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    F*ck the Polar Bears (NHB Modern Plays)
    F*ck the Polar Bears (NHB Modern Plays)
    F*ck the Polar Bears (NHB Modern Plays)
    Ebook124 pages50 minutes

    F*ck the Polar Bears (NHB Modern Plays)

    By Tanya Ronder

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    About this ebook

    A raucous family drama about the cost of living the life of our dreams.
    Gordon and Serena have worked hard to get where they are. He's on the verge of a massive promotion at an energy giant. She's preparing for a move into the house of their dreams.
    The family appear to be cooking on gas.
    But behind their perfect front door, light bulbs are blowing, the drains keep blocking, and a phone inexplicably refuses to charge. Not to mention that daughter Rachel's adored toy polar bear is nowhere to be found.
    F*ck the Polar Bears premiered at the Bush Theatre, London, in September 2015.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherNick Hern Books
    Release dateSep 10, 2015
    ISBN9781780016597
    F*ck the Polar Bears (NHB Modern Plays)
    Author

    Tanya Ronder

    Tanya Ronder is a celebrated playwright who trained at RADA and spent fourteen years working as an actress before turning to writing. Her 2007 adaptation of DBC Pierre's Booker Prize-winning novel, Vernon God Little, was nominated for an Olivier Award for Best New Play as well as a What's On Stage Award for Best New Comedy and was revived by the Young Vic in 2011 as part of their anniversary season. In 2009, she adapted JM Barrie's much-loved children's book, Peter Pan, which played to critical acclaim at Kensington Gardens' twelve hundred seat tent and then moved to the O2 for Christmas before touring America. It toured again in the summer of 2014. Her original plays include Table, which opened to critical acclaim in the Shed at the National Theatre in 2013, and F*ck the Polar Bears, which premiered at The Bush Theatre, London, in 2015. Other credits include Liolà which opened at the National Theatre's Lyttelton in 2013 and Dara which opened in January 2015, again in the Lyttelton.

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      Book preview

      F*ck the Polar Bears (NHB Modern Plays) - Tanya Ronder

      ACT ONE

      Scene One

      Friday evening

      A smooth car pulls up on gravel. The central hallway/open living area of an ostentatious house in North London. Large enough to house a backless divan/daybed, all the action takes place in this space. We hear the front door close, the inner door open, a slight curse, then GORDON arrives with a door handle in his hand. He is laden – doorknob, briefcase, pizzas, off-licence bag. SERENA calls.

      SERENA (off). Is that you?

      GORDON (calls back). Hello, lollipop.

      SERENA (off). Hi, I’m just…

      GORDON. Don’t worry. Rache?

      (Calls.) Rachel?

      SERENA (off). She’s at Helen’s.

      SERENA dashes in with a girl’s bag. These two are down-to-earth people come to money late, not posh at all. SERENA, younger than GORDON, has a strong Irish or regional accent, GORDON is from London or the regions. Their conversation is fast and pinched.

      You’re late.

      He puts down his stuff to help.

      GORDON. What can I do?

      SERENA. Did that just – ?

      GORDON. Clarence can –

      SERENA. Yep.

      Beat.

      You got my text?

      GORDON. What did he say?

      SERENA. That we’re being gazumped, in his agent way…

      GORDON. Don’t panic, Serena…

      SERENA. It’s reasonable panic, Gordon, I don’t know why you’re not.

      GORDON. It’s my job not to.

      SERENA. This is home, Gord, not work, your serenity’s all wrong here.

      GORDON. Can’t help it, when stress comes up I just say no.

      SERENA. Whereas I actually make huge efforts to feel uptight all the time.

      Beat.

      Did you get it?

      GORDON. I’ve come straight from a meet.

      SERENA. Via Pizza Dome…

      GORDON. With a pretty spectacular outcome.

      SERENA. But no bonus.

      GORDON. I didn’t want to ask for what is essentially a Christmas present in September.

      They start talking over each other.

      SERENA. Nearly October –

      GORDON. You know what I’m saying –

      SERENA. Why did you say you were going to, then?

      GORDON. Because –

      SERENA. You went this morning saying you would ask.

      GORDON. Were there no alternative. A bonus is finite.

      SERENA. I know it’s fucking finite – yes I know I swore, I’ll put a pound in the box –

      GORDON. I’m getting you your house, my love –

      SERENA. What if we get another offer, lose that buyer too, and it’s not my fucking house. (Swear box.) I know.

      GORDON. Serena, listen, I know it’s not in the bank –

      SERENA. Which is where it needs to be –

      GORDON. But, but it will be by Monday. Trust me, we’ll come in, bang, with anything they need, blow everything else out the water.

      SERENA. How?

      GORDON. I’m in a completely different scenario than I was twelve hours ago.

      SERENA. Did you molest someone, you been arrested?

      He appreciates her humour.

      GORDON. What time are you leaving?

      SERENA catches sight of the time.

      SERENA. Oh God, where’s Blundhilde… (Calls off.) Blundhilde?

      BLUNDHILDE replies from upstairs.

      BLUNDHILDE (off). Coming!

      GORDON. We’re safe, my sweetheart, trust me.

      SERENA. Apart from having to find several million over the weekend.

      GORDON. High streets are not the only option.

      SERENA changes her mind, calls back up to BLUNDHILDE.

      SERENA. In fact, not yet, don’t come down yet, five minutes, Blundhilde, okay? Blundhilde? Come down in five.

      BLUNDHILDE (off). Okay, Serena!

      SERENA (to GORDON). Hold there just one sec.

      SERENA runs to the utility room, the sound of a tumble dryer opening.

      (Off.) Shit.

      The tumble dryer closes, starts up again. GORDON shouts through to her.

      GORDON. What time are you back?

      SERENA (off). Clarence is here later.

      SERENA comes back in.

      What’s the crux?

      GORDON. Salary increase.

      Beat.

      Can we have coffee tomorrow?

      SERENA. I’m not here tomorrow.

      GORDON. Course.

      SERENA. We could at midnight or dawn.

      She dashes into an adjacent room.

      A walk in the park is like some dream from the past.

      She emerges with a brush.

      I’m so crap, I always forget her hairbrush.

      GORDON. D’you want some pizza before you go?

      SERENA. Maybe, it’s just a bit…

      She makes a face.

      But, it’s Friday.

      GORDON. Is that why you only have me on Fridays? Bit –

      He returns the face.

      SERENA. You can talk, Mr Distracted…

      GORDON. I’m never not up for nookie.

      SERENA. Huh.

      GORDON. With my beautiful wife.

      He approaches her.

      SERENA. Not now, Gord, everyone’s… everything’s…

      GORDON takes the pizzas and crosses to the kitchen.

      I’ve just sorted in there.

      He turns back.

      GORDON. It’s why I got pizza instead of Chinese or…

      SERENA. What flavour?

      GORDON. Sloppy Giuseppe.

      SERENA. How many?

      GORDON. Six.

      SERENA. Six?

      GORDON. Plus…

      He reveals the champagne, gets two flutes.

      SERENA. What’s the increase?

      He pops the cork.

      GORDON. Substantial. I have to go against Wiggie but that’s not a problem, I can do that, I can do

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