your toes)
I have the same fears with cats, about how fragile they are, and how easily they can be broken. I didn’t realize those thoughts weren’t normal until I read this post!
I know that my abusers killed my cat in front of me when I was around five years old, but I strongly suspect that they later made me kill cats or kittens as well. I have split-second flashbacks of breaking bones, and it tears me up inside, because I love cats so dearly. They occasionally trigger me, but I have two of them as pets anyway, because I simply love them so much. They keep me company during the day, and they help keep me sane and grounded. Perhaps it’s also a form of defiance: they may have tortured me, but they didn’t break me!
I’m glad they didn’t break you, either.
Thank you both for your feedback.
I have been suffering from a migraine headache for the past two days. I suspect it is in part due to the drama with my mother last week and in part due to sharing these elements of my story. I did not fully appreciate how hard it would be to talk about this and know that my readers know all of this about me. I have shared most of these stories before at isurvive (www.isurvive.org), but that was before I started a blog. This one is the first of many really bad stories.
The earlier stuff is easier because I have done tons of healing work on it. However, the ritual abuse healing is ongoing. There is still a lot that I don’t remember.
I also want to say thank you to those of you who have sent me supportive emails. It helps so much to know that sharing my story is helping others.
I have mapped out the stories I want to share, and this series is going to go on for a good month. I hope that is okay with everyone. It is going to take that long to cover it all.
– Faith
Since you have been sharing your story, I have spent much contemplative and prayer time for you. I understood that your telling many of these details could be overwhelming for you, and trigger distress for you psychologically and physically. I don’t know how many stories you have heard of the details of other people’s torture and abuse, but please know that you are not alone. What you and many others have gone through is a systematic dismanteling of your defenses and your sense of reality by people who were not only evil, but intelligent enough to know what it takes to confuse a child’s perspective and mental processes so they become alienated from not any sense of normality on the outside, but also from any sense of understanding or normalacy of oneself on the inside. Thank God for the primitive defense of dissociation. It was given to us for a reason. I continue to view DID as an incredible gift. Without it so many would not have survived at all. I also acknowlege the incredible courage it takes to begin to face what it means to bring the parts back together again since it means ownership of so much. I know that much of what is re-owned is the “life” the “spark” that others tried to kill; but beyond that there is the ownership of the truth of what has really happened – to us, and by us.
I know you are still in your own healing process, and I think you are incredibly brave to share so much when you are still in process with some of it. Please be gentle with yourself and don’t push too hard. It’s OK to take a breather if you need to.
Thank you Faith for sharing your vulnerability with us. This has helped me tremendously to face my own story. I am very sorry about what you had to experience as a child.
I am just now beginning to understand how thankful I am for DID. I know that you will continue to heal through this experience and just know that your healing process is helping me to heal as well.
barbi
Thank you, Faith, for sharing.
Let me first say that I cannot imagine being put through the things you did, and being able to face them. You are truly a strong individual.
What I admire about you, is even though S is a horrible person, and I assume she isn’t in prison for the things she did, you don’t mention ever getting revenge for what she did. She tore you down the best she could, but she didn’t succeed. Although your life is hard; you still have managed to work through these things and come out even stronger. To me that is better than any revenge.
Hi Faith,
I did not read this one, but I remember you wrote about it once before. It’s been a rough day, so I may return to it when I’m feeling less vulnerable.
I am still here though, still following, and still supporting you.
Hope you are being especially kind to yourself for sharing all of this. It has to be exhausting.
Peace,
mia
Faith, Honey, I am so very, very sorry. You are so very brave to share.
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You were programmed, possible Illuminati programming. The kitten neck break is a HUGE sign as I have read that is apart of the mind control. I read that in a book about Illuminati Mind Control programming.
Your dad becoming friends with the company exec is a huge sign as well. You need to be more specific as to who they are. This is alarming.
Faith, Like i said before on another coment i gave “on forgiveness” i was also a “victim” of child abuse and it is ALOT simiular, reading this gives me hope, hope that i can recover as much as u clearly have. and im saying simular as my child abuse was from a female, my best friends aunty and she forced us to do acts with each other. Neway its discusting that ur own monther and father couldnt help or stop. i am now thinking of doing a blog due to u… making me not feel so ashamed
Geogina
aged 20
i am crying as i read your stories…..what sick adults you were surrounded with! It is not your fault none of this is your fault. I blame myself everyday for what my mother did to me but now that im healing i know it was her not me. I am so sorry you went through this….I hope they rot in hell. I have no sympathy at all for pedophiles or child abusers. Children are gifts from God and they should be cherished and loved.
[…] night, I have flashback nightmares. I reenacted one of my more heinous memories. I could feel and hear the same sensations I experienced when the event actually happened, and I […]