One thing that triggers me about being sick is the fear of not being believed. Even though I am pushing forty years old, I feel like a little kid when I go in to see the doctor. I just know that he is going to accuse me of “faking” my illness and send me along my way. While the adult part of myself knows that this is not going to happen, there is still a wounded inner child part of myself that fears that I will not be believed.
This happened when I went to see the doctor about this sinus infection. I did not know what was wrong with me. I feared that it might be the flu or some sort of severe cold. I was sleeping 16+ hours a day, which is clearly not normal.
The doctor checked my throat first and said that must be the secondary symptom, which I heard as “I caught you faking your first symptom.” He then looked in my ear and saw fluid but no infection, which I heard as “You are overreacting to this, too.” Then, he looked in my nose and said, “Oh, yeah. You have a sinus infection. Let’s talk antibiotics.” Then, I knew that he believed me.
It doesn’t help that hub gets really stressed out whenever I get sick. Any time I tell him that I am getting sick, he says, “No, you’re not,” as if I cannot identify a cold in my own body. I know that is just about his own junk and has nothing to do with what is going on today with me, but it feeds my insecurities about not being believed. Until I start canceling commitments, hub does not even believe me when I say that I am sick.
I know that all of these issues are about me and not about hub. I am the one who still has all sorts of issues arising out of being under the weather. It never ceases to amaze me the degree to which child abuse permeates every area of your life.
Related Topic:
Trauma Tuesday: Traumatized Children and Frequent or Inconvenient Illnesses
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 