SAUCY SECRETS: My lover's risky sex request has me fearful for my health. My girlfriends say they all do it - am I just being paranoid?
Dear Jana,
I'm stuck in a situationship with a guy I really like sleeping with, but he refuses to wear a condom. He swears he's not sleeping with anyone else but seeing as we're not dating exclusively, that could change at any moment.
His indifference to safe sex leaves me with a fear I've caught something every time we sleep together. He keeps telling me to relax and that he's never been with someone so worried about catching an STD before, which makes me feel like I'm just being paranoid.
I'd really like to keep sleeping with him but I don't think I can handle the anxiety. How do I convince him to wear protection? Or should I just loosen up? My three closest girlfriends never use them and have avoided any nastiness so far.
Jess.
Oh Jess,
As someone who also harbours a deep-seated fear of catching STDs, my heart (and non-itchy loins) goes out to you.
Here's what you need to do… RUN! Yep, run faster than you can say 'gonorrhoea outbreak!' This guy is an idiot who clearly has no respect for your health - or his own - and no empathy for your very valid concerns.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives her trademark sassy advice to Aussies needing help with their love lives - or lack thereof
What this man (or should I say man-child) is doing to you is a clear example of gaslighting. All you are asking him to do is put a thin layer of latex on his pecker before you give him the honour of having sex with you - and he's telling you you're paranoid? Uh-uh, not today, Satan. I hate that he's made you feel as though you are the one with the problem. Believe me, you're not.
Herpes is for life; men like this aren't.
Oh, and your three girlfriends who claim they have avoided STDs despite having condom-less sex... yeah, they are probably lying. STD rates are higher than ever right now. They are lurking everywhere. And it's not just the usual suspects who have caught them. There are plenty of fabulous, educated, successful women out there who have risked it all for a guy they trusted and ended up in a doctor's office.
So sure, he might be great in bed - but guess what, there are loads of men out there who are hot in bed AND responsible. Your body will thank you for it.
Dear Jana,
I've recently taken up listening to erotic audiobooks and it's made me realise my husband and I really lack a saucy sex life. Is everyone having sex from the rafters or are most people just going through the motions like hubby and I are? I feel like I'm missing out.
Discussion of sex was always taboo when I was in my twenties and thirties but it seems like every Millennial talks about it openly these days, which makes me think people are becoming bolder in the bedroom. How do I get a similar experience with my husband? We're so used to 'mailing it in' that I wouldn't know where or how to begin...
Judy.
Jana says women and men who boast of avoiding STDs despite only having unprotected sex are usually lying. The statistics about sexual health are clear: these diseases are everywhere
Judy, you've come to the right place.
The answer is yes, everyone else is having wild, passionate sex, while you and your hubby are simply 'throwing a leg over'. Okay, that's not technically true, but I think it's safe to say the Swinging Sixties are having a resurgence right now.
TV shows like Sex and the City and Girls have done God's work and normalised saucy sex lives. Couples are now feeling the freedom to share their kinks and open their relationships to new adventures, without the judgement. And I, for one, say hurrah!
So, where the heck do you begin? Well, may I suggest going up the rear? JOKING! You'll want to start by opening the lines of communication. Talk to your husband about your desires and fantasies. Maybe start with something cheeky like, 'So in my book the couple tried [insert activity here] and it really turned me on. Should we give it a go?' Don't be shy! He'll probably be over the moon.
Second, experiment. Try new positions, or a little roleplay, or even incorporate those sexy audiobooks into your love life. Yes, it may be a little awkward at first but practice makes perfect.
Remember, a healthy sex life can enhance your overall relationship and nothing bonds a couple in a long-term relationship like a good bedroom sesh. So, say bon voyage to 'missionary' and embrace the spice!
Dear Jana,
My boss's wife is driving me mad. She's constantly giving me the side-eye and making snarky comments about my outfit. I'll be wearing a perfectly normal skirt suit, but she'll say something like, 'Aren't your legs cold in that short skirt?' or 'Is that really appropriate for the office?'
I'm not sure what her deal is, but it's starting to really get to me. I'm thinking about flirting with her husband just to get a rise out of her. I mean, she clearly already thinks I want to sleep with him. (For the record, I don't). Any suggestions on how to handle this lunatic?
Annie.
Dearest Annie,
I'll repeat a saying a male acquaintance often says to me: 'No one hates a woman like a woman.' Sadly, he's right and your boss's wife sounds like a b****. She is clearly projecting her own insecurities onto you.
I'm going to hazard a guess that you are pretty, and studies have recently shown that pretty women tend to get bullied more in the workplace. So why not take it as a compliment? She's just intimidated by you.
A sassy one-liner should do the trick - something that puts her in her place, professionally but with enough venom that she won't do it again. Because there is another saying I stand by, 'Fight a bully with a bully.' Sure, it's not exactly HR-approved, but I've always found that standing up for yourself firmly helps set a standard for how you are treated.
A firm 'nope, we're not commenting on my outfits' should put her in her place. Make sure you look her directly in the eye when you say it.
Now, as for flirting with her husband? That's a risky move, and honestly, a bit childish. While it might be satisfying in the short term, it could escalate the situation and make things even more awkward.
If all else fails, kill her with kindness. Smile sweetly, nod politely, and let her know you're not bothered by her snide remarks.
She sounds like a miserable woman, so hold your head high, and let her stew in her own misery.
