The New Improved Civil War

Commentary/Satire by Bill the Butcher

Ever notice how notable assassins, I mean the real history changers, not the ones “over there” who’s name you can’t pronounce but those who make the price of gas go up. They all get known by all three names. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald and now Thomas Matthew Crooks. Now I agree Trump didn’t die, but that’s only because his head was harder than the Democrats thought it was. But that’s not the subject of this article. Did you ever consider that Crooks fired the first shot of a new, improved Civil War?

Now everybody be like, “Oooooo! Wilbur done gone all MAGA. I’ve always BEEN MAGA. Ever since they let tigers marry chairs out in Californication. I’ve been a member of so many Texas far right groups that now, when they let me get on a plane, I think it’s my birthday. But, like my constituents, I just never thought the pan-sexual party would have a gun, and the guts to use it. But they did, and he did. And he started popping off rounds at El Presidenté!

Let’s examine the term Civil War. The last Civil War we had was a hum dinger. To have a Civil War back then you had to have a “cause.” The North wanted to free the slaves because “all men were created equal,” and the south said, “HELL NO!” because the slaves were doing all the work. All land-owning MEN were created equal. Women were just created. Men were equaler than women. Them old timers had their own book of rules. Of course, Indians, Mexicans and Mormons fell somewhere under that but that’s for the sociology class down the hall.

And four years and six hundred and fifty thousand lives later the winner gave us truth, justice, and the I.R.S. But that was old timey Civil War. Hillbillies against the Gangs of New York. So, save your Confederate money boys, BitCoin has bottomed out. Now, where was I?

For years there has been a dispute simmering between the soon to be warring factions in the disUnited States. It started simply enough. Growing up in Shreveport ninety years or so after the War of Northern Aggression I was exposed to residual animosity still left over from CW 1. But after the 60’s, civil rights, and Bill Cosby we had to find new people to hate. I mean, blacks were ok but in the great melting pot that was fast becoming Amerika there were so many choices! Finally, after much discussion it had arrived upon that hating people just for the color of their skin was so confining and you could have a whiter sheet if you included nationality, choice of sex partners and social opinions. That rendered a virtual smorgasbord of “hateables” in which to choose from. One from column “A” or three from columns “B, C, or D,” And, depending upon your level of hypocrisy you had a selection of individuals that you could tolerate to prove you weren’t the egocentric racist that you really were. Who do you think put Barack Obama in The White House?

But the classification, “Liberal” was the Créme de la Créme! Liberals come in many sizes, shapes and colors. You think Hitler hated the Jews? Just get a Christian Right and a Liberal Left in a boxing ring and ring the bell. To the lovers of God, Country, and Mom’s apple pie the liberal is the epitome of all that is repulsive and unholy. They hate America, love anything unnatural in the bedroom, and shouldn’t be within five hundred yards of little girls. Or little boys too, for that matter.

On the other foot, the ones wearing Justin Ropers, formally known as Conservatives have their own cross to bear. In the opinion of any self-abusing Liberal conservatives also hate America, love anything unnatural in the bedroom, and shouldn’t be within five hundred yards of little girls. Or little boys, or sheep if said conservator happens to be from Texas.

And both factions have been talking about Civil War since Clinton ordered Monica a pizza. The conservatives thought that they had a monopoly on senseless violence until Crooks fired the shot heard around CNN! The line in the bar had been drawn! But CW 2 won’t be like CW 1. The lines of demarcation aren’t as clearly defined as the Blue and the Grey. We all look amazingly alike. Well, except the LBTGQ’s, although because by very definition they almost have to be liberal there will be a few pink AR-15’s out there.

But this will be a subversive war. A war led by clerks in the rear echelons. Changing this and that just a little. Messing the people’s minds. Paying particular attention to the children, especially those in the Pedo-Division who concentrate on consummation at Drag Queen Storytime in very public libraries reading books to children with titles like “Johnny and Billy see America.” Creating division, introducing strange new ideas to schools and strange new Gods to churches.

So what might be the outcome of this New Improved Civil War? The conservative army is larger, but it is older and slower. Relying on tried-and-true methods of war they are solid but predictable. Their life view is boring. You mix that with a bunch of Z Generation kids, and you get subversion. Desertion to the enemy in droves. Everybody wants to get next to a happening guy. The only thing the conservatives can hope for is for the liberals to run out of Queers before they, themselves run out of steers.

And when will this war start? Where you been homie? It’s already started. You just failed to identify the battles. Same sex marriage becoming the law of the land. Chalk that up for liberals. Shooting down Rowe v Wade! Conservatives won that one. Trump elected in 2016. Conservative as vanilla ice cream! Biden in 2020. Liberals. There are many more smaller battles, but the fact of the matter is the New Improved Civil War is on! Now Crooks has brought it to a new level, and while it is not going to be anywhere near Gettysburg it will wear the opposing armies down little by little until the America that used to be will be no more.

You can’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you are. We stand at a crossroads. Standing there with a history of Pilgrims, pioneers and yes, Mormons who built this country looking down at us . . . or up at us, whichever the case may be. And the enemy is a virtual army bent on burning everything to the ground. They will settle for nothing less than the annihilation of the American Dream and won’t put it down until we’re all screwed, stewed, and tattooed!

But we can do this. Fight Fight Fight. Put God back in your schools and expel the Devil. Pledge allegiance to the flag and chant USA! Or bury your head in the sand and be like the Mayans, fading away forever with nothing but some interesting stops for tourists left. No one is going to miss you and history will repeat itself again and again until we get it right!

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