As I shared yesterday, my son will soon be transferring to a private school that specializes in working with children with ADHD and learning disabilities. Hub and I are hopeful that this school can offer the “miracle cure” that we need. Our son is far too bright to be failing third grade.
I took my son to the school yesterday to do reading and math assessments. While he did this, I met with the headmaster, wrote a very large check (Yikes!), and then filled out a big packet of paperwork – all of those pesky forms that you have to fill out whenever you enroll a child in a school.
This form had a question on it that has never come up before. The school wanted to know the names, addresses, and phone numbers of the student’s grandparents. Both my father and hub’s mother are dead, and I had no problem with providing that information for hub’s father, but there was no way in hell I was going to write down my mother/abuser’s information on the form (nor did I even know it, to be quite honest.)
I wasn’t quite sure how to handle this, so I asked the librarian (I was filling out the forms in the library) what I should write down when I am estranged from my mother due to abuse and don’t want her anywhere near my kid. I am sure she was taken aback by my bluntness, but she said, “Just write N/A, and don’t worry about it. That information is only if you want to provide it.”
So, now you know — If you don’t want to disclose contact information for your abusive parent on a form, you can just write “N/A.” That keeps you from having to lie about it (such as claiming that the person is dead) but still protects your child. Why didn’t I think of that myself??
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Sometimes I think my emotions get in the way of figuring out the (at times obvious) solution. I grew up with a lot of strict rules. One of them was to answer questions immediately and honestly. I never had a chance to think about whether doing that was in my best interests or not, and sometimes I still behave in that way. If I was presented with such a form, I imagine feeling that I “should” answer the question because the “authority” told me to. Thanks for showing us another way.
mio
I have come across this many times in my 11 years as a parent. I typically put N/A on the form. I have also felt uncomfortable when the topic of “family history” comes up in school. My husband’s parents are both deceased, I am also estranged from my mother and have never met my bio father…I suppose I can understand why they “ask” such questions, but also feel an invasion of my privacy as I feel they are “attempting” to get me to disclose something I’m not comfortable with.
Take care,
Grace
I put UK for “unknown” — I have only been asked it with regard to medical history and the last 15 yrs of my father’s is unknown other than h is dead now.
I think if you are unsure of the info write UK or NA.
I am afraid I have come to a standstill in my healing.
I have known about what happened to me as a child for 17 years but back then I could not deal with it so although I remembered exactly what my older brother did to me I put the feelings away. True, technically he abused me but I deserved it and it was nothing compared to what others were going through. Besides, I was the weak and pathetic one. It was all my fault anyway. I went back and forth for years in my relationship with my brother but finally put it all away to form a loving relationship with him and fostered a close relationship between him and my three young children. Then the unthinkable happened. My abuse became a father. This pushed me over the edge. How could God let a monster like that father a child? It was the crisis that began my healing. I’m seeing a therapist on my own, a couples counselor with my husband. I even joined a support group and reading, lots of reading.
It was all going along the way everything said it should. I went through the emergency stage. I was making progress. It hurt like hell but for the first time I believed myself and I found people who could believe me too. I ended up with shingles and staff infections as a result of the trauma but I was dealing with that too. I was healing, finally. Then, all of a sudden the terrible pain in my chest disappeared. I wasn’t sad and scared all the time. I wasn’t having invasive thoughts or re-experiencing the abuse. I should be happy. It was a break from all the pain but that’s not how I feel. I feel lost and scared. I feel like I am moving backwards in my healing. I am back where I was before, putting away the pain, believing that what happened to me was nothing compared to people who really were abused. I have no right to use the word “incest” because he only touched me and looked at my naked body, showed me his. The violent stuff was all nonsexual and he never left a mark on me. No one believed me back then so why should I believe me now?
My family life is in a shambles because of demands I made in order to heal and now I have stopped healing. I am not on speaking terms with my parents, who I had always been so closed to. My husband has to organize the kids seeing them and we do not speak of their beloved uncle and aunt or new baby cousin. So far the children have not asked any questions but I do fear that they know something is going on. All I have cost my family and now it seems that I have stopped healing. I cannot find an answer in my books and for some reason I can’t ask this question of my support group or either counselor. What do I do? Do I wait this out? Just let it happen as it should? Do I give up on myself? Do I push myself to feel pain that my psyche is trying to hide from me? Should I just tell everyone, “I’m sorry. False alarm. I was making a big deal out of nothing again.”?
Sorry for going on so long but if you have any thoughts I’d love to hear them.