Asteroid Anyone?

Asteroid Anyone?

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher 

What do Netanyahu, Putin, and Kim Jong Un all have in common? I’ll make this quick because I have a lot to say. I’m gonna prophesize  here. An asteroid! Because all three are part of a dying race and that’s what happened to the last dying race that ran the world into the ground, formally known as dinosaurs which is what they truly are!

Throughout history strong willed despots have risen to the occasion and made history, or rather rewritten history to suit the image they wished to leave to posterity. They had the sharpest sword, the loudest roar or the audacity to impose their will, good or bad upon the masses thus enslaved to fulfill their egotistical dream of the way things ought to be according to the gospel of whatEVER floated their party barge. But to borrow a line from the prophet Bob Dylan, times, they are a changing. And through no fault of its own the world in general has grown weary of this and the old order changeth!

There are numerous reasons for this. Of course there’s the old “time and time again” thing. You’ve seen it. Some guy invades some country, and some “expert” points out that it’s just like so and so did back in the day so here comes World War Number Whatever and we all shake and quake before the nuclear cloud. And they get right up to the brink before all the news casters say, “Coulda been today” and we all take a breath until the next time. And next time will always come because the dinosaurs never pull the rabbit all the way out of the hat, saving the rest for the next time they have to prove how badly we really need them to keep us from blowing ourselves to hell and back. But ask yourself. Do you have any bombs? I sure don’t. Do you and I really care? I treat world events like I treat an approaching tornado. If it isn’t coming at me, sucks to be you!

And it all stems from Europe. Now, is it just me or does Europe look like a limp phallus? Still tribal after all these years and every time it achieves an erection we have a war to end all wars. All the countries about the size of Bell County, Texas that get along like family at a Thanksgiving Dinner. C’mon. You know I’m right. When the dust settles the borders get adjusted so the loser is properly pissed off, mix in some religion and do it all over again in forty or fifty years.

Russia isn’t European. It has always been the red headed stepchild. And what has Russia given the world? Communism! And screwed that up. Couldn’t take a system Pancho Villa made work and couldn’t feed a bunch of sharecroppers who couldn’t read. But I’ll admit Russian is hard to read because all the letters are backwards. After many failed attempts they found a guy with a suit who wasn’t an alcoholic and pumped him up to Czar status, whereupon he jumped on some country, yep, about the size of Bell County and got stomped into the mud by a bunch of meth heads with a tap dancing comedian for a president. You can’t make this stuff up. I’m just reporting the facts. And now what’s the threat? Why, nuclear war. Another war to end all wars! Yep. Been forty or fifty years. But that mess doesn’t hold a candle to the land of Israel.

Yeah, I’m gonna go there. Israel’s shaped like a phallus too, but they’re currently circumcising it down around the Gaza Strip. Nathan Yahoo! Don’t buy a used car from this guy. He bases his claim to fame on some cockamamie idea that the Jews hold a deed because God said so. The Mormons claim that deed refers to Jackson County Missouri, but who’s counting, right? What we have here is a range war where the sheep herders won! And it’s all held together by generous tithes from Christian fundamentalists who are waiting on the Second Coming while trying to decode the crap coming out of both sides of Yahoo’s mouth. Meanwhile he’s bombing the Be Jesus, sorry, poor choice of words, out of a track of land the size of Galveston Island and can’t whip the place yet! And they’re all looking to the sky for the return of Jesus, Mohammed, Elon Musk, anything but what they’ve got which is a whole new level of screwed! Next case!

Asia purports to be the oldest civilization on earth. Therefore it only goes to show that it is the most profoundly screwed up civilization. The total evolution of political science, if there is such a thing, is personified in Kim Jong Un. Short, fat, alcoholic, and open for business. In the Huntsville prison in Texas he’d be somebody’s bitch. In North Korea twenty-six million are his bitches. Nice work if you can get it. Whomp Whomp Whomp Gangnam Style!

Yeah, he’s got a bomb. And there’s no religion in North Korea. Don’t need one. They got him! He does whacky crap like shooting his generals with air defense canons while the people in the stadium clap like trained seals and kidnaps South Korean movie stars.

Kim is the prodigy of three generations of numb nuts just like him and with each generation the North Koreans get closer to the earth. They’re currently eating grass like goats. Soon they’ll be fainting goats. As I’ve said, he’s got a bomb. He wants to declare war on America. The Muslims call America The Great Satan, I guess it’s The Great Dragon to Won Hung Lo.

So we have the big three. The epitome of earthly power. Coming in from the three winds to lead mankind All waiting for that asteroid that will surely come. Could the asteroid be the second coming? Any break will be welcome.

Accordingly, naturally, I have a proposal. First, we catch these three unawares and spirit them to Ding Dong, Texas. There we will have an arena ready in a secure enclosure with seating and refreshments for guests. Guests should be world leaders who aspire to greatness. The contest they will see will serve as a reminder of where misappropriated aspirations may lead to.

Our three contestants will be fitted with appropriate armor and a weapon suitable for their culture. Putin will get a broken vodka bottle. For Kim a smaller version of a samurai sword would fit. I know, I know, samurai were Japanese but Koreans are a little short on heroes and Kim is fat so it’s that or a chef’s knife. Now for Rabbi Nathan, one of them little clippers they use to circumcise newborn boys. Since David supposedly knocked Goliath in the head with a rock Nathan Yahoo should be quite inventive on this.

The contest begins by throwing a one-hundred-dollar bill into the arena. In fairness to the other two contestants Nathan will be held five seconds after the starting bell rings. There will be no rounds and the winner will be the last man standing who will be awarded an all-expense paid, one way trip to Mars provided by Elon Musk and the joyous inhabitants of the third rock from the sun will have to wait and see if there is a second coming of that unholy mess. Whiskey for the men, beer for our horses.

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