TombstoneLand’s review published on Letterboxd:
If there’s any review of mine you’re going to read, please let it be this one. It isn’t written well or anything. It’s just important.
Today Is September 24th, 2023. A year ago I was planning on killing myself. September 24th, 2022 I was going to go to a bridge while all of my friends were at the school Homecoming dance and jump. I was going to end it that night. This is the story of why I didn't, and why if you're thinking of ending things, it isn't worth it.
Firstly, why did I want to kill myself? I've had three attempts before this so suicide wasn't a foreign topic to me. The reason why I wanted to end my life was because I felt worthless. I was raised by a covert narcissistic parent. If you don't know anything about them keep reading, if you do just jump to the next paragraph. A narcissistic parent, from my experience with being raised by one, was that they wanted attention. They wanted to use others to gain personal pleasure. They manipulate others to please their ego. There's a really good TikTok that explains the actions of a narcissistic parent. Here it is. Sorry for the bad explanation.
The way she treated me was that I could never be good enough for her. No matter what I did it wasn't enough for her. It started to reflect into my normal day life. I thought that I was never good enough for anyone and everything was my fault. It was like that at home so I felt that everywhere, I still feel that way. So, after a few years of not being enough no matter how much I tried I decided, "What's the point? If I keep trying and I get nothing out of it, why even try? Why should I exist?" So that's the thoughts that went through my head during all of my now 4 attempts and I still think that daily.
Well, about 30 days before I felt extra sad. I felt more of a failure than I had ever felt to that point. I was going to kill myself I said. The thing that made this attempt different from any other attempt is that I had actually planned it out. All my previous attempts had been in the moment with no thought besides my 2nd which had probably up to an hour of planning. The other attempts were just grabbing a bunch of pills in the middle of the night. So with the planning that was put into this, I'd probably actually not end up on the other side. I'd definitely be dead today.
So now, why didn't I go through with it? Well, about 1 week before my attempt my brother was going to ask a girl out to homecoming. I hadn't planned on asking anyone because I had other plans for that night. But as my brother was preparing a cute ask-out thing my mom asked who I was inviting. I said no one and that made her upset. She said that I shouldn't just stay at home for another school dance and said I had to ask someone out this time. I thought, "Sure, I'll make my mom happy one more time before I end it all." At the time I had a little crush on a Sophmore named Phoenix who was in my band class. She played percussion with me and I thought I'd do it. I knew she would say no because she was under the age of 16 at the time and was Mormon so she couldn't date anyone according to her religion. I knew this so when I asked her out I knew she'd say no. It wouldn't hurt my feelings, I'd be dead in a week.
So I come up with a super cute, but dumb way to ask her out. Next day of school I gave it to her and she said she'd love to but she'd have to ask her parents. The next day, she came to me and said she couldn't go. No biggie, I knew this would happen. But what was different was that she said that she felt bad and would love to go to the football game with me tomorrow. Football game comes and at the end of the night I ask her if she'd like to go to the little fair our town was putting on to celebrate potatoes (literally the most Idaho thing ever). She says that she would love to. The next day she hugs me more in a 3-hour period than I'd ever been hugged in my life. It was weird, it felt nice but oh well I'd be dead in 6 days.
Sunday comes, nothing really important. We hang out and talk at school, we have 2 classes together. Friday comes. It's the Homecoming game. Tomorrow is the dance and tomorrow I will die. But at the Homecoming game while we're standing in line for hotdogs she asks me if she's my girlfriend. I say, "Yeah. I think s-" She hits me with to this date, the biggest hug I've ever had in my life.
In that embrace, I thought to myself, "Why? Why am I doing this? I could be losing this. I'm stupid. I'm not going to do it."
And I didn't. I am still here, writing this review. She saved my life. I didn't tell her until a few months later. She saved me, and if I were to have gone through with it I would've missed out on a bunch. I ended up making plans with my cousin and watched Princess Mononoke with her because I still couldn't go to the dance with Phoenix. So, what would I have missed out on? A lot actually.
