65
📀 Cammmalot 📀

Review by 📀 Cammmalot 📀 Patron

65 2023

★★½

Watched Mar 09, 2023

”Ah, now eventually you do plan to have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? - Dr. Ian Malcolm

Volunteer Boy: That doesn't look very scary. More like a big box-office turkey.

Dr. Alan Grant: A turkey, huh? OK, try to imagine yourself watching a movie that’s set in the Cretaceous Period. You get your first look at the film’s title some twenty minutes in - as though it’s supposed to be some sort of ah-ha moment, but it’s not. You watch Adam Driver wondering around. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe you’ll finally see something cool like a T-Rex - but you don’t. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the boredom comes. Not from his acting, but from a half-baked screenplay…

[makes ‘yawning’ sound]

Then comes all the action movie tropes that you didn't even know were there. And just when you think you’ve seen it all, they surprise you with this...QUICKSAND! One of the most overused film tropes of all time. And no, it doesn't even bother to come up with a novel solution... no no. This film snears at you like your watching a bad 60’s or 70’s tv… adventure.

Then maybe it gets worse! Maybe the terrain is so random that a 10 mile journey includes forests, geysers, oceans, caves, waterfalls, cliffs and grasslands. The point is, you’re brain cells are alive and raw when this film suddently starts to poke you in the eye with giant stick. So you know… try to show a little respect.

Volunteer Boy: OK.

”God help us, we're in the hands of engineers.” - Dr. Ian Malcolm


Cinematic Time Capsule – 2023 Ranked

2023 U.S. Release Schedule

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