super cool blog - !!!!

hi, Dreamwidth. For some reason, it hurts (somewhere in my thumb, enough to dissuade me from writing near completely) to even pick up a pen and write on my notebook, english homework. similarly it also hurts (my finger joints generally hurt, and my wrist) to type on my phone. maybe computer typing will hurt less..

i did not get to write on the schoomputer, and now its night when it once was morning.

i'm tired. hurty. hungry but too tired to eat, even if im laying right beside my plate. i dont think i have the energy to lift my neck even, but thankfully i have this weird very thick neck-pillow thing holding it up so i can look at my phone. im in this weird position, laying in bed, head kinda held up by the pillow and kinda tilted weirdly to the side, phone held up on my rib and two fingers of a hand. The other hand's index finger darts madly from key to key on the screen to type this entry out. my wrist and knuckles ache. sometimes i think something is physically wrong with me.

i'm too tired and overwhelmed, i might start crying or yelling at people. it doesnt help that my dad's asleep and my sister is annoying me, and i'm supposed to do chores. i feel like crying this instant. i dont know why, precisely..

this is the next day now, and its morning again. i hadn't noticed it a lot, but i have this ache behind my neck, worse between my shoulderblades. I will not note all my aching spots, as usual, everything aches from head to to back, hips down to toes and ankles, shoulders to fingers.. No use.

It makes me feel.. what's the translation? Despair? It feels too extreme, no, severe. I cannot look up a translation.. somehow, I've ran out of "internet data". I'm not sure how, as this has never happened to me, even when i spent all school day on instagram, back when i could.

Checking on it.. ibispaint is the culprit? I have no idea how that happened. It might be the ads and attempt to connect to the cloud. Take my advice: turn off data use in ibispaint. You will still be able to use locked brushes, as when there is no internet available for ads, they seem to unlock.

So yeah. Hm. I dont have a lot to say.. I mean, I might, I'm just.. not in the headspace for anyword proper. I'm glad I downloaded enough books.. I'm almost done with The Rescue. I'll go read that a while.

I finished it in what, half an hour now? I've been reading it in little moments through 3 days I believe. I really liked it. Almost yapped here, but I'd rather do so in another entry, as to not spoil. Now, onto The Siege..

And somehow I've finished this here fourth book this very day!..

I think sometimes of change. I find change a difficult subject. Things change naturally, but I stay far behind.. I change manually. I expend precious energy constantly in my attempts.

Once you've damaged something, when is it too late to try to fix it? Or is it hypocritical of yourself to even try? I often think this. Will anyone take my attempts and apologies truly, or will they just think I'm doing it to save face? The world is confusing.

A thought I cant escape, spoilers for The Guardians of Ga'Hoole, especially of the fourth book, The Siege:

( Spoiler here.. )

Spoilers over.

Somewhat relatedly, if I were an owl, I might be a Tyto tenebricosa, Greater Sooty Owl... a kind of barn owl, lovely. i had never known they existed until I read these books!.. maybe a Tyto multipunctata? I always butcher the name. Lesser Sooty. I think its more me.

I'm a bit less tired than yesternight, but still tired... no, i think im as tired, nevermind.

I've been a sucker recently for those shows they used to air on tv.. probably still do but nobody watches tv anymore.. on Discovery Home & Health. I dont know english names. Compulsive cleaners.. Couponmaniacs.. Extremely stingy people? I grab a few tips. As you may remember,,I love to save money.. A bit too much?

I like these shows. I am not a huge fan of series. It takes a lot of time and energy to watch such extreme longform things. For example I havent finished watching Inanimate Insanity.. which isnt even that long with like, 3 seasons? And I'm nearly done with the second. (I watched the entirety of BFDI in a week or so (despite how busy i often am), for reference, which has several seasons and hours upon hours of runtime from 2010 or so to 2024 with practically monthly episodes for most of these years)

I... uhmm.

So yeah.. tv.. nice..

I also watch documentaries. I might turn to mostly watching these. Currently interested in a several part series on Iberia's wildlife through the seasons. I might prefer more specialized ones telling of a specific animal's whole life, but this is still very good.

So yeah, I have been doing good things, kinda.

I'm still.. depressed. I dont want to tell my parents that I've been in a really deep depression since September (can it be said since September? I think since last year.. or since two years.. three years.. since forever?) for no reason - with my sudden spikes into deranged impulsive energy and all - I just dont want to tell them. The risks outweigh.. I try to convince myself that it isnt that bad. Its just hormones. Et cetera.

But then that means I have no excuse for everything.. I cant bring myself to do anything anymore. I've been really struggling. I can't even take care of myself. It's not that I'm not trying.. I am trying..

Mom said to do things that dont "take away" from me. I've been doing that. I watch stuff and read books and I feel OK. My therapist told me writing everything is good and I do that. I do struggle with "ignoring" my obsessive and intrusive thoughts. I try not to mention them to mom. When it came up in conversation, I brushed it off.. But they actually do bother me.

Yup.. I'm so tired and sad that I left this entry untouched for like a week.

I've been drawing in order to stay a bit sane. I'm actually proud of what I'm dishing out lately. Might even try to do some studies or.. what are they called, still-life? Draw thing that is real in order to figure out art things. Maybe. Just maybe. I have a few wisps of ideas.

I dont have the energy for Arty Sundays. I'll call them Arty Somedays. The image description takes a lot from me, so I wont do them for the time being.

Also, I have a YouTube channel that is, I suppose, not mine anymore. This sucks on so many levels. I'll do an entry exclusively on that, maybe.

I think this was left for two weeks.. time hates me, and eludes my understanding. I finished reading The Rescue, The Siege and The Shattering with little effort. I'm already well on my way through The Burning. Watched the confusingly named.. uh.. Legends of The Guardians, the Owls of Ga'Hoole? Its like,.. well, I should make a separate entry for my Hoolian thoughts. This entry is far overdue.

I apologize for the stream of ill feeling and negativity. Winter is depressing (and MANY things are happening. Friendship problems, the end of the semester with a TON of work and barely passing my subjects, ravenous urge to save money, my brain hates me so much even tho im just trying my best..)