I can hear you groaning through the screen at the title of this blog entry because that would have been my reaction once upon a time. I have written numerous times about my goal to stop nursing the bitterness to free myself, but I absolutely would not embrace the term forgiveness because what was done to me was unforgiveable.
About a year ago, my dearest friend betrayed me, and her betrayal triggered many of my childhood issues surrounding trust. After months of intense bitterness and anger (all well-deserved), I felt led to forgive her … not because she deserved it (nobody being forgiven ever “deserves” it) but because doing so would free me. I used the tools provided in Beth Moore’s book, Praying God’s Word, of praying blessings over this person who had hurt me so badly. Over a period of months, I released the bitterness, and it was replaced by peace.
Next, I felt led to do the same thing with my mother/abuser. If you have read any of my blog entries about my mother, you know how difficult this was for me. I did this for several months, and the same thing happened – I was able to release my bitterness in a way that had not been possible before.
In May, I saw my mother/abuser for the first time in 4-1/2 years because we were both invited to my nephew’s high school graduation. While seeing my mother/abuser was not enjoyable, I got through it with grace and without taking away from the reason we had come together – to celebrate my nephew’s accomplishments. I don’t believe I could have done this if I had not spent the prior several months praying blessings over her. I truly do not wish her harm, and I hope that she will one day know peace – not because she deserves it but because I have made the choice to let go of my bitterness toward her.
I have no desire to reconcile with either of these people – not with my ex-friend or my mother/abuser – because neither is repentant for her betrayal. Unless and until they are repentant, including taking full responsibility for their betrayals, any possibility of reconciliation is off the table.
That being said, if the day ever comes that either of them fully own up to the damage they inflicted on me and choose to offer me a sincere apology, I’ll be able to have that conversation without the weight of unresolved anger and bitterness because I have forgiven them both. I will feel no obligation to walk with them again, but I will also be able to sincerely wish them well because I am finished with harboring anger and bitterness toward them. I am free to live my life without feeling tethered to them.
Photo credit: Microsoft
Blooming Lotus 
I really liked the way you summarized your feelings here. Life is often a series of missteps with people who disappoint us. I think it’s unavoidable.
A cliche often said is ” It’s not what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you ” is noteworthy. Bitterness and unresolved anger at those who created the bitterness is one of lifes anomalies.
It’s often hard to believe that where there is life, there is hope. We often have no choice but to accept and move on and hope for the best. Emotional scars can last a lifetime. But what we choose to dwell on and think about is something we can control.
I admire your courage in trying to confront this and put things in a workable perspective. I also hope you have an emotional outlet (other) and support to take you forward. Whatever you do. Please, do not look back. 🙂
You are so right, eyes are rolling. But hearts are grateful that you posted this. I love my parents, and I don’t like them, with good reason for both. I lived with putrid bitterness for many a year before finally choosing to forgive them and cleanse myself of the rancid feelings associated with them. I am much better off for having taken this step. Thank you for the reminder. Keep on going!
Faith..so good to see your post. Your website was so much help to me when I started this healing journey. Beth Moore’s book helped me so much too. Rejecting the spirit of depression and fear, and CHOOSING to forgive my mother…not wanting to but making the choice do so so for me, really. I am still triggered but not as much. I was given that book while doing a study called Shelter from the Storm. Another class,,, the best I have been to is called Restoring Relationships, The man’s name is Dominic Herbst. Eye opening if you are ready for the forgiveness option. GB you, Meg
I love your blog. But hate this post. I have no words to express my feelings about what I just read.
I think it is possible to forgive without reconciliation. Thanks for this inspiring post. I put up a post on my old blog for the first time in ages today. Just swinging by to the blogs on my blogroll with links that still work. Glad to see your helpful blog is still up and running.
I would like to reiterate what Meg said – your blog was one of the first I found when I first started seeing a therapist over two years ago, and it has been an incredible help to me. I started reading even before I started recovering memories of sexual abuse. I knew that my mother had been physically abusive, and I knew that I had some worsening anxiety/control freak issues. I would open your blog and pray about where to read – so many times I would get frustrated because I’d end up reading about sexual abuse (one memorable day, I found the link to a questionaire “you may have been sexually abused if …”, answered 98% of the questions in the affirmative, and told myself the same was likely true if you’d been physically abused!) or DID. I resisted the very idea of DID until I read your phrase “Imagine a life in which you no longer berate yourself in your head” and a wave of longing swept over me.
Today I came looking for what you might have said about anger, and found some helpful things again. (I also refused to believe there was anger. Good Christian girls do not get angry. They move straight to forgiveness …)
All a long winded way to say thank you so much. You will never know how instrumental you have been in my healing.
Susan