How to Be a Considerate College Roommate, According to Experts

Arriving on campus can feel like a race to claim the best furniture or a certain side of the room. You might prefer the top bunk or the bed farthest from the window because you're not a morning person. If possible, communicate your preferences prior to your arrival, says Eric Barnes, MEd, the director of residential life at Connecticut College. Try waiting for all parties to arrive to start moving furniture or setting up the space.

Shortly after move-in day, plan a sit-down with your roommate so you can learn more about each other's likes and pet peeves, says Mind Brain Emotion founder Jenny Woo, PhD. She recommends exchanging class schedules and discussing bedtimes. If noise is an issue, consider using earplugs or noise-canceling headphones so you're not disrupting each other's sleep or study time.

"In a shared space, typically what one roommate does, the other is guilty by association," says Scott Silverman, EdD, the dean of noncredit and external programs at Santa Monica College. If your roommate engages in underage drinking, smoking, vaping, or using drugs, one way to address this is by saying, "You can do what you want, but can you not use drugs around me because this is where I live and I don't want to get in trouble?" Hopefully, your roommate will respect your boundaries, but if they don't, you have the option of requesting another room.

The sooner you start communicating with your roommate, the better your chances of coexisting peacefully. Share how you want to receive feedback and invite them to do the same. More than likely, you'll have different beliefs and communication styles, so it's best to avoid making assumptions.

If a conflict arises, Barnes says, "Come into the situation with an open mind and reflect on how you might be contributing to the problem." See if you can reach a compromise before escalating the issue to a resident adviser or director. Sometimes, bringing in a third party can sow distrust and make the other person feel defensive.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't reach out for support. Your resident adviser can offer resources and advice for navigating conflict without intervening directly. If other roommates are involved, Dr. Woo suggests getting a "sanity check" by talking to them and making sure you have an accurate view of the situation. The goal is to find a mutually agreeable way to move forward with your roommate.

Cleanliness can be a source of conflict. Dr. Silverman suggests broaching this subject by saying, "Let's make a list of our house rules and how we'd like to keep our space." Maybe one roommate's job is to sweep the floor twice a week, while the other is responsible for emptying the garbage when it's full.

"It's important for everyone to feel as though they have their role and that responsibilities are distributed equitably," Barnes says. "It can become a problem when one person fails to complete their tasks."

If this happens, his advice is to have a conversation with your roommate. You can say, "I noticed the trash can has been full lately and you agreed to take it out. I've emptied it a couple of times this week. If you're finding it hard to stay on top of this, would it help to switch tasks?" Your cleaning schedule isn't set in stone, so you might consider rotating tasks throughout the semester.

Get to know each other's comfort level with things like having a guest sit on your bed, use your belongings, or eat your food. You can express your wishes by saying, "If I'm not here, feel free to borrow these things" or "I'm on a tight budget, so I'm hoping you can chip in on groceries since your guests drank my sodas."

Make sure to clarify if guests include significant others and give each other space to say what's negotiable and what's not, Dr. Woo says. She suggests consulting your roommate if your partner plans to stay overnight and being mindful about PDA in common areas.

"If something is no longer working, it's important to bring it up immediately," Barnes says. You can say, "I'd like to revisit this rule about guests. Are you OK if we set this time for guests to leave the room?" It's not about getting your way all the time, but learning to compromise.

"You don't have to be best friends with your roommate, but you also don't want to be enemies or frenemies," Dr. Silverman says. Even if you are friends with your roommate, it's OK to have your own friend group and activities. That said, your roommate might appreciate an occasional invite when you're going to an event or hanging out in the room.

Small acts of kindness can help foster a positive environment — they may even inspire your roommate to reciprocate. Here are some ideas:

Being envious can fuel resentment and cause us to lash out at other people. If your roommate has more dates or friends, you might start comparing your college experience to theirs. This is where doing some inner work can help clarify your values and priorities.

Try channeling envy into something more productive. "It's good to remove yourself from the situation and broaden your view, instead of spotlighting on how your roommate is thriving," Dr. Woo says. Going for a walk, changing your scenery, or hanging out with other people can help put things in perspective.

Remember, your room isn't the only place to spend your time. There are a lot of clubs, activities, parties, and events happening on campus. "If you don't have a good roommate, these become your outlets," Dr. Silverman says. The more flexible and adaptable you are, the better off you'll be in college and in life.

Nandini Maharaj, PhD, is a trained therapist with a master's degree in counseling and a doctorate in public health. Her writing on health, wellness, relationships, and dogs has been featured by PS, Self, Well+Good, Business Insider, Apartment Therapy, the American Kennel Club, and more.