How Normal Is My Obsession With My Partner's Ex?

Keeping tabs on your partner's ex is a universal experience. Even celebrities can relate: Olivia Rodrigo, Billie Eilish, and Fletcher have all written songs about stalking their partner's exes, with Rodrigo stating specifically she's "obsessed." (Honestly, relatable.)

It's more than good material for a catchy pop song, though: keeping up with your significant other's former flame is a common phenomenon, whether people admit it or not. "Curiosity about a partner's ex is quite normal, and social media provides a convenient way to satisfy this curiosity," relationship therapist Aliyah Moore says. While Instagram and TikTok don't always portray the most authentic side of someone's life, it does offer a glimpse of your lover's past.

But at what point does an obsession with a partner's ex (or in some cases, your ex's ex) become unhealthy? Moore explains below.

Aliyah Moore, PhD, is a certified sex and relationship therapist with a doctorate in gender and sexuality studies. She is also the resident sex expert at SexualAlpha, a website dedicated to helping people explore their bodies and sexual wellness products.

A little lurking is to be expected, and being curious about who your partner previously dated isn't something to feel embarrassed about. Moore says it's "perfectly normal" to wonder about their past relationships, especially since those experiences have shaped your partner into who they are today.

If you find yourself wondering, Moore suggests first asking your significant other for information directly versus checking in on their ex's social media. "Asking about past relationships in a respectful manner can be a way to understand your partner better, learn about their relationship patterns, and gain insights into what has worked or not worked for them in the past," she says. (One PS contributor says he actually prefers to ask his dates about their exes in the beginning stages of dating.)

All that to say, if you don't want to ask, a little creeping here and there is NBD — especially if you're doing it just because you're curious. But if you're creating Finsta accounts to stalk your partner's ex because of "feelings of insecurity" or to "seek validation," this is where it may become a problem.

"People may want to gauge how they measure up against their ex's past partners, whether it's in terms of appearance, achievements, or personality traits," Moore says. "This comparison can serve to validate one's own worth or highlight areas for personal growth."

Though this, too, is common, it's not necessarily healthy. Because if you are looking for affirmation of your worth or your relationship, you won't find it by stalking your partner's ex. That can only come from yourself and your relationship.

If you find that you're looking for this affirmation, Moore says it may be worth having an open and honest conversation with your partner. Discuss any concerns and collaboratively work on establishing a relationship that is built on trust and security, Moore suggests. "While it's normal to be curious about a partner's past, it's essential to prioritize the current relationship and not allow previous connections to undermine present happiness."

And if you find yourself thinking about your partner's ex often or wanting to creep on their profiles regularly, it may be time to talk with a mental health professional who can help you address the reasons why. Because unlike what Rodrigo says in her song, you probably shouldn't know your partner's ex's star sign or blood type.

Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.