The Rise of the Z-Gorithm

Commentary/Satire by Bill the Butcher

The FBI disassembled the Mafia sometime back. And as all those tired old hitmen faded into the sunset on Mulberry Street, we remember them fondly. Wherever there’s a plus there’s a minus. For every ying there’s a yang. A new criminal organization more insidious, more secretive, more organized than anything The Black Hand could ever devise rose to prominence. More criminal than Bonnie and Clyde, better liars than Cumala, and versed in modern techniques of espionage far beyond anything Vladimir Putin ever dreamed of. Your kids!

The X-Box generation is beyond anything Star Wars ever put on the silver screen. While the dying Boomers fool themselves into believing that they are just playing games in their room, they are actually constructing a worldwide organization bent on the ultimate destruction of all civilization as we know it. With every click of the mouse, we get closer to total chaos as they communicate their evil plans to their co-conspirators in America, Europe, Russia, China, and all the ships at sea in the universal language of the internet.

There was a time when plastic money was a convenient form of commerce. I’ll never forget the first time I pulled out my debit card at HEB and paid for my groceries. I at once went and set up online accounts for every bill I had. Smiling lovingly at my little grandson sitting on the couch playing with his PlayStation harmlessly saying things like, “Mark, Check, Confirm,” and you’re glad he’s just out of your hair. Beware the Jabberwocky my friend, my friend! For at all times, you are being observed and reported.

There is a sinister, top-secret department that keeps up with our every move. Not the NSA! The new NSA. No Seniors Allowed. Little girls, foaming at the mouth from too many Skittles, known as “The Deedles,” or “Watchers,” between the ages of three and five who prowl the supermarkets, big box stores and parks seeing and categorizing our every move. Every purchase. Every chance meeting. And conveying this to their commanders who are waiting quietly at their headquarters set up in their bedrooms standing ready to use this information to help forward their subversive plan for the acquisition of all wealth left in the rapidly failing economy we have bequeathed them. Not in the antique fiat IOU’s we used to call money but currency they call V-Bucks. An international denomination accepted by citizens of the Kiddie Mafia in all parts of the world for all debts public and private. National borders have become outdated as the citizens of the KiddieKingdom use a language that has reconstituted the s on their phones. And theirs is an exclusive society. Everyone under sixteen years old is family and everyone else is on the menu!

They have achieved the ability of cross species communication. While the language of their parents and grandparents has been reduced to single syllable utterances such as “Cap,” and “Wonk,” they also speak and understand “Dog!” Don’t believe me? The next time you come home with your kids or grandkids, who does the dog run to first? The kids! They don’t seem to understand “Cat” yet, but this can be ascribed to the number of “Cat Ladies” who haven’t been eliminated as of yet.

The gathering of wealth is done by a system of attrition. Be careful with your bank accounts. Credit and debit cards are vulnerable but especially avoid Cash App and PayPal, designed by double agents such as Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg who have sold their souls to the new masters of the universe for “special treatment” after the takeover is completed. These applications, Facebook, X, and Tic Tok have been appropriated by the Itty Bitty Titty Committee long ago and combined with a simple gift card, a money laundering process will take your life savings, convert it into V Bucks and you will not see your kids for a Fortnite! Should you report this to the authorities you will quickly discover that KiddieMafia members have a blanket immunity because in the eyes of the law they don’t exist until the age of eighteen, but you, Responsible Parent, DO, and the Child Protective Services will protect them until the very last drop if your bank account.

These “creatures” do have certain drawbacks. They generally can’t read, don’t know what gender they are and have a lot to learn about hygiene. Their tastebuds malfunction and to them everything tastes like butt. This makes them easy to poison if you can find any caustic element that can kill them, but good luck! They eat Tide Pods. Never threaten them orally. You will be a star on TikTok. Confine your discussion to handwritten notes in cursive. They are in complete control of the internet but their code breakers haven’t learned pencil and paper as of yet and simple math appears to be beyond them.

Basically, however, we are all doomed because the law of nature tells us that they will eventually outlive us. The world will degenerate into a lawless mush because among other things our new masters simply cannot figure out how to grow a taco. If Jesus ever does come back, He’d just better have V-Bucks or no Mount of Olives for Him. Oh, Merry Christmas!

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