Rafael "Parker!!" Jovine’s review published on Letterboxd:
First of all, a bit of an update to those who have been following/reading for a while my journey on my own to these family-friendly movies in the theater; I guess I found the right theater where I can watch them with a “polite” audience. Throughout the commercials, a child kept talking, and while I initially feared he would disrupt my enjoyment of the movie, he actually behaved well and made a few brief, insightful observations. The rest of the audience was cool too. Also, there are these two moms who just stare at me with such a “I’d beat the living shit out of you” (or something) face, which I guess made the whole situation more awkward when they happened to be sitting in the same row as me. (now, in my defense, for more than a decade, I’ve always been sitting in the first row on top where the bars are so I can lay back and rest my feet, so those moms sit in my domain, not the other way around; I just want to make that clear), and suspiciously midway through the movie they sprint out of their seats to a row—and no, I didn’t do anything weird, other than drinking the second large Coke soda I ordered for myself, which is not weird because I walk to my theater and it is very hot outside and I get very, very thirsty; stop judging me.
Ok, but enough of my random opening paragraphs, let’s start with the review…
…yeah…
…I mean…
…it’s kind of better than The Good Dinosaur…
…Cars 2?????…
…but…
… You guys know the story of Toy Story 2 and how it was supposed to be a SVOD sequel, something very common around that time, especially for Disney and animated films, but ultimately they saw how awesome it was, and they decided to give it a theatrical run. And there was that whole thing about them believing they had lost the hard drive or whatever, and we almost didn’t have a Toy Story 2?...
…which I know you’re asking what does one of the greatest sequels in cinema history has to do with this film?...
…well, apparently this was meant to go straight to Disney+, but…
…I think…
….it was around that time they saw that many of you parents, uncles, cousins, brothers, friends, yourselves decided, “You know what will keep little Timmy? Mini Ashley? El Pequeño Carlos? Jean Le Petite? *insert generic name from country and little it down*… Moana! Yes, Moana will do”…
…and then by doing this you turn the original into the most viewed movie or whatever from like last year or forever or something, something, something…
…well, because of this they decided they would put it out in theaters. And so they did. And the fact that this theater I choose, which normally is usually empty (hence why I went to see this film there so I didn’t have to deal with annoying kids and mean-looking moms), was relatively packed, goes to show, no matter what I, you, or anyone thinks, this s**t will make a ton of money and…
…so…
…like business wise…
…they did the right thing…
…now, creatively…
…hmmm…
Look, the animation is really good. Some pretty cool visuals, like the island thing, were neat. The design of the coconut warriors was neat too. Some of the creatures were also pretty neat. Visually, it doesn’t excel that much on the original, but it’s still as good. Narratively wise, I can see what they were going for, and it sounded interesting. But I don’t know. Never felt any sense of threat. The big bad god thing was constantly told to us how cool and majestic and all of that was going to be, and maybe it was during those few minutes I was about to fall asleep (and yes, I did sleep my 7 hrs., and I wasn’t tired), but let’s just say we see more of Knoll in Venom 3 than whatever the name of this being was. It also felt kind of rushed and very... meandering? Hei Hei was comedy gold (Alan Tudyk is always the GOAT... or should I say Chicken?) and a few moments got me and the audience chuckling and laughing like that princess meta joke. Cravalho was great. The Rock was good too; it seems he’s maybe putting some effort into not sounding just like Dwayne Johnson, which has me kind of curious how it will go with that live-action film. But unfortunately, the writing as a whole isn’t really that strong. It’s not abysmal or anything, but, again, while there’s a neat idea for a premise here, it seems the writers had a hard time making a compelling or as entertaining of a script as the original. It also lacked that sense of wonder and adventure the original had. They go through a lot of them, but that sense of awe and excitement was simply missing for me.
And yeah, the music... the music, man. I made a concerted effort to be open-minded, but it turns out that everyone who criticizes the music for being unmemorable and lacking in quality was right. . The worse is that some of the songs had the potential to be better. I myself kept thinking of ways if they changed or added a new note or rhythm to the music, it would sound much better. The “Can I Get A Chee Hoo?” one is a great example; the song itself was so mid, but when they played the orchestral instrumental version, it sounded better. “Beyond,” or however it is called, was arguably the best; I'm not sure why, but it kept giving me goosebumps. However, perhaps it would have been more effective if it had been in capable hands. I haven’t heard the music by Bear and Barlow for that Bridgerton musical; probably they are great, but this was a bad day at the office. It truly failed to reach its full potential, and the lyrics were a bit generic. Honestly, I'm really not trying to be hyperbolic or mean, but the music was sometimes too mid; it was annoying. Worse is that I believe they double down on the songs for this film; like, if you knew you were going to do this, it would have been better if you had better songs... I don’t know. *shrugs*
All in all, not a terrible movie, and there are a few things you can rescue here and there, but personally, it just didn’t do it for me. Lacked the wonder, the sense of adventure, the writing, the songs, and about everything that made the original so magical...
That being said, once the credits started rolling, this dude started cheering and clapping and moved a lot of the people in the room to do the same. Now, I couldn’t see his face, but the guy sounded the same as the one who did the same back in my Gladiator 2 screening. It could AAAAAAALLL be a coincidence! But I am starting to think he’s like that clapping guy from Not Another Teen Movie, and if he is... I gotcha, yousonofabitch! I see what you’re doing!
BONUS REVIEW
Hot Frosty is cocaine. The most bizarre Christmas film I've seen, and all the meta stuff. WTF. The bloopers were brilliant. Wished everyone was as self-aware and great as Robinson. Horny old ladies OMG. Also everyone believing that dude was a real snowman just goes to show everyone in these Netflix holiday movies need to check on a psychiatrist.
TODAY SCHEDULE
One Deadly Summer
Moana 2
