zoë rose bryant’s review published on Letterboxd:
“It’s difficult to follow your dream. It’s a tragedy not to.” - Ralph Marston
As long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a writer.
My stories began with picture-book riffs on my favorite fairy tales in elementary school before evolving to the far more intricate (and yet still aggressively amateur) horror/thriller home movies that I wrote, directed, and starred in (triple threat alert, folks) with my sister and cousins as a middle schooler. They weren’t masterful works of art or anything of the sort, but they were mine, and that’s why they mattered.
I spent a vast portion of my adolescence dreaming to the high heavens about what life could hold for me and where my passions would take me. No plan was too far-fetched and no goal was out of reach. When I was a teenager, I really, truly believed that I could do anything. I’d spent my entire life in the same city, and I was determined to break free of these constraints and pursue screenwriting after getting my bachelor’s degree in English.
When I started college in the fall of 2017, I did not know how the foundation of my otherwise tightly constructed life would be unexpectedly disrupted over the year. Supposedly lifelong friends came and went, financial realities began to weigh in, and I eventually let my health take a turn for the worst. Everything was thrown out of balance, and I started to lose sight of who I was and who I wanted to be. Most of all, I craved a return to normalcy and adopted a mindset of risk-averse complacency with the life I’d lived up until this point. I’d barely been able to handle my first year at a school 45 minutes away from home without watching everything crumble around me. How was I going to move to the west coast and supposedly “chase my dreams” if I couldn’t even cope with the most minute change?
This skepticism bled into my creative pursuits as well, causing me to severely doubt anything I ever put to paper. I thought that nothing I wrote would be deemed advanced or worthy enough to help me reach the heights I’d longed for. For a brief period of time, I refused to develop any of my existing works entirely.
No moment in film history spoke to me more than Mia’s climactic monologue, when she feels as if she’s lost everything she ever once cherished.
“No, maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m one of those people that has always wanted to do it, but it’s like a pipe dream for me. You know, and then you, you said it. You change your dreams and then you grow up. Maybe I’m one of those people and I’m not supposed to.”
Mia feels as though her dream is no longer accessible, but how can she go on living a life without this dream when it’s such a foundational part of who she is as an individual? The character of Mia and her lifelong desires are inseparable; she cannot exist without those aspirations, just as I felt empty trying to live a life away from writing.
We are nothing without our dreams.
Over the past few months however, I’ve experienced a bit of a surprising revival - a reinvigoration of sorts. With the help of what seems like a village, I’ve regained a better grasp on my physical and mental health, and I’ve learned how to be proud and genuinely excited about my ideas once again. I’m not without my missteps - who isn’t? - but for once, I feel a newfound sense of anticipation when I look to the future, instead of dread.
I’ve grown tired of making promises to myself that I never keep and drafting out far-reaching, expansive life-plans that never come to fruition. I‘m tired of complaining when I failed to fulfill these goals for no other reason other than my own self-doubt.
La La Land has been my favorite film of the decade as well as the film that’s been most influential in my life thus far for this very reason. It was released at a very specific, formative point in time - right at the beginning of my second semester of senior year - and the lessons I’ve learned from this story have been seared into my brain forever.
The chase sucks. It never happens overnight. The “city of dreams” will run you ragged and wring you dry until you think you can’t take no more. And yet, after each day ends, “another day of sun” awaits. We make the choice every day to fight and forge ahead in spite of every downfall and every disappointment, and that mental gymnastics is what sets you on the path to success. Sheer talent can only fly you so far. A bit of madness is key, as they say.
La La Land doesn’t sugarcoat the pain that accompanies any artist’s journey to shoot for the sometimes seemingly unattainable stars. Mia and Sebastian’s struggles are laid out in unflinching, unglamorized ugliness. Even though both find eventual success in their respective lines of work, these accomplishments still come at a cost, and that careful dissection of the myth that “you can have it all” makes me adore the film even more. Life isn’t without happy endings altogether, but it isn’t a fairy tale either - you may fight until your dying breath for victory and you may achieve, but no fame is ever 100% fulfilling, and I think that’s a sobering reminder for any wishing to enter into the world of show business.
In two years time, after I graduate from college, I will leave Omaha, I will travel to LA, and while I find ways to make a living in the present, I will never forget to fight for the future and attempt to make a name for myself in screenwriting. I am speaking it into the universe. I am holding myself accountable.
Somewhere, there’s a place where I find who I’m gonna be. Somewhere, that’s just waiting to be found.
In the words of Sebastian, I let life hit me until it got tired. And now, I’ll hit back.
“Here’s to the fools who dream, crazy as they seem.
Here’s to the hearts that break.
Here’s to the mess we make.”
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