Can I keep his friends?
Q.
Hi Meredith,
Earlier in the year, I (26F) packed my bags and moved from the Midwest to the United Kingdom for my job. I almost immediately started dating a guy (24M) I met through work. He introduced me to most of my friends here, and my only other friends quickly became a part of that friend group. We dated for eight months, but as much as I loved him, I never fell IN LOVE with him. He was planning for our future, and I knew there wouldn’t be one, so I recently ended things.
While we were both very sad, he said he still wanted to be friends. I don’t think we can be “just friends” yet, because he still has feelings for me and I don’t want to lead him on. However, does this mean I need to let go of our friend group too? Since we started dating almost as soon as I moved here, the majority of my friends were people I met through him. I miss him so much, and it’s been lonely without him. The idea of having to make a whole new group of friends seems daunting, but I don’t know if it’s unfair to want to still see some of the people I’ve met, since I made the decision to break up with him. Do I need to just cut my losses and start from scratch?
– Starting Over
A.
It’s important to make your own friends. The process will help you grow and feel better about where you live. It will be frustrating, awkward, and maybe too slow to replace what you’ve lost, but … it’ll be rewarding. You’ve seen one version of your new town. Now you’ll find another.
It’s possible you can keep a friend or two from the old group. Maybe more over time. If there’s a person you bonded with in a special way, send them a note. Tell them that if it’s appropriate, you’d love to grab dinner and stay in touch. You can be clear that you loved being part of their gatherings, but that you also want to make sure your ex has time to heal. Maybe they’ll bite and help you navigate a difficult situation.
I know this is hard, but it’s a great time to build. It probably feels a bit out of order, but see you it feels to wander around on your own. More people will come.
– Meredith
Readers? Have you ever kept friendships going with the friends of an ex? How did you do it?
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