A + B = I'm single again

Tuesday | November 12, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

A + B = I’m single again

There was this guy, “A,” who had a crush on me for the past eight years. I dated his best friend (let’s call him “B”) before I found out A had a crush on me. Apparently they both liked me at the same time but B was quicker to pursue me.

Come to find out, B had been dared by his other friends to try to date me. That’s why we broke up. I was really hurt. Three years later, A slides into my DMs explaining how he’s actually had a crush on me for years. He only distanced himself because I was with B.

He then confessed how much he wished I would him him a chance. I was like not open to it – and turned him down multiple times. I didn’t want to be with any of B’s friends.

After another two years, A and I crossed paths and he asked for a chance again, claiming he truly felt like I was the one. Over the years, he has respected the distance but he just had to try one last time. His sweet words got to me, and I figured … this guy might be genuine. I got curious and I gave him a chance to see how things would go.

But everything happened waaaay too fast. At first he put in the effort to communicate and get to know one another. There was consistent communication between us. After two weeks, he would take almost the whole day to finally reply back to my text messages, simply saying he had a busy day. He would ignore my messages completely until the next day, but post stories on his Instagram at the bar. All I saw were red flags.

I started withdrawing, but I don’t know if he ever noticed. Soon after, he ghosted me. Another month passed and he reached out again, acting as if nothing happened. I was being distant and he called me out on it, asking if I was mad. Of course I was! But did I give him the satisfaction of knowing I was mad? No. I just stopped replying to his text messages altogether and that was the end of it.

I keep questioning where I went wrong. Once he got to know me, did he not like who I was as a person? B played me and I thought A would be different, but who was I kidding? I feel so dumb for even considering being with A.

– A+B

You tried a thing and it didn’t work.

That doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It also doesn’t mean anything is your fault.

There’s not even a great lesson here – like, “Oh, if you had gone with your gut, you could have avoided this mess.”

You wanted to see if A was genuinely interested in developing a respectful, possibly serious relationship, and he wasn’t. Now you know.

Reframe this experience as a “phew!” It’s over, which is a good thing! Plus, you no longer have to wonder whether he’s worth your time.

You got everything you needed to move on – and it didn’t take long.

Too many of us frame experiences as mistakes. You don’t have to run a postgame on this, dissecting how it all happened.

The only time I paused is when you talked about not giving him the “satisfaction” of the truth. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we all spoke candidly about why we’re hurt. Maybe people would become more accountable.

As in, “I am upset because I thought we were dating, but you haven’t contacted me in a month. I’ve moved on from it, but please know, this wasn’t acceptable for me – and I can’t imagine it would be for anyone else. Now go away.”

There are better ways to say all that, I’m sure – and you don’t have to say any of it. I just wonder if we can model better behavior when it comes to talking about uncomfortable things. Maybe other people will catch on.

– Meredith

Readers? Any mistakes made here – or lessons?

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