I don’t check up on this blog much anymore, but I felt led to do so and share where I currently am on my healing journey. The entire time I was writing the Blooming Lotus blog, I was active in Bible studies, particularly those written by Beth Moore, who is a Christian speaker and author who is also a child abuse survivor. Nobody who knows who she is thinks of her with the label of “child abuse survivor,” though, and that is what I am seeking in my own life – to discover who I am outside of the label of “child abuse survivor.”
Two of her Bible studies have greatly impacted where I am now: Breaking Free and Believing God. In March 2013, I was in another bad place and questioned whether I would ever be free of my past. Where was this peace and satisfaction that Beth Moore said were mine as God’s child? I set aside a full day for prayer, worship, and crying out to God, and my life has not been the same since.
For the first time in my life, I experience joy. Yes, JOY! I didn’t know that was possible for me, but it is and has been for months now. In May, I realized that the undercurrent of wanting to die was finally gone – GONE! I now know what it is like to live my life JOYFUL and without an underlying death wish. I never dreamed this was possible!
This wonderful period of joy has lasted for SIX MONTHS, even while various challenges slammed me in my day-to-day life. No matter what life threw at me, I was “standing on solid ground,” knowing that God is always – ALWAYS – in control and protecting me. Nothing that my abusers broke in me is too broken for God to heal. NOTHING!
Last month, God put heavily on my heart that it is time to heal my marriage. God had already been softening both my heart and hub’s for a number of months and even moved hub into a life decision to stop complaining and be content. I was not involved in this decision of his, and he has not complained in almost two months. This season has been challenging for me because part of healing my marriage involves healing my feelings about sex and undoing all of the lies woven into my head – that “pleasure” and pain are intertwined and that marital sex is trying to say “I love you” with the same physical action as rape.
For the last month, I have been integrating my most wounded parts, and that has been difficult. However, this time around, I know where my solid ground is, and I feel like I can reach out and touch God because He is so close to me as I heal my most wounded parts of myself. In the midst of healing the pain, I know in the very depths of my heart and soul that I am fully and completely loved. I don’t know what I will look like after this process is completed, but I am resting on the promise that God wants this part of me healed. Once this is healed, I will have fully reclaimed all of the parts of myself that my abusers took from me. I am living Isaiah 61. I have been restored!
I was always very careful not to weave too much “God talk” into this blog because I did not want to trigger anyone with religious triggers. However, I cannot blog any longer with God hiding in the background. GOD IS MY HEALER AND RESTORER!! Behold, He makes all things new! And He is making me new. After all of the trauma, pain, rage, and grief, I have been made new! If God can not only heal but RENEW me, He can do it for you, too! Don’t let ANYONE tell you that you are a lost cause. The Maker of Heaven and earth has the power to fully free you from your bondage if you will let Him.
Photo credit: Microsoft
Blooming Lotus 
Faith,
SO nice to hear from you again! Even better to hear about your changes. Bless you for keeping us in your thoughts, and … the word congratulations seems inadequate here, but that’s all I can come up with at the moment, so…
Congratulations!
This is so awesome. I know much of your story, and the same types of pain, including a mother I believe was ritually abused as a child. And she did the most horrendous things to me. That is a short form of the horrors, but I also know of the power of God to heal! He is my best friend and comforter and I can’t stay silent about Him. Thank you for sharing!
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!! HOW DID YOU DO THIS!!!?! I WANT YOUR LIFE!!!
I am going to send this blog post to everyone I know…
Hi, Katie.
I wouldn’t wish the bad parts of my life on anyone, but the good parts are available to everyone! On the day I set aside to throw myself at God’s feet, I decided it was time to make a choice — Do I believe God or not? Either He can do what He says He can do, or He can’t. I chose to believe Him, and that was the day I found satisfaction in God.
The peace element wasn’t like flipping a switch. Instead, I must choose every single day, in every single way, to trust and believe that God holds me in the palm of His hand. I set aside an hour every morning — no exceptions!! — for prayer, praise, and Bible study. I also take a Sabbath day each week to rest, pray, and worship. I need the daily interaction with God — and, for me, giving Him the “first fruits” of my day first thing in the morning — to stay in a peaceful place.
I love the following Bible verse:
Isaiah 26:3
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”
Because I trust God, I am able to silence my mind and align my thoughts with what God says is truth, which leads to peace. :0)
~ Faith
I read this yesterday and haven’t been able to get it out of my head since. You are so wise and such a great example to me. I will never be able to forget your life and I will do my best to model myself after your powerful Faith. I will teach my future children these things, and they will teach their children, and so on forever. You changed my world. 🙂
Hi, Katie.
I am so pleased to know that my healing is also helping you. :0)
~ Faith
“I set aside a full day for prayer, worship, and crying out to God, and my life has not been the same since.”
I am going to try this!
I LOVED hearing from you again too and hearing of your Joy and happiness and renewed faith in God. Thank the Lord! I am determined that NO ONE will take that from me. My faith in a loving and faithful, GOOD spiritual father. I am so happy for you!!!
I think its simply important to share whats healing you. I am one of those people that shy away from God talk. But only because its a constant push rather than a share about ones personal experience. Be true to yourself. Be honest. After all it is YOUR blog. I Worked very hard for many years in therapy 12 step groups reading writing treatment. In the end I added one small element to my healing process and that was a spiritual one. I joined a group in a church for abuse survivors. It was very important to me that this group believed in expressing all emotions and using whatever words you needed to. They were that very group.
And a short year I grew and Healed a tremendous amount. I think that having God in the mix of healing or some kind of higher power is very important. Just as important as it was to reject that and express my hate and anger towards God in the end it was important to invite him back in. Sometimes damage caused by abuse feels so great it feels like nothing and no one can ever make it any better. It was then that I needed something or someone capable of a miracle. Thank you for sharing your truth I encourage you to continue to do so because like I said after all it is your blog and if we can’t be honest and true, then what’s the point? (((Hugs))) I’m happy for you and I hope to hear from you again.
Me too. Same healing power called by a different name. I had a lifting of the depression and pain I lived with for so long this past July. It is wonderful! I thought the rest of my life would just be a heavy slog. I am SO grateful. And I am so pleased that you, too are healing ALL the parts of your body, mind, and soul.
It is so nice to draw from your well of inspiration again. You have been missed. You are the reason for the birth of my blog and I hope to get to where you are in terms of Healing One day. You have made my Day.
One of the greatest parts of your story has been your ability to proclaim it was God who prevailed in your darkest of moments. If you have taken credit, then you would have destroyed the very message of victory in Christ. May you never forget who you are in Christ.
So glad to hear that you found that joy! I know that having that underlying joy of knowing who I am in relationship with my Creator…with the Messiah Yeshua/Jesus gets me through many things. He is my strength and my joy. He has always been a part of my healing and all I am and have today is because of Him.
Reblogged this on A Survivor's Thoughts on Life and commented:
G-d has always been a part of my healing process and journey. It is always nice to hear how He has helped someone else, too!
This is so wonderful to hear, Faith! However one gets there, healing is the goal, and it is certainly uplifting to hear about it as people get there.
Obviously I haven’t been around here much in the pasts year or so, because I’m just now seeing that you have “retired” from writing the blog, but I’m so glad you’re still leaving it in place because it has been so helpful for so many people over the years, and would be a terrible resource to lose.
I also hope you’ve made some progress on figuring out what your next life’s purpose is. It’s clear that helping people is likely going to need to be part of it, whatever form that may take.