Say me name an’ I reappear. It’s me, Beetlejuice an’ Joe Fuckin’ Hendry. Eleven words from start to a fuckin’ wrestlin’ ref’rence. Thass gotta be me new personal fuckin’ best. 

People fuckin’ REALLY like Beetlejuice, man. It ain’t jus’, like, old cunts like me who remember watchin’ the firs’ one the firs’ time. Goths still dress up like ‘im an’ Lydia fer Halloween, teenagers’ve gone mental fer the musical, which I woz hopin’ I woz gonna get t’see recen’ly but the bastards’er fuckin’ tourin’ so I saw the Back t’the Future one instead. It woz great but thass not the point. I bough’ a Beetlejuice tee while woz away an’ the firs’ day I wore it, SIX FUCKIN’ PEOPLE complimen’ed me onnit, jus’ stopped me in me tracks t’tell me it looked cool. This ain’t one’ve them Legacy Sequels where ya look addit an’ go, “Yeah alrigh’ thassa laugh but who act’uly wants this?” I’ve bin seeing fake Beetlejuice 2 posters doin’ the rounds on Facebook makin’ people think it woz comin’ out next year fer over a fuckin’ decade, before AI when the arse’ole makin’ it had t’be good at Photoshop t’pull it off. BEETLEJUICE 2 HAS BEEN COMIN’ OUT OCTOBER 2013 FER TWELVE FUCKIN’ YEARS. So yeah a lot’ve people wanned this. If ya didn’t no’iced it then ya jus’ weren’t payin’ fuckin’ attention. 

Walkin’ out’ve the Picture’ouse after this one woz dun, I woz thinkin’ t’meself, “Well that wozza laugh but it didn’t have much’ve a plot.” I though’ onnit a bit now though an’ I reckon I woz wrong on that, it’s not that it had no plot, it had TOO MUCH PLOT an’ not enuff’ve a story fer it. Like there’s the Lydia an’ Beetlejuice stuff, an’ then there’s the Deets Dad dyin’, an’ Lydia’s gotta new Jenna Ortega-shaped kid who she’s on the outs with coz’ve ANUTHER dead Dad, an’ there’s Ghost Cops runnin’ roun’, an’ Lydia’s gettin’ married t’The Only Credited Writer’ve Iron Man 2, an’ there’s like TWO fuckin’ villains, such’s they fuckin’ are, like Monica Bellucci’s fully a fuckin’ NON-EVENT bruv, which Monica Bellucci playin’ BEETLEJUICE’S BIG-TIDDY GOTH EX-WIFE WITH STAPLES IN ‘ER FUCKIN’ FACE should never be a fuckin’ non-event but here we fuckin’ are, annit’s like, there’s almos’ no, like, FRAME t’hang all this shit off.

I’m makin’ this soun’ like I though’ it woz shit an’ I didn’t, I hadda good fuckin’ time watchin’ it an’ laughed more’n a few time. It’s jus’ it’s a Thing Happen Movie. Ain’t sayin’ thass bad an’ I ain’t sayin’ thass good I’m jus’ sayin’ thass woddit fuckin’ is. Bein’ fair the firs’ one wozza bit’ve a Things Happen Movie an’all, it jus’ hadda bit more groundin’ with Gina Davis an’ Alec Baldwin playin’ normal people learnin’ how t’be ghosts. It’s weird describin’ Alec Baldwin as “A NORMAL ONE” but it’s binna long nearly four’y years. Anyway wot I’m sayin’ is, normal’s left the fuckin’ buildin’ fer Number 2, it’s all zany all the fuckin’ time. There’s a subplot involving the fuckin’ GHOST POLICE led by Willem The Foe like he’s inna fifties Detective Flick. Thass awesome tho, ain’t got any complaints ‘bout that bit at all. All the Ghost World shit looks great, it’s like fuckin’ UNFILTERED Tim Burton annit’s good enuff t’get me past not really likin’ seein’ The Afterlife shown like it’s like havin’ A JOB, but by the end I woz like, “A little bit’ve this would’ve gone a long way an’na LOT’VE IT goes fuckin’ MILES. 

Gettin’ as much’ve the orig’nal cast back as they could withou’ gettin’ fully fuckin’ cancelled goes a good way ta makin’ this work as well azzit doz. It ain’t all a bed’ve roses tho. Like, I ain’t seen too many people say this, but I weren’t too int’a wot they did with Lydia. Winona Ryder’s great but like, seein’ Lydia grow to be sum pill-poppin’ middle-aged doormat with a cringey Most Haun’ed ripoff show inna gaslighty relationship with The Only Credited Writer’ve Iron Man 2 jussa bit’ve a fuckin’ downer. Cath O’Hara’s worth ‘er weight in fuckin’ gold tho, an’ where Delia is now makes total fuckin’ sense with how she woz the last time we saw ‘er. The scenes with ‘em together’s sum’ve the best act’ul writin’ innit as well. The bit where they’re they’re on the porch chattin’ ‘bout how they get on now where Lydia goes, “Ya started likin’ me when I got on the telly,” an Delia goes, “Thass not true I started likin’ ya b’fore that,” an’ like fuckin’ MEAN IT, is like… it’s weirdly fuckin’ MOVIN’, know wot I mean? That sumwhere in the last four fuckin’ decades these two full-on fuckin’ oddballs foun’ a way t’make it fuckin’ work. Nice bit’ve work that. 

