8 Ways to Provide Emotional Support for Your Partner

Everybody needs emotional support, but it can be challenging to know how and when to provide it. To create a healthy relationship, you want your partner to know you're there for them, while still being mindful of your own mental well-being.

There are a number of strategies to provide emotional support in a way that is healthy for both you and your partner.

How to Emotionally Support Your Partner

Listen to Your Partner

When your partner opens up to you, it’s important to really listen and pay attention. It can be easy to get distracted, especially when we lead such busy lives, but it’s important your partner is given your full attention. 

If you are not fully present while listening, you may miss important information, which may leave your partner feeling like you aren't interested in or don't care about their thoughts and feelings. Active listening is a supportive and caring practice when someone is opening up to you.

Ask Your Partner What They Need From You

If your partner is opening up to you and you are not sure what they need, you can ask what they’re looking for in that moment. A good question to ask for clarification is: "Would you prefer comfort or solutions right now?"

If they just want to vent, they may not be in a state to receive or appreciate advice and feel upset and unheard. Studies have shown that men in particular are more likely to want to “fix” things for their partners rather than simply listen.

Paraphrase and Repeat Back What They've Said

By doing this, you’re showing that you’re actively listening, and that you understand what your partner is saying. It also validates what your partner is telling you. When they’ve finished telling you something, you can summarize what they've said. A way to begin paraphrasing and repeating what they've said is, "What I'm hearing you sharing is..."

If there’s anything you’re not sure on, don’t be afraid to ask for clarification. It shows that you’re taking an interest and you want to be on the same page. 

Take Their Problems Seriously

Whatever your partner is going through or struggling with, it’s important to take it seriously and to respond with empathy, care, and compassion – even if it’s not something you’d personally see as a big deal. Because, to your partner, it is a big deal. 

Sometimes, people want to say things like “It’s not the end of the world” when a loved one is struggling, but their feelings are not any less valid because some people might have it worse. Your partner will appreciate you taking their problems seriously as something that is real and valid for them a lot more than they would you minimizing or dismissing them. 

Offer Physical Affection

Whether or not physical affection is desired or helpful depends on the person and situation. For some, physical affection may feel welcome and comforting when it comes to providing your partner with emotional support. This might be something as simple as holding their hand while they’re talking to you, or cuddling them when they are struggling. You can offer physical affection by asking questions such as "Can I hold your hand or rub your back as you are speaking?" and "Is it okay if I give you a hug?"

Different people like different levels of physical affection at different times. If you are feeling unsure, communicate with your partner so you can learn what they are open to receiving and can provide it accordingly.

Provide Meaningful Gestures

When your partner is struggling, they might find it more difficult to carry out the usual day-to-day responsibilities and tasks. While listening to your partner is important, some people appreciate concrete actions like taking care of some of the tasks they might not feel up to. 

If there’s a chore they usually do that takes time and effort, you could offer to do it for them. Or, you could pick up their favorite food so they don’t have to worry about cooking, or even just pick up some flowers or a small gift to let them know you thinking about them and that you care. 

Simply Offer Love

It can be reassuring and comforting for your partner to be reminded that you love them and are with them through a challenging time. Make it clear that you love them, you’re there for them, and you care for them. It might not fix or solve what they’re going through, but it’ll certainly help them feel more supported and less alone. 

Check In Later

Maybe your partner opened up about something on their mind and you were able to support them with some of the practices above. Challenges take time to be processed and navigated so your partner will likely need follow up care and support.

Your partner will likely appreciate you checking in with them regularly – making time and effort to follow up shows you’re thinking about them and that you care about what they’re going through even if they haven’t directly brought the subject up again.

What to Avoid When Your Partner Needs Emotional Support

"It’s important you don’t end up becoming your partner’s therapist," says Elena Touroni, PhD, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic. "Providing emotional support is a vital part of any meaningful relationship but it needs to be a shared experience. The dynamic should never feel one-sided."

Meanwhile, Kalliopi Cabarcas, LMHC, therapy director at Babylon, explains that it's easy to compare and minimize when your partner opens up to you. "Not only does this go against the importance of listening to our partners, it completely invalidates and diminishes the experience of the person seeking support," she says. "We may often feel that this is a way of relating to others, when it actually creates more distance between partners. If your partner feels coming to you for support will only be met with comparison and dismissiveness, that is a recipe for more issues with communication."

In essence, you need to listen to your partner and take them seriously, without getting distracted or immediately trying to solve the problem – unless they ask – or comparing what they’re going through to people who may have it worse. But at the same time, it's important that it's not one-sided – rather, that you're mutually supportive with each other.

If you find you are giving care and comfort to the point where you are feeling burned out, drained, and resentful, this is a sign that you are becoming burned out overextending yourself. At this point, it is important to take care of yourself and encourage or support your partner in seeking additional support from friends, community members, or a therapist.

How to Provide Emotional Support When You Also Feel Down

As much as you might want to provide emotional support when you're also feeling low, it can be difficult. It is important you are looking after yourself too, of course.

"It's ok to share your own emotions when someone is sharing with you," explains Cabarcas. "Just keep in mind not to compare or one-up. This can actually help strengthen communication amongst couples if we allow ourselves to share our emotions and feel safe with the person we are sharing them with. If you are feeling down, it's ok to say it.

Also, being supportive does not mean completely neglecting your own feelings. Not only is it important to be honest about your emotions, but it's also important to be honest if something is too much, Cabarcas says. If you're feeling overloaded as a partner, it is ok to be honest about the support you are capable of providing in that moment and to set a boundary to show you have a limited capacity to help.

But overall, sharing feelings with a partner is beneficial. You may decide to take turns discussing your feelings with one another, and you may realize you feel less alone if your partner is feeling a similar way, too. 

What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

You won’t always know what to say when your partner opens up to you, particularly if you can’t relate to what they’re going through. 

Don’t be afraid to admit that you can’t relate directly, but still make sure to emphasize that you’re there for your partner and you love them. This might be where non-verbal methods of supporting your partner come in. Even if you aren’t sure what to say, a kiss, a hug, or a hand-hold might say more than your words can. Or, you can express your care and concern by buying them a gift, doing the chores, or taking the dog for a walk so they don’t have to. 

When to Suggest Outside Help

You might not be best equipped to deal with everything your partner tells you. Or, you might be getting overwhelmed with everything they tell you. At this point, external help may be beneficial. But how can you go about suggesting your partner goes to therapy? 

Dr. Touroni explains: "Choose a private space—somewhere they’ll be comfortable and where you won’t be disturbed. Talk about your own experiences if you’ve had therapy before. Be validating and compassionate—mention that you’ve noticed that they haven’t been acting themselves. Make it clear that you’re only sharing this because you care about them. Give them space to talk about how they’re feeling, if they want to. Offer your support in finding the right therapist."

Providing your partner with emotional support will only serve to make your relationship stronger in the long run, but there are right ways to go about things. As Cabarcas sums up, “Providing emotional support doesn't mean we take on our partner's problems nor does it mean we fix it for them. It means we sit with our loved ones, empathize with them and help them to feel that their emotions are valid. This goes a long way in establishing security and comfort in any relationship."

Different things will resonate with different people and what works for your partner might not work for somebody else. Doing your best to learn what your partner needs and providing emotional support for them through difficult times is an act of love and care that can be supportive of healing, comfort, and closeness in your relationship.