Should I swear off dating?

Wednesday | November 13, 2024

Love Letters Dating

Should I swear off dating?

I am a 45-year-old single woman – also a mom of an elementary school child. I’m pretty good looking, fit, and I think I’m smart and funny. I have close relationships with friends and family, and don’t often feel lonely (I’m an introvert).

I honestly think I could be contentedly single forever, and that might be my fate.

However, it saddens me that I’ve never found a person who loved me in that way. It seems… unfair. I’m no better or worse than any of my friends who found love.

While I am aware that I can certainly “get back out there” if I wanted, my concern is that the idea of dating fills me with dread. I dated before and even after I had my child, and had some good times and some not so good. But it was never a joyful experience.

I don’t relate well to men I don’t know at first (I guess I’m shy, you could say). Plus dating is time consuming, and I’d often rather do anything else then spend a week or more texting, then arranging a date, then going out and having the date.

And feeling rejected on the rare occasions I’ve felt connection, hurts more than I think it’s worth.

So the larger winning part of me is content to swear off dating and the possibility of romantic love; I’ll choose to find ways to be happy.

But I guess there is still a piece of me that must want a partner, otherwise I wouldn’t occasionally wonder if I should be dating, or wondering if there really is someone out there that I’m supposed to meet someday, or wondering why I’m a person who wasn’t destined for romantic love.

Do you have any insights for me?

– Wondering

Don’t swear off dating. Don’t swear off anything.

It might make you feel like you have control over the situation, but … you don’t. It wouldn’t be real.

Wait. I take that back. Swear off one thing: the concept of destiny. I’m all for finding patterns and signs in the universe. Why not? But I believe the things we notice in the stars represent our own fears, desires, and needs.

The reality is … a zillion introverts get divorced at 45. Many of them dread dating because it feels like a job, as opposed to a joyful experience. The trick is to do just enough to try to find a few of those people (or anyone you like) without the process feeling like a punishment.

That might mean getting on an app twice a week and swiping for no more than 20 minutes. It also might mean saying to your incredible community, “Hey, set me up – even if I look miserable and go in kicking and screaming.”

I’m sure it does seem like a lot of people find love effortlessly – and often. You might not be that kind of person. I’m not either! I loved my life single, and I can love it with a significant other. Bonding with someone enough to want them as a partner can take time. But you have it, right? Time?

You sound great. Your mission statement is to know that sometimes dating will feel awful, sometimes you won’t think about it at all, and sometimes life will surprise you in big ways. Be open to everything changing, because sometimes it does.

– Meredith

Readers? Pep talk? Or maybe it’s OK to swear off dating for a certain amount of time?

Send your own question. I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].