I got triggered at a Halloween party over the week. As I have shared before, I do not go to parties very often because I inadvertently commit some sort of faux pas that makes me look like an idiot. So, to the extent I am even invited to parties (intense people are hardly party material!), I am very careful about which ones I will even attend.
This weekend, one of my closest friends had a Halloween party. I knew most of the people there, which is always a plus. Things went very well for most of the night. I was not even triggered by the children running around in black capes, which can be a trigger for me. However, the hostess’ husband said something that triggered me, and I am happy to report that I was able to shake it off after a couple of hours.
Background – my friend offered to make four lasagnas for a different party but only owned two 9 x 13 Pyrex dishes. I loaned her my good one. When I found out that she needed a fourth, I offered my old one but warned her that it was not in good shape. Her husband made it his personal challenge to restore the dish to its original state, and he came close – I truly did not know that dish could look so go.
So, at the party he said that he wanted to “shame me” for having a dish in that condition and that I need to be more like an obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) mutual friend who had already left the party for the evening. (She is OCD about germs and cleaning.) One of my best friends was sitting next to me and jumped right in with, “Oh, no she doesn’t. I don’t need to calm her down about that kind of stuff, too. She has enough to deal with,” or something to that effect. The conversation rapidly moved elsewhere, but the damage was done.
I tried reminding myself that this guy is far from perfect and that it was an @$$hole thing to say to someone who was nice enough to loan his wife two dishes. I also tried reminding myself that it did not stop his wife from borrowing my crock pot, which was sitting in the next room heating part of the dinner as he said this. However, none of that mattered in the moment. I was flooded with shame because I was triggered, so no amount of rationalization was going to make a difference.
I could have gone a number of directions, but I chose the healthy route. The party was wrapping up by this point, so I made my exit as soon as I could without drawing notice to being triggered. I went home and did some work for my job while listening to positive music. After doing that for about an hour, I noticed that I really was okay again. Yeah, me! :0)
I had an intense dream that night. My friend and her husband were making veiled comments about me being fat (something my friend would never do). I ducked out quickly, but my friend caught me and insisted that we talk it through. She was apologetic as I battled my shame, and we talked it all out until I felt better.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Wow!! Yay you Faith!
That was a really asshole thing to say. Something I’ve noticed is that in social situations, people often don’t know WHAT to say, and in their lame attempts at CREATING something to say, they say all kinds of assholic things or just things that are supposed to be funny, but aren’t.
Anyway, it sucks that it happened, but now you know how strong you are and you dealt with it so beautifully! I hope they continue getting easier and easier to manage.
Have a great week,
pf
oops… I use pf on my own blog… it’s me, mia
Wow Faith it makes me happy to hear you were able to work through this one so well. That was a stupid thing for that guy to say. Sounds like something my co-worker would say. He’s always shooting off at the mouth like what Mia talks about. He has to fill the silence. He also has some interesting behaviors to go along with that mouth. He likes to jump out and scare me. An intimidation tactic which I hate. Last week he made me jump when he snuck up behind me in the parking lot. I swung to hit him but missed. He just laughed. Then I laughted too but I dont know why. I felt like I was in layers, was also shaking and angry, triggered. Didn’t realize until just now I went through a whole trigger cycle on that one.
Only the best wishes for you Faith and Mia. I hope you both have a good day.
(anyone heard from simon lately?)
palucci
Hi, Palucci.
Next time, be sure to use better aim and keep hitting until you land a punch. Maybe that will stop him from doing that. :0)
– Faith
Will do! 🙂
My GOD! There must be somebody you can report him to… that kind of harassment is so wrong.
I’m hoping next time you don’t miss!
Take it easy Palucci, and have a great week.
Peace,
mia
*shakes head* people say some st00pid stuff ‘eh. but you did handle it really well and that’s some kinda cool.
Well done – I don’t know if I could have dealt with something like that. Some people really do not think when they talk.
Be Blessed
good for you! I couldnt have handled any of that…. it would have sent me downward fast…. you are strong!
You took the high road, good for you!
Still I think it was even wrong for your friend to say what she did, too, even tho she was trying to defend you. I think it drew further attention to the fact that you sometimes have issues. But, it all turned out okay – that is great progress.