The weather over the weekend was absolutely gorgeous! Saturday was one of those days that just felt amazing … the weather was so nice that all seemed right with the world. I was in a fabulous mood as I drove my son to the Halloween store to browse. The Halloween store is only open seasonally (for obvious reasons), and Saturday was the grand opening.
When I left the Halloween store, I was feeling very cranky. My head was hurting, so I thought I might need to eat dinner early. That did not help. Walking the dogs with my son did not help either, nor did talking on the phone with my sister. I started to wonder if I was coming down with a cold, if my allergies were aggravated, or if I was starting to have a migraine.
I was baffled by how I could have been in such a fabulous mood all day and then be in this terrible place of feeling absolutely miserable. I recounted my day and realized that the switch happened at the Halloween store.
I know that there are things in Halloween stores that can be triggering for me due to the ritual abuse, but I really thought I did okay. At no point did I get that “floaty” feeling in my head that tells me that I am triggered. I literally went from being in a great mood to having a headache in an instant. Once I realized that I was triggered, I took some Xanax and went to bed. I slept for 10 hours with acceptable dreams (intense but not nightmares).
The next day, I asked my friend and asked if she noticed anything weird about me at the Halloween store. She said I was completely fine until I went into the dressing room with my son the second time. That is when my demeanor changed. On the second trip, my son tried on a “Scream” costume (without my permission), which is a hooded black robe. Apparently, that was the trigger.
I have told my son multiple times that he may not wear a costume with a black robe, so of course that is what he wants to wear. My friend has offered to take him costume shopping in the future and not to allow him to get a black robe. (She knows my entire history.)
Right now, I am just focused on grounding myself again. It bothers me that I could get triggered that powerfully and have no idea that I was. Yes, I felt the physical changes but was completely oblivious to the trigger when it happened. A day later, I am still not back to normal. (I am writing this on Sunday night.) I will probably take more Xanax to help me sleep tonight.
It p@$$es me off that the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) still has this kind of power over me. I know that PTSD is managed rather than cured, and I know that I pull myself out of triggers much, much faster than I used to, but it still angers me to have to deal with this crap at all.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I am sorry that this happened. You did well with it.
I was going to say that I disagree with you that PTSD can only be managed. Perhaps it is a definition of terms.
I feel that PTSD is caused by trauma as a child is the bodies natural response to danger. That the body which includes the brain develops to deal with the environment in which it develops. I can feel my brain changing.
I will always associate any costume with those that wear them and think it makes them something they are not be it a judges robe or me in my wetland scientist costume. I will not have the same physical reaction as I did before I processed my life with included much trauma and sadness that I did not choose to experience.
I liken it to the addict that will always fight their addiction. If they accept that they will always fight than they will.
Hi, Michael.
I hope you are right. I am a fighter by nature (as you have probably noticed) and keep on fighting. It just makes me angry when the old wounds keep getting picked.
– Faith
I call it the doing better so I can do worse work. Nothing for it.
I think I am on the cusp where I do not need my anger to keep me going. Anger is underrated.
That sounds so frustrating! I wonder if the fact that you didn’t get the lightheaded signal that you were triggered is a sign that you are healing some and the trigger signal is morphing, or skipping a step… or if some kinds of triggers are just processed differently in the brain/body so that you are experiencing a different kind of signal (the headache)
I hope you feel better soon.
mia
i understand. I was so terrified last year and am really worried as it is coming and the stores are opening. some similar stuff, no black hood, or masks for me either. I cant even be near this stuff I was terrified.
😦 i dont know how i will do this year. im worried.
[…] response is yes – I do relate to this. I shared yesterday about getting triggered at the Halloween store over the weekend, and I am still not over it. All last week, life seemed easy and carefree. This […]
I’m a middle school teacher in NC and I just wanted to write and thank you for the resources you have about Halloween, as they helped me out with my lesson plans for this October. I found another resource that I also used that I thought you and your readers might like (since my students liked it) that answers some of the questions my students had about the Holiday. I have included the link below if you would like to add it to your blog, tweet it or add it to your Facebook page.
http://www.thefreeresource.com/halloween-history-fun-facts-and-resources-to-plan-parties-and-make-decorations
Hope all is well and keep the great resources coming
Bre Matthews