Jenna Ortega’s alrigh’ as well. She ain’t the abs’lute Tim Burton Wet Fuckin’ Dream in this I think lots’ve ya wanned ‘er t’be I don’t think. She ain’t jus’ Doin’ A Wednesday which’s nice, when I saw she woz inna boardin’ school me fuckin’ blood ran cold, but she’s playin’ it straighter’n I woz expectin’, prob’ly coz the only other character that even played any’ve this even sligh’ly straight got eaten by a shark coz ‘is actor’s a nonce, SADLY more on that later. Wot’s annoyin’ is coz’ve that, she’s jussa bit THERE as far’s wot she brings t’the table, an’ we all fuckin’ know she can do more. All she gets’s not believin’ in ghosts, an’ the trope’ve the kind’ve the person who can see ghosts not thinkin’ they’re real’s REALLY fuckin’ tired, Boss. She gets ‘er own little Ghost Romance but it ends up bein’ more’ve a McMuffin more’n anythin’ else. It’s sort’ve a shame. 

An’ now we get t’Beetlejuice. I woz gonna do a bit where I sed ‘is name three times b’fore coverin’ ‘im but I seddit five times in the firs’ two paragraphs alone so THASSA dead fuckin’ idea innit. 

I don’t like how people’ve made a thing’ve how he only gets sumthin’ like seventeen minutes’ve screentime in the flick named after ‘im twice. I don’t like how we’ve started treatin’ movies like they’re fuckin’ EQUATIONS. Ya can’t make a good film usin’ fuckin’ MATHS. I sumtimes think ev’ryone havin’ a fuckin’ STOPWATCH in their pockets now is one’ve the more underra’ed reasons why everythin’s goin’ t’shit. I didn’t feel like I didn’t get enuff Beetlejuice. Didn’t feel like I got TOO MUCH Beetlejuice neither. If movie gets anythin’ righ’ it’s that fer I feel like I got JUS’ THE RIGH’ AMOUN’VE BEETLEJUICE. An’ Mike Keaton’s still goddit in ‘im. He ain’t got the fuckin’ spring in ‘is step he had in Number 1 no more, ain’t gonna say he doz, but he AIN’T FAR FUCKIN’ OFF, an’ verb’ly he’s still all the way there, he can still do the voice, he rattles of ‘is lines a million miles a minute, an on top’ve that he still looks great in the geddup. He could’ve bin brough’ in with a bit more fuckin’ GRAVITAS, it looked like thass wot they were gonna do when Lydia kept gettin’ flashes’ve ‘im but then there’s a crossfade an’ he’s jus’ THERE inna sea’ve Bobs. Bob’s a good lad by the way. Deserved a raise. Wen’ out on ‘is fuckin’ shield. He didn’t havva shield. If he DID he migh’ still be alive. Dead. Wotever. 

Extra half-a-star fer Beetlebaby, if there woz any justice that thing’d be the Goff Baby Groot. That last scene woz fuckin’ BRILL by the way, it woz fucked up inna way I weren’t expectin’ any’ve Beetlejuice 2 t’be. Woz anyone else a bit taken back by how fuckin’ GORY this one woz? The firs’ one’s a bit prudish given wot it’s about but the viscera’s fuckin’ almos’ on the fuckin’ camera lens this go. Also wot with Babyjuice crawlin’ on the ceiling’ an’ Beetlejuice sayin’ “CHOOSE LIFE” at one point? More Trainspottin’ ref’rences than I woz expectin’ inna Beetlejuice sequel. MINUS half-a-star coz, Jeff Jones ain’t in this, he ain’t even doin’ the voice fer ‘is own chewed-up corpse, an’ they wen’ out’ve their way lettin’ ev’ryone KNOW he weren’t in this, but if ya woz expectin’ not t’have t’LOOK at the cunt I’ve got BAD news for ya. There are SO MANY FUCKIN’ PICTURES’VE ‘IM MATE, they’re ev’rywhere, an’ the camera lingers on ‘em as well. He gets ‘is own fuckin’ CLAYMATION bruv. I get the feelin’ this wozza very, very, VERY reluctan’ writin’ out if ya follow me. I reckon if they had even a fuckin’ FRACTION’VE an idea they could’ve got away with puttin’ ‘im in this, they would’ve dunnit. It leaves a bit’ve a bitter taste thinkin’ that, fuckin’ genuin’ly.