Within a month of staying, I ended up going to a bunch of marching band shows. I watched Snow White with her (our first movie). And we shared our first kiss together on October 15th. October 20th I fell in love with her. The details are for me to keep. On October 21st I competed in my school to see if the two pieces that I wrote for Drama State were good enough to go and compete. Month 2, we go celebrate Halloween together. She goes as Technoblade, and I go as Spider-Noir.
I don’t want to get into every single major event that happened in everything. Just the main things. It’d get too long and too personal.
I competed in Drama State in two different pieces on November 12th. I competed in both original serious and original comedic. I placed in both of them and qualified to go to drama state. Three weeks later I competed at state. The experience I had at Drama State is what I can say full-heartedly was the best moment of my life. I loved that time.
Now, the months that followed getting together weren’t perfect. My mom was being, well, my mom the entire time and even wanted me to break up with Phoenix at one point. November 9th I was feeling really down and wanted to kill myself. December 13th was my first suicide attempt 3 year anniversary. So that brought up a bunch of stress. Christmas break came and I had no way of escaping my home so my mom’s entire wrath was downed upon me. So, during Christmas break, I started cutting and ever since then I’d cut at least 2-3 times a month. It’s unhealthy and as of writing this, I haven’t cut in 3 weeks. So I’m making progress.
February 17th my brother has a seizure. It was a really terrifying time, but Phoenix was there to comfort me when I felt alone.
On March 11th, I had finally had enough of my mom and ran away from home to live with my dad and at my grandma's house. I didn’t sleep for three days because I was so scared that she’d find me, kidnap me, and hurt me. But it would all be worth it because in about two weeks I’d go on a trip to Disneyland I went on with a bunch of my friends. Great time. Another time of my life that is really personal to me and Phoenix and we won’t be sharing what happened then.
April is her birthday and I actually get to start dating her and I meet her family. They’re nice and they love me. May 5th is prom. By the end of the night, I think I’m going to marry this girl.
The transition from May to June is amazing. I graduated high school and became an adult. It’s a crazy crazy time, but awesome.
Anyways, summer kind of comes and goes, but yeah. By the end of the summer, Phoenix says she has something on her mind. August 22nd, 2023 she says that her parents want her to see other people. She still loves me, but that’s what her parents want. We don’t break up and we stay together. Things change throughout the month. She says she doesn’t love me romantically anymore. She kisses me. Then she gave me the cold shoulder, and then on September 23rd, 2023, we officially broke up. A year from the day it started, it officially ended.
I’m still hurting from it, but I’m so glad for the time we had together. I’m so glad that she saved me. I would’ve missed so much.
The pros of not killing myself. I had a wonderful 11 months with the woman I thought I was going to marry. I loved the time we had together. I would’ve missed out on drama competition, the best moment of my life. I would’ve missed out on the best trip of my life so far. I would’ve missed out on so many fun memories with my friends.
The cons of staying. I had to end the relationship with the love of my life and I hurt so much. Another con is that I started cutting. Another con is that I had to run away from home to save my mental health and probably save my life again. Since I refuse to talk to my mother to try and protect my mental health a few of my family members refuse to talk to me because they don’t know the harm she’s caused.
I know I’ve been ranting for too long but I hope I just can show that it’s worth it to stay. You will miss out on so much of your life. It sucks now, but it gets better. I hurt so much right now, but I know that I’ll be getting better eventually. I’m not 100%. Still, most days I feel like shit and contemplate why I keep existing at least 5 times a day. I still want to hurt myself, but I don’t because I know it isn’t worth it. It’ll get better and whatever I’m feeling now, I’ll get over and everything will get better.
I’m sorry to anyone who actually read all of this. I hope it helps out or something. Please, if you’re thinking about ending things. Don’t, it’s never worth it.
